Twenty-Three
Saturday, June 27
PPC Auditorium
Dear Mira Nair,
I am writing this as a newly minted director who’s shown her work to an audience of … I don’t know, a thousand people? Pretty much every single PPC student was there, plus their parents. The auditorium was full.
But wait, let me back up. Because this evening wasn’t all roses and clapping and happy singing.
So I took the public bus to school because, of course, Papa was at work with our car. Mummy was ensconced in her bedroom, sleeping off a headache according to Dadi, but Dadi gave me multiple kisses and even a bracelet she’d woven from an old sari that she said “Chandrashekhar has put his blessings on.” I don’t think I need to know the details. I rubbed my finger over it the entire bus ride, my stomach bubbling over with nerves. I thought I’d get car sick (bus sick?) for the first time in my life.
I got off the bus and walked the half mile to school, and right when I was about to climb up the steps of the auditorium, Sahil was coming down. We stared at each other. I smiled a little and then tried to walk past because I was trying to respect his space and everything, when he put a hand on my arm. It was like grabbing an exposed wire with your wet hand (which, if it wasn’t clear, is a super-bad idea and you should never do) but less lethal. I tried not to gasp audibly.
“Hey,” he said, his eyes gentle as always. He was dressed in a green and blue striped button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and black jeans. His hair was spiked and he was clean-shaven. It was a punch to the gut, a forcible reminder of all those times he’d taken me in his arms, all the times we’d kissed, all the sweet words he’d whispered that were now scattered to the winds. “You ready for this?”
Taking a deep breath, I patted my lucky film-reel hair sticks. The charm bracelet Maddie had given me clinked on my wrist. I was also wearing my lucky film-reel toe socks, but he didn’t need to know that. “I think so. I mean, can you ever be ready for your first-ever film screening?”
He smiled, but there was a distance that had never been there before. “I guess not. I heard it’s going to be a full house tonight too.” He must’ve seen the utter panic on my face, because he added quickly, “It’s going to be great. You’re a gifted director, and we’ve worked hard on the movie. People are gonna love it.”
I realized how … professionally aloof his words were. He was purposely holding me at arm’s length, afraid to let me get too close. “Thanks, Sahil,” I said, wondering if he could hear the tears threatening, the pain and regret behind every syllable.
I wanted to say all the things I was holding back. I wanted to play our road trip game again.
Did you hear I’ve tossed and turned without you since you walked away from me?
Did you hear I’m wondering if you’ll ever stop hating me?
Did you hear I don’t care about your brother beyond the fact that he’s your brother?
Did you hear I’m falling in love with you?
But I didn’t say any of the above.
“Well …,” Sahil said, rubbing a hand along his jaw. “I should, um … go get the props from the SUV. Skid and Aaron are waiting for me in the parking lot.”
“Okay.” I watched him walk away. I waited for him to look at me at some point before he disappeared. But he never did.
Our movie was scheduled to play last. I sat backstage through all the acts before ours—including the pineapple chopping by CC and his friends which, miraculously, didn’t end with anyone having to go to urgent care—with a pounding heart and a completely dry mouth.
When it was time for the festival to begin and I’d given the tech person the thumb drive with our movie and the bonus footage on it, I walked back out to the audience. All the Dracula actors and stagehands were sitting together, toward the front. Someone had saved me a seat in the middle, with a sign on the back that said DRACULA DIRECTOR—RESERVED. I grinned as I sat, with Sahil on one side of me and Maddie on the other. They both sat stiffly, making sure not to get in my personal space at all, but I was too distracted to be distraught.
I’d already seen the movie, naturally, so while it played, I kept my eye on the audience. I think it’s an epic compliment that the entire auditorium of about one thousand people was completely silent while the movie played. The actors and actresses beside me were all wide-eyed. I realized that for most of them, this was the first time they were experiencing the absolute magic of seeing themselves transformed by a story. Maddie kept beaming at various scenes, her eyes shining in the darkness, like she was so utterly proud. I was incredibly happy for her in those moments, I can’t even tell you.
And then … then the behind-the-scenes footage began to play. As the last scene faded and the segue music played, my heart started to thunder. Skid and I looked at each other, and he gave me a tiny thumbs-up. I felt Maddie stiffen beside me. The other actors and actresses all shifted around and looked uncomfortable, probably remembering all the awful things they’d said and wondering how I’d portray them and their secrets on-screen.
The first candid scene began.
It was a shot of Sherie Williams at the Aspen cabin, talking about how she’d been failing a bunch of classes. The cheer coach had told her she couldn’t be on the team anymore unless she brought her GPA up, so all the other cheerleaders had taken turns tutoring her after school every day in the classes they were best at. Sherie had managed to bring her GPA up to a 3.0 and stayed on the team.
The scene faded into a shot of Francesca Roberts talking about how her friends, all of whom she’d known since kindergarten, had “kidnapped” her from school on her sixteenth birthday and taken her to Six Flags, her favorite place in the world.
Vic, Lewis, and Taylor were next. I watched people leaning forward, to take in each story, their faces shining, laughing with the people on-screen. I watched people looking at one another, their eyes busy with memories, connecting because of my movie. I saw parents put their arms around their children, best friends hug.
And it hit me fully: I wanted to make movies that would bring people together, not ones that would tear them apart. And if that meant I had to be penniless and unsung all my life, then that was okay with me. Some things were more important than fame and money.
As the footage wound to a close, Sahil took my hand. Just for a second. I was so shocked, I didn’t even close my fingers around his before the audience broke out into thunderous applause, many of them even giving us a standing ovation, and by then Sahil had already pulled away. I stood too, and clapped for everyone around me, all the actors, actresses, the stagehands, the technicians, my producer. Sahil, Maddie, and I were grinning and cheering and happy. Just for that second.
Afterward, I hugged Skid, who was standing there with Portia, who was absolutely as stunning as he’d said she was. “Thank you,” I said to him, squeezing his arm. “You did a fantastic job with the footage. I know I didn’t give you much time.”
“Ah, you made it easy,” he said, waving a hand. “Your shots were all clean.”
I looked at Portia and shook my head. “He’s being overly humble right now. He’s basically a genius.”
“Oh, I know.” She smiled down at Skid (she had about six inches of height on him) in this adoring way. I knew then he was definitely going to have a serious girlfriend by the end of the summer. They waved to me and strolled off together. I sniffed. Wow. Skid hadn’t skimped on deodorant tonight.
Sahil came up to me. “Hey,” he said. “That was”—his eyes searched mine—“incredible.”
I smiled. “Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
There was a pause that stretched on as we stared at each other. “So,” I began.
“I have to go,” he said, scratching his jaw. “I came over to tell you there are a cluster of reporters and radio hosts from various places over there.” He waved to the back of the auditorium, where a group of people stood. “They want to talk to you.”
I stared at him, my mouth open. “Are you serious? The media people want to talk to me?”
He nodded, a small half smile playing at his lips. “You’re a star.” He leaned down and gave me a hug, and my eyes slipped shut as I felt his hard planes against my soft curves. “Good-bye, Twinkle,” he whispered, and then he walked away. My heart broke at the finality of his tone. He wasn’t just saying good-bye for tonight. He was saying good-bye forever.
Somehow, despite feeling like the moon had just crashed into the ocean and been swallowed, I managed to give the reporters what they wanted. They were all smiling and nodding; that’s how I know. When they left, Dadi came up to me. She hugged me and told me she was proud of me and that she loved my movie, like, a zillion times. And when she moved aside, I saw Mummy behind her, staring at me like she couldn’t believe it: Dracula, this creation, had come out of her creation.
I sat back after a while and just watched people. Neil, with some blond girl who didn’t go to our school, their arms around each other’s waists. I felt absolutely nothing. Matthew and Aaron, holding hands and walking out into the night. Lewis Shore and his dad talking to Maddie. Then she walked up to Brij and they began to talk, their heads close together. Victoria flirting with some big muscular dude wearing a Yankees jersey, who looked to be Francesca’s cousin.
I was happy for everyone. But all the celebrating felt like a distant world I couldn’t fully be a part of because of the gaping hole where my heart used to be. Dadi was right. It had gone from broken to pulverized.
Slowly, the auditorium began to empty out. And now I’m just sitting here, among all the empty chairs. I have no best friend and the guy I love doesn’t love me back anymore. The minute I leave, real life will begin again. All the magic will be over. So maybe I’ll just sit here writing in this journal until someone forces me out.
Which might be now, actually. I hear footsteps walking up behind me. Probably that spiteful-looking security guard with the patchy goatee I saw before. Sigh.
Love,
Twinkle
Saturday, June 27
Maddie’s car
Dear Sofia Coppola,
It wasn’t the security guard. It was Maddie. And Hannah.
Maddie came and sat by me, sweeping her fuchsia maxi dress under her. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out two Twizzlers and handed me one. “Here.”
“Oh. Thanks.” I took it and looked from her to Hannah, who was fabulous as usual in a bright yellow dress and a turquoise bib necklace. I sat silently, waiting for someone to explain what was going on. Hannah’s cheeks were faintly pink, and she kept looking at me and then away, fiddling with the strap of her purse.
Finally, Maddie cleared her throat and looked at Hannah, who walked forward and perched on the armrest of one of the theater chairs near mine. “Twinkle,” she said, “I’m so sorry.”
I dropped my Twizzler. “Um. What?” Maddie pressed another one into my hand, but I barely felt it.
“I’ve treated you pretty badly,” Hannah said, her clear blue eyes focused on mine. “And I’m sorry for that. I want you to know that it wasn’t about you at all.” She took a breath. “Maddie and I have had a chance to talk, and … I realized I was just, um, jealous. And scared. I didn’t want to lose Maddie to you, and it brought out this bad side of me.” She looked down at her hands in her lap, at the many rings on her fingers. “I know you’re really Maddie’s best friend. I never had a chance at all, and that bothered me. A lot. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you, though. I hope you’ll accept my apology.”
I glanced at Maddie, who was playing with a Twizzler and looking intently at me. “It’s okay,” I began to say to the both of them. “Well, maybe it’s not okay. But I … I understand. I know losing Maddie as my best friend hurt.” I smiled a little. “I let that hurt change me, too. But someone recently told me that if you can take steps to correct your mistakes, it makes a world of difference. And I respect that you’re doing that, Hannah.”
She smiled. “So … you forgive me?”
“Yeah. I do. And, you know. We can all still hang out, if you want.”
Her smile brightened. “Thanks. I’d like that.”
Maddie nodded.
“Anyway, I think you guys have some talking to do, so I’m gonna head out. Thanks for listening, Twinkle.”
“Thanks for apologizing,” I said, waving as she tip-tapped her way to the exit. Wow. Talk about blurring the line that separates us, Sofia. It was like a scene right out of one of your movies.
I took a breath and turned to Maddie. She took a big bite of her Twizzler and chewed. “I like your bracelet,” she said, shaking her wrist. I saw the other half of the heart charm there, and felt a lump in my throat.
“Thank you for getting it for me. It’s perfect.”
She smiled a little and shrugged. “I got it a long time ago.”
I cleared my throat. “I … I thought you left. After the movie.”
“No. After Hannah and I spoke, I was outside, in Brij’s car. We were … talking.” I raised an eyebrow and her cheeks stained a light pink. “Yeah … he’s … nice.” One corner of her mouth lifted up. “Really nice.”
“Oh.” Grinning, I took a bite of my Twizzler. So my matchmaking had paid off, after all. “And Lewis?”
Maddie shook her head and tucked a loose strand of hair behind one ear. “Lewis and I aren’t … He was talking to his dad for me. You know his dad’s on the boards of a few hospitals?” I nodded. “So, there’s this big internship over the summer on the Johns Hopkins campus he thinks he can put in a good word for me for. Only three people from the entire country are chosen for it, and every single person who’s been chosen has been accepted to Johns Hopkins.” She grinned suddenly.
“Oh my God,” I said, staring at her. “That’s everything you’ve ever wanted since you were, like, six, Maddie.”
“I know.” Her eyes shone. “I’m just … I have my fingers crossed. I’ll hear in two weeks if I got in or not.”
“You’ll get in. I know you will.”
Maddie smiled. “Thank you.” She was wearing a side ponytail, big chandelier earrings, and winged eyeliner. She looked like a professional actress at her first-ever premiere. Some people just naturally have that glam gene. I am so not one of them. I could tell my hair was frizzing, and my purple tutu skirt was completely rumpled. My lip gloss was probably all over my teeth. “So. You didn’t show the footage,” Maddie said quietly.
I let out a breath. “No, I didn’t.”
She nodded and kept chewing. “Why not?”
Sighing, I took another bite of my Twizzler. “I don’t know. Maybe I learned that spreading gossip for popularity is a douche-heady move, even if I thought showing people the truth would be doing them a favor. In the end, I realized that we all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we deserve to have those mistakes plastered on the wall in an auditorium. Besides, every action I take is a brick in my character. Do I want to be the sort of person who spreads misery and unhappiness with my art?” I looked at her. “You were right. I’m sorry I didn’t see it then.”
She smiled at me. “You fixed the problem. That’s all that matters.”
I nodded and looked away. “I guess so.” I wondered if Mummy showing up tonight had been her way of trying to fix something too.
“Twinkie.”
I looked back at her, my heart squeezing at the sound of her childhood nickname for me.
“You were right too. I have been bad at trying to balance my new friendships with my old ones.” She grabbed my hand. “I’m so, so sorry. It’s been horrible for you, hasn’t it?”
“It’s … yeah.” I shrugged. “It was pretty awful at first. But recently, with the movie and everything … I had Sahil, and Skid, and Aaron, and Victoria. They helped me feel not so alone. Besides, it wasn’t all you. I had a hard time coming to terms with you making new friends too. I … It exposed all my insecurities, like a raw nerve, and you saw what happened. I went ballistic.”
“Maybe a little.” After a pause, she added, “Hey, so, Brij told me about the whole secret admirer thing.”
I glanced at her, surprised. “He did? Did it bother you?”
She laughed. “No. I told him it was obvious why he had a crush on you. You’re adorable.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Right. And anyway, he stopped having a crush on me because he realized you were the truly adorable one.”
She waved me off, but her cheeks turned a bright pink, and I knew she was happy. “But tell me something. Are you and Sahil …?”
I smiled a little at her expression, but my heart hurt at the truth. “It’s a long story, but … no. Not anymore.”
She tugged on my fingers. “Hey. I’ve got time.”
I watched her, trying to figure out if she was just saying that to be nice. But all I saw was love and friendship. So I filled her in on everything that had happened, with me thinking Brij was Neil, with how Sahil and I had fallen for each other, and how he wanted nothing at all to do with me anymore because of the whole Neil thing. How it was so much bigger than sibling rivalry, like I’d thought at first.
Maddie tapped her fingers against the armrest as I spoke. “You know, that makes sense,” she said when I finished. “Remember when you had bronchitis and were too sick to go to that skit a bunch of us put on in second grade?”
“Vaguely …”
“It was that talent show thing for our parents one summer. I think we set up the fake stage on Skid’s deck. Anyway, Neil and Sahil were a joint act, and they decided to do a bit from a Frog and Toad book. So, they got up there and Neil delivered his lines perfectly. And when it was Sahil’s turn, he just … shut down.”
“What do you mean, shut down? What did he do?”
“Nothing. That’s the thing.” Maddie sighed. “He just stood there, staring at all the parents and us kids, and his mouth opened and then closed again, like a fish.”
I winced, feeling humiliated on Sahil’s behalf. “Oh my God.”
“Yeah. So then Neil stepped forward and seamlessly took over Sahil’s part too. He did these two different voices, one for Frog and the other for Toad—which was supposed to be Sahil—and the parents and the other kids loved it. Everyone was clapping and laughing and cheering for Neil. And Sahil just … faded off into the background. And then he stepped off the stage and no one noticed, because everyone was looking at Neil. I still remember, though. I remember feeling bad for Sahil, but at the same time … that’s just how it was, even back then. He wasn’t meant for the limelight like Neil was.”
“Yeah, but … what a horrible way to figure that out.” My heart was breaking in my chest at the thought of tiny, eight-year-old Sahil realizing people were so much more adoring of his brother. That he just couldn’t compete.
“Yeah. And you know what? Now that I think about it, Neil went off with Lewis and the other guys afterward. But Sahil stayed behind and helped clean up. I think that’s the summer he, Skid, and Aaron became good friends.”
“Sahil’s selfless like that, always doing the right thing.” And I’d broken his heart. He thought I was the one person who wouldn’t put him up against Neil, that I wouldn’t compare them, and I’d done just that. “I screwed up bad, Maddie,” I said, my voice thick with tears. “He took my hand at the end of the movie and I thought maybe he’d be able to forgive me … but no. As soon as I said his name, he walked off. Like he said, it hurts too much for him to even look at me. He hates my guts.”
“But he took your hand? When the footage played?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“And he told you it hurts him to be near you?”
“Um, sort of. That’s the gist, yeah.”
“Twinkie.” Maddie looked at me, one eyebrow raised, like I was missing something obvious.
“What?”
“Sahil is madly in love with you.”
“What?” I said again, scoffing. “Please. I mean, maybe he was falling for me. At one time. But I wrecked everything with the whole Neil thing.”
Maddie cocked her head. “It’s pretty clear from where I sit that Sahil is just in pain. A lot of pain. But if he truly hated your guts, he wouldn’t say it hurt to be around you. He wouldn’t look at you the way I saw him looking at you all night. He wouldn’t take your hand. Twinkie … the boy loves you. Like, seriously loves you.”
I stared at her, too afraid to say anything, just in case she changed her mind. “Are you …? Are you sure?”
“One hundred percent.” She sat back and pulled another Twizzler out of her bag. “So. Now the question is, what are you going to do?”
I knew what I, Miss Wimpy Wallflower Extraordinaire, wanted to do: I wanted to go home and go to bed. To just ignore all of this. But on the other hand, I knew what I needed to do. What the brave thing to do was in this situation. And if I didn’t do it, if I didn’t take this chance, I knew I’d regret it forever.
“Maddie,” I said, swallowing my fear. “Could you please give me a ride?”
She stuffed the entire Twizzler in her mouth in three bites and hopped up. “Let’s go.”
And so here I am, in her car, speeding toward either ecstatic love or devastating heartbreak (again). Gulp. Wish me luck.
Love,
Twinkle