The world shifts under my feet.
A silver truck behind the SUV, the sound of screeching breaks pierces the air as the truck spins and the next time I blink, there are three vehicles twisted together in the center of the thoroughfare.
There is ringing in my ears, a sound so loud that my head is splitting open from the pain.
A figure lays unmoving on the ground three feet away from the wreck. The large frame of a man, wrapped around a tiny lump of sunshine yellow fabric.
The sound grows louder, my throat feels as though it is being ripped to shreds, and I realize that the sound is screaming.
It’s me, screaming.
My bare knees hit the ground hard and I barely register the sharp pain of glass digging into the flesh. The only thing I feel is numbness. There is blood, it’s all over the ground, all over them. Someone pulls on my arms and I think they tell me not to move them, but how can I stay away. My heart is on the ground in front of me, and I need to know that it is still beating.
“Oh, God. Oh, God.” I’m pleading, pleading for this to not be real. I feel arms trying to surround me but I fight them off with all of my strength. “No, this can’t be happening, God, please don’t let this be real.”
“Tori! Baby, please don’t do this, please. I can’t lose you.”
Chase’s anguished voice floats around me, but I’m so lost in the pain, the sobs heaving from deep in my soul. How could the universe be so fucking twisted?
I fell in love with the man who killed my family.
There is an ugliness that is surfacing, feelings so black that they frighten me. “You—you can’t be the one who hurt me. Y—you healed me. Now you’ve destroyed me, again!” I’m screaming at him, my world once again falling to pieces around me. Only this time, I know I’ll never recover, because Chase is the love of my life. I was tied to Ben by my heart, but I’m tied to Chase with my whole fucking soul.
“Baby, I don’t understand.”
My shoulders are jerking, Chase shaking me frantically. I look at him through the tears falling from my eyes, and I see desperate, panicked fear on his face. “What do you mean again?” He’s yelling now, his voice coated in fear and despair. Good. Let him feel the pain he has caused me.
“You killed my family!” I scream, thrashing out at him with my fist, nails, anything that will get him away from me.
Chase scrambles back in a crab walk, and falls to the ground. His face goes ashen, all the color draining from him, just like the color drained from Ben and Sarah. I attempt to get up off of the ground and end up on my hands and knees, panting hard, trying regain my breath. But, I’m crying so hard I can’t get a decent amount into my lungs. The pain is excruciating. There is no molecule on my body that isn’t burning with anger, with pain, with the utter fucking disaster that is this world.
It’s not just Chase, it’s the realization that that my life is meant to be filled with nothing, or with pain. There is no option number three. When it came to passing out happiness, apparently my bucket was already too full of misery. Only this time, this time I opened myself up so much that I don’t know how to close the wounds again. There is a searing fire that is down deep in the depths of me, breaking me beyond recognition.
I’m finally able to regain my feet and I grab the flowers that Chase brought from where he’d dropped them before following me to the ground. Daffodils. How did I not put it together? Every week, I lay the purple flowers next to bouquets of yellow daffodils. I crush them in my hand.
“Tori, I tried—you disappeared. I wanted to—”
“Stop!” The tears are drying up, and the ice is working its way through my body. Slowly, I become like stone, the woman who everyone sees, the viper, Ice Queen, bitch, take your pick. “I went back to my maiden name,” I say matter of fact. “I left it all behind. Then you came along and forced me to face it all, to relive the pain, share it, fucking fall in love again! Only to have it be the final straw in the sick joke that is my life. I’m done.”
“Are you happy now?” I’m screaming at the sky now, asking anyone, whomever, whatever is out there, “I’m fucking done! You can’t hurt me anymore, because I have nothing left to lose.”
“Tori, I love you. We can work this out. Please,” Chase begs. “You promised you’d never leave me.”
I toss the ruined flowers at his feet. “And you promised you’d never hurt me.”
The weather in the city of Chicago is an ever-changing beast, it could be the middle of July and when the sun dips below the horizon it can be cold. Just like it is now, on a May night, when I’m shivering from the wind whipping through my bones as I walk along the lake front. I revel in it though, the cold seeping in, freezing me, strengthening the ice inside.
I’m numb, just the way I want to be.
I ran from Chase in the cemetery. Ran all the way out of the expansive greens and to a gas station down the road. I called Stacey and she was able to come pick me up. As I lowered myself into the seat of her car, I noticed the Challenger that was sitting in the parking lot, idling. Chase’s devastated face tugged at my heartstrings, but I tightened the pegs so they were strung so taut, they have no give.
Inside the car, Stacey didn’t even try to hide her curiosity and kept glancing between me and the black car with wide eyes. “Thanks for coming, Stacey,” I bit out. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” With one last worried glance, she nodded and started the car.
I’d had her drop me at my building, but I couldn’t bring myself to go up. So, I wandered down to the waterfront, though I’m not sure what the fuck I thought I’d find here. The dark expanse of water is cold and uninviting, the park is empty of pedestrians, with the exception of a few teenagers drinking and getting high. I traipse back to my apartment and try to forget what it was like when Chase had me pressed up against the wall. As I enter my home, I try to forget how it felt like to cuddle on my couch with Chase, to eat Chinese food on a blanket on the floor.
I move into the hallway and stare at the door to my bedroom. It feels like there is invisible caution tape over the door, WARNING: Memories that will shatter you lie ahead. I don’t know how long I stand there, but eventually I make my way into the kitchen, a room that was rarely used until Chase started spending time at my apartment. I need a place where he isn’t surrounding me! I open a cabinet and grab a bottle of whatever, and make a beeline for my guest room. Plopping down on the floor, my back against the bed, I check the label. Vodka, perfect.
Hours later, I pour the last shot and toss it down. My cell phone sits on the ground in front of me and I continually watch it light up. Chase, Stacey, Chase, Chase, Stacey, Chase…. It’s getting harder for my finger to connect with the reject button, but I squint and try to meet the two despite the way they both wobble about. A giggle slips out and I think maybe I’m really, really drunk. I like this feeling, it’s so much better than the alternative.