Honey
The conversation with Grit stuck in Honey’s mind and didn’t leave. She thought over and over again about everything he had said, and she knew that he was right. There was more at stake than she realized, and she knew that though she had her loyalties to Charlie, it was no excuse for letting killer drugs land on the streets.
But still, she couldn’t help but feel fearful at the task that lay ahead of her. Honey knew that if she told Grit that Charlie had been giving drugs away to people to sample, like he’d done with Bethany, then that might just be all the proof he needed to confirm that there was indeed something shady going on at Fantasies. It’d be a bell that she couldn’t un-ring.
“Honey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost or something,” said Bethany as the two women prepared for their shift backstage.
“Just … got a lot on my mind is all,” said Honey, her gaze focused on her reflection.
She’s right, Honey thought, noting her worried expression. It doesn’t take a shrink to know that there’s something going on with me.
“It’s that guy, isn’t it?” asked Bethany. “I know it; you’ve got ‘boy problems’ written all over your face.”
“I mean, kind of,” said Honey.
Right as the words left Bethany’s mouth, Honey knew that she wasn’t too far off. Honey, in spite of what she knew to be the smart thing to do, had to admit that she was developing feelings for Grit. She scolded herself over and over. After all, what worse candidate for a partner could she think of than some motorcycle club gang member who was perfectly comfortable operating outside of the law? She knew she needed a nice man, a man with a normal job, a man who could provide her with a normal life.
But try as she might, she couldn’t ignore the hold that Grit had on her. Honey looked back on the last few weeks as the most intense that she could remember. There was something about Grit; he had an inner strength that she found herself drawn to beyond compare. And that wasn’t even getting into the sex …
“More than ‘kind of’,” said Bethany. “You’re fucking smitten. Don’t even try to lie to me.”
“I just ... I don’t know what to do.”
“Spill it.”
Honey flashed a quick glance at Bethany. Something about her looked tired, worn down. Honey watched as Bethany applied more makeup than usual, covering up the bags under her eyes and the wan look of her skin.
Is she still on those drugs? thought Honey.
“Um, it’s a guy from here, like I said,” said Honey. “And we’ve been seeing each other a lot over the last few weeks. But, well, I don’t know what he thinks about all of it. I mean, I think he likes me, I really do, but he’s one of those guys who keeps everything to himself.”
“The strong and silent type?”
“Yeah, something like that; the kind of guy who doesn’t let anyone in.”
“Ugh, I know the type,” said Bethany. “Always acting like feelings are, like, a sign of weakness or something. All you want is to know where you stand with them and they act like you’re asking for a goddamn diamond ring.”
“That’s so true,” said Honey. “I’m just like, let me know what you’re thinking, one way or the other. But I know if I asked him, he’d back away. And it doesn’t help that we’re working together on something.”
“Oh?” asked Bethany. “And what’s that?”
“Um,” said Honey, realizing she’d said more than she should’ve. “Just a, um, personal project.”
But before Bethany had a chance to interrogate her more, a wave of nausea ran through Honey’s stomach. She lurched forward a bit, bracing herself against the vanity. For a brief moment, she felt like she just might throw up.
“You okay there?” asked Bethany.
“Yeah,” said Honey. “Just felt a little weird for a second.”
“Well, you’re gonna need to get over it—we’re on in a few.”
“I know, I know,” said Honey.
The two girls finished applying their makeup and made the last-minute adjustments to their outfits. Another brief wave of sickness hit Honey as she finished getting ready, and she realized that there was something wrong with her that she couldn’t ignore.
You’re just stressed, is all, she told herself. Just get through the shift and you can get home and get some rest. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself and it’s gonna start showing one way or another.
Taking a deep breath, she went with Bethany to the hallway leading to the main room. Another wave hit her as she stood waiting for her turn, and Honey started to worry that she might not be able to make it.
“And now,” called the DJ, “it’s time for the girl who’s sweet as can be—give it up for Honey!”
Applause sounded out from the crowd, but right as Honey stepped over the threshold leading to the stage, another jolt of nausea hit her, this one more intense than any of the others. She realized that she just might throw up right then and there. The eyes of the crowd on her, she turned on her heels and ran back down the hallway, her hand over her mouth.
“Honey!” shouted Bethany. “Where the hell you going?”
Honey rushed to the bathroom in the dressing room, rushed into the nearest stall, and vomited. Bethany was hot on her heels and followed her into the stall.
“Oh my God, you’re sick as hell!” said Bethany.
But once the first burst of vomit left her lips, Honey felt a little bit better.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bethany. “You eat something that didn’t agree with you?”
“I don’t know,” said Honey. “I felt fine up until a few minutes ago. Then it just hit me all of a sudden, like out of nowhere.”
“Hmm,” said Bethany, standing up in the stall, putting her foot on the toilet handle and giving it a flush. “Um, let me ask you something—you and this guy, have you been, you know, hitting it raw?”
Honey’s eyes went wide.
“What?”
“I mean, have you been practicing safe sex?”
Honey realized that the answer was a definite “no.”
“Um, shit,” said Honey.
Pregnant? she thought. I mean, that’s what Bethany is clearly getting at.
The idea was simply crazy to her. She was barely old enough to drink. How could she have a kid?
“Girls?” called out Charlie from outside the bathroom. “You all good in there?”
“We need to get you tested,” said Bethany. “And no way you’re gonna go up on stage and blow chunks on some trucker in the front row.”
Charlie knocked on the bathroom door.
“Here,” said Bethany. “Let me handle this.”
She hurried up and out of the stall, leaving the bathroom.
Once she was gone, Honey slumped back against the wall. She felt like it was all too much, like she had no idea just how she’d been able to handle the pressure that she was already under, let alone adding a baby on top of everything.
Who says that’s even what it is? she thought to herself. I might just have a bug or something.
But part of her knew it was true. And she knew that she and Grit had been having so much sex that it wasn’t exactly out of the realm of possibility that she might just be carrying his baby.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Bethany returning to the bathroom.
“Okay, we’re good,” she said.
“What’d you tell him?” asked Honey.
“You know—the usual excuses a girl can make up when talking to guys. The less said, the better.”
The two of them went back to the dressing room and got back into their normal clothes. A little while later, they were in Bethany’s car and headed to the nearest pharmacy. There, they purchased a pregnancy test and drove to Bethany’s apartment nearby.
“Sorry about the mess,” said Bethany, flicking on the lights.
“Mess” was putting it lightly. Bethany’s apartment struck Honey as near squalor. Alcohol bottles were here and there, along with food wrappers and other assorted trash. It struck Honey as more than just a mess that a girl might have when getting a little behind on her cleaning.
“Okay, get into the bathroom and do your business,” said Bethany. “I’ll tidy up while we wait for the results.”
Honey headed into the bathroom. Once there, she did her necessary business. Looking around the dingy bathroom, Honey spotted something under a dirty towel. It was something small and silver. Once Honey was done with her test, she reached under the towel and grabbed the object.
It was a small, bent, burnt spoon.
Honey was no expert on drugs, but she’d been around enough junkies to know that this was a telltale sign of use. She washed her hands, took the test, and headed back into the living room. Bethany was there, trying to do what she could to get the apartment looking somewhat presentable.
“Takes about a half-hour, right?’ asked Bethany.
“What’s this?” asked Honey, holding up the spoon.
Bethany’s face turned a deep red, and her hand shot out to grab the thing from Honey.
“Nothing,” she shot out. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“B, you’re using again, I know it,” said Honey, putting her hands on her hips. “No use lying to me.”
“It’s …” said Bethany, trailing off. “I mean, I know. But Charlie keeps shoving that shit in my face, telling me that he just tweaked the recipe and that I have to try it. I … can’t say no.”
“Then you need to get the hell out of that place,” said Honey. “If you can’t trust yourself not use if it’s in front of you, then you need to put as much distance between yourself and temptation as possible.”
“I know, I know,” said Bethany. “But I’m so close to having enough money to leave; I’m almost there.”
Honey rushed over to Bethany and took her hands into her own.
“That doesn’t matter if you die in the process,” said Honey. “This isn’t just some weed after work or something; this is serious shit. And people have been dying from this … fucking poison. Please, Bethany—I can’t lose you. Especially if I’ve got a baby on the way. Promise me that you’ll quit.”
Bethany looked away for a moment, her expression heavy with shame.
“Fine,” she said. “I’ll quit. I promise.”
“Thank you,” said Honey, wrapping her arms around Bethany and hugging her tight.
“Now,” said Bethany, wiping a tear away. “Let’s wait for this thing to tell us some good news.”
The minutes passed like hours, and after a time Honey checked the test and saw that her fears were true—she was pregnant.
“I can’t believe it,” said Honey, standing up and pacing around the apartment. “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m really pregnant with the baby of a man I barely know.”
“It’s okay,” said Bethany, stopping Honey from pacing around by putting her hand on her shoulder and pulling her close. “It’s gonna be great, you’ll see.”
“How do you know?” said Honey. “How do you know that this isn’t gonna end up with me living in a fucking alley somewhere, begging for money to live, barely able to support my own baby? Or what if I become one of those stripper single moms, one of those women who’re bringing home strange men in front of their kids. What if she turns out to be a stripper, too?”
“Oh,” said Bethany, the hint of a smile forming on her face. “That mean you want a little girl?”
“I … don’t know,” said Honey, now thinking about it. “I, um, I think I do.”
“This is a little person that you’re carrying right now, sweetie,” said Bethany. “Not a burden, and not a shame. This is a big deal, sure, but the only thing that you have to know now is that this means you’re about to have someone else to worry about, someone bigger than you. Your life isn’t just about yourself anymore. But it’s going to be for the best; I know it.”
Bethany’s words calmed Honey. She placed her hand on her belly and looked down; she couldn’t believe that there was really a person growing inside of her, a little boy or girl.
“But … what about Grit?”
“Who?” asked Bethany.
“Sorry,” said Honey. “That’s the guy’s name—Grit.”
“Weird fucking name,” said Bethany.
“No weirder than ‘Honey’.”
“Oh, come on,” said Bethany with a smile. “It’s like the DJ says every night—it’s because you’re so damn sweet.”
Honey smiled.
“It’ll be fine,” said Bethany. “If he’s a good man, he’ll do the right thing. But … maybe just wait a little while to tell him. You need to do some processing on your own before you lay it all at his feet. Go to him like you’re two people on the same team, not like you’re a woman in pieces who needs him to put you back together.”
Honey nodded, seeing the wisdom of Bethany’s words. She plopped down onto the nearby couch and shook her head.
“Things are gonna be different now,” said Honey. “I’m gonna need to make some changes in my life. But I think it’ll be for the best, you know? I can make my life better and give this kid a good life of her own. Maybe.”
Bethany sat down next to her and slipped her arm around Honey’s shoulders.
“I know you can, Honey.’
Honey looked up into the eyes of her friend and smiled. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt hopeful.