All the lights are off in Nate’s cabin when we get home. Dad and I don’t talk further and I go straight to my room.
Hey.
Hey he replies.
Just got home. What ya doing?
Lying in bed. Have fun?
No.
What happened?
Nothing…fight with Dad. See you 2morrow?
Always, Star Girl. ‘Night.
Goodnight
Dad and I stand in front of the deck on the empty cabin. The completely finished deck that wasn’t done when we left it yesterday.
“Wow…” Dad runs a hand over his head.
Yeah. Wow.
The parking spot in front of cabin 3B is empty. Nate texted me to let me know his parents wanted them to all hang out together today, since they’d be leaving soon. Leaving. That word pries my chest wide open.
“Did you know?” Dad asks.
“No.”
There’s remorse in his voice, but not enough. I know it doesn’t change anything. Neither will my words. “He’s a good person. He’d never hurt me like that guy hurt Mom. I’m taking the day off.”
Dad doesn’t reply and I don’t wait. It doesn’t matter that Nate won’t be here until this evening. I can’t spend my day with Dad. I go swimming, something I haven’t done by myself in a long time. Afterward I change clothes and go for a hike, hoping my head will clear in all the open space.
Nate leaves in a week. I thought the fact that we’re going to stay together would change the empty feeling inside me. It’s crazy how you can feel empty and full at the same time. It’s exactly what has taken me over. The emptiness fills me.
When I get back down to the house, I pack a bag with my telescope, blanket, and all the other things I bring on our nights out. Nate texts when they get back and we pick the time to meet. Dad and I have dinner together, making small talk, but he knows I’m mad and I’m not ready to be over it. Mom left. Sadie left. But I’m still stuck here. And it sucks and it’s not fair and I wish he would see that.
“Hey you,” Nate says after I climb out the window.
“Hey.” We lock hands before I say, “Let’s go to the fort tonight.”
We take the same path we’ve taken so many times together over the past three years. The path that I wonder if we’ll ever take together again. If I leave—though I don’t know how I will—we might not take this walk again.
If I stay, we might not either. Next summer he’ll be getting ready to go wherever he decides to go to school, ready to live his life. I’ll be helping here and going to school locally, which isn’t horrible, but not my dream either.
I stomp those thoughts down, not wanting anything to cloud this last time we have together.
When we get to the fort, we sit in our chairs behind it like we always do. I look through the telescope a little bit, but I’m not really feeling.
“You finished the deck,” I finally say while sitting on his lap.
“It was nothing. Dragged Brandon out there to help me, then went back out to stain it after you got home.”
“Hey!” I tease. “You lied! You said you were in bed.”
Nate only shrugs. “Wanted to do it for you guys.”
He looks down and picks at the peeling paint on the chair. A tense prickle covers my body, making me worried about what’s going on. “What is it?” I finally ask.
He stalls before answering. “I get it… What’s going on with your dad? Seeing that yesterday? I get it. I know why you feel like you can’t leave him. I don’t think I realized it before, but…I guess I’m selfish because it doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep on doing what we had planned, ya know?”
“I know.” Because I feel the same way. I lay my head on his shoulder.
“I was stressing out on saying anything or not, but I knew I had to. I want you, Charlotte. I still want to be with you and see what happens. We can apply for schools still together or not. I just want you to know…I want you to have your stars and that has nothing to do with me…but I get it, okay? I know you’re scared, but don’t be. If you decide you can’t go, I’ll understand.”
Love over takes that empty feeling, kicking and shoving it out of my system. There’s no room for it when I’m with him. “You have the biggest heart of anyone in the whole wide world,” I say before kissing him.
Nate kisses me back, urgently, taking the kiss deeper like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. He twists me so I’m facing him, straddling him, and his hands go under the back of my shirt.
And I know I don’t want him to stop. Nathaniel Chase gave me my very first moment. He gave me my first kiss. He was the first boy to see me naked. To take me skinny-dipping. The first boy I loved, and I want him to have every one of my firsts. Not that I think I’ll ever be with anyone else, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that nothing in life is a guarantee.
“Do you…” Breathe, Charlotte. It’s Nate. I can say anything to Nate. “I want to really be with you. Do you have any condoms?”
Nate’s eyes go wide and his hands tighten slightly on my waist. He gives me a small nod, but then says, “You don’t have to.”
“I want to… Do you want to?”
“Are you kidding me? Of course I do.”
I can’t help but chuckle at that.
Nate trails one of his fingers down the side of my face, torturously slow. “You are so incredible.”
Nate grabs my hand and I let him help me stand. He’s right behind me, picking up my bag. “I wish I could take you somewhere better,” he whispers, before leading me into the fort. It’s clean inside. I keep it that way because it’s important to me.
He lets go of my hand, grabs the blanket and lays it out, then sets the flashlights so we can see. He kicks out of his shoes and I do the same. Taking the edge of my shirt, he pulls it over my head and drops it to the floor, then takes his off.
“Okay?” he asks, his fingers on the button of my shorts.
The only reply I can manage is a nod. My heart is beating so hard. My pulse a loud bang in my ears. He pushes the button through the hole. Slides the zipper down. I hold my breath as he pushes my shorts and panties down my legs. His come off and I gasp a little, really seeing instead of catching a quick glimpse like the time we went skinny-dipping.
“I probably should have waited to do that until we were lying down.”
I love that he’s as nervous as I am. I don’t know if he’s done this before, and right now I don’t care. “It’s okay.”
“You’re beautiful.” His eyes trace my body.
And then we lay down and he kisses me, touches me. I touch him, too. Nate grabs the condom and his hands shake as he rips it open. I watch in fascination as he puts it on.
“It’ll hurt,” he says. “But I’ll be careful.”
“I know.”
And it does hurt, but he’s careful. His kisses help to dull the pain. And the whole time I know, this is another of our moments. And it’s what I always hoped it would be. What I hope we’ll be able to do a million times in our future. This is Nate and we’re doing something together I’ve never done with another person.
When it’s over we lay next to each other. Nate pulls one side of the blanket up and over us. His hand is in my hair like it so often is.
“You okay, Star Girl?”
“Yeah.”
“Was…was it okay?”
I lean up onto my arms so I’m looking down at him. “Was that your first time, too?”
Nate nods and I close my eyes, wishing to stay in this moment. I guess it’s something neither of us has ever done with someone else. It surprises me. I know Nate it popular and he’s gone out with a lot of girls, but I’m glad. “It was perfect,” I finally tell him.
“What are we going to do?”
My answer is automatic. “I don’t want to lose you. Like you said, we can talk every day.” It’ll be hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s Nate and I.
He rolls me over, kisses my lips, then the star at the base of my throat. “I love you.”
My eyes are wet when I say, “I love you, too.”