I first notice that FC isn’t walking quite like he normally does, as if he’s in some discomfort. Then, when we get inside, he eases himself back slowly until his back touches the cushions of the couch.
“FC, what’s wrong with you?”
He thumbs to his back. “I got hurt while working. Look, Idaline, I didn’t intend to come here. I decided to go for a drive, get away from home, and next thing I know, I’m here and spying on you.” He dips his head to study his lap. “Hope everything is okay with you and Justin.”
Great. He saw part of our argument. Ever since Justin told me he loves me, he’s been alternating between patiently and impatiently waiting for me to say it back. Tonight, he was extra impatient because he was apparently expecting me to say I love him on Christmas Day and he was already annoyed with me because I’ve been preoccupied with worry over FC. This feeling I had had nagged me all day that something was wrong with FC and that I needed to call him. The longer I ignored it, the louder it got and the more I worried. I had to call him. However, FC stayed on my mind long after I talked to him because I didn’t believe that he was actually okay.
So, Justin was mad about that and it constantly came up how he loved me and I apparently didn’t love him. I keep telling him I’m not going to rush myself into saying something until I’m certain of my feelings and I’m simply not certain yet. He doesn’t understand how I don’t know for sure at this point. I don’t know either, but that’s the way it is.
And that’s how I lost my boyfriend right before the new year.
“Do you want something to drink?” I ask. FC winces as if I just slapped him. “What is it?”
“I relapsed recently,” he admits. “I almost don’t regret it either.”
That doesn’t sound like a positive thing to say after a relapse.
“I’m not ruining your life by showing up here, am I?”
“You’re always welcome, Festus Camry.”
FC grants me the most handsome smile I’ve seen in a while. “You think I might be named after a car?”
I shrug. “How do I know your family doesn’t have some kind of history with Toyotas?”
FC grunts a little as he leans over to hug me. “Don’t hug me back because I’m still sore and sensitive, but I had to at least give you a hug. I’m glad I’m here even if I didn’t mean to show up.” He pulls away with a smile.
“How have you been sleeping?” He seems okay, but not exactly comfortable.
“On my stomach or on my side,” he answers simply.
I shake my head as I stand. “Come on.” Without waiting to see if he’ll follow, I walk to my bedroom and lie on my stomach, stuffing a pillow under my head. I hear footsteps shuffling closer within a few seconds.
“Trying to get me in bed already, Idaline?” he teases while he grits and clenches his jaw in order to climb into bed.
“Yeah, because you’re so sexy while you’re injured. What did you even do to your back? Do you want me to take a look at it?”
“I’m fine. Why don’t you tell me what I’ve missed?”
“I don’t want to talk about how things have been,” I tell him.
FC frowns. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“Mr. Fish is still alive,” I say happily, glancing down the bed toward where my fish sits on a dresser on the opposite wall.
“He’s a strong, determined little swimmer,” FC says with a hint of laughter in his voice. “What did you do for Christmas?”
“The usual. Seeing my family. How was time with your family?”
“It was good, relaxing.” He doesn’t mention Lila being there. Does that mean he’s still with her? “Can I spend the last day of the year and the first day of the year with you?” he asks.
That’s a lot of time and my soul screams yes, charging to FC before I can stop it. But it’s taken time to get used to not having him around and if we spend a lot of time together, he’ll ruin the progress I’ve made, not that I’m sure I care. I still find myself saying, “We’re not even supposed to be communicating right now, according to what you want, FC.”
“I know, but we have free time to do whatever we want. Unless you have plans with Justin, then you’ll be alone and I don’t want to face the real world yet, so let’s spend the time together.”
Wait. “So after this, we’re going back to not talking to each other again?”
“Maybe,” he sighs with regret. “Everything’s up in the air right now and I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”
I fall back onto the bed. “FC,” I whisper, not liking the sound of this.
He reaches over to link his pinky with mine. That one little action has my heartbeat thundering. “Let’s spend New Year’s together and we’ll figure the rest out as we go.”
This is crazy. Everything within me screams that it is and that maybe we shouldn’t on the off chance that Justin wants to make up and get back together, but I already know my answer is yes. There’s no way I could ever turn down an opportunity like this.
“What would you like to do then?” I ask. “Anything in particular?”
My heart melts into one big puddle of goo at the smile FC gives me.
“Right now, all I want to do is lie here with you.”
My heart leaps out of my chest. Even though we’re lying here completely innocent, my heart is ready for more. It’s as if something is about to happen between us, though nothing will. Not that more can happen. He’s with Lila still.
FC links our fingers together and stares into my eyes. “I know I’ve been asking a lot of you, Idaline, and I’m grateful you’ve stuck with me through this.” He glances down at where our hands rest between us and then back at me. “You’ll always do that, won’t you? I’ll always be able to count on you to be there even if I’m going through some shit I don’t want to tell you about at the moment.”
I rest my other hand on top of his, my heart beating ever faster. “I’ll always be right here, FC. No matter what.” Honestly, I can’t think up a situation where I would walk away from him once and for all.
“Wiggle over here so I can hug you and kiss your cheek,” he tells me, and I do so without hesitation. He places one arm around me, but rests his lips on my forehead instead. “You have no idea how much it means to me to know I’ll never lose you.”
My eyes nearly roll into the back of my head as his lips brush against my forehead as he speaks. It’s bad enough that his body heat sends tingles through my body and that it’s clear he’s…excited right now. Being near him like this has my mouth moving before I can think about what I’m saying. “Justin broke up with me tonight.”
Silence.
His fingertips still move in circles on my back, but the only sound we hear is our breathing for the longest five seconds before he speaks.
“Lila and I broke up recently, too.”
Memories of that first and last kiss we had overtakes my mind just as much as it hits me that we’re both single right this very moment. Again, I react without thinking. I pull away enough to move my mouth to his. My soul sings praises to the heavens and my mind seems to relax as if it hasn’t in such a long time.
My fingers curl into his T-shirt when FC pulls away. No. He doesn’t need to do that. I want more. I need more. I’ve been waiting twelve years for this moment. My eyes squeeze closed as tight as they can. I don’t want to know what he’ll say or see the rejection.
“Idaline,” he whispers. “I don’t think we should do this.”
“I don’t care about shoulds or shouldn’ts, FC,” I tell him as I open my eyes, seeing the fire and desire in his. “I care about wants and needs. I want to do this and that’s all I care about.”
“You don’t understand.” It doesn’t sound like he understands. He gently brushes a stray strand of hair away from my face. “I can’t promise more right now. “
“FC, you’re not listening. I don’t want to talk about your secrets or whatever you’re going through, especially since you aren’t willing to do so anyway. I’m talking about right now, right this second. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow or next week or a year from now. All I’m asking for is tonight and then we’ll go back to normal if we have to.” He still seems so unsure, so I remind him of something important. “I already told you I wouldn’t go anywhere. That includes after this, if it happens.”
“Are you sure?”
I kiss him once again. Nothing in my life compares to the feeling I get when he rolls on top of me. To think that it will get better as we progress is mind blowing and has my body eager for more.
“We missed the countdown,” FC says as he tugs me closer to his naked body.
“Who cares,” I reply, causing him to laugh. I’d much rather have entered the new year making love with FC than counting down the seconds until we officially entered the new year.
“Tell me a secret,” he whispers in my ear and then kisses my jaw.
Feeling braver than ever, I tell him something I probably wouldn’t have ever said had we not crossed this line tonight. Faintly, barely loud enough that I can hear myself, I say, “I think you’re my soulmate.” He takes a deep breath and rests his forehead against my shoulder, kissing the bare skin there. “What’s yours?” I ask, deciding I don’t want him to respond or acknowledge my secret.
“I think you’re mine,” he quietly responds. My heart explodes, sending bits and pieces of itself all around my chest. Did he really say that? “And it pisses me off that I can’t be with you right now.”
And here comes the rain on my parade. I don’t know why. He told me he couldn’t be with me. That we couldn’t have more than tonight. If he thinks it pisses him off that we can’t be together, then he has no idea how pissed I am that he won’t tell me shit about what he’s going through.
“Do you not trust me, FC?”
He lifts his head and props himself up on his arm. “What? Of course I do. Why?”
“Then why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Why can’t we be together? I’ve waited twelve years for this. How much longer do I have to wait?”
“It has nothing to do with you,” he tries to tell me, but I’m not so sure I believe that. FC sighs. “Look, I didn’t even want my parents to know, okay? But I had to tell them.”
“Know what?” I demand as I sit up and lean against the headboard.
FC pulls himself up to sit next to me and pulls my tense body against his. “It breaks my heart to think about telling you what’s going on.” That, I believe. There’s so much anguish in his voice, it breaks my heart. “Give me some time to get my life settled. To get away from everything and have some time to process it myself, to prepare myself for telling you. There’s never been a question of if I would tell you, only a matter of when. Please don’t fight me on this, Idaline.”
Hearing FC beg is the worst sound to assault my ears. As much as I wish he’d let me in and that we could be together right now, I find myself saying, “Okay. I’ll wait.”
“If we really are soulmates, we’ll find our way to being together permanently one day.”
One day.
It’s always one day with FC. Always looking to the future and waiting. Does it make me a sucker or an idiot that I can’t seem to stop doing that? He’s had his claws in me long before we slept together and I never once honestly thought about giving up on him. Can’t say I’m entertaining the thought now either. But to know that I could have him but because of whatever is going on in his life that he won’t tell me about I can’t? It’s torture. Does he want me to wait for him, for a time when we can be together? I’ll do it. My soul has already agreed. Does he want us to revert to friends only? What does he want from me now?
“What are we supposed to do now?” I ask.
FC leans his head back and stares up at the ceiling. “I don’t know what my future holds or when I’ll feel ready to have more with you, so I won’t ask you to wait for me. After this, I guess we’ll consider things back to normal and if a day comes when we’re both unattached and if you still want something, then we’ll jump on the chance.”
Yep. This is worse. He’s mine, yet he’s not. I’ll have him while I’m with him right now, but after that, I have to let him go until he’s ready. Words to say, to respond to him, never come, so we’re quiet until he hooks a finger under my chin to turn my head toward him. One kiss from him leads to much more. Not that I mind. If this is all I get from him, I want to make the most of every single second.
In the morning over breakfast, I ask, “Are you moving back to Raleigh now?”
“I don’t know yet,” FC answers, surprising me. He said he saw himself back in Raleigh, so if his relationship is over with Lila, why stay? “Hey, what’s the sad look for? We should be able to go back to talking like normal.”
Two things happen at once. FC’s phone dings and there’s a knock on my door. His eyes widen and he drops his phone.
“Holy fuck.” FC stands. “Idaline, I have to go.” He grabs his phone, keys, and bag, and I have to hurry to follow him before he leaves.
“Wait. What’s going on?”
He whips around as he reaches my front door to cup my face and kiss me as hard as he can. My knees give, causing me to fall against him. It’s moments like this when we’re connected and our mouths speak to one another for us that my soul twists with his, linking tighter and tighter until we’ll soon be inseparable.
But then, he’s gone, pulling away from me. “We might be one step closer to being together. I’ll message you when I can.”
He swings the door open. At the sight of Justin, I remember that someone knocked not too long ago. FC doesn’t even acknowledge him or wait to help me explain things. He rushes past him and actually runs to his car. We both watch him squeal tires as he pulls out of the parking lot.
“I see you’ve already moved on. I hope I didn’t cause him to leave,” Justin says blandly.
“We didn’t know it was you outside. Some kind of emergency came up.” I fold my arms over my chest, and it causes me to remember I’m still in my pajamas.
“Good to know he’s still keeping secrets from you. I was going to come over and try to make up with you, but I’m second-guessing it now that I know FC was here last night.” His eyes harden on me. “Did something happen between the two of you?” He reaches out and brushes his thumb over my lips. “I’m leaning toward yes considering how you look right now.” Justin shakes his head as his hand falls. “I knew there was something more between the two of you.”
“Justin,” I begin, not sure exactly what I’m going to say.
“We broke up last night, Idaline!” he shouts.
“Because you gave up on me,” I remind him.
“No. Because you’re obviously in love with someone else and you didn’t have the guts to tell me that. Instead, you led me on and wasted my time.”
Justin turns on his heel and stalks off. I didn’t lead him on, did I? I wasn’t with FC and I was doing my best to give my all to being in a relationship with Justin because that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be with someone else, someone like Justin.
Because you couldn’t be with FC, a voice whispers in my head.
Well, now I feel like a terrible person. Justin has every reason to be upset with me. I probably should have never been in a relationship with him. And unless I get rid of these feelings for FC, or cut him out of my life completely, I shouldn’t date anyone else.