Ten years is a long time to mourn, and breaking that cycle isn’t easy. Learning to open yourself back up, to allow yourself to dream, to become someone you thought you’d lost forever. But here I am, a mixture of the young woman I was, and the woman I’ve become. The one I want to be.
From my side of the bed, I watch Chase walk out of the bathroom, his pajama pants hanging low on his hips, his sculpted chest on display with the beautiful tattoo. His glasses are perched on his face, and his messy hair is flopping adorably over his forehead. When he sees me staring, he gives me that smile, the one that lights up his entire being. The one that is just for me. It never fails to set my heart racing, my skin tingling, and make my panties oh-so-wet. I’ll never get enough of him.
I have a surprise for him tonight and I’m full of nervous energy. We’ve been married for a year and my patient husband has never once pushed me to discuss having children. I know he wants them desperately, but the night before our wedding, he cuddled me close and told me that he wanted me more than anything and it was my decision. If I hadn’t already been completely in love with him, at that moment I wouldn’t have fallen, I would have jumped off of that cliff.
I never stop thinking about Sarah, and about the plans I’d had to give her several more brothers and sisters. After she was gone, I never considered it again. But then, I never considered love again, and look what I would have missed out on if Chase hadn’t been strong enough to break down my walls. So, this time it’s my turn to give something to him in return, something I’ve realized I want too. A part of me is scared out of my mind, and I’ll always have a small ache for my Sarah. But I know I’ve got enough love to override the fear. And I’m ready.
Chase winks at me as he slides onto the bed next to me, then sneaks his arm around my waist and hauls me into his side. He grins down at me, a twinkle in those chocolate eyes I love so much. “You seem restless tonight, Tori. I’ve got the perfect suggestion for how to put it to good use.” His other hand glides the spaghetti strap to my pink tank top down my shoulder. Replacing it with his lips.
I turn to face him fully and grasp his chin so we are face to face. Chase’s eyes darken with concern, his forehead puckering with worry. “Is everything okay, babe?”
I smile and smooth out the worry lines with my thumb. “Hopefully, you’ll think that everything is perfect.” I kiss him gently, because I don’t know how to launch into the discussion. This always seems easier in the hypothetical, but if you believe that it will actually be that simple, you’re a fucking idiot. The thing is, I’m a fucking idiot. So, now I sit here, at a loss for words. “Um, I wanted to tell you—I think I’m,” I stutter. Okay, enough of this bullshit, spit it out. “I want to get pregnant,” I blurt out.
Chase’s eyes widen and he stares at me silently. I’m not worried. I know he wants this, so I wait while he processes. It doesn’t take long, the next thing I know, I’m on my back, covered with the body of my unbelievably sexy husband. Since he’s kissing me like there is no fucking tomorrow, I’d say it’s a safe assumption that he’s on board with the suggestion.
He still doesn’t say anything, probably because his mind is too focused on getting me naked. Before I’m completely lost to what will clearly be an epic fucking, I ask, “I take it you’re good with this decision?”
Chase growls, licking the nipples he exposed when he practically ripped off my pajama top. I arch beneath him, but try to stay lucid for another minute. “Chase?”
“Baby, I’m so fucking happy. I can’t find the words, so let me show you.” He kisses me, a deep, wet, all consuming kiss, “Also…” He smirks. “We need to practice. Lots and lots of practice.”
I tilt my head to the side, giving him better access to my neck, and moan when he lightly bites on the corded muscle there, while grinding his rock hard cock into my pussy. “Honey,” I pant, “we don’t need to practice. I stopped taking the pill a month ago.”
He pulls back and looks at me softly. “Baby, I love you so fucking much. Even if we never had kids. But this is the greatest present you will ever give me besides your love.”
Tears prick my eyes and I blink rapidly to clear them away. “I love you too.”
Chase is clearly on a fucking mission (pun intended). We are both naked in record time, our skin burning where it touches, threatening to burst into flames. His fingers run up my slit and he groans, his face buried in the valley between my breasts. “Always so wet for me. I can’t wait, baby.”
I grab his ass hard, letting him know I want it too and he thrusts inside, deep and hard. I cry out and lock my legs around his waist. He sets a punishing pace, but it’s beautiful, our bodies being lifted together, building toward the perfection we find in each other’s arms. I’m almost to the edge of the precipice when he whispers in my ear, “I love you, for fucking ever.” And together, we leap into the stars.
The wind blows gently through the trees all around, rustling the branches, and several multicolored leaves drift to the ground. I snuggle the little bundle I’m holding closer to my chest as I walk to the headstones I have visited so many times before.
Chase takes my hand and I beam up at him. When we reach their graves, we stop and with Chase’s help, I lower down into my usual spot, then he sits down beside me. “Sarah, meet Benjamin, your baby brother.” I imagine the fascination on her face as she looks down at the little baby in my arms. I can see the way she would be enamored with him, loving him the way big sisters do. “Little brothers need their big sisters to protect them until they can take care of themselves. Even then, he’ll always need you. So, I want you to look after him, watch over him, and be his guardian angel.”
Chase puts his arm around us and hugs us close. For the first time, in all the years I’ve visited, all of the talks I’ve had, and questions I’ve asked, I feel an answer. I know Sarah will be there for Benjamin. I can feel her delight in being a big sister.
We sit there for a little while longer, then after murmured goodbyes, we walk to the car. When our son is buckled in, Chase holds my door before trotting around the front and getting into the driver’s seat. He takes my hand and places a sweet kiss on the back. Then we head home.
Once Benjamin is down for the night, Chase and I snuggle close in bed. He uses a finger to lift my chin and smiles at me. “Thank you.”
I return his smile, asking, “For what?”
“For everything.”
My heart squeezes, the love almost uncontainable. A sweet ache.
Pain. This is real.