We’ve been out to the fort every night. He leaves tomorrow and I want to stall as though keeping busy will somehow make the night take longer to get here, but at the same time, I want it to hurry. Want to be alone with him so we can talk and he can hold me and make me forget we have to say goodbye.
It’s not goodbye, I tell myself. I’ll see him soon. He said in October.
I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. I’m not supposed to meet him for a while yet, but I can’t stand being in this room. It’s driving me crazy. I push off my bed, grab my backpack, and crawl out. I see Nate sneaking off to the side of their cabin. He must have had the same idea as me, wanting to come out early.
Not wanting to wake anyone, I don’t shine the flashlight his way, but quietly try to catch up with him. I have a little ways to make up because I don’t want be too loud and his cabin is a whole lost closer to the woods.
Once I hit the trees, I hope I’m going the right way. Where the heck is he going? “Nate.” I whisper loudly, as though he can hear me.
I get this strange feeling in my stomach, but I try to ignore it as I keep going. There’s no reason to freak out. I know these woods like the back of my hand and Nate is out here somewhere, but he’s not going to any of our usual locations.
I stumble into one of the trees and lean against it and that’s when I see him. Them.
Only it’s not Nate. It’s Brandon.
And he’s not with some girl.
It’s Alec.
What the heck are they doing out here? Brandon’s back is to me and I see Alec give him a huge smile. One that I’ve never, ever seen him give me, or any other girl for that matter.
“What about your brother?” Alec asks.
“He thinks its Danielle.”
Everything in my world turns upside down in that moment as I see Brandon lean forward and kiss Alec. Kiss him the way Nate kisses me. The way I’ve never seen two boys kiss before. My brain keeps telling my eyes to look away because this is their private business and I have no right to intrude on it, but I just can’t do it.
Betrayal shoots through me. Alec is gay. How could he never have told me he’s gay? Did he think I would look at him any differently?
But suddenly, a whole lot of things make sense—why Brandon is even here this year, how Alec seemed to know things about Nate I didn’t expect. I think of the football Brandon has every time he’s here and realize it has a big “X” on it and remember the time Alec was screwing around and drew it on there, saying X marked the spot because he liked football so much. He did that before we even knew them, and now I know Alec must have given the ball to Brandon. His favorite football.
Brandon’s hand goes under Alec’s shirt as his mouth leaves Alec’s lips to slide down his neck, and that’s when Alec’s eyes find mine. I’m frozen. Scared, guilty, confused, hurt, every feeling I could possibly have is battling inside me.
“Shit. Charlie. It’s…it’s not....” As Alec is jerking away from Brandon, I run. I’m not quite sure why I’m running, but my feet won’t stop.
“Charlie! Wait!” Alec’s voice comes again, closer. A few seconds later he grabs me and pulls me to a stop. Everything about him looks frantic, his eyes, his facial expressions.
“I don’t understand.” It’s a pretty stupid thing to say because what’s to understand? Alec is obviously gay and never told me.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want—I thought—I was confused.”
“How long?”
He shakes his head. “Charlie…”
“If you don’t want me to walk away right now, Alec, I need you to be honest.” My whole body is shaking though I don’t know why.
“Officially? It started last summer.”
Oh God. The whole time we thought Brandon was sneaking out with Sadie last year, it was Alec.
“Wait. What do you mean officially?”
He looks guilty and I want to tell him not to. Despite everything, guilt for his feelings about Brandon doesn’t belong here.
“We’ve talked all year…every year. Even after the first summer.”
I’m not sure what to say, or how to react. Brandon blew off Sadie for Alec. It’s crazy.
He’s frantic now. “Swear to me. Swear you won’t ever tell anyone, Charlie. You say I’m your best friend, and you know I would do anything for you. Swear you won’t tell anyone.”
“But…don’t you want to be with him?” It’s not right that he has to be so scared to be with the person he wants. It’s not right that he felt like he had to hide it from me.
“Swear it.”
“Of course. I swear. How long have you known you’re gay, Alec?” My voice softens, still trying to wrap my mind around this.
“I’m not gay. Seriously.”
“You’ve been seeing a guy for a year. I’m pretty sure that makes you gay.” Reaching out, I touch his arm. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from me. You can tell me anything.”
“No,” he shakes his head, looking slightly frantic.
The next thing I know, Alec’s lips are on mine. I’m so shocked that it takes me a second to register what’s happening. A second to try to push him away, but that one little stall ruined it. A moment can change everything.
“What the fuck?” Nate yells. I’m jerking away from Alec and then Nate’s fist flies through the air, landing a hard hit to Alec’s jaw. Alec staggers backward, but catches his footing and then he’s charging at Nate.
“No! Stop it!” I scream.
Alec shoves Nate to the ground and punches him in the stomach. Nate groans, but rolls them quickly so he’s on top. Nate punches him again. Before I can get to them to try and separate them, Brandon is there, pulling his brother off Alec.
All I can think is thank God. We can get this sorted out and everything will be okay.
“What the hell? Charlotte?” Nate is trying to pull away from Brandon who has a tight grip on his arms.
“It’s not what it looks like. I swear. I don’t know why he kissed me. He—”
“Charlie, please.” Pure fear shines in Alec’s eyes, making a bone deep sadness spread throughout me. The first thought in my mind is, is how sad. How horrible to be so afraid to be able to admit who you are. I can’t imagine that feeling.
“Please.” He stresses again. When I make eye contact with Brandon, the same fear reflects back from his eyes.
And my heart breaks for them. It’s not my secret to tell.
“Tell him,” I say to Alec. “Tell Nate it’s not what it looks like.”
Alec is silent.
Brandon is silent.
“Get the fuck off me!” Nate jerks free from his brother’s grasp.
“He kissed me. I was pulling away.”
“And he’s here!” Nate screams. “He’ll always be here to keep trying to do it again.”
“So? You’ll be back home, with other girls too! You go out with a whole lot more people than I ever have!”
“Not girls I planned to end up with one day.” His voice cracks, pain shining through, but it’s not the kind of shine you want. It’s dull, aching.
“I don’t love him. I love you. You know that.” I don’t know what else to say. How to explain without telling him what I saw—something I’m still trying to work out. My brain isn’t working right with so much overloading it at once. “He kissed me, and I was shocked. I swear it’s not what it looks like. I love you.” I say again.
“Why are you even out here with him?” I’ve never heard Nate’s voice sound like it does right now. Broken.
I look at Brandon, silently pleading for help. His eyes go wide. Alec scrambles to his feet and I’m afraid to look at him, but I do and I see exactly what I knew I would. More fear mixed with a reminder of what I just promised him.
“Charlie, you promised.” Alec’s words light a fire in Nate’s eyes, no doubt wondering what kind of promise I made. My body is weak, but primed and on edge too. I can’t find the right words to say to fix this for all of us.
“I can’t say, but it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s a misunderstanding, though. You know me, Nate.”
As long as I live, I will never forget the anger on his face when he looks at me. The dark red, edged sadness.
“I thought I did, but I obviously don’t. Or I didn’t want to believe it. You’ll always pick him over me.”
“What? No.” I reach for him, but he steps out of my grasp. “That’s not what this is. You know that! I’m not picking him over you. I’ve always picked you.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Nate shouts. “We’ve had to hide because of him. You didn’t even want him to know about us in the beginning. We’ve said it before a million times. He’s always here. You’ve known him your whole life and you’re always going to pick him over me.”
“Alec. Tell him.” I look at him. “Tell Nate the truth. Please.”
Alec is pale in the moonlight. Terrified. No one says a word. I’m shocked. Can’t believe what happened or that Nate doesn’t believe me.
“You know what? I’m done. You wanted easy, I’ll give you easy. You can have your life with him. Then you’ll make everyone happy: your dad, Alec, his family. I sure as hell hope you’re happy too.” Nate’s hand goes to his neck and he rips the star necklace off and drops it to the ground before walking away.
“Nate! Don’t go. Please!” I call after him, tears streaming down my face, but he just keeps going.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” Brandon says before running after his brother. Nate has walked away from me every summer for the past three years and none of them hurt like this one. Because this time, there is no doubt in my mind I’ve lost him forever. Logically I know all it would take is for me to tell him, but I can’t. Not this. Why didn’t he believe me?
I fall to the ground and cry.
“Charlie?” Alec steps up beside me.
“Get the fuck away from me! I hate you! You ruined everything!”
I push to my feet and run away from him.