Chapter 19
My cell rang. It was unusual for Skye to call me during working hours. The same obsessive thoughts came crashing over me. She was calling me to tell me she's dating, or in love, or getting married. I caught another glimpse of Katherine's unguarded smile, and for a split second I pictured Skye smiling like that at the thought of another man.
"Woods" I couldn't mask the pain in my voice when I answered the phone.
"Hey. I hope I didn't call in a bad moment."
"No. It's ok."
"I…"
'Just say it already. Rip my heart out, but at least do it quickly.'
"Everything ok?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure. My parents ask about you a lot. They really liked you."
"I liked them, too. Tell them I said hi."
"I don’t think I will. They seem to think you're God's gift to police work. It's quite unnerving."
"Whose fault is that? You're the one who told them how amazing I am."
"I did, didn't I?"
Her mock sigh amused me. I liked the Walkers and meeting them had explained quite a few things about Skye. Almost everything really. Everything except the darkness. I couldn't afford to think about her or her family as anything that had to do with my life. It would hurt all the more when she took it all away for good.
"Why did you call?" I asked.
The long breath she took warned me that something big and unpleasant was coming.
"I'm going undercover again. Not sure how long it will take, but I won't be able to call you for a while."
That was both better and worse than what I had prepared myself for. It occurred to me that she didn't have to tell me that she wasn't going to call me for a while. She didn't owe me anything. The very fact that she needed to tell me made me hope again. It told me that she didn't call me because she wanted my opinion or because something in her life happened. The need was inside her and it was constant. I could picture her fighting it, and sometimes it got too intense and she reached for the phone.
"How dangerous is it?"
"Oh, pfff," she said. "It's not. It can literally not get any less dangerous than this. I'll be a librarian."
That sounded like a strange use of her talents, but I was not going to complain. There was no reason Skye would lie about that. But even in the simplest missions there was plenty of potential for things to go wrong. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy until I heard from her again.
"That's good. But are you sure you can do it?"
"What are you talking about? I spent months in Evidence. Why would this be any different?"
"Well, you know you're going to have to keep quiet for most of the day, right?"
She huffed indignantly. "I never! The nerve on you! I don't know where got the idea that I talk too much?"
"I didn't mean that. You're… fidgety. I mean, you have a lot of energy."
She seemed somewhat mollified.
"Yes, I am probably going to be bored out of my mind for most of the time. But I like my odds of not getting shot this time."
Or assaulted by a serial rapist. She was nice enough not to mention that.
"That's the first thing I want to hear when your mission finishes."
"I promise."
The small noises she made were music to my ears. I could feel her squirming to find something else to say just to keep talking to me. Anything other than the secret things we never acknowledged in daylight.
*
Fifty-six days later, the phone rang at 5.38 in the morning. It wasn't a familiar number but it was a California code.
"I did it!" Skye said before I could say anything.
Her voice brimmed with glorious energy. I wished I could see her.
"What is this it of which you speak?" I asked.
"It is only the greatest thing ever! It is that for once I managed to get out of one deep cover mission without getting hurt. I'm not going to have to do any physical therapy, mandatory counseling, or mountains of paperwork."
She sighed deeply and I imagined her lips slightly parted and her eyes closing. I rarely got the chance to see Skye relaxed. Even during meditation her posture was more alert than relaxed. Even after having an orgasm… something inside her didn't give in. I wished I could see her. The background noise was very familiar, but it had to be about 3 in the morning on the West Coast.
"Where are you?"
"At the Station. It's bedlam here. They arrested like a hundred people so it's all hands on deck now. I don't care, I'm finally free! You were right, by the way."
"About?"
"It was so boring! Gah! If I never have to look at a bookshelf again…"
'I bet you looked hot.' I held back the thought. I'd been worried about her since she told me about the mission, but I'd also had intense fantasies about dealing with a sex bomb librarian.
"And the college students! I swear they all thought they were watching the opening sequence of a porn whenever they looked at me. Don't men have anything other than sex in their mind at that age?"
"Not just at that age."
The words escaped me. My brain was a bit foggy and getting up at six didn't just mean waking up. The silence at the other end of the line was almost perfect. Except the sound of her breath.
"Whatever do you mean, Detective?"
Her tone was playful but her voice was taut. Her breathing sped up and I sensed her catch fire. I heard people around her going about their business, and I remembered how little it mattered when there were people next to us in the elevator. But that was a lifetime ago.
"I'm glad you're ok."
"Thanks."
She sounded just a little disappointed when she said that. I didn't have the strength to play with her any more. I would be her friend, but nothing more unless it was a hell of a lot more.
*
A week later, I was so annoyed at Katherine for working the week before her wedding instead of pestering the caterers or going to a bachelorette party in Las Vegas that I actually left the station at the end of my shift. At least I wouldn't be her excuse for staying at work instead of doing wedding related things. I didn't know what they were, but I knew that most women would not take the time to look into a cold case with their partner instead of dealing with out of town relatives and last minute crises.
I was on a treadmill when Skye called, two hours after the end of my shift. The decision to answer her was more difficult than it should have. After all this time in which I encouraged her belief that we were just friends, I should be able to handle any conversation with her.
"Woods."
I tried to put some distance between us, treating her call as if it was any work related call.
"Guess what?" she said, not even bothering to introduce herself.
"What?"
"I got offered a position in Robbery-Homicide!"
"Congratulations. I'm very happy for you," I said, almost entirely sincere. The truth was that I was also happy for myself. Once you got into Robbery – Homicide, there was little reason for undercover jobs. Those were essential in Vice and Narcotics, but if there was one thing nice about murders was that you knew where you stood with murders. "When are you starting?"
"I didn't accept it yet."
"Why not? Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Things change… I'm not sure I can handle being in Homicide."
I had no reply to that. She was a competent cop, but not everyone was cut out for Homicide. As much as I wanted to know her safe, I couldn't guarantee that she would be as great at it as she was at working undercover.
"You can always transfer if it doesn't work for you," I said.
She sighed. "I guess. It's just… I don't know."
"What are your career prospects in Narcotics?"
I was acting as her guiding counsellor. Didn't LAPD have people for that? It was frustrating to help her cement her future in Los Angeles when I wanted her to make up her fucking mind and break off any contact with me to let me get on with my life. It didn't matter that my life would be shit after that, at least I'd know something for certain.
"No idea. I never imagined I'd stay in this Division too long."
"There's always Traffic," I said.
She giggled, and tried to cover it up with a cough.
"You might have something there. I used to love CHiPs."
*
She showed up a few weeks later. It wasn't a coincidence that she chose Father's Day. On that Sunday in June, Skye came back into my life full force.
"I love you," she said.
Who did that? Who had the guts to show up and declare their love in the middle of a park in Brooklyn after weeks of silence?
Thinking back at that moment, I realized that although I felt it, I hadn't said it back. Days went by, turning into weeks, and I was getting more and more scared of how well she fitted into my life. She had moved back to New York, this time she had a permanent job in the Organized Crime Division. We kept our relationship discreet, but not secret. She rented another dingy studio where we had sex half of the time. I started to consider the possibility of getting a double bed for the main bedroom in my parents' house. My house. Our bed.
Once I took that step, we rarely went back to having sex on her uncomfortable and very noisy couch.