They didn’t speak the next day. Or for most of the next. Lillian hesitated even looking out the window and avoided the mailbox. The paradox of emotions—wanting to see him and, even more than that, rip him apart in the bedroom at the same time she never wanted to remember anything about him—only caused more turmoil.

So, avoiding him for the entire weekend as much as possible was, of course, the only option. And she didn’t want him to get any taste of her either. It had taken her a while to admit to herself that he truly didn’t want to break up. Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t protest so much, right? It sounded right, but she confessed she didn’t really know much about breakups. Or what the hell to do.

What she did know was Cayden was as emotional over the breakup as she was.

That made it even harder not to take him back.

Two thoughts kept recurring the next day as she listened to the endless droning of the lawnmower and weed-eater and snip, snip of each individual branch being clipped: He doesn’t want to break up, and neither do I. So why should we? and He just doesn’t understand yet how much I would drag him down in the long run and probably cost him his friends, business, and the lifestyle he wants.

She wouldn’t be able to join him at parties or high-end events, mostly because she felt intimidated by the type of people in his crowd. All the beautiful women in his circle would laugh at him for being with someone who couldn’t compare to their looks. He would become a laughingstock. And, whereas her Crohn’s was getting more under control, she wasn’t totally flare-up free and would likely never be. If they stayed together, they would’ve gone on a vacation and a flare-up would’ve kept her in the hotel the entire duration. What fun would that be?

She snorted. She spent far too much time conjuring up hypothetical scenarios about what might’ve happened if they hadn’t broken up. She wished today wasn’t a Sunday and she had clients to see, a busy schedule to attend to, anything to get her out of the house.

But there was nothing to do outside besides yardwork, so she stayed inside trying to find some heart- wrenching sense of comfort in the constant noise of Cayden doing what he loved best: working on his yard and making it picture-perfect again before he went back to Los Angeles.

He probably won’t come back, she cried silently. He’ll probably go back there and keep getting paid an astronomical amount of money from Janine, then end up being her personal trainer forever. He’ll have so much money he can just hire people to move all his stuff over there. Next thing, there’ll be a ‘for sale’ sign in his yard. She blinked several times. I give it two weeks. There’s nothing he needs to stay here for. It would be better to get as far away from me and any emotional attachment as he can.

For the rest of the afternoon she did her best to try to distract herself. She’d been doing it a lot lately, she realized. It probably wasn’t healthy, but she needed to do it right now. It felt like the right thing to do: just ignore it until she got over it. It seemed like a good enough strategy.

The yard work sounds continued for hours with no signs of giving up. They went from morning until mid-afternoon with no lunch break. She wished she couldn’t hear them, but his yard was terribly close to her house and she was ultra-sensitive to any sound he made. She jammed her earbuds in and turned up her music and tried to read, but she couldn’t focus on reading with the music, so she took them right back out again. Every tiny noise seemed to boom in her ears. Overwhelmed, she slouched deep into the reading chair and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, past the point of thinking any sort of thought at all.

“I want to see him.” The whisper coming from her mouth surprised her. She felt her body float out of the chair and drift down the hall into the bathroom, where she stood on the edge of the tub and peeked out the window.

There he was. Shirtless. Dripping sweat. He’d gotten even more muscular since he’d been in L.A. The sweat was getting lost in the crevices of his abs and carving a wet path down the V-shaped ridge from his hips to his groin.

Lillian, as much as it pained her mentally, felt her body start to grow weak.

She couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. He was much too perfect-looking. How is he even real? She thought incredulously. Guys like this only existed in heavily airbrushed magazines, right?

Obviously not, because here was a real live one only a few yards away from her, furiously trimming his bushes with meticulous care.

“I can’t go out,” she told herself firmly. “I can’t go out. I can’t see him. I can’t touch him. I can’t feel him. I can’t do any of those things.”

She made a mental list of reasons why she shouldn’t go out and tackle him to the ground. They had broken up. She had broken up with him. They were both sad and trying to get over each other, and acting like nothing had happened wouldn’t help the situation. The list continued, and nothing seemed to give her a solid enough reason to stay inside the house, alone, without him. She desperately groped at the last excuse she could think of: it was Sunday, and she shouldn’t do that on a Sunday.

Like that’s ever stopped you before, sneered the little demon voice inside her.

“He’s leaving soon. He said he was only going to be here for the weekend. I can’t just have a fling with him before he goes. It’s wrong.”

Who said anything about a fling? Why not just a little reunion?

Lillian swore and stepped down from the tub. “Dammit.” She felt herself slowly lose control of her body again. Her mind faded into numbness, and her normally over-analytical self didn’t care at all. She knew what she was doing, but made no effort to stop.

She found herself at the front door. Opening it gently. Stepping out onto the porch. Descending the steps. Walking towards him. He had earbuds in also, and his back was turned.

Then she was standing directly behind him. Smelling the musk of his skin mixed with sweat and fresh grass.

She tapped his back.

Quickly he turned and faced her, as stone-faced as he was when he had knocked on her door a couple of days ago.

“Hi,” she murmured.

He took out an earbud. “Sorry?”

“I said hi.”

He stared. “Hi.”

“You’ve been working all day.”

“I thought you stopped paying attention to my yardwork schedule.”

“Why would I have?”

“Because we broke up, remember?” The bitter edge to his voice stabbed pain in her heart.

I didn’t break up with you in my heart yet, she wanted to say, but just looked around at the work he had done. She clenched her hand into a fist, trying to make small talk. “It all looks really nice.”

“Thanks. It makes me feel so much better.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“Why did you come out here, then?”

Shit, he’s ticked. He’s really heartbroken. As much as I am, she realized. She suspected it, but now it was undeniable. For a moment, she wondered what she should do and why she was even out here to begin with.

Oh well, she licked her lips, which had suddenly dried up. Can’t turn back time now, I guess. “I came out here because...” Words abandoned her, but she fought for a scrap of them that remained in her mind. “...because I couldn’t resist.”

Cayden stared at her, clearly confused. She could see the gears working, and threw caution to the wind before he could say anything. Stepping up onto her tiptoes she gripped his head, pulled it against hers, and kissed him like she had dreamed about doing in the weeks he had been away.

At first, he flinched and started to pull away, but in her fierce energy she pulled him closer. His smell was on her now, the smell of trees and water and desire and longing. All at once he dropped his big hedge clippers and gripped her hips, smashing them against his own. Their mouths became one form, tongues teasing each other’s lips and teeth, and fingers running along every inch of skin.

Suddenly he stopped, and she stopped with him. They stared at each other like children caught doing something they knew they shouldn’t be doing.

Cayden grabbed her arm gently and firmly at the same time. The feeling of his strong fingers wrapped around her arm sent flames of adrenaline through her bones. He pulled her towards the house; she followed without hesitation, so excited she almost tripped up his porch steps.

They were barely inside before he flattened her against the wall and shut the door with his foot.

“Do you think the neighbors saw?” she whispered. Earlier, out of sorrow, she’d been extra sensitive to every sound coming from Cayden’s yard, and then every drop of sweat that lingered on his skin. Now it wasn’t sadness but energy, this strange sense of doing something forbidden and rebelling against herself, that made her aware of every breath he drew in and let out. Every one of his eyelashes. Her own breath tickling the back of her teeth when she asked him the question.

“I don’t care,” he whispered back. “I really don’t care. Let them see.” He didn’t let her comment; he closed the gap between them and made them one shape again.

Time blurred. She knew they were gradually inching toward his room, but she didn’t notice the details. All she could think about was how good it felt to be pressing her hands against his back, her small body against his strong one. She never wanted it to end, and it seemed like it never would. It was total bliss.

He spun them around and eased down onto the bed, pulling her onto his lap. She fumbled for the edge of her shirt and pulled it up and over her head, flinging it onto the floor. As she tilted her head to nibble his earlobe, she felt goose bumps prickle the skin on his arms and his face pulling itself into a smile.

Neither of them ruined the intimacy of the moment by talking. They were operating on the same wavelength now; everything seemed to come naturally. She pressed her shoulders against his. The stickiness of his skin after all the outside work he had done made this seem all the more real, and in an oddly-timed moment of clarity she realized this was definitely not a dream.

Letting out a groan when her lips touched his ear, he ran his fingernails up her back. It didn’t hurt, nor was it a fragile touch, but it brought forth a sound from her throat as well. The tension was unbearable; she pushed her weight forward, so he was lying on his back on the bed and her body was pressed on top of him.

He felt so much bigger than her; maybe they’d just been apart for too long and she’d forgotten what his body was like. He’d definitely gotten more built, that was for sure. How it was possible she didn’t know, and she didn’t care. What she knew was she loved it and never wanted to be away from it again. She could hide behind him and no part of her would be visible. Being enveloped by this sturdy, powerful man was making her mind spin, bringing visions of them together before her eyes. Amid it all, she wondered how on earth she could have ever forgotten what it felt like to be tangled up in his body.

The room smelled like him, the bed smelled like him, she smelled like him; he’d absorbed her scent, too. It just felt right, the two of them sharing their bodies and smells and beds. It was a mistake! Something in her yelled at the top of its lungs. I never should have tried to end it with you!

Just when her mind began to get distracted by their breakup he grabbed her waist tight and rolled them over, so he was on top.

“Those blue eyes,” she breathed, looking at them, lusting at their beauty. “I want those blue eyes.”

“Stop being romantic, Lil,” he grinned cheekily.

“I can’t help it.” She almost couldn’t believe she was saying things like this out loud. Right now, she felt oddly distant from her logic and practicality, and had to remind herself that this was all happening completely sober.

“Are you okay?”

She had to read his lips, his voice was so quiet. “I’m okay. Are you?”

He nodded. There was an innocence in the way he nodded. It looked genuine with sadness, joy, and eagerness all at the same time. One thing about Cayden, she realized, he wears his emotions on his face. Even in his fun-loving moments, I can tell what he’s thinking. Usually he was highly optimistic and had a positive vibe around him, able to make anyone feel comfortable. All of that was present in his face and body language right now, but so was the pain caused by their breakup. She knew him too well to ignore it.

Let this be it, then. Softly, she kissed his jaw line and let all her thoughts and strict conscience disappear.

He pulled back suddenly, looking deep into her eyes. “Do you want this?”

She ran her teeth over her lower lip and nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“You need to stop talking.” She pushed him off her and stripped out of her pants and undies, motioning for him to do the same.

He did as instructed, and she pushed him back on the bed, this time on top of him. Kissing him roughly, she lowered herself onto the entire hard length of him.

He gasped as her heat enveloped him. She didn’t give him time to enjoy the moment; she needed more. She moved up and down in an almost desperate rhythm. Cayden’s strong hands slid around her hips and guided her to a rhythm that made her groan and his breath quicken.

She let him lead her, her mouth hanging open as she gasped for air, wanting more of him and unsure she’d ever get enough. He began to counter-thrust each of her movements, the pace growing manic again. She rode him harder, faster. Staring down at his eyes, she watched the pleasure cross his face. He reached down and, using the pad of his thumb, gently added pressure by where they were joined. The pleasure intensified, forcing her to close her eyes and let him take control.

Conrad rolled them over with him on top, setting a new rhythm. It was too much beautiful torture. Lily’s body tensed; she cried out his name, over and over.

Her body’s reaction tightened and squeezed his erection, sending him over the edge. He buried his face in her neck as he came, their arms and legs tangling and bodies writhing together like a current in the ocean—it all came from the depths of their hearts.

They were giving each other the most vulnerable emotions hidden within their souls, emotions that could not be expressed through words.

The late afternoon breeze swirled in from the window and wrapped itself around them, cooling their flushed skin as they lay there catching their breath.

This is too good to be true, Lillian thought.

“What?”

She looked up at him, half of her face squashed against his chest. “What?”

“You said something.”

“Oh.” She giggled nervously. “I thought I’d thought it.”

“What did you say?” Raising his pinky finger, he tickled the bottom of her chin.

“Something secret.”

“Secrets don’t make friends, you know.”

She stuck out her tongue. “I thought that it was too good to be true.”

“What’s too good to be true?”

Lillian just gave him a sarcastic look and winked.

“Oh.” he smiled. “That.”

“Don’t you think so?”

“Maybe.”

“Only maybe?” she squealed.

“Okay, fine. It was great. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Since I went to L.A.”

“You haven’t, well, done it since you left?”

His face turned serious. “No, of course not. I didn’t want to except with you.”

The guilt began to creep up again. Did I make the wrong decision? She stared at him, making sure she wasn’t accidentally saying it out loud again. “I didn’t either.” The words felt lame coming from her.

He didn’t say anything, but focused on the window. “The sun’s going down.”

His stomach rumbled loudly; she felt it as she lay there, still half on top of him. “You’re hungry.”

“Aren’t you, after that?”

Lillian felt her face heat back up. “I guess so, yeah. You didn’t have lunch either.”

“How do you know?”

Oops. “I might’ve been listening to your yard work noises all day, and I didn’t hear a silence long enough for you to have eaten anything.”

A tiny smile formed on his lips. “Stalker.”

“Maybe.” She rolled off him and sat up, crossing her legs. The last rays of sun fell across her knees, and Cayden propped himself up on one elbow, transfixed on her. She pretended not to notice because she was more occupied stretching her neck and arms from being intertwined with him for so long. Enjoying the feeling of her muscles stretching and letting loose of the tension, she closed her eyes, arched her back, her weight on her arms behind her.

Finally, she opened her eyes and noticed him observing her.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said.

Her heart stopped; she couldn’t help it. “I was only stretching after quite a rigorous workout,” she said, trying to make light of his comment. It didn’t faze him.

For a little longer than she anticipated he looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her waist and neck. At last he shifted and sat up. “I’m starving. Let’s get some food.”

“Where do you want to go?” The thought of going out someplace sank her mood. It was so comfy in the house, lounging in her sweatpants and draping her legs over his. Why did they have to go out?

As if he had read her mind, he said, “I don’t really want to go anywhere. Let’s order in.”

Yes! she thought. Cayden reached for his phone and leaned back on the pillow, scrolling and tapping for a few minutes until it was done. “Half an hour,” he said triumphantly, tossing his phone down to the foot of the bed.

“What did you get?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he smirked. “I need a shower. Bad.”

She frowned. “Why?”

“Are you implying,” he flopped onto his stomach and inched up close to her face, “that you like the way I smell right now?”

Lillian sheepishly smiled.

“That’s gross, Lil.”

“How?”

“The real question is, how can you possibly like this smell?”

“Because it smells like you and everything you love.” She wondered if she should’ve thought that instead of saying it out loud.

Cayden, to her delight, looked pleased. “Tell me, O Wise One, everything I love.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she retorted, and stood. “Go take a shower, silly clean freak. I’ll be busying myself here.”

He slid off the bed, planted a firm kiss on her cheek, and disappeared into the bathroom. Within a minute she heard the shower running full blast, and saw steam billowing from the gap underneath the door.

With a sigh, she got up and slipped on a white t-shirt he had folded on his dresser. She walked into the kitchen to pour a glass of water. What am I doing? she asked whatever spirits would listen. I’ve never had such a disconnect between my head and my heart until this. I don’t know who to listen to.

She wondered what Amelia would say. The years she and Amelia had lived together were the best years of her life so far. Amelia, in all her never-ending, high-speed energy seemed to always have wisdom for emotional predicaments Lillian seemed to get herself into. Even though she was gone, Lillian still tried to channel her inner Amelia when she needed insight about something.

Right now, though, her inner Amelia wasn’t showing up, and she had no answers about the best course of action.

Don’t think about it yet, Lillian. Not yet. She knew she didn’t have much time left before Cayden went back to Los Angeles, although she didn’t know the exact amount of time until he left. She didn’t want to know. For once, for one of the only times she could remember besides when she was still together with Cayden, she wanted to enjoy the moment and not ruin it by overthinking the details or worrying about the future.

Amelia had always said she needed to be with someone who was very grounded. Rooted in themselves and the world around them. Someone who could pull Lillian back down to earth when she started to be pulled away into the tornado of her own mind.

Cayden had been that person. And now he was gone. Well, technically he was about to go. But her time with him, as a partner, had gone.

She walked out onto Cayden’s little back porch and focused on the very last sliver of sun sinking behind the shedding trees. As it lowered, and the sky darkened, so did the elation of earlier from being with him. I have to remind myself why I’m doing this, she thought. If she had been speaking out loud it would have been in her no-nonsense voice. I’m not what’s best for him. He needs someone more suited to who he is and what he loves to do. Someone healthier and stronger and more beautiful.

Are you saying you’re not beautiful? Amelia’s voice popped up in her head, and Lillian breathed relief.

No, she replied, I’m not saying I’m not beautiful. I’m just saying that I’m not at all the type of people that Cayden usually surrounds himself with. I’m pretty much the opposite of all that.

Who’s to say that the opposite isn’t good for him?

Amelia had a point. She would always talk to Lillian like this, challenging her perspective even when she didn’t necessarily disagree. “I’m playing the devil’s advocate here, hon,” she would always say as a disclaimer before making her counter-opinion. “It helps put things in perspective.”

Lillian always got mad at her for that, but now that Amelia had been gone for a few years she appreciated it more than she had ever expected she would.

“Maybe it’s good for him,” she mumbled, losing a good chunk of her ego. “Maybe I’m wrong.” Even after her death, Amelia was still winning arguments. Either way Lillian still didn’t want to think about it until she had to, and not even then.

Amelia had always encouraged Lillian to do her best to live in the moment.

The door opened behind her and Cayden stepped out, his hair wrapped up in a towel like a turban. “Enjoying the evening air?”

At the sight of his towel turban, she pressed her hand against her mouth and snorted, trying to stifle a laugh. “Wow, so fashionable.”

“I always do my hair like this, what are you talking about?” He bent at the waist and ferociously rubbed the towel through his hair to dry it, then draped the towel over his bare shoulder. He stared at his shirt covering her body. “I like the way you dress. I’m not complaining.”

She smiled, not sure how to respond.

“The food should be here soon.”

“Good. You look like you’re about to fall over from starvation.”

“Me? Look at yourself!” Jokingly, he wrapped both hands around her arm. “I think you’ve shrunk, Lil.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Now wasn’t the time to talk about her illness.

“Well, anyway. Can I fix you a drink? Get you something?”

“I have some water.”

“What about some wine?”

Lillian’s eyes lit up. “Wine?”

“Yes, wine. I got a bottle yesterday just in case...” He trailed off and cleared his throat. “Is red okay?”

“Red’s the best.” Her mood lifted, and she followed him inside, making light conversation for a few minutes until the food came. Neither of them mentioned anything throughout dinner about him leaving again or their plans for the future. They kept it casual, almost like they were just getting to know each other.

But the elephant in the room was huge, and it had to be acknowledged at some point.

After they ate, they cleaned up without talking. It wasn’t a passive-aggressive sort of silence; it was a silence that understood it wasn’t time to talk about the obvious yet. Lillian considered going home, but before she could decide whether to go or not Cayden pulled her back in the bedroom. He lay his head on her chest and fell asleep in an instant.

She tried to fall asleep, but her mind kept her awake for what seemed like hours. The moon rose higher, and no matter how peaceful it made the trees look or how lovely its light was glinting off the wind chimes just outside the window, she couldn’t pull her mood back together.

Eventually, she managed to asleep. Surprisingly it was a deep sleep, black and dreamless. She eased out of it, feeling like she had just been run over. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust. The room was lit by a small lamp in the corner, its light radiating warm through the orange lampshade.

That’s the ugliest lamp I’ve ever seen. It was her first thought, and she wanted to change it for him. Get him a new one. Maybe find an old one from an antique sale and fix it for him. Then she realized they weren’t together, and that would be overstepping their boundaries.

Grunting, she sat up and looked around. Cayden wasn’t in there anymore. Something at the other end of the house thudded and she got to her feet slowly, feeling achy.

“Cayden?” she called.

“Yeah, in here.”

Something in her had feared he’d left already, but hearing his voice made her tension release. She stuck her head in the living room. Cayden knelt on the floor, zipping up his suitcase. When he saw her, he stood and pulled on his shirt.

He’s going. It was really happening. Today had been just a fling, after all. “Are you leaving now?” she asked, her voice high and stressed.

“I have to go to the airport now,” he replied simply.

“Right now?”

“Yes. My flight leaves in a couple of hours.”

“You didn’t want to tell me this until the moment you’re walking out the door?” Lillian felt her blood pressure start to rise.

“It didn’t feel like the right time.”

“It would’ve been nice to have some notice.” She sounded like a miserable teenager, but didn’t know how to stop it.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know I can’t make you happy.”

“I never said that.”

“Well, it seems like since I’ve gotten back all you’ve been is unhappy except when you got what you wanted from me, coming into my yard in the middle of me working and making a move.”

Her jaw dropped. “You think I did it just because I wanted to? How about I thought it would make you happy, too?”

Cayden stared menacingly at the couch.

“I didn’t want this to happen, Cayden. I’m sorry. It was a mistake.” I should’ve just stayed in my house.

He glared at her. “You’re incredibly selfish, you know that?”

She was? No she wasn’t. She’d come for him. Bullshit. She’d come because she couldn’t stop herself. “Right now, it seems like you’re not happy with the thought of me being here. You couldn’t even tell me you were leaving until you’re zipping up your suitcase.”

His eyes could’ve shot lasers. “A month ago, I never would’ve thought you’d be attacking me.”

“Attacking you?” she scoffed. “Forgive me, Cayden. Maybe part of it is that I hate being away from you so much. It sucks that you were gone for such a long time. You coming back was a tease that wasn’t good for either of us.”

“I came back when I wasn’t supposed to, Lil. I thought it would change your mind. I’m leaving in the middle of the night because I wanted to have all the time with you I could get.” His face was red. “I’m over there, working hard. Doing what I love. And finally making some damn good money at the same time.”

“Oh? I started to think maybe you were over there because Janine just loves you so much and can’t get enough of you.”

He got even more angry. “Don’t start with that.”

“Why not? She obviously likes you enough to pay you a boatload of money to literally move to Los Angeles with her while she finds ‘the perfect trainer.’” She sarcastically did air quotes.

“She’s a crazy-rich woman and is equally picky. I didn’t ask to go with her.”

“So, you’re not denying her attraction towards you?”

“I am denying it! It’s stupid that you’d even consider it. Janine’s married.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“This is ridiculous.”

The way he said it rubbed Lillian the wrong way. She’d never felt her blood boil so viciously as it was right now. “No, you know what’s ridiculous?” she shouted as he pulled on a jacket and raised the handle of his suitcase. “What’s ridiculous is that you said you would only be gone for a couple of weeks. You promised.”

He started to roll his suitcase toward the door.

“Maybe if you had kept your promise and didn’t stay over there so long, we wouldn’t be having this fight right now. You said you didn’t want to be away from me.” Tears gathered in her eyes so thickly she could barely see in front of her.

“I have to go now. Lock the door on your way out.” He left the door open and loaded his suitcase into the car.

“Oh, great. Now you’re leaving without saying goodbye?”

“I want to say goodbye in the short term, Lil,” he growled, stomping over to her and pointing a finger in her face. “You have no idea how this is affecting me. I never want to have this argument with you again.”

“Neither do I!”

“I think we’re amazing together. I love taking care of you. I love doing your yard for you. I love that you help me organize my house, or whatever. Being with you makes me happy. That’s all I want in life: to be with someone who makes me happy.” He frowned, the shadow cast over half his face making his words sound even darker. “I guess it’s just another disappointment to add to my list.”

He stepped back, and the tears flowed from her eyes. “I hate hurting you.”

“Yeah. Well, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you decided to break up with me through a text message.” He seemed miles away now even though he was just beside his car, opening the door. Anxiety came over every nerve in Lillian’s body as she watched him put a foot inside the car. “I’m going to be late. ‘Bye, Lil.”

He backed up and drove away. She stood there, trying to look defiant and strong, until he was long gone. Then her legs fell out from under her and she crumpled to the ground, leaning against the railing of his front steps. The night air was chilly, and she shivered, but the tears were hot. Each one seemed to burn a cavern in her cheeks as it ran down and dripped off her jaw.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there. She didn’t care. Finally, when the tears became fewer and fewer, she locked his house with the key she had put under his backdoor mat and dragged herself back to her house.