CHAPTER FIVE
Judith’s heart sank to her boots as she limped slowly along the crowded hospital corridor and saw Debbie Adams and Ciara Williams walking towards her. She had to do little walks twice a day and had decided to go for one when Jillian was leaving. Her eyes darted right and left, wondering if there was some escape route she could take, but it was too late. They had seen her, and Ciara was giving an embarrassed little wave. Judith knew in her heart and soul that this visit was for form’s sake and nothing more. She wondered how the pair had been nominated to come because, certainly, Debbie, she was sure, would not have come voluntarily. Judith knew full well that she was not a popular manager, and it rarely bothered her. She did her job, supervising the busy salaries section she ran in the big insurance company she worked for, and she did it well, by pushing her staff and keeping them on their toes. Mistakes could not be made in her department and, if they were, they landed at her door. She had to keep her distance from her staff; she was not their friend, she was their boss, and it was in everyone’s best interest that she and they remembered it.
Judith felt strangely vulnerable knowing that they had seen her, hobbling, leaning on a crutch, her arm in a sling, in her dressing gown and slippers, with no make-up on and the roots of her hair in need of a touch-up. She was never less than perfectly groomed at work and always wore a smart business suit. It was her armour and, now she was without it, she felt unnerved.
She had dreaded the ‘visit from work’ and had hoped it wouldn’t happen until further down the line, when she was more in control of herself. She should have told Janice Harris, the human resources manager, when she’d been talking to her on the phone to give her an update on her situation, that it was family visits only for the moment.
‘Hello, Judith,’ Debbie said warily. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Well, I’ve been better,’ Judith said wryly, wishing she didn’t have to bring them into her room but not feeling fit enough to go down to the coffee shop on the ground floor.
‘My God, Judith, you took a bashing all right,’ Ciara said cheerfully, waving a bouquet of flowers at her. ‘From all of us, with our best wishes. Where would you like us to put them?’
Up your arse, Judith would love to have said, and then felt ashamed of her utter ungraciousness. They wanted to be here as little as she wanted them to be here, but façades had to be kept up. ‘This is my room. There’s a vase on the window, you can fill it at the sink in the bathroom,’ she said calmly, leading the way into her small private room.
‘Oh, what a fabulous view,’ Debbie exclaimed, making her way over to the window. She handed the vase to Ciara. ‘There you go.’
‘Thanks,’ her friend replied and busied herself filling it and then arranging the flowers, glad to have something to do.
‘They’re very nice,’ Judith said politely, easing herself down into the armchair. She was damned if she was going to struggle into bed in front of the two of them, but she ached after her walk and would have liked nothing better than to stretch out and wilt.
‘Is there anything we can get you?’ Debbie asked, and Judith was taken aback to see a flicker of sympathy in the younger girl’s eyes. She and Debbie had never got on, and she was the last one Judith would expect sympathy from.
‘A new arm, a new car,’ she said dryly.
‘We saw your car on the TV the morning after our wedding day,’ Debbie remarked, perching uncomfortably on the edge of the bed. ‘Of course, we didn’t know it was your car at the time. My husband said it was a write-off, and I remembered thinking you had one like it. It was only when I got an email from the girls on our honeymoon in New York that I realized it was yours.’
How proudly she said those words – my husband – Judith thought irritably, glancing at the slim white-gold wedding band on Debbie’s left hand. Our honeymoon in New York. She suddenly remembered why she didn’t like Debbie Adams – or Kinsella, as she now was. She had everything Judith had always wanted: husband, home of her own and the prospect of having a family. She was so smug, sitting there looking so youthful and healthy in a pair of turquoise cut-offs and a clinging white top with a sweetheart neckline showing off her pert boobs and glowing tan.
‘So how did the wedding go?’ She tried to keep the edge out of her voice.
‘Best wedding I was ever at,’ interjected Ciara, who was arranging the gypsophila artistically between two yellow roses.
‘It went fine,’ Debbie murmured awkwardly.
Judith hadn’t even been invited to the afters, not that she would have gone even if she had, she thought snootily. ‘Well, let’s hope you’ve turned over a new leaf at work now that you’re a married woman, or are you doing any at all now that I’m not there to keep an eye on you?’ Judith said tartly.
Debbie did a double take. Had she heard right, she wondered? ‘Excuse me?’ She stared at her boss.
‘I said I hope you’re doing some work now that I’m not there to keep an eye on you.’ Judith’s eyes had a strange, piercing glitter as she stared at Debbie. The atmosphere in the small room changed, its very ions bristling, charged with hostility as the two women eyeballed each other as though mesmerized, like boxers in a ring waiting for the bell to start the fight – a fight that had been a long time coming.
Debbie flushed. She stood up and picked her bag off the floor. ‘Actually, Judith,’ she said slowly, ‘it’s a pleasure to go into work, if we’re being honest and speaking our minds. Maybe it’s because, as you say, I’m a “married woman”, but I’m more inclined to think it’s because I’m not getting bullied. Because, you know, you’re a bully, that’s what you are, accident or no accident. A bully of the highest order. You’ve made my life a misery, and I’m not going to let you do that any more. And how dare you speak to me like that? How dare you try and belittle me in front of my friend. I came to visit you to wish you well, but your ungraciousness says so much about the type of person you are – a mean-spirited, miserable bitch. I’ll wait for you in the coffee shop, Ciara.’ She glanced at the other girl and walked out with her head held high.
Judith watched her leave, her own cheeks as flushed as Debbie’s at the humiliating exchange.
‘Um . . . well, I’m sure you’re tired,’ babbled Ciara, picking up her own bag.
‘I am a bit,’ Judith agreed wearily, stunned at Debbie’s onslaught.
‘Yes, well, get well soon, and don’t rush back to work . . . I mean . . . er . . . take it easy and give yourself time to recover. Umm . . . I wasn’t saying not to come back to work—’
‘It’s all right, Ciara, I know what you were saying, and thank you for your good wishes,’ said Judith quietly to the flustered young woman in front of her. She swallowed hard. ‘And tell Debbie thanks for coming, I didn’t mean to offend her. I suppose I shouldn’t have said what I said, it was uncalled for.’
‘OK. I’ll tell her. Bye, Judith.’ Ciara took off like a scalded cat, not even bothering to close the door.
Judith hauled herself up out of the chair, shut the door and promptly burst into tears. Now they’d go back to the office and tell the others that Bitchy Baxter was as bitchy as ever. And they were right. Even worse, Debbie had accused her straight to her face of being a bully and been vicious about it. Imagine having the nerve to call Judith a miserable bitch. What insolence. Anger surged through her. The cheeky little cow. Judith climbed on to the bed and grabbed a pillow, rocking back and forth as a torrent of emotions battled for supremacy. Anger, grief, humiliation, regret. What had possessed her to have a go at Debbie outside of the office setting? The girl had been kind enough to come to visit, even, no doubt, if it hadn’t been voluntary. Judith was sure some selection process had been gone through in the office. But, in fairness, Debbie had unexpectedly shown some sympathy for Judith’s plight and asked her did she need anything. Couldn’t she have taken the gesture at face value without having a go? How typical of her to let her dark side get the better of her. Sometimes, she really was her own worst enemy! Tears spilled down her cheeks.
Debbie’s accusation had shocked her to her core. To be accused of bullying was a serious matter. What if the younger woman took it to HR? Would Judith be able to stand over her treatment of Debbie? She sobbed uncontrollably as she lay down on her bed. What a horrible person she was. Not even a near-death encounter had softened her cough. She was still a bitter, twisted, resentful woman with a sharp tongue and a hard heart. She hated her life, and she hated herself because, deep down, she knew Debbie Adams was right. She had bullied Debbie the last year or so, and she had withheld her salary increment out of spite. The girl was good enough at her job, and better than some, but Judith had just wanted someone to take her own resentment out on, and Debbie had been the perfect target.
How disappointed her father would be in her; how disappointed she was in herself. She had made another human being’s life miserable, because she was disappointed with her own life. She deserved her nickname, Bitchy Baxter, and she deserved to be called a bully, because that was what she was. She couldn’t run away from that inescapable fact.
Why hadn’t she died in that accident, she thought frantically as she tried to compose herself. It would have been a welcome release from her dismal life. She had a flashback to the moment the car had juddered out of control and the tree had loomed ahead of her. She’d had time to wrench the wheel and avoid it but, Judith remembered with a sudden stomach-lurching jolt, she hadn’t. She’d driven straight into it. She’d tried to commit suicide because the opportunity had presented itself. Suicide had always been at the back of her mind, all these years. A safety net when life got too unbearable. She had done nothing to try and prevent the car from crashing into the tree. She’d been prepared to die. She’d wanted to die.
Attempted suicide. It sounded so dramatic, but it hadn’t been really; it had been an inviting option. And that was what truly frightened her. Mentally, emotionally, you couldn’t sink lower than that. Judith remembered the depths of her misery that awful day and felt it was nothing to how she felt now. She hadn’t succeeded then, but what was to stop her trying again? Fear wrapped itself around her, tight, dark and malevolent. She was becoming like Lily had once been. Weak, mentally fragile and very frightened. She buried her face in her hands and cried bitterly, fearful of what was to become of her.
‘She’s a bitch, Ciara, a walking bitch,’ Debbie fumed as she hurried down the long corridor to the hospital exit. ‘How dare she accuse me of doing nothing at work? She’s such a minger. I’m glad I said what I said to her. I’m glad I finally stood up to her, because she deserved it, and she’s had it coming for a long time. You and the others don’t know the way it’s been for me this past year. God, I feel sick even thinking of it. And I feel sick after what’s happened, because I’m no good at fighting with people. I’m no good at having rows, my stomach gets tied up in knots and I think I’m going to puke, and I’m just crap at arguing, but she had no business talking to me like that – and in front of you as well. You’d think I was twelve, the way she went on.’ Debbie was almost in tears as she hurried along the hospital corridor.
‘Yeah, well, she did tell me to say she apologized if you were offended,’ Ciara said breathlessly, trying to keep up, and dodging between people who were coming in to visit. ‘She said she didn’t intend to offend you.’
‘Yeah, well, she bloody well did offend me, and I won’t be going near her again,’ Debbie raged as they emerged from the foyer into the sunlight. Cigarette smoke wafted over them from the smokers congregated at the door.
‘Phew!’ Debbie waved her hands in front of her face and grimaced. ‘Bad enough having to visit her, without getting lung cancer.’ She glowered at a middle-aged woman in a pink dressing gown who was waving her cigarette in the air as she made a point to her companion.
‘Keep your voice down; she’ll hear you,’ muttered Ciara, red-cheeked.
‘I meant her to hear me,’ retorted Debbie. ‘Why should I have to inhale her smoke, and why do they ignore the instructions that people are not supposed to smoke in that area? It’s outrageous, and so disrespectful of others,’ she ranted.
‘Do you want to get a bus or a taxi?’ Ciara sighed.
‘Might as well get the bus, seeing as there’s one there.’ Debbie scowled, heading for the queue. ‘Sorry for flying off the handle,’ she murmured a few minutes later, as they sat in a seat near the back.
‘That’s OK. Don’t worry about it.’ Her friend patted her on the arm. ‘Mind you, I think Judith got a major shock when you called her a bully. She certainly wasn’t expecting that – she went white,’ Ciara remarked as the doors whooshed closed and the bus moved away from the stop.
‘Well, she deserved it. Like I said, she’s done nothing but pick on me for months, and then she stopped my increment, and I’m just sick of it. I hate coming into work, I’m always petrified I’ll be late. I’m always petrified I’ll make a mistake and have her coming down on me like a ton of bricks. I hope it gives her something to think about.’ Debbie sat, flushed and angry, none the better for the encounter.
‘I think it will. She really went pale when you said it,’ Ciara reiterated. ‘And then she went pink. She looks a bit shattered, doesn’t she?’
‘Yeah, well, I suppose if you’d been at death’s door, you’d look shattered too. I hope she’s out for months,’ Debbie said viciously.
‘Hmm,’ murmured Ciara, and prudently refrained from any more discussion of the matter. She took her phone out of her bag and began texting, leaving Debbie to regain her equilibrium.
Debbie gazed out the window when the bus stopped at traffic lights at the junction of Collins Avenue and Grace Park. The pace of the traffic was slow, and the sun beat in on top of her head, making her squint. If it hadn’t been for Judith, she could have been enjoying a nice glass of chilled white wine with Bryan, instead of sitting in traffic seething. Her husband wouldn’t be interested in listening to her account of the blow-up. Emotional dramas were not his thing. He’d just tell her she was imagining things and to get on with it. Well, she was getting on with it. She’d finally made a stand.
Maybe Judith’s barb had been a mixed blessing, because it had enabled Debbie actually to confront her boss with the accusation of bullying. There had been no pussyfooting. She’d said it as it was, and it was a victory of sorts that Judith had apologized for offending her, via Ciara.
The bus lurched forward when the lights went green, but some idiot driver was stuck on the yellow box, impeding their progress. A cacophony of honking horns ensued, and she was grateful for the fact that at least she wasn’t driving in the Friday-evening mayhem. The rush-hour traffic was heavy and, even with the advantage of the bus lanes, it took them an age to get into town. Ciara was going to meet her boyfriend at the Savoy, to go to a film, so they parted company on O’Connell Street. Debbie made her way towards Temple Bar, determined to forget her encounter with Judith and looking forward to a drink and then a romantic meal with her husband.
‘Judith, why are you so upset? I’m going to have to call one of the house doctors to write up some sedation for you. You’ve got yourself into a terrible state.’ The nurse lifted her wrist and took her pulse. Judith sobbed, unable to compose herself. She wanted to be sedated. She wanted to go into oblivion and not have to think about anything.
The door creaked open, and Cecily appeared, looking smart and well groomed in a pair of white linen trousers and a navy jacket. Her jaw dropped when she caught sight of Judith’s teary, red-eyed, woebegone face.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, dismayed, glancing at the nurse.
‘I don’t know. She won’t tell me.’ The nurse wrote a note in her chart. ‘Judith, I’m going to get one of the doctors to have a look at you. Stop crying now,’ she ordered briskly. ‘You have a visitor.’
‘Don’t you speak to me like that. You know nothing about her, or me,’ Judith spat, incensed by the nurse’s authoritarian tone. ‘Cecily is just visiting because she feels it’s her duty, not because she wants to. I have no one in my life who really cares about me except my friend Jillian and my mother, so don’t patronize me, Miss, and don’t order me about. I’m old enough to be your mother.’
Cecily and the nurse stared at the wild-eyed woman in front of them.
‘I was just coming in to say goodbye. I’m off to France with my family for a month, but I don’t think this is a good time to visit,’ Cecily murmured, taken aback.
‘Perhaps not,’ agreed the nurse. ‘I’ll get them to put a No Visitors sign on the door.’
‘Yes, do that. That will suit me down to the ground,’ Judith hiccuped. ‘Go away, the two of you, and leave me alone. That’s all I want – to be left alone.’ The nurse ushered Cecily out the door and turned back to Judith.
‘Now, Judith. You have to tell me what’s brought this on. It can’t be that bad,’ she soothed, as though speaking to a very cantankerous toddler. She was only short of going, ‘There, there,’ and patting her on the back. It was the last straw for Judith.
‘Oh, what would you know?’ she screeched, the last remnants of control deserting her. ‘I tried to commit suicide and didn’t succeed. The girls at work think I’m a bully, and they’re right. I’m manless, childless, completely physically crocked, and I don’t even have a home of my own. How fucking bad do you want it to be?’
She turned her back on the nurse and curled up on the bed and wailed with grief and despair.
Cecily made her way towards the lifts, shocked by what she’d just witnessed. Judith had really lost it. She looked like a madwoman with her wild, red-rimmed eyes, keening and bawling. It was scary. Her elder sister was always so reserved and controlled. And never less than perfectly groomed. The woman she’d left behind was someone unknown to her.
She bit her lip as she jabbed the button on the wall for the lift. If Judith was having some sort of a nervous breakdown, would she be expected to stay at home and have to cancel her trip abroad? It would be so inconvenient. They’d booked a house in Brittany for a month, and friends were coming to stay for the first week and, later on, her sister-in-law and her children were joining them. Too many people would be discommoded if she cancelled, but could Lily cope on her own? Tom wouldn’t want to know. He and Judith were not on speaking terms, and he wouldn’t go out of his way to help.
Families, they could be such a nuisance. Cecily sighed as she stepped into the already crowded elevator, hoping she wouldn’t catch any germs from a wheezy old man who was hocking and spitting into a dirty grey handkerchief. She’d take her cue from Lily and play it by ear. This time, though, she was the one who had to take some responsibility where their mother was concerned. It had been a long time coming, and she’d got away with a lot, but now she was up against it, and the timing couldn’t be worse.