Firewall – This is a solid metal plate that separates the engine compartment from the driver’s compartment of a race car.

 

In my twenty-two years I realized a few things: some simple, some not. The most important, in some unexpected ways was that your life could change in an instant.

Most of the time change was often unanticipated in our lives so you’re never prepared for it. Because of that, the outcome was typically never what you’d hoped. And when the floor gives out, you found yourself trapped in the shattering aftermath, struggling to piece the broken and blurred edges of your life back together. Some of us run for change. Sometimes running causes more damage. Some people endured it, and well, some hide from change fearing the unknown or the change itself.

It was only natural.

Personally, I’d never been one to run from anything in life. Charlotte was a prime example of that. Throughout most of my life, I’ve had a do or die attitude about most things.

To hear that my father was dying of brain cancer was almost too much to tolerate with an already broken heart. I was sure therapy could only help so much before medication would be my only answer.

I sat there in the living room of our home while Charlie and his girlfriend, Andrea, told me he was dying.

Now the only reason they were telling me this was because I ran across some legal documents on the counter that morning when making breakfast including a title transfer of Grays Harbor Raceway to a one, Jameson Anthony Riley, of Mooresville, North Carolina.

“How long?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper. The tears hadn’t stopped since I saw the name Jameson Anthony Riley. “How long did they give you?”

Charlie looked at me for a long moment; his voice broke as he uttered the words, “Six months... or less.”

Shaking my head violently, I tried to comprehend what he was telling me, but I was beyond handling anything.

I was numb, and the one person I wanted here with me wasn’t.

Charlie moved to sit next to me. “I know this is hard, baby.” He leaned in placing a kiss to my temple. “I wanted to tell you so many times, but how do you tell your only child that you’re dying?”

I nodded, knowing he never intentionally wanted to hurt me. Hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do. I understood completely why he had reservations for not telling me. Here was a man who had to bury his childhood love at twenty-five and raise their only daughter by himself. Of course he had reservations about telling me.

“Having Jameson take over ownership of the track was to ensure it stayed in rightful hands,” he added. “He’s young and knows how to run a business.”

This track meant everything to Charlie and me. It was our life. When his world was shattered by the death of my mother, this track pulled him together. It gave him a reason to go on and brought us together in a time when we needed each other most. I had a feeling this was also Charlie’s way of ensuring that I had something to distract me. I’d be too occupied with the operation of the track to grieve his death.

Nodding again, Lucas and Logan, Andrea’s six-year-old twin boys, barreled into the room. Andrea had moved in recently to help take care of Charlie, and her sons came along.

“Why is she crying?” Logan asked taking a seat on his mom’s lap. “Did your boyfriend dump you?” He smiled at me. This wasn’t a smile you’d see on a six year old ... it was an evil smile.

It was something similar to the Joker.

In that moment, I did something completely juvenile and stuck my tongue out at him in sheer desperation.

This went on for a while—the little shit tormenting me and Andrea trying to get him to leave me alone. He didn’t, and soon his brother, Lucas, joined in until I was at the point where I was going to snap their tiny little heads off. So I grabbed some Jack from the cabinet and headed for the track.

This track had helped me through so much over the years, and I knew I’d find peace there with Jack Daniels. Jack never let me down; he was always there for me.

An hour later, Jack definitely didn’t let me down.

You realize what your life has become when you’re sitting inside a sprint car in the middle of the day drinking Jack Daniels directly from the bottle, and talking to it like it was your best friend.

Some might wonder why there was a sprint car just sitting at the track with no races going on. One of the local drivers had been practicing today. I snuck inside his car and, well, one look at me and he said he’d be back later.

Poor bastard probably felt bad for me.

I felt bad for me.

In between shots, I could hear the gravel crunching beside me, and then a heavy dramatic sigh of disappointment.

“Is that you, Jack? Why are you disappointed in me?” I stared at him wondering what he could possibly be thinking, running my fingertips down his dark label.

“Judging by that bottle in your hand, I’m assuming he broke your heart?” I looked up and saw Alley, at least I thought it was she, my vision was a tad obscured.

At this point, I could have been hallucinating.

“Jack didn’t do anything,” I laughed attempting to stretch my legs. “He’s a poor innocent bystander.” I stroked his neck in reassurance, so Alley didn’t offend him.

Alley sighed again ripping him from my hands. “Not Jack, Jameson!” She stepped back to look at me. “Whose car is this?”

“I don’t know. I’m in a car?” My head lulled to the side feeling the results of Jack.

Looking around, I realized she was right. No wonder I was so scrunched.

Before I became a permanent fixture, I decided to extract myself from the car. Once I was out, I fell to the gravel and dirt beneath me.

Alley picked me up—at least I thought it was she—it smelled like her.

Leaning against her, if you classify putting all of your weight on someone as “leaning,” we walked. At least I thought we were walking. I needed a lot of assistance just to put one foot in front of the other. It seemed Jack did a number on me, too.

“So what did he do?” Alley asked.

I reached for Jack again, but she pushed my hand away. “Who?”

“Jameson.”

“He did exactly what you thought. He used me for his determined benefits,” I admitted. Dragging my feet through the dirt, my white flip-flops turned an ugly brown as we passed through the pit entrance. “How did you find me? Why aren’t you with Lane?”

“Lane’s here. He’s visiting with Andrea, Charlie, and the twins.” She laughed. “Those are some interesting kids she has.”

“They’re assholes. I almost punched the little one in the face this morning after he came out of my room wearing my thong underwear over his pajamas.”

Alley chuckled, but said nothing.

“How did you know where I was?” I asked, looking up into her anxious eyes.

“Charlie told me that you came here,” she said resting her head against mine. It was a sweet gesture, not like Alley.

“Did he tell you?”

“Yeah, sweetie, Andrea told me tonight that Charlie had talked to you. I’m sorry.”

Warm familiar tears slipped down my cheeks. This would never get easier. I was sure of it.

After about an hour, no doubt from Jack’s influence, I spilled my guts. “I hate that they kept it from me. I hate that they lied to me. I hate that Jameson knew and didn’t tell me but, most of all, I hate that I’m not upset. I’m not upset that they didn’t tell me. I can’t find it in me to hate either one of them because... I love both of them more than anything, and to be mad at them would be a waste.”

“I know,” Alley agreed. “I would be hurt if my dad kept that from Spencer or me. But I understand your feelings here.” We were sitting against the maintenance shed right outside the pit entrance when she reached for my hand. “What did Jameson say?”

“I haven’t talked to him since I left Sonoma. I think he’s in North Dakota... if he got out of jail that is.” My voice was bitter despite me not being mad at him.

“He was released this morning,” Alley laughed. “Jimi made him spend the night in jail.”

“Oh.” Was all I said.

I also hated that he hadn’t even called. I mean, I know we parted on ill terms, but just because we had one fight didn’t mean I stopped being his best friend.

But, then again, he was in jail.

“Do you think he did what they charged him with?”

“No,” she replied without hesitation. “I had a meeting with Simplex this morning and briefed them on everything. There is no way in hell he sexually assaulted her, no way. Chelsea claimed he assaulted her, which, from his statement with Phillip, he pushed her off him. So, yes, that could be considered assault because, let’s face it, Jameson is never gentle. But she also claimed he forced her to give him oral sex,” she raised her hand when I gasped. “He didn’t.”

“I wonder what she’s out to prove.”

“Jameson said she wants him back.”

“Well, he’s a free agent so...” I hated saying that, but I would never be more than his pit lizard with his determined benefits. He made that clear.

“He’s not a free agent, Sway, and he never was. Jameson loves you; he always has. I knew that when I first met you two on that plane ride when we were kids.”

“Then why did you not want us together?”

“Because... Jameson had a lot of growing up to do, and if you hadn’t noticed, he’s a fucking child with anger issues. He should be medicated.”

I drew in a heavy breath. “Why do I love him? Why am I ready to forget everything just to hear him say he loves me?” I whined.

Alley laughed again. “Sweetie, that’s love. Why do you think I stay with Spencer? Yeah, our three-year-old son is more mature than he is, but Spencer has always been there for me. When you love someone, you love them for who they are, not for who they could become or who you think they should be. You love them and their faults.”

Alley was right. Yes, Jameson kept a secret from me, led me to believe we could have a relationship, and then quickly put it to an end when he found out my feelings were the same as his, but even with all that ... I loved him. I loved the cocky, arrogant, crazy Jameson, with his extreme anger problem and his dirty heathen talking. I loved him for who he was, regardless of his faults. So despite the fact that he said we couldn’t be together, nothing changed. I still loved him.

I’m so pathetic!

“Where is Jameson now?” Intending to get up, I hunched forward, but realized I’d been sitting there too long.

“Here... but, I’m not sure where.” She grunted, heaving me up with her. “I flew out with Lane. We leave tonight for Loudon. Jameson has to be in North Dakota for a meeting with Simplex tomorrow morning. They are thinking of sponsoring his sprint car team, but now they want to discuss his sponsorship.”

“How come?”

“Tate and Marcus, the president of Simplex, are good friends, which is how Jameson and Riley Racing got the sponsorship in the first place. Tate was not pleased that Jameson supposedly assaulted Chelsea. So what did he do? He called Marcus and told him to drop the sponsorship without even talking to Jameson about it, so now Jameson has to tell his side of the story.” Alley led me toward her rental car.

“Where are we going?”

“You need to get some sleep, sweetie.” Her phone beeped once and she glanced at it quickly before smiling. “Let’s go.”

“Can I at least have Jack back?” I reached for the bottle still in her hand.

“No.” She jerked it back.

“Why?”

“Because someone else is waiting for you.” She smiled half-heartedly, tucking the bottle away. “You need to be sober for this conversation.”

We drove the mile down Highway 8 until we made it back to my house.

Once she pulled in the driveway, she looked over at me. “I’m going to head inside.” Her eyes looked past me at the chain-link fence along the side of the house.

I followed her gaze and was met with the last person I thought I would see in that moment.

Jameson.

Standing there, leaning up against the fence, it was evident by the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes that he hadn’t slept. He ran his hand through his mess of hair repeatedly.

He was waiting for me.

When I saw him, the tears immediately returned.

I wasn’t mad that he didn’t tell me, nor was I mad about what happened in Sonoma; I couldn’t be. I loved him regardless of what he did, and as unhealthy as that may be it was the truth.

With my mom’s death, and now Charlie being sick, that proved to me that I couldn’t take this life I’d been given for granted. I couldn’t waste time on being upset or regretting the past.

What good did that do me?

When you had lemons... make lemonade... right?

Stepping from the car, his hands were in his hair. I knew then, by looking at him, he was hurting inside just as much.

Jameson never wanted to hurt me, nor did he want to keep a secret from me. I knew my best friend and that was not something he would have wanted to do.

He didn’t move from his place against the fence. Shifting his weight, he looked down at his feet when he noticed me standing beside the car. The restlessness that was visible in Charlotte had returned. Only now it was easy to see that the restlessness was a loneliness this lifestyle had created for him.

I trudged over to him, staring at my feet with each heavy step. My face was red, swollen and pathetic looking, but I’d been through hell today ... who gave a shit how horrible I looked.

Once I reached him, he sighed heavily and nodded his head once, as if he was giving himself some sort of pep talk.

When he spoke, it was low and soft. “I know you hate me... and I hate myself for it.” The despondence in his tone unnerved me.

“I don’t hate you,” I answered immediately wanting to punch myself for sounding so fickle, romance novel, dumb heroine with no spine, but it was the truth. I didn’t hate him. I never would. “I could never hate you.”

Jameson’s lips twitched slightly into a half smile. He opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, but then he sighed and looked down again. He was nervous.

Wanting to comfort him, I sat down on the ground beside him. It only took a moment before he slid down the fence, our shoulders touching. Of course, the pathetic-in-love pit lizard in me leaned her head against his hard, warm shoulder.

 Just as instinctively as our bond was to the chain-link fence behind us, his head leaned against mine.

“There’s so much I wanted to say and do in this moment, but... I froze. Now I don’t know what to say, or do,” he whispered into my hair placing a kiss on the side of my head, his voice riddled with repentance. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s just sit here for a little while,” I suggested.

I didn’t want to go back inside right away. Fresh air would do me some good. For one, if I saw Charlie, I would burst into tears again and two, I had no desire to see the Lucifer twins. It was also evident by my appearance and the spinning... I had a little too much to drink.

Jameson noticed quickly when I hiccupped and laughed. “Have you been drinking?”

I must have been swaying more than I thought because when I tried to look at him, he was slanted. “Just a little.” I squinted trying to make him stand straighter. Didn’t work.

“How much is a little?” he asked, giving me a funny look.

“I had a few shots,” I told him. “Or maybe it was half a bottle. I actually have no clue.”

“There’s a big difference between a shot and a half a bottle.” He gave a weak smile. “But it looks to me like it was more like a half a bottle.”

“Could have been a whole bottle,” I said, glancing toward the road when my dad’s neighbor arrived home. “I don’t really know. Alley stole it.”

He nodded in response, but said nothing more. I was glad he didn’t. I didn’t need a lecture on alcoholism right now.

We sat there for what seemed like days but was really only around an hour before the sun started setting. The cool air felt good against my flushed cheeks, a relief from the intensity surrounding me.

I decided we’d sat here long enough without speaking, and on top of that, my ass was soaked from the wet grass or I peed myself. I was certain I’d known if I had pissed myself. I’d been down that road before.

“Are you taking over ownership because Charlie asked you to? I mean... you don’t have to. I know how much responsibility you already have.”

He shook his head. “No, I want to. I don’t....” Pausing, he drew in a shaky breath. “I can’t leave this all to you. I want to be there to help you, and I don’t want the track in the hands of just anyone. I became who I am today right here in this town, with you. I can’t turn my back on it now.”

It made sense. If Jameson or even Jimi didn’t take over ownership, we’d have to sell the track. I couldn’t do it by myself and Mark couldn’t either. Knowing this, Charlie had thought the decision through. Jameson was young, determined, and business savvy. He was perfect for the job.

“I didn’t... I didn’t leave with Chelsea to upset you,” he told me. “She had the title transfer I needed to sign, well, so I thought she did.”

“So you didn’t sexually assault her?”

“No,” he balked. “Well, I pushed her off me, but nothing sexual happened.”

I nodded but didn’t say anymore.

Jameson shifted, drawing me into his warm comforting arms. Turning, I faced him looking deep into his eyes.

I saw it then, for the first time. The regret, the love, the guilt, the stress, everything that defined him was there. It was where that restlessness and that vulnerability stemmed from. He carried so much on his shoulders at such a young age. How was track ownership going to help any of this?

“Jameson, I don’t think you should take over. Maybe Jimi—”

His warm, calloused fingers silenced me. “It’s already done, Sway.” He shook his head soberly as though he never entertained the idea of not taking over. “I’m the new owner of Grays Harbor Raceway as of two o’clock today.”

“Jameson,” I breathed. “How is this going to work? I—”

His fingers silenced me yet again; he blinked slowly, not liking the reminder that this was a difficult situation. Then, with the same slow blink, the pain in his eyes hardened into that fire I always saw in him. That determination to prove to everyone he could be more than Jimi Riley’s son was there again. Only now, he was determined to run with what was handed to him. “I can do this... but I can’t without you, honey.”

“What?”

“I need you. I know that I’ve made some mistakes... okay, that’s a lie. I’ve fucked up big time, but I can’t breathe without you next to me. It literally fucking hurts without you.”

“You’re so romantic.” I laughed at his use of the “fuck” word.

“I know...” he agreed with a small smile.

“I need you, too,” I replied softly. I wasn’t lying. I needed him now more than ever.

He surprised me when he said, “You don’t though, and I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re what I want.”

“You shouldn’t,” he warned. “I’m not good for you. I’m selfish, arrogant, have extreme anger issues, and I act as though I’m stuck in a two-year-old child’s body...” he raised an eyebrow at me. “Should I continue?”

“No, I get it.” Looking down at my feet, I watched my toes slip through the damp blades of grass. Avoiding looking at him, I didn’t want to see the rejection that I saw in Savannah. “We can’t be together. We shouldn’t be together.”

“I think you misunderstood, honey.” He placed his large hand against my cheek. I closed my eyes at the feeling of his warm skin touching mine. “I’m not what you need, but I’m too goddamn selfish to let you go again.” He paused as he waited for my eyes to meet his. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you walk away, knowing I broke your heart intentionally?”

“Probably the same as having it broken,” I replied sarcastically.

His eyes flashed with that same emotion I saw so often over the last three weeks, and it finally made sense.

Jameson did feel the same but he didn’t want to feel that way. He was right, this lifestyle wasn’t ideal, but it happened, and though it was creating that restless loneliness for him, he still wanted something more.

Regardless, I had to know if he still felt the same way. The fickle dumb heroine in me spoke, “Do you still love me?”

Jesus that sounded so stupid.

“How can you even ask me that?” He looked deep into my eyes, his voice cracking. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone this much in my entire life. It actually hurts. You have my heart and soul. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with you.”

I wanted to hear him say it. He’d just bared his soul, but I thought he knew by my expression that I was waiting for it.

Fumbling with my own, his hands found mine in his lap.

When my forehead leaned against his again, his eyes closed, and I watched as two tears slid slowly down the side of his face only to have him shake them away. “I’m sorry for everything. I don’t want to do this without you.”

“Then don’t,” I whispered wiping the tears from his face.

Losing my control once again, I cried... pathetic broken-hearted pit lizard cried, when I saw how emotional he was over this. All this time I had no idea he had this strong of feelings for me.

And though I felt broken, this time it was different because slowly I could feel those broken pieces being glued back together with Jameson super glue. He loved me, actually loved me, and wanted to be with me.

“Sway, please,” he sighed as his fingers traced my lips—his head shook from side to side. “Please forgive me.”

I could feel the soft skin of his lips against my own, waiting for me to respond.

“Do you think we can make this work?” I choked on my tears. Twisting back, I took in his expression, one of a man looking for redemption.

“I know we can,” he said, brushing the hair that had fallen in my eyes, tucking it behind my ear. “I love you. That’s all that matters.”

“Are you going to crawl up to my window now and rescue me like my knight in shining armor?”

He scrunched his nose in that adorable way he always did. “Well, I was never good at climbing, and I’m slightly afraid of heights so....” He offered a lopsided grin. “Would you settle for me getting down on my knees and begging for forgiveness?”

“Eh, don’t worry. I won’t make you climb or beg.” I stood reaching for his hand. “When do you leave?”

He frowned, standing tall before me. “In the morning.” Brushing off his jeans, he took my hand. “I have to meet with Simplex in Grand Forks, North Dakota, tomorrow, and then I need to be in Loudon on Wednesday.”

We began a slow walk toward the house, lingering in the shadows of the wraparound porch with a sense of dread. “That sucks.”

Jameson nodded. “It does.” Pulling me against his side, he slung his arm over my shoulder. “But we’ll be okay. Together.”

I looked up at him; he was looking down at me with his beautiful smile. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you see that this will work.”

“That could be fun,” I teased, attempting to make light of the stressful day.

“You’re adorable.”

Laughing lightly, I stopped on the front steps leading up to the door.

“Are you coming in?”

“I was hoping you’d ask.” His voice was shy. “I didn’t get a hotel room.”

“Well, it’s a little soon to be moving this fast. I mean, we just started dating. I’m not that kind of girl, you know.” I tried to hide my smile, but it was a futile effort.

Jameson laughed freely before stepping toward me.

“Honey,” he gave me a slow wink wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “I wasn’t planning on stealin’ home or anything.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” I teased back, opening the front door.

Once we stepped inside, the chaos began. Charlie was sitting on the couch watching baseball, Andrea was making dinner, and Logan and Lucas were running around the living room playing tug-of-war with my bra.

At least they picked one that looked decent... little shits.

Their eyes shot up when they saw Jameson and ran at him full speed. “You’re Jameson Riley!” They both shouted and clung to his legs.

“Uh,” Jameson looked slightly panicked. “I guess I am.”

“Boys, at least let Jameson come inside!” Andrea yelled from the kitchen. “Hey, Jameson,” she greeted Jameson dragging her shithead children away.

Jameson leaned over to whisper in my ear, “They’re adorable.”

“Please tell me that you didn’t refer to the Lucifer twins as adorable?”

He looked confused. “Lucifer twins?” Raising an eyebrow, his amusement showed and then he smirked.

“Yes, those kids are assholes.” My bra whizzed past me to Lucas. “I’m positive their father is the devil.”

“They can’t be that bad. They’re just kids.” The smirk still hadn’t left his face.

Lucas ran past us in the other direction with my bra on. “Really?” I pointed at Lucas. “Do they take your tampons and use them as rafts for their GI Joes in the bathtub or wear your bras?”

“Well, no.” Jameson shifted his stance seeming thoroughly entertained by this.

“Exactly, they’re annoying as shit. I have no idea how I’m going to live here with them.”

I’d only been around them for less than twenty-four hours and getting my own apartment was looking like a top priority for my week.

Andrea made spaghetti for us, which was delicious.

Most of the dinner talk was about the track, and how Charlie would prefer the operation to be handled.

When Logan started shoving his noodles up his nose, I decided to excuse myself to my room, with Jameson.

Grabbing some leftover spaghetti and a bowl of milk for Mr. Jangles, my cat, we departed to my childhood room.

After getting Lucas off my bed, I placed the food on the floor and sat down on my bed. I couldn’t figure out why Lucas wanted to sleep on my bed... creepy little weirdo.

Jameson slowly stepped inside closing the door behind him, the sound of the door locking echoed throughout.

I was relieved he locked the door. With the twins around, thoughts of getting a deadbolt were high on my list.

Mr. Jangles was on the bed so I tried to push him off only to have him push back.

“Mr. Jangles, you’re such a jerk sometimes. You need to share.” Flicking his kitty tail at me, he jumped down to his own bed on the floor finding his food dish.

“What is that?” Jameson motioned toward Mr. Jangles looking slightly terrified of him. “Seriously, what is that?”

“It’s a cat.” I glanced at him with an Are you really that stupid? expression. “What does it look like?”

“Well, if it didn’t have so much hair I’d think it was a small child.” His eyes narrowed trying to make sense of him. “What in the hell do you feed him, McDonald’s?”

I laughed, curling my legs up around my chest, leaning back against the wooden headboard. “No, spaghetti and milk.”

“Maybe you should cut back on the carbs,” Jameson suggested, taking a seat next to me on the bed. He observed Mr. Jangles watching him scarf down his spaghetti in disbelief. “Jesus, Sway, this thing eats more than I do.”

“Be careful what you say around him.” Mr. Jangles crawled onto the bed so I covered his ears. “He’s sensitive about his weight,” I whispered, scratching his overly large back. “Have some compassion.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want to offend Mr. Jangles, would we?”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

Jameson smiled looking down at me from under his thick dark lashes. “Why do you call him Mr. Jangles? Why not a normal name, like kitty?”

“Jesus, I was drunk at the time, give me a break. And kitty was taken if you hadn’t noticed already,” I huffed annoyed.

After a moment, his head tipped toward me, a faint smile took over. Despite what he’d been through, or what we’d been through, he was here for me right now when he knew I needed him. And when I looked at him now, his doubtful expression gave him away.

Taking a deep breath, I melted at the warm, clean, musky intoxicating scent of Jameson lying next to me. Cradling me to his chest, his warm arms wrapped around my waist. I leaned back to look at his serene, peaceful face and kissed him.

With his arms already around me, he easily slid me on top of him. Everything seemed so familiar, but yet so new and thrilling. His lips were soft but moved fiercely. He felt the change, too.

I wanted to feel him. I wanted his skin against mine, but when my hands traveled down his stomach and started to pull his shirt up, he stopped me.

“Sway, wait,” he said breathlessly.

I smiled against his lips shaking my head and his grasp away. “I want to.”

“No, Sway... I’m not messing this up this time.” He sighed, moving me to his side but kept his arms around me. “I love you, and I’m doing this right, this time.”

“What have you done with the Jameson I know?” I tapped on his head.

He grinned playfully his shoulders straightening. “I’m all grown up now.”

“Pfft... hardly... so doing this right means we can’t have sex?”

He chuckled softly at my boldness. “No, we can’t,” he brought my lips back to his for a slow, lazy kiss and then pulled away, “because I’m going to take my time with you and show you I deserve you ... show you how much I want you.” He kissed me again and swept my hair away from my neck so he could kiss down the side. “I’m not going to fuck this up,” he stated.

“Hmmm... So that means we won’t see each other for around three weeks and we can’t have sex? That sucks,” I grumbled.

Jameson laughed. “Shouldn’t I be the one mad here?”

“Yes, I’m surprised you’re not...” I reached my hand between his legs quickly before he could pull it away. He threw his head back and groaned as I performed some reciprocating motions over his jeans. His camshaft had other plans for him. “See... he’s mad at you,” I pointed out.

“I’m no longer ruled by my dick, Sway,” his words came out half-strangled. “We need to wait.” Reaching for my hand, he placed soft kisses on the inside of my palm. “We just have to.”

The rest of the night we held each other, still fully clothed.

Believe me, I tried again, but he was set in his ways. I almost got him to surrender when I started dry humping him when he was sleeping. He woke up, rolled me over, and continued the motions until he reached for his zipper and snapped out of his trance.

He really was different. He wanted to do this right, and he was going to prove it.

Damn it.

I was all for doing this right, but no sex? That just seemed dumb to even consider.

Sometime in the early morning as the sun began to peek over the dense trees surrounding the house, I woke up. Jameson was on his side facing me, still sleeping.

I couldn’t sleep, so instead I lay there trying not to wake him.

Here I was, less than twelve hours ago thinking my life was over and hearing the news that my dad was dying. Then Jameson showed up and my world shifted again. Something I’d been holding onto for so long was now mine, and now something I never thought would be taken from me would soon be gone.

One thing was certain: I couldn’t agonize over this. Charlie wouldn’t want that at all. He would want all of us to act as though nothing was wrong—he didn’t want the reminder.

To him, to all of us, life needed to be normal and that was exactly what I would do, for him.

The next morning Jameson left for North Dakota, and I walked back into the house after saying our goodbyes, sad as ever that I wasn’t going to see him until the Northern Sprint Tour was in town... three weeks away.

Once he left, I noticed a note he left on my pillow.

 

You are where my heart belongs.

It looked as though he signed an autograph for me. Smiling to myself, I sent him a text message thanking him once again.

Looking over the note, it finally made sense to me. That uneasiness, vulnerability, the restlessness, the way he kept his distance at the bar that first night and the way he stared at the ceiling after we had slept together. It was because of this, the conflict he held over the decision. The bigger picture here, and what I never really understood, was me. I was the link he needed, the connection between where he came from, and where he was going. I grounded him back to where it all began and reminded him of why he was chasing his dream. I couldn’t take all the credit, but I knew the place I held in all this now.

Talk about a revelation.

Charlie was sitting in his chair watching television when I walked into the living room, so I sat down on the couch and watched with him.

I hated baseball but I wanted to spend some time with him.

“Sway, I think you should go to Loudon this weekend,” Charlie told me sometime after the third inning began. “Jameson needs you there.”

I was confused. “I thought you needed me here this weekend?”

“I only need you here for the bigger events. This weekend is just regular season races.” He glanced over at me. “If these last few days have taught me anything it is that I will not stand in the way of your happiness anymore, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be the twenty-two-year-old that you are.”

I was relieved to hear him say that. My entire life I had to live way beyond my years and some days, I just wanted to be a careless twenty-two-year-old who didn’t have to worry about a father who was dying of brain cancer, a boyfriend who I wouldn’t get to see all that often, not to mention, the General Manager of a racetrack.

Hold the fuck up. Did I just say boyfriend?

Is that what he was to me now?

Lucas strolled nonchalantly into the house eating what appeared to be mud out of his hands.

Personally, I wasn’t all that surprised.

Charlie eyed him closer as Lucas walked back outside again with his mud. “What the fuck... was he eating mud?”

I glanced back at Lucas and then to Charlie again, shrugging my shoulders before slurping my mocha. “It appears that way.”

“What is wrong with those boys?”

I laughed. “You know Dad, they’re six years old. You really shouldn’t expect so much from them.”