Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lyla
“Wow,” I said after I was sure Tessa was gone. “She doesn’t seem to like me very much.” Her words were nice, all the right ones strung politely together, but a chill emanated from her every time she looked my way. As soon as I’d finished my lunch, I’d wanted to flee the dining room, but waiting at least a few minutes after my last bite seemed like the polite thing to do. When she’d said she needed to run errands and excused herself, I’d let out a relieved breath.
Megan lowered the phone she’d been texting on. “Aunt Tessa’s not what you’d call a ‘people person.’ Now you see what I have to deal with every day. Only add a dramatic sigh as she mumbles, ‘I never wanted kids.’”
“Ouch.”
Megan shrugged as if she didn’t care, but I could see the pain carefully held under the surface—it was the same expression I occasionally saw on Beck.
“I’m sure people tell you that they’re sorry about your parents a lot, but I truly am sorry,” I said. “I can’t even imagine how hard it’d be to deal with.”
“It was really bad right after, but at least I had Beckett to talk to—or more like we’d distract each other from moping around. It sucked, but I thought maybe eventually we’d be okay. Then he was gone, too, and…” Megan dropped her gaze to her empty plate and shook her head.
I didn’t know what to say. Obviously she’d felt abandoned, and I even understood why she might lash out. If Beck decided to ignore me, I could only imagine what lengths I’d go to get his attention. “If it makes you feel any better, I can tell every time it’s you on the phone. His whole face lights up and his voice goes soft—he’d deny it, I’m sure, because he’d say he’s far too manly and tough for that, but trust me, it’s true.”
A smile broke through, taking the edge off the grief that’d been filling Megan’s features. “Well, I can tell when he’s with you, too—he does things like karaoke. Plus, he likes to keep his college life and his life here completely separate, and he still totally brought you here, which is, like, huge. He used to always tell me love was crap, and that I should be careful, because guys were big jerks who just wanted to use me—like, he’d stare down boys who tried to talk to me. Seriously, so embarrassing. But when you guys got here, I knew he’d changed his mind—it’s written across his face every time he looks at you. He’s crazy in love with you.”
“Oh, I don’t know if he’s quite there.” The words beckoned to me, though, tingly hope buzzing through my chest. Time for a reality check before my emotions got too carried away. “He still introduces me as his friend, after all. I think I’m in crazy-in-love land by myself.”
Immediately, I worried I’d said too much. What if it came back to bite me? Not to mention I probably should’ve told him I loved him before telling his sister—if I wasn’t scared it’d freak him out and send him running.
Megan waved off my comment. “I know my brother. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Last night and this morning, it had felt like everything had changed. What was going on between us was definitely more than sex. More than friendship.
“Thanks,” I said. “I needed to hear that.”
“Sure thing.” Megan pushed out from the table. “Want to see what’s on TV?”
Studying would be the responsible thing to do—I liked to be ahead instead of behind, and with my list—and Beck—taking up so much time, I was falling more on the behind side of the line. My history test hadn’t gone so well last week, and if I didn’t ace my next test in there and my lit class, I’d be screwed. Without my scholarship, I couldn’t afford next semester. But the teenage girl I’d expected to be totally uninterested in me wanted to hang out. After seeing how lonely she was, I couldn’t say no.
So I followed her to her room, where she had a cushy loveseat and a big-screen TV. We kicked back and she flipped through channels, watching about half the time and chatting the rest. The more we talked, the more I liked her. She was funny and could talk for several minutes straight without taking a breath, and I loved every second of it.
It did make me wonder if Beck should be closer to her, though. She needed someone who’d build her up when she was feeling down, set boundaries when she was feeling rebellious, and pay attention to her so she didn’t feel so alone. I just wished I knew a way for him to be close to his family, not feel so burdened by the company, and play hockey in Boston, where he’d also be with me. Was that really so much to ask?
…
Tessa had invited me to go with her and Megan to dinner, but I’d declined, wanting to be at the house when Beck got back. I’d texted him a couple of times, asking how it was going and if he was nearly done, but so far, no answer.
So I’d set up camp on the silky floral couch with gilded trim that kept catching my hair. I lifted my giant literature book higher, trying to focus on the paragraph I’d read three times without knowing what it said. My mind kept replaying talking to Megan and everything she’d said about Beck and how she could tell he’d changed his mind.
If he didn’t feel what I’m feeling, he never would’ve opened up to me the way he did yesterday, I’m sure of it.
If anything, yesterday was another reason to let him know how much I cared. Let him know he didn’t have to go through things alone anymore. My pulse raced faster and faster as I seriously considered telling him I loved him. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold it back. It was dying to burst out of me, to spread the warmth and happiness radiating through every inch of my body.
Just do it. Be bold.
That was the whole point of the bucket list, right? Stop holding back. Take risks. And how many times had I told Whitney to stop driving herself crazy and talk to Matt already? Still, it was a hell of a risk.
With a hell of an awesome payback if he felt the same way.
I’m going to do it. Nerves rolled through my stomach. I’m going to tell him I love him.
I heard the front door open and tossed my book onto the coffee table. I barely restrained myself from running.
Beck was turned, pulling the door closed behind him. A thrill shot through me at the sight of him.
“Hey! How’d it—” The tension filling every inch of his rigid posture and tight expression as he spun to face me stopped me cold. Dark circles showed under his eyes and his hair was messy, like he’d been repeatedly running his hands through it. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay.”
I moved to hug him, but he held out an arm, keeping me back. “Just…don’t.”
Hurt flooded my chest. “What’s going on?”
“My dad has another kid. He had an affair, too, just like my mom. Because that’s what my family does. And now I get to clean up the mess.”
“I’m so sorry. I—”
“I can’t be with you, Lyla. Not the way you want.”
Panic rose up, its steel fingers clutching my heart as I struggled to keep up with the change in topic. “Wait. How’d we go from talking about your parents to you and me?” I took a step toward him and put my hand on his arm. “We can deal with this. Together.”
Beck shook his head. “I’ll just let you down. You need to find someone else.”
No matter how much I tried to breathe in, I couldn’t get any oxygen to my lungs. “I don’t want anyone else.”
“You wanna wait until I cheat on you?” he asked, his words as sharp as ice picks.
Tears crawled up my throat and blurred my eyes. “That’s crap, and a total cop-out. You can control who you sleep with. When you love someone, you work at it. Don’t use your parents as an excuse to dump me.”
“In order to dump you, I’d have to be dating you. I told you from the beginning that all this could be was sex—I warned you.”
“You did.” My chin trembled, my voice along with it. “How silly of me to go and fall in love with you anyway.”
He stared at me, his blue eyes so cold and hard. Cracks formed in my heart, pain pushing in and pouring out at the same time.
“It’s not real, Ly. I pretended I could be a normal guy with a girlfriend, and you pretended to be the sexy party girl. But at the end of the day, we were both lying.”
My tears spilled over and ran down my cheeks. “That’s me.” I sniffed. “Pretend sexy, and in love with a guy who doesn’t feel the same way.” I strode toward the door, surprised my body still functioned despite the crushing agony obliterating my internal organs. Right before I stepped outside, I turned back and looked at my supposed best friend. “Thanks for the mind-blowing sex at least. So glad you took pity on the plain girl who couldn’t get off.”