Six weeks passed in a blur of school, drawing, laughing and flirting. The days and weeks passed so fast that I could barely keep up; somehow, Ashton made every day seem better than the last. He was always sweet and kind and considerate, always had something to talk about, or some way to make me laugh. He would kiss me occasionally, making me yearn for him so badly at times that I swore it would kill me soon. Every time it would be him that broke off the kiss first and not the other way around. Another thing that had changed in the last six weeks: I no longer slept alone. I gave up fighting the fact that I liked his hugs way too much, and in the end just suggested that we forgo the sofa bed in favour of sharing. So far it had worked out perfectly and I revelled waking each morning being wrapped up tightly in his arms.
Of course, Ashton was doing his job perfectly. I no longer had problems with guys hitting on me because he was the perfect, little, possessive boyfriend when someone got too close to me. Our ‘relationship’ was blossoming too. Every Friday we would go out for date night, going to different places like the movies, dinners or walks in the park. It was lovely. Another thing that was in our routine now was the shooting range and with each passing session it seemed to affect me less and less. I still hadn’t gotten a better shot though, much to his amusement.
We were hanging out with our group of friends a lot too. Usually every Saturday, we would go to a bar or a party or something. Rosie was my favourite; she was adorable and funny and our personalities seemed to click instantly. I was even getting more comfortable with the guys of the group too, so much so that when Tim put his hand on my shoulder whilst laughing one night, I didn’t even freak out and want to break it. I owed everything to Ashton, if he wasn’t here I would still be an aggressive, quivering wreck.
I thought of Jack less often – which did make me feel guilty. Sometimes it seemed like the guilt would crush me. Whenever I was feeling down though, Ashton would always cheer me up with a joke or a hug, or a little gift. He was terribly romantic at times, downloading songs he thought I would like, or writing me little messages in the mirror so I would see them when I had a shower. He’d honestly make the perfect boyfriend for someone one day.
Today I was repaying him a little for his kindness that he’d shown me over the last few weeks. It was his birthday in a couple of weeks, and although I’d already arranged most of his gift by phone, I still had a little bit of shopping to do for it. The only problem was how I was getting away from him so I could surprise him. Of course, I’d debated sneaking out when he was in the shower, but I had a strong feeling he would freak out and worry himself to death about me. So instead I’d opted for a little white lie that Dean and Peter were helping me with.
“Hey, Pretty Boy, I’m going out with Dean today,” I said casually as I made my way up the hallway on Sunday afternoon. I’d left it until now to spring it on him; otherwise he would use the advance warning to come up with some way to ensure he came with me. He was obsessive about not leaving my side even for a minute.
“What? Why? Where?” he asked, walking up behind me and taking my hand, stopping my escape.
“I have an appointment,” I lied, shrugging and looking longingly at the door.
He frowned; his body tensing. “Your legs don’t look that hairy to me,” he joked, looking me over in my cropped jeans.
I laughed weakly. “Well, maybe I’m not having my legs done.” I smirked at him, tapping his nose with my finger.
He groaned, turning to grab his car keys. “I’ll come with you.”
I shook my head sternly. “No way! You’ll look like an obsessive stalker boyfriend that can’t let his girl go to get waxed without him being there! You said I could have some privacy for this,” I whined, pouting. I’d become pretty adept at getting what I wanted from him. He didn’t seem to be able to tell me no very easily, unless it was something about my safety and then he would refuse point blank and not budge an inch.
“Well, you can’t go with one guard so…” he trailed off, shrugging as if it was decided.
I rolled my eyes. “Peter’s coming too.” I pushed him away from the door gently and took the keys from his hand, tossing them back onto the side. “I’ll see you later.” I grinned, knowing I’d won. As I turned to make my exit, his hand closed over my arm, holding me in place as he put his cell phone to his ear.
“Hey, Dean, are you taking Anna for her appointment? Yeah, Peter’s going too though, right? Okay, well I should have been told. I don’t know why I wasn’t informed earlier. Look, just stay with her. I want you inside the store. No, inside! Peter can be outside. Right, I know. Yeah fine. Call me when you leave there,” he growled into the phone sounding a little grouchy and extremely authoritative. There was no doubt that Ashton was in charge out of the three of them; even though he was only twenty-one, the other two really respected him. He disconnected the call and looked at me sternly. “Anna, you do not leave Dean’s side. You do as you’re told, and you call me and let me know you’re okay when you get there and as you’re leaving,” he ordered, his face stern and warning.
I giggled. I love the sexy SWAT agent mode he switched into sometimes. “Yes, sir,” I purred, pursing my lips. I could see the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“I’m serious, Anna,” he stated, looking me straight in the eyes.
I sighed. “I know you’re serious. You only call me Anna when you’re serious. I promise I will stay with Dean at all times, and I’ll call you when I get there,” I reassured him, smiling.
He frowned, still looking annoyed. “And when you leave,” he added.
I nodded, grinning. “And when I leave,” I agreed. “If you’re really worried, you could always call me.” I stepped forward and kissed his cheek softly.
When he hugged me I could feel how tense he was all over, his muscles all bunched up and tight. “Be safe, please?” he begged.
“I will,” I promised. “Make sure you do something fun while I’m not here. Sleep with some girls, walk around naked, call Nate, I don’t know,” I suggested, waving my hand in an example of the various things he could do while he was free.
“Sleep with some girls? You know you’re the only girl I sleep with.”
“Sorry, bad choice of words. Go get laid, Ashton, and chill out,” I replied grinning.
“Maybe I will, what will you say then?” he teased.
My heart suddenly stopped, and I got so jealous that I could feel the anger bubbling up inside me, bursting to come out. Holy crap, he’s not yours, Anna! The man has needs, stop being an idiot; you don’t want to be with him. However, my mental scolding didn’t stop the jealousy from brewing inside me.
“I would say, use protection and don’t make my bed smell like sex,” I lied, frowning, trying to sound blasé about it.
He sighed deeply and frowned; I got the distinct impression that wasn’t the answer he wanted. “Right. Well, be safe,” he muttered, pulling open the front door.
I frowned angrily at myself. What the heck was wrong with me? Why was I so jealous? I wanted to wait outside the apartment, stalker-style, and wait to see if a girl showed up and if she did, I wanted to rip her head off. I took a few calming breaths and forced myself to stop being possessive over a man that wasn’t actually mine. As I walked out of the apartment, I could see Ashton in quiet talks with Dean and Peter. They both looked appropriately abashed so I would imagine they were being berated for not telling him we were planning on going out for a while.
Without waiting for them, I pressed the call button on the elevator and stepped in when it opened. “You two coming or am I going on my own?” I called teasingly as my finger hovered over the close doors button. Ashton’s hand slammed against the door frame, holding it open as he raised one eyebrow in silent warning and then ushered my two far guards in with me.
As the door closed, I winced in Dean’s direction because he was the one that seemed to have taken the brunt of Ashton’s annoyance. “Sorry. Thanks for doing this guys, I know he’s gonna be calling and being a general pain in the butt until we get back.” I smiled apologetically at the pair of them.
He shook his head and smiled back. “Don’t worry about it, Annabelle, he’s harmless. Well, as long as we bring you home in one piece,” he joked as the elevator lurched down towards the parking lot floor.
An hour and a half later, I had everything that I wanted. “Do you guys mind keeping all of this stuff at yours?” I asked as we pulled up at our apartment.
Dean shrugged. “Yeah, no probs,” he agreed, picking up the numerous bags containing my shopping. “Come on; let’s get you back with Ashton before he has kittens. He’s already called me eight times,” he suggested, grinning.
As soon as I walked through the door of our apartment, Ashton grabbed me into a huge hug; I laughed and hugged him back as he lifted me off my feet so he didn’t have to bend. My legs seemed to act of their own accord as they wound around his waist, clamping myself to him tightly. He carried me into the lounge and sat on the sofa with me still wrapped around him, not wanting to let him go. It was weird being without him actually; I’d missed him so much more than I thought I would. I was certainly used to being around him all day everyday.
“Does our bed smell like sex?” I mumbled into the crook of his neck.
“No. I did her up against the wall,” he answered. I laughed, but part of me was crying out for reassurance. I pulled back to look at him and he put his hands either side of my face, looking me right in the eyes. He looked stressed; his hair was extra messy where he’d probably been running his hands through it a lot. “I missed you,” he whispered. I could see by his fierce expression that he meant it, and it made my heart throb.
“I missed you too,” I admitted. He smiled and pulled my face to his, planting a soft kiss on my lips for a few seconds before pulling me into another hug.
I sighed contentedly against his skin of his neck as I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, wanting nothing more than to press my mouth against his again. His kisses sparked this needy reaction in me every time. “So, what did you do with yourself?” I asked, making no moves to get off his lap.
“Not much. I watched a bit of TV, then worried about you. Went on the internet, then worried about you again. Spoke to Nate, and oh yeah, I worried about you some more.”
I smiled and pulled back to look at him. “You are such an overprotective guy. Seriously, what are you going to do with yourself in six months when you don’t have me to worry about anymore?” I asked, genuinely curious as to what he would do with his spare time.
“I’ll still be worrying about you, trust me,” he answered, stroking my face.
At that moment, my stomach growled loudly. “Wow, embarrassing. Shall we order a pizza? Or maybe Chinese?” I asked, not wanting to cook.
“Yeah okay, I’d probably prefer Chinese,” he agreed.
A little while later the food arrived; I’d already changed into my lounge clothes of tank top and sweats. We ate sitting on the sofa, watching TV, joking around and flicking rice at each other. I hadn’t mentioned his birthday and neither had he. He’d probably forgotten that I even knew the date. Based on what he’d said before about not celebrating Christmas or birthdays, I had the distinct impression that he wasn’t expecting anything for his birthday from anyone.
When we’d finished eating, he settled onto the sofa and found an old horror movie for us to watch while I took the empty plates back to the kitchen. “Come lie with me,” he suggested, holding his arms open for me as I walked back into the room. I went to him immediately. My body just seemed to respond to his every request; it was like I didn’t really have a choice. Smiling to myself, I lay down next to him on the sofa. His arms wound around me tightly, holding me against his chest so that his whole body pressed against mine from behind.
“I really missed you this afternoon,” he whispered.
His words hit me harder than I ever expected them to. “I missed you too, Pretty Boy,” I replied, snuggling into his embrace.
About half way through the movie I lost interest in it, all because Ashton was trailing his fingers along my upper arm. I didn’t think he was even aware he was doing it, but my whole body was almost vibrating with excitement. I couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the smooth silkiness of his fingertips against my skin. I moved my hand back and rested it on his thigh. Scooting backwards, I tried to get impossibly closer to him. Because of the position we were in, I could feel that he was starting to get a little excited downstairs. I gulped at the feel of it as my body seemed to come alive. The desire that I felt for Ashton frightened me, but when it hit me it was almost as if I had no control over myself.
Holding my breath, I rolled over to face him. He smiled that little smile that seemed to make my stomach flutter and my body ache. Needing to be closer, I bent my head and pressed my lips against his. As soon as the kiss started, something inside me snapped, and all my restraint seemed to fly out of the window. He made no moves to do anything else other than kiss me back, the same as always, but I needed him tonight, I couldn’t take it anymore.
Seemingly of its own accord, my hand slid down his chest. A little shiver of anticipation overcame me as my hand got to the waistband of his jeans. When I pushed one finger inside, following the outline of it across his skin, he broke the kiss and pulled back, his eyes wide and wary.
I gulped, meeting his bewildered eyes as the temperature in the room seemed to increase by ten degrees – or maybe that was just my body. I nodded in encouragement and bent forward, pressing my lips against his again. As soon as it started, I knew the kiss was different. It wasn’t just the usual soft, chaste kisses that he gave me occasionally when we were at school or sometimes at home when he seemed to forget himself, no, this one was full of fire and passion. The small moan that he made in the back of his throat made my body go into some sort of frenzy.
When the kiss deepened, he moved so that he was half hovering above me, but he still didn’t make any moves to take things further. Knowing I needed to spell it out for him, I slid my other hand down his chest too and got to work on his belt buckle, pulling it open before starting on the buttons.
He grunted and pulled back slightly, his eyes wide and shocked. “Anna… what?”
I smiled and bit my lip; the need for something else was making me ache. I wriggled under him. “It’s okay,” I whispered, reaching up and gripping the back of his head, guiding his mouth back to mine again.
Obviously taking the hint, he kissed me back desperately as his hands finally seemed to catch on to what I wanted. I whimpered under him, closing my eyes as his hands traced my body slowly, slipping under my top and finding their way to my breasts.
I couldn’t keep still as he kissed down my neck, biting my overheated skin gently. As I finally got the last button on his jeans undone, he groaned, pressing against my hand. My mouth watered as I felt the hardness of him through the material of his boxers. Thoughts of the one time I’d been with him bombarded my brain as I longed to get closer, to be consumed by him, to have him possess me completely.
My fingers traced the outline of his erection as his hot mouth wandered my body before latching onto my nipple through my bra. I gasped, arching my back, loving the feel of it. My shyness and overthinking mind was long gone now, only to be replaced by a needy, desperate being that needed this to happen more than anything in the world. I pushed my hand inside his boxers, closing my fingers around his shaft. His whole body seemed to stiffen as he groaned. With my free hand, I gripped the back of his hair and pulled his mouth up to meet mine again.
As I got to work, stroking him softly, his hand seemed to be hovering at the waistband of my sweatpants as if undecided if he should do it or not. I squeezed my eyes shut, lifting my hips in silent invitation.
Just as I thought his hesitance would drive me insane, he pushed his hand inside slowly, trailing his palm over my thigh and squeezing my ass gently. The kissing turned a little animalistic then as he practically devoured me, kissing me with such intensity that if I’d been standing, it would have knocked me clean off my feet.
He moaned into my mouth and slipped his hand inside my underwear, tracing his fingers over my wet folds. I wriggled, gasping as a little burst of pleasure erupted inside me. Tingles spread across my body from every place that his hand touched. I continued to pump him while his hand slid further down and he slowly pushed two fingers inside me. I moaned his name, before biting on his lip roughly in an attempt to try and get a hold on the pleasure he was creating as he slowly worked his fingers inside me to the same rhythm than I was stroking him.
When he flicked his wrist the other way around, massaging me with his thumb at the same time, I almost lost my mind as the pleasure became almost too much to bear – almost, but not quite.
His movements were speeding up, his breathing coming quicker and shallower as I sped up too, squeezing gently with each stroke. “Anna,” he murmured against my lips as he kissed me passionately, almost making me dizzy. I was almost there, I could feel it building. With each thrust of his fingers, he was pushing me closer and closer to the edge of that cliff.
My pulse was drumming in my ears; I was barely able to breathe. Suddenly, my body felt like it exploded with pleasure, making me arch my back into him. I threw my head back and cried his name as my body vibrated and convulsed around his fingers. Wave after wave of pleasure washed over me, dragging me under, drowning me in it. I’d heard girls talk about seeing fireworks when they climaxed, but I’d never actually believed them until now. Ashton’s body tensed against mine as he pressed his face into my neck. He made an incredibly sexy, little grunting sound as he came onto my hand.
I sighed and closed my eyes as my body slowly came down from the extreme high. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. My body felt relaxed and satisfied. When he eased his fingers out of me, my body jerked from the after effects of my orgasm. Forcing my eyes open, I saw him grinning down at me before he dipped his head and kissed me softly.
I smiled against his lips as he settled down next to me on the sofa, propping himself up on his elbow. He looked just as I felt: happy, contented and tired.
Scooting closer to him, I closed my eyes and breathed in his delicious smell that always made me feel safe and protected. His lips pressed to my cheek softly before trailing little kisses down the side of my neck. I giggled and squirmed as he nibbled on my earlobe. Finally, he pulled away and laid his head down next to mine, just watching me silently. I had the distinct impression he was waiting for me to speak first.
The edge of sleep was already tugging at my eyelids making them heavy. “Thanks,” I mumbled.
He burst out laughing at my comment. “You’re welcome, ma’am,” he whispered, causing goosebumps to break out over my skin. His heavy arm was placed over me as he pulled me closer to him, stroking my back until I was asleep.
I woke up cuddled in his arms. My body was draped over his chest; we were both fully clothed. I raised my head and realised we were in bed. Silently, I wondered how on earth we got there. I definitely fell asleep on the sofa.
“Good morning, Baby Girl,” he said quietly.
I blushed as suddenly all of the memories from last night washed over me. I moved off him and rolled back onto my own pillows, leaving a bit of space between us. When he didn’t move to me, disappointment washed over me. Did he not enjoy last night? Is he not even going to try and kiss me this morning?
“Morning,” I replied sheepishly, unable to look into his eyes because I was a little embarrassed.
“You okay today?” he asked, watching me nervously.
I gulped. What was I supposed to say? Was I okay? I felt okay. Actually, I felt fantastic; my body was, for once, relaxed and satisfied. I had a feeling he was asking because of Jack. The last time something had happened between us, I’d freaked out and ran off to the cemetery. But this time my confusion and unease wasn’t just because of Jack and the fact that I felt disloyal to him for wanting someone else, there was something else this time too.
“Um, yeah, I’m fine. You want some breakfast?” I climbed out of bed quickly, wanting to avoid this conversation. I had no idea what I actually wanted or what I felt about last night, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to think about it while he was there. Whenever he was near me, all I could think of was him.
He sighed deeply. “Yeah sure.”
I couldn’t look at him. I left the room quickly and headed straight to the kitchen, pressing my forehead against the fridge to try and calm myself. Confusion was making my head swim. I’d enjoyed last night, really enjoyed it, in fact, and my body was begging for me to go back to the bed and do it again – and an awful lot more, too. But my head was telling me that I needed to keep him at a safe distance from my heart. I just couldn’t stand anymore heartache, and Ashton Taylor was not the commitment kind of guy. He’d be with me just long enough for me to really fall for him before he would run away screaming, taking my heart with him. I couldn’t feel heartbreak again; I wasn’t strong enough to lose someone again. I needed to tread extremely carefully here because I was in some real danger of being crushed beyond repair by him.
Absentmindedly, I scrambled some eggs and made some toast, deliberately taking my time so he could shower; that way I could go in and get dressed and hopefully avoid being alone with him until tonight at least. Maybe I would figure out what I was going to say to him by then. Last night was entirely my fault again. I was the one making all the moves. I was the one who touched him and gave him the green light. I’d instigated it all, and this confusion and awkwardness that I felt inside was all of my doing.
“Stupid, stupid idiot!” I scolded myself, shaking my head.
“Who’s a stupid idiot?”
I spun on the spot, gasping in shock as he emerged from the bedroom, dressed and ready to go, looking every inch the gorgeous man that he was. “Er, no one. I was just thinking about something,” I lied, shaking my head dismissively and quickly serving up two plates of food. I set one on the counter for him and picked up the other, deciding to eat in the bedroom today so that I could be alone.
As I walked past him, he held his arm up, blocking my path. “Why aren’t you eating out here with me, like normal?” He sounded so terribly sad that it made my eyes prickle with tears.
“No reason. I just want to finish some stuff for our class this afternoon, so I thought I’d make a start while I’m eating. It’ll save some time,” I lied.
He sighed deeply and let his arm drop down to his side. “Right.”
Clearly he knew I was lying, but neither of us said anything. I made my way to the bedroom quickly, sitting on the bed and stuffing my food down my throat even though I didn’t actually want to eat. I felt strange inside. Although I didn’t actually feel bad when I thought about what had happened between us last night – maybe that was the problem.
I showered and dressed in black leggings and a tank top, throwing an oversized blue and white checked shirt over the top, leaving it undone. I put on my bangles too. I didn’t bother with any other jewellery anymore, the only necklace I ever wore was the one that Ashton had given me on our first date; I hadn’t taken it off yet and had no plans to either. I pulled my hair into a pony tail for the day and pulled on some ballet flats. When I was dressed I didn’t want to go back to the kitchen, I wasn’t ready to see him again yet. So instead, I sat on the bed, watching the clock, waiting for the time we would need to leave.
At exactly eight thirty, I made my way to the kitchen, where he was standing reading the newspaper. “Hey, I’m ready to go,” I mumbled, grabbing my bag and turning for the door. I heard him walking behind me, and I knew that he was waiting for me to bring up the subject first. I silently wondered how long he’d wait before he cracked and said something; hopefully I’d at least have time to figure out what I want to say.
“Morning guys,” Dean greeted us happily, waiting outside the door for us as usual.
“Morning,” I grunted, going to the elevator and letting them lag behind me. Usually Ashton would be holding my hand by now and making me smile, but today there just seemed to be this colossal rift between us.
I dropped my eyes to the floor and stood there in silence. Ashton didn’t even glance at me, well, at least I didn’t think he did, but I didn’t dare raise my eyes to him in case he caught me looking. The car ride to school was silent too. When he came around my side of the car to open my door for me, he didn’t take my hand like he usually did.
I gulped, hating the change in routine. I was missing his contact, missing his presence at my side. Even though he was still there, it felt like he was too far away from me. He sat next to me in classes, not speaking to me apart from when he asked to borrow my pencil sharpener. My stomach was really hurting now. I felt incredibly rejected and lost without him being his usual self. Every time I looked at him, he would smile weakly at me, but it didn’t reach his eyes, it wasn’t a real smile. I hated those smiles with a passion.
At the end of our morning classes, I threw my stuff roughly into my bag, not caring if my sketches got ruined or my pencils spilled from their cases. I was getting angry; I hated this cold, distant guy. I needed the old Ashton back, the one that could make me feel better in an instant by smiling or saying something silly, or flirting his butt off with me. I’d ruined everything for a quick thrill, and I hated myself for it.
I followed him down to the cafeteria, buying a sandwich and plopping down at our table of friends, making sure to choose a seat that was a couple of spaces away from him, knowing he would hate it.
“Anna, why don’t you come sit next to me?” he suggested politely, but looking at me with a small warning gesture.
“I’m fine here, thank you, Ashton,” I replied, using his name as he’d done to me. He hardly ever used my name, and it hurt my insides that he was doing it now. I turned away from him to talk to Rosie.
She raised one eyebrow in question. “Trouble in paradise?”
I sighed. What was I supposed to say to that? ‘Yeah, he’s just pissed because I finally let him touch me last night, and then refused to speak to him this morning.’ I had a feeling that wouldn’t go down remarkably well.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
A frown lined her forehead. “You two are perfect for each other! What’s happened? He can’t have cheated on you; I’ve never even seen him look at another girl, not once,” she shook her head sternly.
I smiled sadly. “No, nothing like that. It’s just little things at home, that’s all.” I picked my sandwich apart, not hungry in the slightest.
Ashton leant over Rich so he could talk to me. “Anna, want to go for a walk before next class?”
I shook my head quickly. “No thanks. I really need to talk to Rosie about something,” I lied, looking at her pleadingly. She nodded in confirmation, helping me out, but looking a little uncomfortable because of it.
“Anna, please?” he asked.
I huffed angrily and dropped my ruined food into the carton. Why can’t he just let me have some time? “Ashton, for goodness’ sake, I said I need to talk to Rosie about something. Why don’t you go do something with the guys?” I snapped.
He recoiled instantly, and a hurt expression spread across his face. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. I hated being a bitch to him. This wasn’t his fault, it was mine. He hadn’t done anything wrong; this was my problem and my mistake.
I sighed and stood up, walking over to his side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Maybe we should go for a walk,” I agreed, looking anywhere but him because I didn’t want to see the hurt on his face. Wordlessly, he stood up and followed behind me, putting his hand on the small of my back as we walked past a group of rowdy guys.
As we got outside, I instantly headed towards the picnic benches out the front, sitting down and staring at the sky. It was a really nice day, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and the clouds were white and fluffy, but it could have been raining for all I cared at the moment.
Instead of sitting next to me, he squatted down in front of me, putting his hands on my knees. “Anna,” he said quietly, trying to get my attention. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to say to him. I reluctantly dragged my eyes to meet his and saw what I hadn’t wanted to see there all morning: hurt and confusion. “Anna, talk to me. Don’t shut me out like this, please, I can’t stand it,” he begged.
My chin trembled as my emotions threatened to boil over. I fought desperately to keep them in check and not break down and weep. “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted weakly. “I guess I should say that I’m sorry. I should say that I shouldn’t have done that last night and that I won’t do it again. But I don’t want to say that. I’m not sorry. I enjoyed it.” I frowned, not knowing how to express this conflict that was going on inside me. I decided to tell him the truth – well, half of it at least. I figured it was best to leave out the fact that I was frightened to death that he’d break my heart. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Look, I like you. You are the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen, and I want you so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’ve never wanted anyone the way that I want you, not even Jack. But the fact is that I love Jack, and I shouldn’t be doing this when I’m not over him. And the thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know I’ll never be over him,” I winced, dreading his reaction. This was the first time I’d ever let him into my messed-up head. Maybe this would send him running from me. He’d finally see how screwed up I was and he’d bolt.
He didn’t bolt though; instead, he put his forehead to my knees and sighed. “I knew that was it. I knew this was about Jack,” he mumbled, his voice muffled against my knees. “Anna, do you really think that because you don’t know what to say to me, that saying nothing is better?” he asked sadly, not raising his head.
I couldn’t stand the pain in his voice; I tangled one hand in his hair. “I’m sorry, but you didn’t say anything either,” I countered, trying to make him shoulder some of the blame that was clearly all mine.
He sighed. “I wanted to give you space, Baby Girl, I knew you needed space. I figured you’d come talk to me when you were ready, but I just can’t wait any longer.” He lifted his head from my knees and looked at me intently. “I really like you,” he whispered, trapping me in his eyes so I couldn’t look away.
My breath caught in my throat. I liked him too, but I just couldn’t let him in, I couldn’t. Even aside from the fact that I was still messed up over Jack, I couldn’t go through another heartbreak. Everything I touched turned to shit and left in the end, and I couldn’t stand for that to happen to him. Having him in my life as a friend, or even as an acquaintance, was much better than not having him at all.
“I like you too,” I muttered, “but I just want us to be friends. There’s something between us though, I don’t know if you feel it too, but it’s like a need, like something I long for, but I can’t have it. I can’t let you in, I’m sorry.” And I truly was sorry. Sorry for all the times I may have led him on and used him for a quick bit of self-pleasure, support and comfort. That wasn’t fair of me, I knew that. The words were painful to say; it felt like I was ripping my heart out, and the pain that I felt scared me even more. It was then that I realised that I’d already let him in to a certain extent.
“You can’t let me in, or you won’t?” he countered, not taking his eyes from mine.
“Both.” I was fighting the urge to cry, I could feel my eyes prickling with tears.
He sighed. “I don’t like hurting you. I think I should just request a reassignment so it’ll make things easier on you.”
Panic surged through me at the thought of being without him. I couldn’t do it. I needed him way too much for my own good. I threw myself at him, knocking him flat onto his back as I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, afraid to let go. The emotions that were threatening to break free merely seconds before now hit me full force.
“No! Oh God, please don’t go. I’m so sorry. I won’t shut you out again, I won’t. Please don’t leave me,” I choked out between sobs, gripping fistfuls of his T-shirt.
He gasped, wrapping his arms around me tightly too, stroking the back of my head soothingly. “Anna, shush. It’s okay. I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. That was just a suggestion, that’s all. I just don’t like hurting you all the time. You’re killing me, I swear.”
I sniffed in a very unladylike fashion and pulled back so I could look at him. “I’m so sorry. I just need you around me. Please don’t leave,” I begged. “I just can’t be with you in that way. I can’t do that to you or Jack, please understand.”
He sighed, cupping my face in his hands. “I understand. Just don’t put me through this again, alright? I hate seeing you upset and knowing that I caused it.”
“You didn’t cause it. It was my fault. I’m so sorry. Please say you forgive me?” I begged. The emotional pain at the thought of him leaving me was crushing me inside.
He tilted my head down and kissed the tip of my nose tenderly. “There’s nothing to forgive, Baby Girl. I enjoyed last night as much as you did.” He wiped my tears off my cheeks using his thumbs. “Just promise me we’ll talk through stuff in the future. Don’t shut me out again, promise?”
I nodded quickly. “I promise.”
A gorgeously wicked smile crossed his face. “Good. Now, how about we skip the rest of the day and go catch a movie or something?”
I laughed, wiping away the last of my tears; he always did seem to know how to make me feel better. “You’re a bad influence on me, Agent Taylor,” I scolded, grinning now too.
“Yeah, but you love it,” he teased, rolling so that I was under him and then pushing himself up to his feet.
“Yeah, I do,” I admitted. I smiled and took the hand he offered, letting him pull me to my feet. We walked hand in hand to the car as he called Dean to tell him we were leaving. As we climbed into the car, I silently prayed I could always keep Ashton in my life somehow.