Chapter 6 - Brent
I found myself sitting alone at the bar inside the hotel, nursing my drink, unsuccessfully trying to get Michelle's face out of my head.
To say the date didn't go so well was an understatement. I didn't want to tell her how bad I had been missing her. It was like seeing her unearthed a chest of feelings I had suppressed for so long. For so long I had been neglecting my love life, in the truest sense of the word.
Yeah, I had been with some women after Michelle and I broke up. It was only natural. At first it was to fill the void that was left when we were no longer together. And then, as I got into business, I suddenly found myself surrounded by many new 'friends'. Well, they were your friends as long as they thought you could give them something. Money, attention, status, favors. But I wasn't like that, and I wasn't going to be. I had my own principles and I stuck to them. That's what made the business successful.
The relationships I did have - I can't say they were ever real love. I sometimes told myself they were and that this person was the one. I tried to tell myself that enough times thinking I could eventually persuade myself to believe it. But it always a lie, and deep inside, I knew it. My mind would always compare the women of my past to Michelle, and none of them stirred the emotions and longing I felt like the memory of Michelle did. I would drive someone home and sit there outside their place, wondering what was the point, like I was just going through the motions, hoping that one day Michelle would materialize while I was in the middle of that script. I would imagine seeing her the next day instead of the person I was picking up, and we'd drive to one of our old favorite hang outs while we were in high school.
Mega Burger wasn't the classiest of joints but it had been good enough for us when we were students. I remember one day when I had taken her there after class.
We had been eating our burgers in silence, looking out the unwashed window into the evening's light blues and intermittent bright headlights of the cars.
"So," Michelle had begun, "any plans after graduation?"
I had taken a bite of my burger and chewed it slowly.
"This burger is really overdone," I had said, then taking a sip of my drink.
"Brent," Michelle had said, "don't change the subject."
"What's the big deal?" I had answered her. "It's not for a while anyway."
Michelle had drummed her fingers on the table.
"It's important," she had insisted.
"Why?" I had asked her back.
"It just is," she had said, crossing her arms.
I had taken another bite of my burger. I had been so clueless back then.
"They really need to hire better cooks here," I had said, trying to wear down the tough meat.
"Brent," Michelle had said again impatiently, "I want to know what's going to happen to us."
"We'll be fine," I had said, taking another sip of my drink. "I'll become a pilot. I have to get away from my dad. I'll be a good pilot. Then I can do anything."
"What about me?" Michelle had questioned me.
"You can come, too" I had said.
Michelle had fidgeted with her hands.
"It's not that easy," she had said.
"Don't worry about it, babe," I had said, reaching across the table and holding her hand. "We'll work it out when we get to it."
But as it had happened, we really didn't. Or rather, I really didn't. Sometime later when I graduated, the night we had spent together was burned into my memory, but I didn't want to get relive that other memory now. It was too painful.
I took another drink and wondered if we could get ever make it work again. I looked around the bar, hoping to see Michelle appear as if by magic. It hurt to realize she wasn't here and I drank again to numb the pain.
The bartender was cleaning a glass and I got his attention.
"Can you get me a burger?" I said.
"Burger, sir?" he asked, stopping his cleaning. "I'm sorry, but I can't right now. The chef's asleep."
I looked at my watch. It was past midnight. I was losing track of time just thinking of her. I ran this place. I could get a burger if I wanted to. What was up with these delirious thoughts I was having? Man, I really had too much to drink. Michelle, look what you do to me, I thought.
I was about to take another drink when I felt a tap at my shoulder.
"What are you doing out here, Brent?"
I turned to see Marsha smiling.
"Marsha," I said, happy to see her. "I just finished the date with Michelle."
"And?" she asked, taking a seat beside me.
"It didn't go so great."
Marsha tapped my knee.
"It's been a while since you really found someone you were excited to see," she said. "Maybe you were just nervous."
"Maybe," I said. I appreciated Marsha's insight. She was really like a surrogate mother to me.
When I was first starting my business, no one had my back. I put in an ad in the newspaper looking for a jack of all trades who could serve as an assistant. Combing through those applications was a real headache. But I scheduled one interview, only it turned out to be a prospective Jill of all trades. Marsha was a single mother who had been passed on by a lot of the people she applied to work for. But I was impressed by her diligent research into the business I was planning, as well as her willingness to learn new skills. She was older than me by almost twenty years but she was everything you could ask for in an assistant.
"You can't hide it," Marsha said. "I've never seen you so excited to meet someone like you were for Michelle."
"It's true," I said, shaking my head. "Well, she's really special."
"You can't give up on her," Marsha said.
"That was never an option," I said.
"Brent, I've seen you spend time with other women, but I could tell in your heart there wasn't the spark you had in the first seconds you saw Michelle the other day. The heart doesn't lie."
I shook my head and grinned again. She really knew what was what.
"I'm just not sure how to make it work with her again," I said, rolling my fingers on the bar. "Maybe too much time has gone by for us to rekindle what we had."
"Love doesn't fade like that," Marsha said.
"Love," I said to myself, like I was contemplating a new word that surprised and delighted me with its meaning.
"Yup," said Marsha, "it's pretty clear."
"Damn," I said, turning to her. "I was that easy to read, huh?"
"There's no denying it," said Marsha. "This isn't business where you can put on a front for the moment."
Marsha was right. There was no script for this. Or if there were one, I would have to write it by myself. Because I had to make my back to Michelle the only way that I could do it. That's why she fell for me those many years ago. She was attracted to who I was, the real self that was still inside of me somewhere.
"She's still hurting," Marsha said. "It was long ago, but it still left its mark."
"But what can I do?" I said. I wondered all these years what I could do but it all came up short in my own mind. Like Michelle had slipped from my grasp for good, and was left to live in my reminiscences alone.
"You'll figure it out," Marsha said, with a smile. "You always do."
Marsha patted my shoulder and got off her bar stool.
"Good night, Brent," she said.
"Good night, Marsha."
It was such a blessing to have Marsha in the business. I don't mean that strictly from a business perspective. My mother had died when I was still in elementary school. And my father never cared for her, nor me. He destroyed her, as terrible as it sounds. That's why I was so desperate to get out of that so called home when I graduated, and become a pilot. I just wanted to soar away from all of that history, that pain, that toxic mindset that was preventing me from sprouting my wings. But my father was dead set against it. It was his way of controlling me, just like he did my mom. I had been tired of being controlled. I thought things were going to work out with Michelle in a magical sense, just by getting away from him. But she had more foresight in the moment, and I wish I had figured that out, too, back then.
But as much as I got along with Marsha, it wasn't the same as having my own romantic relationship with someone.
I'd bring someone to the hotel but it was like I was a robot. I wanted a woman, it wasn't something I could deny. But it was always in vain. And sometimes they'd be pretty vain, too. They would often just care for how rich I was, how successful my business was, how popular I was. None of that defined me. It was just stuff I had, rather than who I was.
I felt the drinks hitting my system hard. I had a really bright idea, I thought.
I stumbled inside the elevator and made it up to her floor, and found her room number.
I knocked three times on her door.
There was no response. So naturally, I knocked again.
"Michelle," I said, "it's me. Brent."
At first, there was a moment of silence, and then I heard Michelle's voice.
"Brent?" she called, her voice muffled by the door and the walls. "What are you doing?"
"I want to talk to you," I said, my body leaning against the door.
"No, Brent," Michelle said. "Not now."
"Michelle," I said, "I'm going to show you."
"Show me what?" Michelle asked.
I had actually forgotten what I meant to say for a moment. I shouldn't have had those drinks but damn Michelle put a number on me.
"Brent?" Michelle asked. "Show me what?"
"I'm going to show you... an amazing time," I said.
"Oh, just like how tonight was amazing?" she asked sarcastically.
"No," I said. "Better, much better. It'll blow your mind."
"OK, Brent," she said. "Go to sleep."
I heard her click off the lights and her shuffle back to her bed.
I turned around, feeling victorious. I actually had no idea what I was going to show her. But I needed to hear her voice. I wish I had seen her, too. I imagined her looking so innocent and effortlessly sexy in her pajamas, and I felt myself getting hard as I imagined holding the soft top and pulling it over her head, revealing her luscious breasts and the tip of my tongue just reaching her nipples.
I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight, I thought, with that image on my mind. But the fantasy wouldn't compare to seeing her again in person, and next time, I was going to make it a night she couldn't forget.