Chase is practically dragging me behind him as he walks down the hall of the community center and I fight the impulse to dig my feet into the ground like a child. However, I’m not successful at keeping my mouth turned down into a pout. I’m irritated that my attempt to seduce Chase into staying home this morning failed, and on top of that, he hid the clothes I’d packed for today and instead pulled out a women’s pair of jeans, T-shirt, and Sketchers, throwing them at me and telling me to get my ass ready. I glared daggers at him, a fiery sensation, a need to punch something overwhelmed me.
He’d laughed and it only made me angrier, there was nothing funny about him having some random woman’s clothes in his house and even worse, expecting me to wear them.
“They are my sister’s, baby.”
Feeling foolish, I felt my cheeks turn pink. I bundled the clothes up in my arms and attempted to walk swiftly into the bathroom. He’d grabbed my arm, swinging me into his embrace and kissing me soundly, “Damn, you’re adorable when you’re jealous.”
I scoffed and came up with the brilliant comeback, “As if.” Go ahead, roll your eyes. Then, wishing the floor would open up and swallow me, I ran to take a shower. Not that I stayed alone in there for long. A smile plays at my lips, remembering the steam which had nothing to do with the hot water.
Chase continues to clutch my hand and leads me to the front of the room, seating me right next to the podium facing the circle of hodgepodge people. My spine straightens, and I bristle before I realize I’ve done it. I feel the calming sensation of a palm running down my hair and some of my tension leaks out.
Chase begins by asking what everyone has been up to this week, and I am surprised to find my ears perk up, curious what other people do with their lives.
The older man, Bill I think, raises a hand, his face lit up like the fourth of July. “Glenda and I are moving in together.” Glenda giggles and blushes. While seeing a woman in her sixties giggling is a bit weird, it’s also kind of cute.
“I brought treats to celebrate!” Glenda announces enthusiastically, walking over from the refreshment table with a dish of brownies. Everyone but Bill seems to turn a little green, but they all smile and make positive comments. I’ll be honest, it’s pretty funny. “We’ve certainly been practicing the horizontal tango enough, might as well make ourselves available to it twenty-four seven.” At that, Bill smacks her ass. Eeeeeeew, not so cute.
“That’s great, guys. It’s a big step but it’s a positive one. You’re committing to each other and to your relationship.” Something in Chase’s voice draws my attention from the happy couple. He’s staring at me. “It’s a sign that you are in the acceptance stage, ready to move forward with your life. Finding happiness with someone, just as your loved ones would want you to.”
I squirm in my seat, uncomfortable with his scrutiny and the words which somehow seem directed at me. I want to get defensive and yell “Baby steps, damn it!” Instead, I’m distracted when Nate speaks.
“It was a tough week for me. My girls are starting to have new experiences and are recognizing that their mom isn’t there to share them with. My oldest had her first date last night and afterward, she cried in my arms for hours. That should have been so special, but boys are something that a teenage girl wants to gush over to her mom.”
My throat gets a little tight and I ache for his daughters, seeing the crushing pain on his face, I wonder if maybe I was wrong and he feels as much hurt as I do. I glance at Belinda and remember that she has lost a child as well, and her husband as a repercussion. Bill lost his wife to sickness, he had to watch disease ravage her body until she passed. Glenda lost her parents and sister in a car accident, and being single her whole life, she has been left entirely alone.
I sneak a glance at Chase as he focuses on Nate, encouraging him to talk, and to find creative solutions. Who has he lost? He doesn’t talk about it and it has started to bother me. In fact, I know very little about his life over the last decade or so. The only glimpse I get is through his vague comments, and that repetitively painted wall. I’ve opened myself up to him, bared myself and become vulnerable, and though he has given me care and support, I want more. I want to see inside of his darkness too.
Laughter breaks out and I realize I’ve missed a part of the discussion with my wandering thoughts. “I don’t think killing my daughter’s boyfriend is a viable solution, no matter how tempting it might be,” Nate says, and the rest of the group chuckles. Suddenly, all eyes are on me.
“Tori?” Chase calls. I look up at him feeling like a deer in headlights. “How about you share an experience from your week.”
What the fuck is he doing? He can’t possibly want me to share what happened this weekend. I’m not going to admit to all these healing strangers that I had the motherlode of all breakdowns. He nods encouragingly and my eyes narrow at him, glaring. He wants me to share private experiences and emotions? Careful what you wish for, punk.
“Um, yes, I had a deep experience this weekend, then later again this week.” I look at Chase and he is watching me, his eyes twinkling with approval.
“I spent the weekend and a lot of this week being fucked by my—” I swallow hard, “boyfriend. It was definitely deep.”
The room is silent, everyone looking shell shocked. Maybe I went a little far with that. You think? Then the quiet is broken by a bark of laughter from Bill, and giggling from Glenda, until, slowly but surely, the rest of the room is rolling with amusement. Except Chase, he’s chuckling, but I can see the disappointment in his eyes and I suddenly feel like a student who misbehaved in class.
“I saw my family this weekend,” I blurt out.
I fight the urge to hide behind my hands; I can’t believe I just admitted that. My eyes connect with Chase again, his disappointment turned to admiration. It gives me the courage to continue.
“I haven’t spent much time with them since I lost my husband and daughter. It was really hard for me and I’m still not sure it was a positive experience, other than the hard fucking, of course.”
There is laughter again, but as I look around, I see a mix of sympathy and admiration on their face for having shared. It makes me feel lighter, as though a small burden has been lifted. The best part though, is the pink that has crept up on Chase’s face. Totally worth it.
We wrap up the meeting and I surprise myself when I end up chatting with a couple of people about my job and hobbies. It seems like talking to a…friend. Chase catches my eye from the door and lifts his chin toward the exit. I say goodbye and follow him out. Walking down the hall, I look for him but he seems to have disappeared. Then I’m yanked around the corner of the hallway I’m passing and slammed up against a muscular chest, my mouth covered and ravished.
When Chase finally tears his lips away from mine, I’m lost in a daze and almost stumble, but Chase catches me. He always catches me. A clatter draws our attention to the mouth of the hall, but we don’t see anything. Chase grasps my chin and turns it so that I meet his eyes, “I’m so damn proud of you, Tori.”
He kisses me fast and hard. “Although, I could have done without you telling the world how hard I fuck you.” A wicked grin slides across his face. “However, I feel the need to make sure that the next time you make an announcement like that, it’s more like, a spectacular fuck.”
He’s so damn sexy, but so cute at the same time. I lo—like this man so much. My laughter rings through the hall and Chase’s face lights up like he’s just won the lottery. He grabs my hand and I find myself being dragged down the hall again, not because I’m reluctant this time, but because my man is clearly eager to get started on my lesson.
My body is a limp, useless mass this morning. Last night, by the time Chase and I passed out, he’d definitely made his point. I’d been spectacularly fucked. Repeatedly. I also received a few spankings for being such a smart-ass in group.
The sun is streaming through the window and I gather just enough energy to flop onto my stomach and throw a pillow over my head. A warm hand comes to rest on my butt cheek and I shiver when I feel soft, wet kisses trailing down my spine.
“Chase, knock it off,” I grumble, trying to sound stern. I completely fail when I shiver again, and I hear his deep chuckle.
“Good morning, baby,” he mumbles in between kisses.
“Nothing good about morning.”
“Hmmmm, is that a challenge?”
“Seriously Chase,” I sigh, “I don’t have energy. You wore me the hell out.”
The pillow is whipped from my head, and I’m suddenly covered from head to toe in heat, hands sliding underneath me to cover my breasts. Kisses now being placed on the back of my neck, behind my ears, on my cheeks.
“Have I told you how much I love your tits, babe?” he whispers, punctuated with a strong squeeze. A moan slips out and I wiggle as tingles spread from where his hands touch down to my now drenched pussy. His cock is hard, long and thick, nestled against the crack of my ass. One hand glides down until he’s cupping me, one finger pressing into my wetness. “Or how much I love this delicious pussy, and how wet it always is for me.”
Damn his dirty mouth! I’m so turned on I can barely think straight. One long finger enters me, then up to circle my clit and back inside.
“Chase,” I whimper.
“Do you want me inside you, Tori?” he growls, plunging his finger in and out. I’m moaning in earnest now, desperate, my ass pressing back into his erection. “I think someone found some energy.” His lips move against my skin and I just know the bastard is smirking.
The warmth of his body is abruptly gone, as well as the finger that was working me into a frenzy. I want to cry at the loss, until his hands grip my hips, roughly lifting my ass in the air. When he drives deep into my pussy, I cry out, mingling with his shout of pleasure.
He doesn’t waste any time. He starts thrusting roughly, our skin slapping each time it connects. “Shit, you’re amazing, woman.”
He pounds into me, getting faster and more powerful, until I have to put my hands against the headboard so I don’t hit my head. The bed is shoved up against the wall with every drive of his hips, the bed squeaking in protest.
“Chase!” I cry. “Now, Chase.”
I’m desperate, my orgasm so close.
He slows enough so that he can clasp onto my chin, and bring my mouth around for a deep kiss. “You want to come, baby?”
I answer by shoving my hips back on his next thrust, causing him to go so deep, he bruises me from within. “Yes, please!”
He returns to his punishing rhythm, reaching down with one hand to pinch my clit, and I fly off into oblivion, above the clouds, the sun, into heaven. Chase follows me over the edge with a roar, before collapsing on top of me. I can’t really breathe and I sincerely don’t give a shit. It feels too good, and I think he killed me anyway. After a minute, he rolls off of me, and I take a deep breath.
He sits up, still panting, and shakes his head as though to clear away the fog. Then he turns to me, his eyes glowing with emotion.
“Tori, you’re better than morning coffee. I’m addicted now. You’ll just have to move in so I can get my fix every morning.”
I stop breathing again. He winks at me and swings his feet to the floor, standing and stretching. I’m almost distracted from his words by the sight of all that golden skin and the sinewy muscles moving under it, and that unbelievably fine ass.
He walks around the bed and smacks my ass. “Time to get up. We’ve got somewhere to be.”
Then he strides to the bathroom and I hear the shower start. He was so casual about it; I’m trying to figure out if Chase just asked me to move in with him, or if he was joking. He was joking, he wouldn’t—just joking. I tell myself this as I make the bed, I tell myself this when I join him in the shower, I tell myself as I get dressed, and I tell myself this as we leave the apartment.
I’m finally distracted from obsessing over his casual comment when I see where we are going. He pulls his Challenger into the garage under The Museum of Science and Industry. A frown creases my face, annoyance bubbling up. I don’t like places like this. They are full of children, laughing, running around, and having a good time. Like I used to do with my dad. Like my daughter will never do with me. This museum is for families.
Chase parks and turns to me, wary. “Just hear me out, babe,” he pleads.
I cross my arms over my chest and glower at him, but don’t say anything, giving him a chance to explain.
“I think you had a really great breakthrough last weekend, and then in group yesterday. I’ve been so proud of you. You’ve been incredibly brave.”
I fight the urge to soften and preen at his words.
“I don’t want to push you too hard, but I really think you’re ready. I want to move forward, you and me. And to do that, we both have to take our bulls by the horns and prove that we can ride it for eight seconds.” I raise my eyebrow at his analogy. Really, city boy? My lips twitch. Stop it! You’re mad.
He grins, as if he knows I’m fighting a smile. Damn him and his ability to see everything about me. “We both need this. I’ve avoided this place too. So let’s face our fears together. We’ll make new, cheerful, fun memories. Together. Babe, I don’t think either of us has taken the chance to be a kid again. Let’s see if we can recapture that magic.”
I mull over his words for a second. I’ve been tipping over the wall into happy ever since I met Chase. Can I do it? Can I open myself up again completely? Be happy without guilt? I decide I want to try, so I shore up my courage and jerk my head up and down. Chase’s smile is brilliant, spreading something sweet through me. He bounds out of the car and lopes over to my side. Opening my door, he reaches a hand out to me, and I hesitate, feeling that this moment is now or never. I’m making the choice whether to move forward. Deep breaths, girl.
The next thing I know, my hand is tightly clasped in Chase’s. He lifts me from the car, straight into his arms, kissing me deeply, and I melt. When it’s over, he tucks me into his side, shuts the door and locks it. We decide to skip the garage entrance and make our way to the front for the full experience.
The front of the massive stone building peaks at the top, with multiple columns, sporting bright colored banners. We walk up the steps and each one seems to build another layer of anxiety. I’m surprised when I feel the same stiffness in Chase.
Through the massive glass doors is a tall, marble lobby with an escalator right in front of us. This is it. Deep breaths. Our hands clasped tightly, our fingers entwined, giving strength and support to each other. The escalator rises smoothly and I can already hear the sounds of children echoing in the large, open spaces. We take the second escalator from the lower level to the main level. I let Chase guide me, and he strolls immediately to the right into a section about crime labs. It seems a safe decision; something we can get immersed in, easing us into the day.
From there, we retrace our steps and go to the big display in the center of the room, the world’s largest pinball machine. We watch with fascination as the silver ball travels through the various tunnels, and Chase makes me laugh with his silly commentary. A few teenagers stand close enough to hear Chase and they end up joining in the fun until we are all laughing with tears leaking from our eyes. We hit the coal mine that goes down, deep below the museum, the transportation section so that Chase can drool over the cars. Every exhibit we explore leaves a little of the darkness behind. We walk through a World War II submarine, see a brilliant show at the planetarium, and more. From time to time, I see a child glowing with joy, and I feel the infectiousness of their smiles.
The day flies by in a flurry, until I feel so free, I don’t even think about helping up the little boy who trips in front of me. I kneel down and wipe away his tears, kissing his forehead and helping him find his mom. When we pass him off to her, I feel Chase take my hand again, then he tucks me back into his side. When I look up, he’s smiling down at me, his eyes shining with adoration and—and… Deep breaths.
It’s early evening and we’ve visited almost every exhibit, so I suggest that we pick up some Chinese and snuggle up in front of a movie. I’m still absorbed in my surroundings when I am stopped abruptly by my hand being held tight from behind me, preventing me from continuing forward. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning around. I know what he’s going to say, what he wants me to do. I was so hoping he would forget.
I turn around, a fake smile plastered on my face. “What’s up? You don’t want Chinese?”
“We missed one.” Chase’s voice is soft, but I hear the undercurrent of steel.
“Really?” I respond, nonchalantly.
“Come on.” He tugs gently. “Let’s go see the fairy castle.”
“I’m not really into fairies, Chase.” I force a chuckle. “I don’t need to see it.”
Chase doesn’t respond, he just turns and walks in the opposite direction, his grip on my hand forcing me to follow. We approach the dark room and enter, where I see the most beautiful doll house in the world. The dim lighting enhances the spotlight on the display so the castle is the clear focal point. It’s surrounded by a walkway with intermittent phones to pick up and listen to explanations about each room. It’s incredible. But, that’s not what makes it hard to breathe. The walkway is filled with mothers and daughters, each enchanted by the beauty in front of them, sharing the magic together, and seeing every little girl’s dream. To be a fairy princess.
I stand in the opening, frozen, until I’m bumped from behind by a young woman moving around me to enter, with a lovely, dark-haired little girl in her arms. I begin to back away, but Chase won’t let me run away. He glances into the room and I see anguish twist his features, but when he looks back at me, he’s schooled his face and the only emotions I see are empathy, and determination. “You can do this, Tori. Take her with you. Show her the castle together.”
Deep Breaths. I step over the threshold onto the plush navy blue carpet, the castle sparkling in the overhead lighting. A feeling of happiness washes over me, a sense of contentment, and of excitement. I imagine Sarah, see her in a little pink outfit, with a tiara on her reddish curls, looking at the castle with awe. I lift the first phone and listen, imagining how it would feel to be sharing that little phone with her, listening to her giggle. And once again, I feel joy wash over me.
We move through the room, stopping at each phone, and every step toward the end becomes easier. My feet become lighter, rather than trudging along. When we reach the exit, I sigh and feel the last of my unease and fear trickle out. I look back and feel as though I just spent the last hour with my baby girl, content in sharing something so special with her.
In my peripheral, I see Chase leaning heavily on the wall behind him, looking at the women and girls behind him with pain in his eyes. He must notice my gaze, because his eyes meet mine and he lets me see the unguarded pain. I walk to him and envelope him in my arms. It’s time to carry him.
“Chase, open up to me, please?” I beg.
He shuts his eyes tight and I fear that he’ll retreat behind his secrets again.
“She’ll never have this. A mother-daughter experience like this. I took that away.”
I don’t have time to revel in the fact that he’s finally letting me see inside, but latch onto his last statement.
“Oh, Chase. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know it wasn’t your fault. There is so much good in you, so much love. I believe with every fiber of my being that whatever it was, you did everything you could to avoid what happened, and it couldn’t have been your fault. You are always telling me to let go of the guilt. Honey, you’ve got to take some of your own medicine.”
I hug him close, his forehead falls forward to rest on my shoulder, and I smooth my palm down his hair. I feel a tiny shudder wrack through him, and turn my head so my lips graze his ear.
His arms encircle my waist, locking in place as he lifts his head, his mouth at my ear. “Damn, I love you. You’re everything to me, Tori.” Then he buries his face in my neck.
Every single bit of fear I’ve felt for the last ten years comes crashing down on me and the voice telling me to take deep breaths is suffocated along with the rest of me.