“If I could go back, there’s so much I’d change.”

We were just down the street from my flat. I should tell Trev goodbye, say it was nice to see him, even though it had been anything but. It was confusing and painful, and most concerning, thrilling.

“You don’t need to say that. Whatever happened was meant to be. We were never supposed to work out, and that’s all there is to it,” I said and watched his features turn to stone. He looked like he didn’t agree and his jaw ticked.

I started to walk again and he followed. We’d just reached my building when he asked, “Have you been seeing anyone?”

The question made my heart burn and my palms grow sweaty. “There was someone but . . .”

His head tilted eagerly. “But?”

“He ended it,” I answered, not bothering to lie.

“Dumb bastard.”

I laughed softly. “He was actually pretty clever, worked as an archivist in Westminster.”

“Smart people can be dumb, too, you know,” said Trev.

I put my hand on the gate and bent my neck to look at him. “True, but that wasn’t the case with David. He was clever in every way. I just couldn’t seem to give him what he wanted.” I trailed off because I was revealing far too much. What are you doing, Reya?

“What did he want?” Trev seemed fascinated.

“What do we all want?” I asked back. “Love.”

“You didn’t love him?”

I shook my head. “I wanted to.”

“Did he love you?”

“He said he did, but I dunno. It never really felt right with him.” I sighed and opened my gate. I needed to end this conversation. “Back to the drawing board I guess. It was good seeing you today. I hope everything goes well with the filming.”

“Saying goodbye already?”

Turning back, I recognised that old glint in his eye. Sometimes I wondered if he even realised he was using it. It was the one that always got him whatever he wanted, but it wouldn’t work on me. Not today. Not anymore.

“I’m afraid so. I have a lesson in an hour and there’s a stack of laundry I need to deal with before I go.”

Trev stared me down as though trying to figure out if I was lying. I wasn’t, but even if I had a free day ahead of me I wouldn’t have invited him in. My flat was tiny and being in such a tight space would only heighten the unwelcome feelings I was having. He studied me for so long I thought he might’ve been magically frozen in place.

He swallowed and glanced away for a second. Several thoughts passed over his face before he spoke. “Okay, can we arrange to meet up tomorrow then?”

I arched an eyebrow. “Why?”

His expression was very open. “Because I’d like to see you again.”

I studied him, trying to figure out what his game was. If there was a game at all. Maybe he really did just want to see me. He had always enjoyed my company, after all, and vice versa. Still, I swallowed and met his gaze as I replied steadily, “I’m busy tomorrow, too.”

There was brief flash of unhappiness in his eyes at my answer. A conflict warred just beneath the surface, and I got the sense he was going to argue with me. But then, as though he’d mentally tamped down the urge, he said, “All right, well, maybe I’ll catch you around.”

I nodded and turned to walk inside. His words stopped me.

“You look beautiful, by the way.”

I didn’t move.

“I’ve been wanting to say that since I saw you at the restaurant.”

I still didn’t move or turn to face him and he let out a long sigh. “I guess I deserve this.”

I couldn’t take any more so I simply slotted my key in the door. It wasn’t until I was safe inside my flat that I let myself cry. My skin felt cold and hot all at once, and my pores beaded with goose pimples. I ached. I realised with stark clarity how much I still felt for him. This was bad. It was worse than bad. It was dangerous. Because if he pushed even a tiny bit more, my defences would crack. He’d manoeuvre his way back into my life, and I’d repeat the cycle of falling for him and being devastated all over again.

I started on my dirty laundry but let a bunch of clothes fall to the floor as lyrics flooded my head. I fumbled for a pen and paper and began scribbling them down before I forgot.

You come back

My back is up

You try to open the door

I slam it shut

You look at me like you used to

But it’s not really the same

You’re different, changed

And despite all my strength

I want to know why

I want to open the door

I put the pen down and bit my lip. The words that spilled out worried me, because often my subconscious knew more than my conscious mind. I was like a dog who got kicked over and over again, but my heart was too fickle to remember how bad it hurt, so I came running back every time, tongue out, tail wagging.

Two days went by and to my relief I didn’t see Trev again. Tuesday I was getting ready for my girls’ night over at Karla’s. I worried that he might be there, but reminded myself he lived in a swanky penthouse by the Thames nowadays. It was unlikely he’d be at Casa Cross.

I put on some comfy grey leggings, a purple camisole, and a long, knit cardigan. I also wore my UGGS, well, my imitation UGGS, because those shoes were expensive. Still, even though they were fakes they were still the most comfortable shoes I owned. If somebody makes it so I can get away with wearing slippers outdoors, I’m all for that shit.

I took the tube to Hackney and arrived at Karla’s at seven thirty, a plastic shopping bag on my arm with wine and chocolate, because of course. Alexis and Karla answered the door looking like they’d already had a few.

“Reya, c’mere. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Alexis crooned as she pulled me into a hug.

I chuckled and drew away. “No, but feel free.”

“Well, I do. I love all of you,” she went on tipsily, with a dramatic hand gesture.

Karla laughed. She wasn’t nearly as merry as Alexis, not yet.

“This is her first night out of the house in two months,” she explained.

“Yes, and I’m making the most of it,” Alexis added. She had a young son who took up the majority of her time, so I didn’t blame her for wanting to let loose. Her partner, King, must’ve been taking care of little Oliver tonight.

They led me inside the living room where Trev’s cousin, Sophie, and Andie, his brother Stu’s partner, sat with glasses of wine in hand. Everybody was well ahead of me.

“Hi, ladies,” I greeted as I handed my bag off to Karla. “More supplies.”

She nodded happily and I took a seat beside Andie on the couch. Somebody had put on a DVD of Vikings—for obvious reasons. I was a big fan of the show because I liked my mythology with a side of hairy, muscled plunderers.

“I’m sorry about the other day,” said Karla, sitting on the armchair by the window. “I haven’t had the chance to apologise yet, but I promise I never planned for Trev to horn in on our lunch. He just showed up and as soon as Lee mentioned we were going to meet you, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I brushed her off. “It’s fine. I know what he’s like. Don’t worry about it.”

“You haven’t seen him in a long while, right?” said Andie, her kind brown eyes landing on me.

“Nope. Not for almost two years. It was . . . weird,” I admitted. It nearly shattered me.

“I’ll bet,” said Alexis. “Little bastard should’ve known better than to ambush you like that.”

“Hey!” Karla protested. “That’s my kid brother-in-law you’re talking about.”

“Yes, and you know as well as I do how poorly he treated Reya. She was his best friend for years. Then as soon as he gets a bit of fame he dropped her like a hot potato.”

That familiar burn in my chest assaulted me. I knew Alexis was tipsy and simply speaking her mind, but it still hurt to be reminded.

“He didn’t drop her. They both decided to end things,” Karla corrected her.

“Is that true?” Andie asked, her voice soft. Obviously, she was the one with the most tact.

I rubbed my chest as I spoke. “Yes. Well, kind of. I hardly ever got to see him and it just wasn’t working out, so I suggested we call it a day.”

“You suggested it?” Alexis exclaimed. “I didn’t know that.”

“That’s because it’s none of your business,” said Karla.

“So tell me,” she went on, making a sweeping hand gesture.

Karla shot her a hard look but strangely I didn’t mind talking about it. The past two days I’d been a bubbling pot of unresolved feelings and I wanted to get them out. That was often the drawback of living alone. There was no one to vent to.

“You probably know by now that Trev has ADHD,” I started. He’d been resistant to telling his family at first, but like most things, it all eventually came out. “It was undiagnosed for a long time, because well, you know how things were for the family growing up.” I paused and shared a look with Sophie, but she didn’t seem offended by me mentioning her childhood. Trev and his brothers, alongside Sophie, had managed to evade social services as kids and instead found a way to survive on their own. That way involved stealing cars and working for a dangerous criminal, but that was a story for another day.

Concentrating back on the topic at hand, I continued, “It’s why he’s always been such a livewire, hard to pin down. He found out around the time he got offered to do the show, and he’d planned on starting treatment but . . . it didn’t work out so well.”

“Why not?” Alexis asked, frowning.

I exhaled a long breath. Karla and Sophie were already aware of Trev’s situation, but it was news to Alexis and Andie. “Well, he started taking medication and seeing a therapist, but he hated how the pills made him feel. After a couple of weeks, he stopped taking them completely. Everyone he worked with turned a blind eye because when Trev’s on a high it makes for great TV. I’m sure all of you know how captivating he is to watch.” I paused and took a sip of the wine Karla poured for me. “Anyway, he might as well have been living on another planet back then. I couldn’t keep up. It only hurt to be with him but never truly have him, you know? So I decided it was best to end it.”

“And how did Trevor feel about that?” Andie questioned.

I swallowed. “He got angry but I think he knew it was never going to work. I think he loved his new life too much to sacrifice any of it for me.”

A silence fell. Sophie was the one to break it when she said, “My cousin’s a twat.”

“He wasn’t well,” said Karla, ever the mother of the group. “You know that, Sophie. He’s getting better now.”

What she said piqued my interest. “Is he?” I asked.

Her eyes came to me. “Yes, he’s been adamant about making a change. I’ve never seen him so determined. There’s a new maturity to him. I’m sure you noticed it at lunch.”

“I did. I guess I’ve been wondering if it’s real.”

“It’s real, hon. I didn’t tell you because I know you don’t like talking about him, but he had a very hard time of it last year. Everything got out of control. He realised he couldn’t keep living how he was.”

“What happened?” Alexis enquired, and I was glad she asked. I was dying to know and wondered if it had something to do with his mysterious girlfriend, Nicole.

Karla’s mouth formed a tight line. “That’s not my story to tell.”

Great, now she was keeping schtum. The more I discovered about Trev and the changes he was making, the more I wanted to know. And wanting to know stuff about Trevor Cross was a recipe for trouble.

“How about we crack open the nail polish?” Sophie suggested. “I’m in the mood for some hot pink, who wants to do mine?”

“I will,” I volunteered, glad for the distraction. Two hours and four bottles of wine later we were all merry and talking boisterously about which Viking we’d like to . . . see more of. It was only when I heard the front door open that I snapped into alertness. My nails were painted a shade titled ‘Mango Madness’ and it seemed apt for how I felt when Lee, Stu and Trev walked into the living room.

“This place smells like booze and acetone. You ladies sure know how to party,” Lee commented with a wry grin.

I sat up straight and my eyes connected with Trev’s almost instantly. He stood by the door, his attention leisurely moving over my form before returning to my face. He gave a nod of acknowledgment, but I didn’t return it. Couldn’t. I hadn’t expected him to show up, and now I was far too tipsy to deal with his presence in a ladylike fashion.

Stu sat down next to Andie, meaning I had to scoot to the edge of the couch. Lee slid in beside Karla and Trev perched on the armrest right next to me. I braced myself and stayed quiet. The others chatted while I tried not to do or say anything unwise, in other words—wine fuelled. I could sense Trev’s attention on me.

“So, what’ve you all been up to?” Stu asked.

“Having pillow fights and swapping sex stories?” Trev suggested saucily.

“Yes, Trevor,” Karla sighed. “That is exactly what we were doing.”

“Wishful thinking.” He winked and held up his hands.

“How did the game go?” Karla asked, and I realised they must’ve been off seeing a football match.

“We won 3-1,” Lee answered proudly and placed a kiss on her temple. He went into more detail but I zoned out, as I was prone to when sport was the topic of conversation.

“I like your boots,” said Trev quietly, nodding to my feet.

“Thanks,” I answered stiffly, not meeting his eyes.

“They look like something Santa would wear.”

“Everybody knows Santa’s boots are black,” I replied tersely.

“Not true. The world thinks he wears a red suit when in fact, his original getup was green. He could very well have worn brown boots.”

“Keep talking. I’m fascinated,” I deadpanned, and his expression warmed with humour even though I was being a salty bitch. He did always take a perverse pleasure in my sour moods.

“You need a lift home or anything?”

His offer took me off guard. “Um, no, that’s okay. Thanks.”

“You sure? I’m not drinking much these days so I’m well used to being the designated driver.”

I arched a brow and turned to look at him. “You aren’t?”

“Nope. I’m trying the whole ‘my body is a temple’ shtick.” He gestured to the fitted, long-sleeved T-shirt he wore. “You think it’s working?”

I couldn’t help my scoff. Trev had always been a zero-per cent-body-fat type. He never even had to try. I would say it made me sick, if I didn’t enjoy looking at him so much. I was the opposite. I only had to glance at a cake and I put on five pounds. I had to work out and watch what I ate simply to keep out of the obesity range. My sister, Paula, used to say I had childbearing hips, but they were cake hips and we both knew it.

Thoughts of my sister had a different sort of ache swelling inside me but I tried my best to push it aside. It was always a sore spot when any of my family wheedled their way into my head.

“I’m pretty sure you know the answer to that question already,” I finally replied. There was a sharpness in my voice I hadn’t intended, but it came out anyway.

“True, but sometimes it’s nice to be told.”

“Fine, your body is quite the temple. Happy?”

“Wine used to make you more agreeable. Now it just makes you cranky.”

“Maybe it’s not the wine,” I threw back pointedly and stood from the couch to address the room. “Ladies, it’s been lovely, but I have to get going. Same time next month, yeah?”

I didn’t wait for an answer and instead grabbed my things and fled the room. I was already out the door when someone caught my arm. I turned and Trev looked at me in concern.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asked, his hand firm at my elbow.

I blew out a breath and shook my head. “No, I just . . . I can’t be around you, Trev. I’m sorry.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

His eyes moved back and forth between mine. He didn’t let go of me for a long moment then blurted, “I want another chance.” What?

I sputtered a laugh. “Are you high?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at his temples. “Shit, that came out wrong. I don’t mean romantically. I want another chance at being your friend.”

I yanked my arm away and started walking again. “I’m too drunk right now for this conversation.”

He caught up to me easily. “If you’re too drunk for this conversation then you’re too drunk to make your own way home. Let me drive you.”

“I’ll get a taxi.”

“Reya.”

The tone of his voice had me turning around. “What?”

He gave me a no-nonsense look. “Quit being a bitch.”

I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I burst out laughing. This whole situation was ridiculous. He was Trev. I knew him better than I knew anyone, and here we were, arguing like a pair of bratty children. Actually no, I was arguing like a bratty child. He was being surprisingly mature.

“Fine. You can drive me home,” I said and started walking toward the only car on the street expensive enough to be his, a black 4X4, because you know, London had so many unwieldy terrains to contend with.

I opened the door and slid into the passenger seat before he could say anything. He was chuckling low at my presumption when he got in the driver’s side and started the engine.

I let out a sigh as he started to drive in the direction of my flat. “I’m sorry for being curt with you. It’s just weird having you around after all this time, especially given how successful you’ve become. It makes me feel like a failure.”

Crap! Why did I say that? I’d obviously had too much wine tonight. I mentally facepalmed and wished for magical tape to seal my mouth shut.

Trev frowned at me then back at the road. “What makes you think you’re a failure? More importantly, what makes you think I’m a success?”

I snorted and made a very eloquent hand gesture around the fancy-as-fuck car we were in. Nobody was giving me a Classy Lady of the Year award any time soon.

Trev’s lips twitched in a smile. “Nice stuff doesn’t equate to success. Not in my book. If you knew half the bullshit I’ve been through in the last year you wouldn’t want to swap with me for a second.”

I studied him closely. “What happened in the last year?”

Trev’s hand tightened reflexively on the steering wheel. “You really want to know?”

“I really do.”

He exhaled and took his time responding. “So, do you remember me mentioning my ex yesterday, Nicole?”

I nodded.

“I met her about ten months ago. Worst thing to ever happen to me. I didn’t know it at the time, of course.”

“Of course.”

His lips twitched again and he continued talking. “She was a big fan of the show.”

I brought my hands to my face and winced. “You got involved with a fan? Oh, Trevor.”

His jaw tensed. “Not my finest hour, I’ll admit. But Nicole was beautiful. She was a model, but she was clever, too. She had a wicked sense of humour, which was one of the first things that attracted me to her.”

Against my better judgement, I stewed in a morsel of jealousy. Okay, more than a morsel. Shut up. “Sounds like she was the whole package.”

He emitted a joyless laugh. “Yeah, the whole package with a side of nut job. Callum still calls her Yoko.”

I chuckled.

“I didn’t see the signs at first, but she started doing little things that waved warning signals. She’d check the messages on my phone, tell me to delete social media statuses she didn’t agree with, ask me why I accepted friend requests from girls even if they were real-life mates of mine.”

I braced myself, because I could see where this was heading. I actually felt sorry for him, which was new because for the last two years, Trev had been someone I resented in my head. Someone I felt envious of and hated for leaving me behind so he could live his dream life.

“There was more, but I won’t go into every single incident, otherwise we’d be here all night. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she accused me of cheating on her and thrashed my flat. I hadn’t cheated, just so you know, but someone had given my phone number to a girl who wanted to get with me. Nicole found a suggestive message and lost the plot. Two days later, my manager called me in for a meeting. Nicole claimed to have a sex tape of us and had threatened to put it online. It’s not like it would’ve ruined my career if she did. In fact, it probably would’ve heightened my profile, but I just felt sick at the idea of her doing something like that, you know?”

“God, Trev, I had no idea . . .” I breathed.

He shook his head. “Anyway, I paid her off and the whole thing went away. It turned out she didn’t even have a video. She was just doing it to get back at me, even though I never bloody cheated to begin with.”

It sounded like he was better off without her if I was being honest. On instinct, I reached out and placed my hand on his. He let out a sharp breath and our eyes connected. Heat spread through me and I quickly pulled away. Touching him was definitely not a good idea.

“After that whole shitstorm I knew I had to make a change. I had to be more selective about who I let into my life. Nicole was the final catalyst, but there’d been a whole string of crazies, all out for what I could give them. I was just so . . . tired of it all. You know how they say be careful what you wish for?”

I nodded but didn’t speak.

“Well, I got exactly what I wanted and realised it was a million miles away from what I needed. I feel so much better now. So much more grounded,” he said, after a moment of silence. We’d just pulled up outside my flat. I wanted to leave but I also wanted to stay. I wanted to talk to him, because although the story of Nicole was awful, it had been nice to have a conversation with him. When we talked it almost felt like no time had passed and we were back to being friends.

Trev climbed out of the car and came around to open my door for me. When I emerged he walked me to my door, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Have you found a new club to play at yet?” he asked, and there was a hesitance to his voice I found curious.

I shook my head. “Not yet. I have a few meetings tomorrow though, so fingers crossed.”

He sliced his teeth across his lower lip and opened his mouth to speak. When no words came, I folded my arms and studied him. “What is it?”

“I have something I want to say but I’m not sure how you’re going to react.”

“So say it and you’ll find out.”

His eyes narrowed infinitesimally. “Our PA is going on maternity leave next week.”

“Okay.”

“We need someone to fill in for her, but Jo is so great and it’s hard to find the right person. She takes no shit, you know? We’ve been interviewing temps, but half of them are rabid fans and the other half aren’t qualified.”

“You only have one PA between all five of you?” I questioned, still not getting where he was going with this.

“No, we have two. When we’re done filming, Neil, our second PA, will be able to handle the workload on his own, but we need someone for Europe. It’s going to be too busy for just one person.”

“Ah, right,” I said.

“I think we should give you the job,” he blurted, and I placed a hand on my hip.

“Me?” I scoffed, incredulous.

“Yes, you. Why not?”

“I’m a musician, Trev, not a PA.”

“Yeah, but you’re a quick learner, and I know you wouldn’t take any bullshit from us, the same as Jo. We need someone to keep us in line, make sure everything runs smoothly during the day, but your evenings would be your own. You could book some gigs. I think it’d be a great opportunity for you to play in new places, and all your expenses would be paid for.”

I stared at him, not knowing if I should slap him across the face or kiss him on the mouth. It was a great opportunity. Strike that. It was an amazing opportunity, but as with most things in life, there was a catch. I got a free trip around Europe, but I had to be with Trev every day, the one man who ever got close enough to break my heart. There was just too much risk for me to say yes.

Not only that but he said he wanted another chance at being friends. And he was specific to point out it wasn’t romantic. If I travelled with him, I’d see first-hand the girls fawning all over him. See up-close and personal the women he had sex with. Why the fuck would I say yes to that?

“It’s a very kind offer, Trev, but I can’t.”

“Why not?” he asked and stepped closer. It didn’t help that I could smell him, his clean, manly scent.

“Y-you know why not. And besides, I’m hopeful about these meetings I have lined up tomorrow. I’ll have new work in no time.”

The disappointment in his eyes was palpable, especially given how close he was. And somehow, I felt guilty. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make the offer, given our past.

“Okay, well, I just thought I’d ask. Good luck for tomorrow,” he said and I turned around to open my door. When I stepped inside he was already back at his car. He waited for me to close the door before I heard him start the engine and pull away.

Even as I went inside my flat and changed into some pyjamas, the whole encounter just didn’t sit right with me.

Three years. Three whole years we’d been best friends before we parted ways, and it had only blossomed into more because he had pursued me. Persistently. But now? Now he drove away. He left. Just as he left two years ago. Better to not get too close, Reya. You won’t survive it when he leaves and never bothers for that second chance again.

With a deep, resigned exhale I climbed into bed and pulled the covers tight around me.