From Twinkle, With Love by Sandhya Menon (10)

Ten

Wednesday, June 10
17 days until Midsummer Night!
Homeroom

Dear Mira Nair,

I know my life is a mess right now with Maddie, Sahil, N, etc., etc. But I cannot even worry about that because …

TODAY IS THE DAY I HOLD MY FIRST AUDITIONS!

I hadn’t expected this day to come for many, many years. But today I get to sit in a room and watch people perform. And based on my decisions, a film will evolve—one that has the power to start conversations and get people talking about things like feminism and art.

Have I mentioned I’m a sixteen-year-old girl from Colorado Springs? A junior at PPC?

I keep wondering if I’m qualified to do something like this. This is a huge, huge responsibility. It just keeps hitting me that this isn’t a two-minute video I’m going to upload to my YouTube channel. This is big. Hundreds of people are going to see this at the end of the month. This is going to influence how people think. What if I ruin it? What if I have nothing to say?

What if, what if, what if?

Arrrgh. It’s too late to back out now, even if I wanted to, which I don’t—not 100 percent. And like Dadi says, I have a feeling that if I don’t take this opportunity, I’ll look back and kick myself.

So here I go, onward and (hopefully) upward! Wish me luck.

Love,

Twinkle

Wednesday, June 10
AP US History

Dear Ava DuVernay,

I need to reread the story about how you got your start making films. In the meantime, let me tell you a little story about mine. You know how I was hoping at least ten people would show up to auditions?

Well.

So Sahil and I were sitting in Ms. Rogers’s classroom at lunch, waiting until 12:20, which is the time we put on the flyers that people should show up and wait outside the door. We kept looking at each other, smiling, and then looking away, both too nervous to talk about the cabin and all that stuff (even though every time I looked at Sahil my gaze automatically fell to his lips—traitorous boy-oglers.)

Sahil sat there, too tall for the desks (his legs and arms jutted out and he kept jittering because he was so nervous), and I just closed my eyes and tried to visualize success because I read that all the big athletes do it and it’s not hokey like I used to believe. I visualized the door bursting open and this horde of people swarming in and begging to audition. I could hear some noise, but I knew what it was: people going about their business in the hallway. Would anyone come to our audition?

Then Sahil said, “It’s time!” He leaped up, bumped the desk with his thighs, and sent it sliding off toward the corner. His face flushed, he dragged it back into place.

I stood and took a deep breath. Forget ten, I said to the universe as we walked to the door. Just give me six people. Just so I don’t look like a total failure.

We opened the door. And stared.

It was like a tsunami of noise. I’m not even lying. And it wasn’t because people were loitering in the hallway at lunch either. They were all there for us. For my film, mine and Sahil’s. I just stared at them. Sahil’s paralysis broke first. He turned to me, grinning widely.

“A little more than ten,” he said, giggling. He giggles!

I shook my head slowly. “How are we even going to manage this?” I said faintly, and Sahil leaned forward because he legit could not hear me because it was so loud.

But then Skid and Aaron, who I had not seen come up, began shepherding people into a semblance of a line and Sahil hopped into the fray going, “Okay, people, let’s have some order. No, don’t break the producer, please!”

“Wow, check out the crowd,” Maddie said, pushing her way up to me.

“I know, right?” I decided to put aside our differences for the sake of our professional relationship. Maddie had clearly turned it off, and I could too. Besides, I was fairly sure this was all part of being a director. I couldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way of my art. “Oh, and thanks for showing off the capelet.” Most of the people in line were from Maddie’s social circle.

She waved me off. “Ah, it’s no big deal. People are super excited to include this in their college apps, too. It’s so different.” She tucked her hair behind an ear and half smiled at me. “So, are you psyched? This is what you’ve always wanted, coming to life.”

“I’m so psyched,” I said. And then it hit me that we sounded like acquaintances who’d run into each other at a restaurant. Ugh.

“Cool,” Maddie said, wrapping her arms around herself. “So … I’ll go wait in line. See you inside?”

I thought about saying yes. But I could feel it—my best friend slipping further away from me. So, on impulse, I said, “Um, do you want to come inside? Maybe help us pick the roles?”

“Me?” Maddie said, holding a hand up to her chest. “But I’m just an actress.” I could tell by her exultant smile that she liked calling herself that.

“So what? Perks of being the lead.”

She looked at me for a beat and then said, “Squee! Okay.”

I felt a tug of affection for her, despite everything. Maddie is the only person I know who says “squee” instead of just typing it. Smiling, I put an arm around her and led her in.

Maddie turned out to be very helpful in casting. For instance, when Sahil and I had difficulties deciding between two people, she’d say stuff like, “Oh, Olivia just got grounded for going to a frat party without telling her parents, so she probably won’t be able to make practice for a week or two.” So we chose Francesca instead. Or “Mike told everyone he thinks this whole gender-swapped idea is crap but he needs to beef up his college apps,” so we chose Brij for the role of “Morris” (Mina in the original).

Oh, and speaking of Brij—he completely captivated us with his acting! Even Maddie, who’s not into films like Sahil and I are, was leaning forward and watching him. The only reason we’d been considering Mike a little more is because Brij has a tendency to mumble. But better a mumbler than a hater, I say.

Oh, and guess what? Victoria Lyons came up and apologized to me after she auditioned. Maddie was in the bathroom and missed it. Victoria basically said, “That was pretty crappy how we interrupted your conversation yesterday. I’m sorry. Hey, by the way, you should come to Hannah’s birthday party next Saturday at my parents’ cabin. Okay?”

First I just stared at her in utter shock. Not only was Victoria Lyons apologizing to me, but she was also inviting me to a party? Then her words sank in. “Oh, it’s Hannah’s party?” I asked, thinking about our moment in the hall yesterday.

“Yes, but it’s my parents’ cabin,” Victoria said. She put a hand on my arm. “Please, Twinkle. Let me make it up to you.”

I said okay because I’d be crazy to refuse an invitation to a party at Victoria’s parents’ cabin in Aspen. Plus, she wanted to make something up to me? It was finally happening, wasn’t it? The movie was helping elevate me past groundling status, just like I’d hoped. Maybe I could hang out with some of her friends, show her that I could fit seamlessly in with the silk feathered hats. I could probably just avoid Hannah most of the time anyway.

Plus, on a professional note, it’ll be a good time to get some behind-the-scenes interviews with the cast members, like that extra footage at the end of DVDs, to make our film stand out at the festival.

I ended up casting Victoria as Renfield, but the invitation had nothing to do with it, promise. I mean, honestly, I would like to cast Hannah as the character who eats live animals with the hopes of obtaining their life force, but she didn’t show up. Big surprise there. Why would she want to go to Twinkle Mehra’s auditions? Maybe I should be thankful she even let Maddie come. Anyway, Victoria is great at styling her hair and she promised she could style it to look like a rat’s nest to suit the character’s chaotic mind.

We begin filming tomorrow—my first real movie and chance to be a director! This is so surreal, I keep looking around for Salvador Dalí to make an appearance. I just hope I can live up to expectations—everyone else’s and my own.

Love,

Twinkle

Thursday, June 11
Homeroom

Dear Valerie Farris,

I ran into Sahil today before first bell. “Hey, T,” he said, his mouth quirked in a mischievous half smile. “Where’re you rushing off to in such a hurry?”

Do not be taken in by his charm, I told myself. You have something important to do. Stay focused. “Um, I was hoping to catch you on your way to class.”

His smile got brighter and he took a half step toward me. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.” I kept my face serious and looked straight into his eyes. His gorgeous, soft brown eyes. Those eyes I’d fallen into right before we kissed. Focus, Twinkle. “Look, I know the other day at lunch I might’ve seemed like I didn’t care too much, but …” I took a breath and said the rest in a rush. If I waited, I’d lose my nerve and change the subject to the cafeteria’s chocolate milk or something. “Sahil, it was a big deal to me that you chose the cyclorama over the backdrop I wanted. I mean, I’m not saying that you bullied me into it or anything—I should’ve spoken up at Thoroughly Thespian. That’s something I struggle with, so that’s what I’m doing now. I’m speaking up. I wanted the backdrop, not the cyclorama. And I didn’t like the way you spoke to me at lunch the other day when I brought it up.”

He stepped back and shifted his weight. “Look, what’s the big deal, Twinkle? It’s just one prop in the movie. I thought we talked about this in the caf.”

“I know we did. It’s just—Sahil, the big deal is that it’s not what I wanted. And I feel like you’re just rolling over me with what you want. You’re not even hearing what I’m saying.”

He shook his head. “Well, you picked out the majority of the props.”

“Right, but you agreed the creepy stuff probably wouldn’t fly with the administration, remember? You wanted to change those out after we talked about it. I didn’t want to change this. Why are you so attached to this cyclorama, anyway?” My voice shook a little, but I held steady. This was important; I had to speak up and hold my own here. Sahil was being weirdly pushy, but that didn’t mean I was going to let myself be intimidated into silence. I’m sure you’ve dealt with the same thing, Valerie, as a woman trying hard to make her voice heard in what has been a boys’ club for way too long.

He shrugged. “It’s … bold. It screams, Look at me! And I feel like that’s what we need for this movie. We need to be noticed. We need people to see us for who we are.”

I got the strange feeling that there was a lot more under the surface than what Sahil was saying. But his eyes kept darting around, his jaw was clenched, and his arms were folded across his chest. It felt like he didn’t want me to get too close.

I sighed, sensing that we weren’t going to get anywhere right then. Maybe I could regroup and try again later, when we had more time. “Sahil, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I feel like you’re keeping something from me. You’re not even really listening. So fine. Let’s just pick this up later. I gotta get to class.”

“Okay,” he said, his expression shifting, becoming more thoughtful. “Talk soon.”

I don’t know how this whole thing is going to play out in the end, whether Sahil will finally see my point of view or if we’ll have to have some ugly argument, but at least I spoke up. Not too shabby for a groundling, eh, Valerie? I’m just trying not to be too disappointed at Sahil’s response.

Love,

Twinkle

Thursday, June 11
AP Bio

Dear Sofia Coppola,

The polar ice caps must’ve shifted because Maddie just passed me a note. In bio. When Mrs. Mears is talking about the genome project.

I’ll paste it in here when we’re done talking.

Love,

Twinkle

Thursday, June 11
AP English

Dear Sofia Coppola,

You may think I am upset, but I am, in fact, not. So I had a fight with Maddie. So she doesn’t think I belong with her FANCY, STUPID friends in their FANCY, STUPID cabin. So she thinks I’m the stuff you find under your shoe after walking around in a big city all day. Big freaking deal. We were growing apart anyway. Maybe that’s just what happens to friendships sometimes.

If you think I’m going to break down and cry, you’re mistaken. I was a total idiot to think this movie could mean good things for Maddie’s and my friendship. I was an even bigger idiot to think she’d be impressed by me hanging out with her crowd at the cabin, obviously, because she doesn’t even want me there. Apparently I’m that big of an embarrassment. When people show you who they are, you should believe them. I’m so sick and tired of being treated like this. Everyone has a breaking point, and guess what? I think Maddie found mine.

I mean, will it make it awkward when we have to spend an hour and a half after school today filming? Sure. But I am a professional, as we’ve already established. I can deal with this. I can make it a non-issue.

I can. Yep. I’ve got this.

Love,

Twinkle

Thursday, June 11
Honors Calculus

Dear Nora Ephron,

So I was walking to my locker when someone grabbed my arm. I thought it was Maddie, but when I turned, it was Sahil’s goofy smile I was looking at. My heart was more leapy than I would’ve liked, but I managed to keep my answering smile normal and not oversize like it was trying to be.

“Come with me, quick,” Sahil said, dragging me down the opposite way of my locker.

“Um, I have to get to class. School’s almost out; what’s the rush?” I followed him, but I frowned, just so he’d think I had reservations about going with him. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t. Foolish heart. Desire=DOOM, how hard is it to learn that? It’s even an alliteration.)

“I know, and I do too, but I want to show you this one thing in Ms. Rogers’s room quickly.” His voice was fizzing with excitement, so I figured he was over whatever was going on with him the last time we spoke.

I couldn’t afford to miss anything in calculus so close to the final, but my curiosity got the better of me. “Okay. You’ve piqued my interest, Sahil Roy.”

He chuckled. “Excellent.”

We rounded the corner and he opened the door to Ms. Rogers’s room, which was empty. “She’s grading in the teacher’s lounge,” he explained. Then he began to walk toward a large plank of wood that had been covered with a tarp.

“Oh, is that the cyclorama? When did you get this?” I asked, excited to see it even if it did have an evil moon with fangs. It was still part of our set. Our set. We had a SET.

He ran a hand through his hair, looking away for a second. “I went and picked it up.”

“You skipped school?” I was confused. “I thought they were supposed to deliver it tomorrow.”

He shrugged. “Most of the teachers are just doing review anyway.” Then he smiled at me and put one hand on the tarp. “Close your eyes.”

I rolled my eyes instead. “I know what it looks like, Sahil. Just take the tarp off.”

“Nope.” He thrust out his chin in this stubborn gesture that I loved. Er, I mean liked. A normal amount.

Sighing theatrically, I closed my eyes and put a hand over them for good measure. I heard the tarp rustling. And then Sahil, his voice bubbling with glee, said, “Okay. Open.”

I took my hand off and opened my eyes. And there in front of me was the backdrop. Not the cyclorama Sahil had fallen in love with, but the one I had chosen. The one with the village lights on the hill. I stared at it in complete shock. My voice went AWOL.

“Are—is this okay?” Sahil asked, frowning. “I mean, it’s all paid for and everything. You don’t have to do any—”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not that. It’s …” I swallowed. “How did you—why did you do this?”

He stuck his hands in his pockets and quirked his lips. “The how was easy. It wasn’t anything Agent Sahil couldn’t handle.” He put on his snotty agent accent. “‘This cyclorama simply doesn’t work for Miss Mehra’s vision, darling. We need something else. Something with more je ne sais quoi.’”

I snorted.

“As for the why … I was being a jerk before about it. You were right—I wasn’t listening, and I realized I was being an idiot. The cyclorama wasn’t about the cyclorama. It … Anyway …” Shaking his head, he took a step closer to me. “I heard what you said to me this morning, T. About needing to speak up? I heard you one hundred percent. And I want to give my director what she wants. I trust your vision all the way, and this is me showing you that I do.”

I still had a million questions.

Okay, so maybe only two questions.

Sahil had heard me. That was a way bigger gift than this backdrop even was. I just stared at him, rooted to the spot.

His face was anxious as the silence stretched on. “So, do you like it? I wanted it to be a surprise, which is why I didn’t consult you. …”

That broke my paralysis. I stepped even closer to him. Putting my arms around his waist, I laid my head on his chest. I heard his heart beating in there, solid and steady and strong. “This is perfect,” I said, and I wasn’t just talking about the backdrop. “Thank you.”

After a pause, Sahil’s arms wrapped around me, too. My heart thundered at his touch, but I kept my breathing calm. This was a friendly hug. At least, that’s what I wanted him to think. I stepped back. “So. You were saying how the cyclorama wasn’t actually about the cyclorama? I thought that whole conversation we had earlier didn’t seem like you. So what’s going on? What’s the cyclorama about?”

He looked at me, steady. “It’s about … being noticed. Not being the kind of person who’s going to fade into the background, overlooked for someone else.” His phone dinged in his pocket and he pulled it out. I saw NEIL on the screen, and a text message below that. Sahil put the phone back.

I smiled. “Talk about someone who doesn’t ever fade into the background.”

“What?”

“Neil. I saw the text was from him.” I laughed a little. “Ironic. We’re talking about being overlooked, and Neil texts you. I don’t think he’d know the meaning of the word ‘ignored,’ unlike some other people.” I was talking about myself, but Sahil didn’t return my smile.

“Right.”

“Anyway,” I said, studying his expression. He’d said at the cabin he didn’t like to talk about Neil, but I didn’t know something this small counted too. “You were saying?”

He waved me off. “Nah, nothing.” Raising his chin toward the backdrop, he said, “So, you want to check that out?”

Again, I got the feeling there was so much happening I couldn’t see. Sahil was an iceberg. Ninety-seven percent of him was under the surface.

He clearly didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want to be the Titanic, so I nodded and walked up to the backdrop. Running a finger along the (non-fanged) moon and (non-fingered) trees, I whistled. “Love it. Love. It. This is exactly what we need for our first scene today.” Sahil came to stand beside me, and I smiled at him. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, T,” he murmured. “Anytime.” And then he was back to being my Sahil, the soft, sweet friend I could share anything with.

Don’t judge me, Nora. I know I’ve had that secret fantasy about Neil and me being this power couple for as long as I can remember. But what about the connection I’m making with his twin brother now? Aaaahhhh. Why is high school so complicated?

Love,

Twinkle

Thursday, June 11
My room

Dear Mira Nair,

My first day of filming is over. It. Was. Amazing.

I mean, sure, things were still pretty prickly between my lead actress and me. (She and Brij were talking up a storm, but of course I couldn’t comment on that because we’re not talking to each other.) Victoria wasn’t on the same page as Maddie because she came up to me and said, “Twinkle, do you think my right side is my good side?” (She has one of the most symmetrical faces I’ve ever seen, Mira, so I’m not sure what she’s talking about. All her sides are “good.”) And then she said, “I love this white dress you got me” and “This scene is so incisive!” She even gave me her cell number in case I wanted to text her scene ideas for her character. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her I don’t have a cell phone; that probably wouldn’t compute for someone like Victoria.) I think she was trying to be my friend. Victoria Lyons. It’s like becoming a director is making me someone even silk feathered hats like Victoria respect.

And what’s weird is … I felt myself changing too. As the minutes wore on and I was directing people (as one does when one is the director), I felt like I was getting taller. My shoulders straightened out. I stopped caring about whether I’d say anything dumb because all of them were hanging on my every word. I felt like a director for the first time ever today. I wasn’t a silk feathered hat person, but just for that period of time, I wasn’t a groundling either. I’m never, ever going to forget this feeling.

Oh, and I found out why Sahil had e-mailed to ask me what font I liked. He, Skid, and Aaron had pitched in and gotten me a director’s chair with my name on it. They made me cover my eyes and sit on it and they kept asking me questions like “Do you feel different?” before they’d let me uncover my eyes. When it sank in what they’d done, I almost cried. I just looked at them, all of their faces smiling and sweet and friendly. They’d planned this for me, and they barely knew me.

It’s getting a treasured place in my room when we’re done with the film, a reminder that there are people who believe in me and the message I want to send the world. And then if I ever win an Academy Award, I’m thanking them onstage.

So, after we finished filming the first scene and Sahil dropped me off at home, I had a surprise waiting—an e-mail from N! Pasting it below.

This has easily been one of the BEST days of my life.

Love,

Twinkle