CHAPTER 1
Daisy
S o I’ve got to warn you, he says to me,” she says.
“This doesn’t sound good,” I say, pulling my face back like I’m entering a wind tunnel.
“Girl, you have no idea!”
I can’t help but laugh. My bestie, Dawna, has had me in stitches since we met in first grade.
“So where was I? Oh yeah! So this sorry ass excuse for a man says,” Dawna pauses to raise her voice to imitate her date from last night. “It’s technically called a micropenis.”
“Ouch!” I say.
“Wrong! Not ouch, because let me tell you…when you see your first micropenis you know without a damn doubt in the world that that little sucker could not hurt a fly, let alone tear up my pussy like it needs tearing up!”
I spit my Kool-Aid across the room, but Dawna’s expression hasn’t changed.
“I sure don’t know about you, but when a man starts talking about economics or science, or whatever the hell a damn micropenis is, when he takes his clothes off, this girl is taking off herself! As in adios. Buh-bye. Do not pass go, and definitely do not collect any lovin’ from me. I do not get wet discussing interest rates or bond prices. Huh-uh! Hells to the no! And I sure as hell ain’t never fantasized about Alan Greenspan going down on me while I scream the current exchange rates of the Canadian loonie!”
I am literally in tears.
“But I can tell you what is loony, as a matter of fact, was me accepting a blind date with some prep school boy who has never lifted a finger in his life, let alone a damn barbell. Never making that mistake again.”
“Dawna, you’ve got to write a book about all these whack ass guys you meet.”
“Are you crazy? I don’t need to be writing any books. What I need to do is find a real man who knows how to eat pussy, and fuck me like his life depends on it…because if he ever wants to see me again it sure as hell does.”
“Well where in Salt Creek are we going to find a guy like that?”
Dawna’s mouth drops open and her hands follow suit, as the tray of brownies we just made falls from her hands and land on the linoleum. “Right…out…your…window… is where we’re going to find him. Who is that?”
“You mean the guy my dad hired to, oh—” I say as I turn my head to look out the window.
“Oh is right, as in that man needs to see my O face as soon as possible,” Dawna says.
“My property, my man,” I say, pretending to push Dawna back away from the window.
“Where are your binoculars, girl? I know your ex-Navy SEAL, Special Forces, Delta Force Daddy, Dark Ops, whatever in the hell he was all around badass military man dad has to have a pair around her somewhere?”
“Dawna, you might need binoculars for your micropenis peeps, but I can assure you no binoculars are needed today.”
Mystery man is on that small patch of concrete between our house and the wooden fence that separates our property from our neighbors. We’ve got a shower out there that my dad uses sometimes after he finishes doing lawn work, or after he’s all salty from surfing. Apparently our new gardener knows about the shower too because he’s out there whistling away scrubbing down in nothing more than his Calvin’s…which are actually Jockeys.
He looks left and then right.
“Duck down, girl! Don’t let him see us.”
We pull our heads from the window before slowly bringing them back up to watch.
“He thinks the coast is clear,” Dawna says.
“It’s not like we’re going to attack him,” I say.
“Speak for yourself!”
I see Dawna’s eyes bulge and I look back out the window. He slides his thumbs into the sides of his underwear and drops them down to the ground, before stepping out with his right foot and then his left.
“Turn, damnit. Turn!” Dawna says with gritted teeth.
God must be a woman today, because right on cue he twists to scrub his…Oh. My. God. I don’t even know what you call one that big!
“Would that be a…macropenis?” I say.
“That would be the World Bank, and I sure as hell am lining up for a deposit.”
“Don’t you mean a withdrawal?”
“I mean whatever he wants to give me, I am more than happy to accept. High interest. Low interest. Puts. Calls. Leaps. I’ll take it all from that NASDAQ daddy.”
“I’m not sure either one of us could take all of that.”
“Speak for yourself. I’ll find a way or die trying.”
“You better be prepared for the latter, because that thing is a deadly weapon no doubt.”
“Who needs a ladder, when you can climb that rope!”
“Speaking of rope, isn’t your little sis waiting on you to pick her up from that boot camp workout thing she started?”
“Don’t try and distract me.” Dawna looks up at the clock. “Oh crap. You’re right! Where did the time go? And at the best possible moment too.”
“Stay a little bit longer. Just text her.”
“Daisy, she’s sixteen and she’s developing. I’m not leaving her standing out there alone at the beach in her sweaty workout gear.”
“Ouch. You’re right.”
“Ouch is right, for both of us.” Dawna grabs her keys and makes her way to the door. “I better hear stories about this tomorrow.”
“Why tomorrow?”
“Because you two better be going at it all night.”
“I don’t even know who he is.”
“Precisely. It will make it that much hotter,” Dawna says as she steps out the door. She sticks her head back in the small crease, just as the door is about to shut. “I’m serious Daisy. This guy just fell right into your lap…now go fall into his.” Dawna turns her neck sideways and raises her brows, letting me know she’s going to read me the riot act if I don’t make a move on this guy. “Dawna…out,” she says as the door closes.
As one door closes another one opens, as I slide out the back door.