Pacing back and forth in the waiting area of the ER, I thought about my mother. I couldn’t stop seeing her lying there unconscious with the fresh needle marks in her arm. As I held her in my arms, I could’ve sworn I felt her spirit begin to lift from her body. The thought so disturbed me I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stand the thought of her dying without us having made peace with one another.

Looking around at all the people waiting for news on their loved ones, I felt their anguish. I couldn’t stand not knowing what was happening with my mother. I kept having flashbacks of when my father had fallen ill with terminal cancer. The smell of hospitals, of medicines, seeing doctors and nurses brought all that pain of losing him back.

And now I was facing losing my mother as well.

I stopped at a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water. Draining the bottle in one large swallow, I ran my hands through my hair.

All those letters my mother had written over the years. She’d really loved me, I thought. I still couldn’t comprehend what had made her leave us, but I knew she did love me.

I just had to be able to speak with her one last time.

Suddenly, the sliding doors to the ER opened and in walked Amber. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her cheeks were flushed red from the cold as she hurried to my side.

“Any news, Ash?” She threw her arms around me. I embraced her tightly inhaling the sweet scent of her hair. It wasn’t lost on me that anytime I needed someone Amber was always there.

I shook my head.

“The doctor came out to speak with me earlier. Apparently, she’d been doing a ‘speedball’ as they found significant amounts of both cocaine and heroin in her system. They’ve stabilized her for the moment, but she’s still unconscious. They don’t know why.”

Amber held my hand as we walked over to a row of empty chairs.

“Oh, Ash, I’m so sorry. This must be so hard for you.”

I nodded loving the way she was holding my hand. She was so lovely, so sweet and kind. Why hadn’t I seen that all of these years? All I had ever really thought about her was either strictly professional or sexual.

“It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. You know, I haven’t seen her since the funeral. You know how that turned out. I haven’t told you this, but I just recently found all the letters she told me about in a box in my father’s attic.”

“What? So she was telling the truth?” Amber’s mouth fell open in shock.

“Yes, she was. She had, in fact, sent me a card every year for my birthday. She’d written dozens of letters. They were all unopened in a crate deep in the attic.” Tears began to form in the corners of my eyes. Quickly, I blinked them away.

“Wow, Ash, I thought she was just saying that. I didn’t realize…I mean, she left you when you were so young.”

I nodded.

“I felt the same way until I found the letters. I had to go see her. I was surprised to find her at the same address. When I walked in, I found her on the floor unconscious. Apparently, she’s been using for a long time.” I leaned forward with my head in my hands.

Amber rubbed my back.

“I know how hard this is. I lost my mother to alcohol poisoning. I don’t know if I ever told you about that.”

“I remember you saying something about that. I’m sorry that happened. It must’ve been awful.”

“It was exactly seven years next month that my mother passed. As you know, I don’t talk to my family much. I haven’t seen my family since I left for college.”

I looked at her quizzically. She never really discussed her family much.

Amber sighed heavily.

“Yes, Ash, my family was just as damaged as yours, maybe even more so. I don’t think now is the time to discuss it, but let’s just say my mother disappointed me too.”

I took Amber’s hand and held it tightly in my own. Gazing into her deep blue eyes, I found myself getting lost within them. The pain I felt was reflected in hers.

Why had I never seen it before?

Just then, a nurse walked over to us.

“Mr. Blackthorne, the doctor wishes to see you now.” I stood up and gestured for Amber to follow me.

“No, Ash, I’ll wait here if you need me.” She kissed me quickly on the cheek.

“You can come, Amber.”

She shook her head. Without saying a word, I understood. Seeing my mother like this would bring back too many painful memories of her own.

As I followed the stout, gray haired nurse, she turned to me.

“Mr. Blackthorne, if you don’t mind my saying so, your wife is such a pretty thing. She could’ve accompanied you back here.”

“Oh, she’s not my…” I stopped before I could finish.

“Thank you,” I simply replied.

“Dr. Stein will see you now.” She led me into a small room where a doctor sat behind his desk. His balding head shone beneath the lights.

“Mr. Blackthorne, have a seat.” He extended his hand. I took his clammy hand within my own.

“Call me Ash,” I replied sitting down.

“Ash, as you know, your mother, Debra, arrived unconscious due to overdose. As I understand it, you performed CPR on her?” The doctor paused to slip his glasses on.

“Yes, I did.” I leaned forward in the chair.

“Well, son, that probably saved her life. She was found to have extremely high levels of both cocaine and heroin in her system. If she had been unconscious much longer, she would’ve died.”

“How is she now?” I was anxious to know if she was all right.

“She’s awake now. She’s still not as stable as I’d like to see her, but she’s doing better. I think it’s safe to say she’ll survive, that is, if she stops using.”

“Can I see her now?” Feeling a huge weight lifted from me, I sighed.

“Yes, you may, but only for a few moments.”

“Thank you, Dr. Stein.”

“The nurse will take you to her. And son, your mother owes you a thank you. I know she wouldn’t be alive if you hadn’t found her.” The doctor smiled at me.

I gave him a faint smile and followed the nurse. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear my mother was going to live. For years, I had shut myself off from her, not caring if she lived or died, or so I told myself. Now, I found myself wanting her to live.

I thought about returning to Amber to share with her the good news, but the doctor had only said I could see my mother for a few minutes. I was so anxious to talk with her.

As we walked to the ICU, the nurse nodded in the direction of my mother’s room.

“Just a few minutes, Mr. Blackthorne. She needs to rest.”

I nodded as she shut the door.

There on the bed lay my mother. Her long hair was lying in strings across the pillow. She looked so small and thin against the huge bed. An IV dripped into her arm and I couldn’t help but notice all the terrible track marks from the dirty needles on her arms.

“Debra?” I walked over to where she could see me. Her eyes fluttered open.

“Ashton? Is that you? Is that really you?” She smiled faintly revealing her badly decaying teeth. Perhaps she used meth as well, I thought sadly.

“It’s me, Debra. How are you feeling?” I went to her side and looked down at her.

“Ashton, come give me a hug. I’ve missed you so much.” She extended her frail arms up to me.

Leaning down, I embraced her. She felt so thin in my arms I could feel her ribs. They must’ve cleaned her up as I detected the scent of Betadine and soap.

“How did you find me? Why are you here?” She clutched my hand in hers.

“Debra….I found the letters.” I choked as a sob escaped my throat. I hadn’t anticipated our reunion to be so emotional.

“The letters?” She looked perplexed.

I nodded.

“Oh, you mean the letters I sent you after I left! Yes, Ashton, I told you at your father’s funeral I did. Ashler never gave them to you?”

I shook my head. Her eyes were deep hazel like my own. She had a dimple in her left cheek just like I did.

“Oh, Ashton, that’s why you never answered! I thought you hated me. Every letter I sent that you didn’t answer I thought you despised me. I thought maybe it was your way of getting back at me.” Tears began to spill down her face.

“No, Debra, I never even saw them until a few days ago. As soon as I uncovered them in Dad’s attic, I flew out here. I wanted to talk to you.”

Her eyes flooded with more tears. She gasped loudly.

“Oh, thank God! I prayed every day, Ashton, that you would forgive me. I never meant to hurt you by leaving.”

“Why did you leave?” I pulled my hand away from hers, but stayed close to her bedside.

“Sit down, Ashton.” Her voice was starting to shake.

I pulled a chair over to her side.

“I left, Ashton, because your father and I…well, there were things going on between us. I don’t want to upset you, but I wasn’t the only one who cheated.”

“What?” I bolted up from the chair.

“No, Ashton, please. It was a long time ago. I’m not saying he didn’t have his reasons. I was a hard woman to live with. I demanded a lot back then. I don’t want to get into what happened between your father and I. Basically, I left your father to save myself. I left you there with the intention of returning shortly. I approached your father with the idea of joint custody, but he refused saying he would crush me in court.”

I narrowed my eyes. My heart pounded as I contemplated what she said. Could my father have cheated as well?

“And he probably would have,” I whispered knowing the way my father was.

“Yes, he would have. I didn’t want you to be put through that, so I left you here. Your father said he would be sure you were taken care of and I knew that he loved you. Look, Ashton, I don’t want to justify my reasons for leaving. It was wrong and I’m so sorry.”

I nodded feeling my heart soften. I clutched her hand.

“I love you, Ashton. I’m so happy you’re here.”

I gazed into her eyes. For the first time, I sensed she was telling the truth. I believed her.

Her eyes began to shut.

“Debra, you mentioned something in your letters about a new family. What did you mean? Who’s Jimmy?”

“Oh, Jimmy, he was my husband. He passed away a few years ago. Drug overdose.”

“I see. So he had children?”

She nodded. Her eyes opened and shut slowly. She seemed to be slipping away.

“Debra? Debra! Wake up. I just want to know. What happened after you left?”

“Hmmm? Yes, I left my baby boy, Ashton. Didn’t want to. I know I hurt him,” she murmured, her eyes fluttering.

I leaned forward. She was slipping into unconsciousness! I had to know.

“Mom? It’s me, Ashton. What happened?”

“Your father…. he cheated on me over and over again. Rita---it was Rita.”

I shook my head covering my ears. I couldn’t stand to hear her shatter my illusions about my father.

“No, he didn’t. He met Rita long after you left.”

“Ashton, he didn’t. Your father hit me. He….did things to me.” Her voice trailed off.

“No, he didn’t, Debra!” Rage began to build within me. How dare she speak of my father that way!

Her fingers reached toward me.

“Oh, Ashton, there’s something I have to tell you. Be careful. He knows about you.”

“Who?” I screamed, desperate to know.

Suddenly, the alarm went off. A hideous, shrill beeping sound erupted in the room. A sharp, green line went flat across the monitor.

In an instant, the room was filled with hospital staff. They pushed me outside the room.

As I stood helplessly outside her room, I wrung my hands. Who found out about me? Maybe she was delusional due to the overdose. How could my father have cheated on her with Rita? He didn’t even meet Rita until I was nine.

Biting my hand, I waited outside the room. Amber came racing to me.

“Are you okay, Ash? I asked the nurses about your mother and they sent me back here.”

“She’s…she’s…I don’t know.” Deep sobs escaped my throat as Amber wrapped her arms about me.

“It’s okay, Ash.” She caressed my back as all my anguish just poured out.

“What happened?”

“She and I were talking. She said she was sorry for leaving me. Then, she came up with some crazy story that my dad was cheating on her with Rita. Hell, Amber, he didn’t even know Rita then. She was slipping in and out babbling about being careful…” I trailed off staring at the room where they were working on my mother.

“Maybe she was imagining things. Those drugs can do terrible things to a person.”

I nodded swallowing hard.

“Then she said ‘Be careful. He knows about you.’ I have no idea what that even means.”

Dr. Stein opened the door to my mother’s room. He wiped his glasses off on his coat.

“Is she going to be okay, Dr. Stein?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“She’s in a deep coma, son. I really don’t know. I’ve seen this before. An overdose triggers something that’s already wrong with a person.”

“What’s wrong then?” Amber asked holding my hand tightly.

“A lot of things. Liver failure for one. She’s been an alcoholic for years. She also has a mass in her brain. We’re sending her down for a CAT scan now.”

My heart dropped to the floor. I was going to lose her.

“So, what does that mean?” I asked impatiently.

“Son, it means we just don’t know yet. If I had to make a guess based upon her history and what I’ve seen today, I wouldn’t anticipate she has long.”

“Dr. Stein, she mentioned a lot of things to me in our conversation that didn’t make sense. Does that happen often?”

He nodded.

“All the time. Patients with these types of issues often babble incoherently or mix up the past with the present.”

Amber squeezed my hand.

“So, what do we do now?”

“Just wait. It’s all you can do.”

The nurse came to take us back to the waiting room.