Chapter Forty-Seven

Katy

How much can a heart handle in one lifetime? I’m pretty sure I’ll never know the exact answer to that question, but the scars that mar mine make me hate the fucker for continuing to beat.

I’m lovesick, strung out, and so over it.

The occasion calls for a Xanax, so I take two. I’m not the one piloting the plane. Exiting the cab, I swallow them without a thing to drink. The bitter taste spreads throughout my mouth. The minute I step into the hotel lobby, I see his face.

Up on the monitor, is the half of my heart I’ve just abandoned, sitting in a tailored suit. He’s smiling for the cameras as he answers the questions with the same relaxed candor as when we met. He’s stoic in his delivery, his panty-melting smile and dimple on display so the rest of the world can fall in love with him.

I hope he finds so much love.

The TV is muted, but the caption is on. As I read the words, it feels like my chest is being rubbed against sandpaper. But I can’t look away. I watch as the announcer’s words pop up on screen.

It’s a shame she couldn’t be here today.

Chris nods. Yeah, she wasn’t feeling well.

She’s a fucking lunatic.

I’m trying to think of any reason for either of these men to love me at this point. In my moment of weakness, I miss Mullins. Oh, how I wish she was here to call me a pus-say. Laughing through my tears, I continue to gaze up at him on the screen.

So, how’s your time at home been?

Chris pauses, and in his silence, I see it—just a glimpse of his pain. He’s so strong, so handsome, so resilient. The brightest light in my darkest hour. I resist the urge to lift my fingers and touch the screen. It’s been good, been getting back into the routine.

Still a soldier, huh?

Most definitely. He flashes his teeth, adds a “Hooah!” for effect, and the audience goes wild. Unable to see anymore, I step away with a tearful smile when I spot Gavin watching me from a few feet away.

Not bothering to hide my tears, I wait for his move. There’s nothing more I can say or do at this point. We either fight together or fall apart. I’m guilty of exactly what he’s accusing me of. I’ve been fighting since I returned home for the half of me that still beats for him, and today I fought harder than ever before. Gavin approaches me, and I soften at the fact that he’s still here.

“You didn’t leave.”

“Didn’t make it past the lobby.”

“You determined to make me lose my shit in public, Captain?” I say, looking up at the ceiling as tears trail down my cheeks.

“You haven’t—” he whispers hoarsely, “you haven’t called me that since you’ve been home.”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t quite been myself,” I say with a sigh. “Please take me home to my son.”

Gavin nods and leads me toward the elevator.

Gavin is completely quiet on the plane ride home and the car ride after. It’s just as well; we’re still covered in the aftermath of our battle last night. The first thing I notice when I walk into the house is that it’s eerily quiet. In my haste, I hadn’t even looked for my mother’s car in the drive.

“Where are they?” I ask Gavin, who stands by the entryway with his packed suitcase still in hand. He’s halfway through the door which means he’s just made the decision.

“I had your mother take him to her place for a few days.”

“Oh,” I say, wiping at my eyes with my fingers, “because you’re leaving me.”

His face contorts in pain. “Katy, I need some space. We need a break.”

“Space,” I say with a laugh. He gauges my reaction, but I’m done with this show. “Because there’s no shortage of that.”

“I’m so fucking mad. I don’t want to turn this house into a war zone.”

“I get it,” I say, pulling my suitcase away from the door and dropping it on the floor between us. “But tell me something. The truth. It doesn’t matter that I chose you, does it? It doesn’t matter that I love you more, or that I want this marriage to work. You don’t even believe me.” I shake my head as he stands speechless. “Jesus. Go get your break, Gavin.”

Tears are falling heavily between us. “I’ll be here if you ever decide you can love me again.”

“Katy—”

“Think I’ll go enjoy some lemonade on my porch swing.”

“Baby—”

“Just in case you’re wondering, I still love you,” I say before hauling ass through the back door, unable to bear the sight of him walking out on me. I slam it shut and take a seat on the swing just as the sun begins to set. After a minute I hear his truck start up and allow myself to absorb the loss of him as I continue swinging until I’m blissfully numb.