Karen, Lila’s mother, texted me. Lila is in labor. Sawyer isn’t due until March! It’s too soon. She’s only thirty-three weeks pregnant. As soon as I’m in the car, I call my parents.
Other than that, they are on their way, one of the first things they tell me is, “FC, you shouldn’t go to the hospital. There’s a restraining order.”
“I don’t care!” I fire back. “My kid could very well be born today, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to the hospital because there’s a restraining order against Lila.” I want to make sure he gets the name I want, too. I need to make sure he’s okay, most importantly. Secondly, I want to find out why she’s going into labor so early. What the fuck did Lila do? I wouldn’t put it past her to somehow get the process going early just so I’d have to come back and see her sooner. If it’s possible to do such a thing, she probably did it.
My nerves are so on edge that I’m so fucking tempted to buy cigarettes on the way there, but that part of my life is officially over. Sawyer will never smell the stench from smoking or alcohol on me. My stomach revolts over the contents of breakfast, wanting to shove them back up my throat, but I don’t have time to throw up. I need to get to the hospital and check on my son.
By the time I get to the hospital and tell them who I am, I’m quickly ushered into a waiting room where Karen anxiously waits with Lila’s father, Bobby.
“No one’s with her? What’s happening?”
“She’s giving birth,” her mother explains. “We were made to wait here.” She doesn’t say whether that’s due to Lila or the doctors. “We’re glad you’re here, FC. Maybe now that the baby is coming you two can get over your issues and act like adults.”
Oh, what a bitch. I sit in the chair across from her, leaning forward with my elbows resting on my knees. “Let me tell you how this is going to work, Karen. I’m here for Sawyer. My relationship with your daughter is over. I plan to fight for full custody of my child and either you can help me, or you can support not only Lila, but her and what I don’t pay in child support. How does that sound?” She opens her mouth, but I don’t let her speak. “You and I both know she’s a terrible girlfriend and if you don’t believe me, I’ll show you what she did to my back. She trapped me with this baby and I’ll be damned if I trust her to raise him. He’s mine. So unless you want to pay for her lawyer and fight me in court until I get what I want, I suggest you figure out a way to talk some sense into her and make the process go smoothly.”
“You can’t take her child from her,” Karen protests.
“Don’t tell me I can’t take a child she doesn’t want. That she’s only having because she thinks it’ll make me stay with her. I will because that’s what’s best for Sawyer. I have months’ worth of documentation and photographs from where she’s…” I falter on the word, not sure I can say it anymore. “I have proof she’s not a good person. You give me a week with her around my son and I bet you all the money in my bank account that she’s an unfit mother.”
Karen purses her lips and Bobby says, “We want to be in our grandchild’s life, FC.”
“I don’t have a problem with that. My problem is with Lila. The only reason I’m telling you what I plan to do is because you are the dumb asses who support her, so you’ll foot the lawyer’s bill. If you care anything about Sawyer, you’ll help me in whatever way you can.”
Just then, a doctor comes into the room. “Lila is recovering just fine and we have a baby boy, weighing in at exactly four pounds.”
I stand. “I’d like to see my son.”
“He’s still being looked over, but I can bring you on back.”
Apparently, Lila refuses to hold Sawyer, giving some lame ass excuse. When I first see him, it’s in the nursery. Damn, he’s so tiny. They have him in this device to warm him up because his temperature is too low. I crouch to be eye level with his body, so I can talk to him.
“Hey, Sawyer,” I say softly, tears spilling over when his head turns toward me. “Don’t worry about being in this thing or anything else that happens in this place. You’ll be okay. You’re a Hart and that means you’re one tough boy. If I can survive what I have, you can certainly survive being born a little early.”
I wipe away the tears and take a moment to compose myself. Who knew my heart would feel so full right now? He’s such a beautiful baby. “I know you haven’t felt much love yet, but now that we can spend some time together, you will. I’ll take care of everything for us.”
“Sir?”
Standing upright, I turn and see a nurse. “Yes?”
“You can reach in and hold his hand if you’d like.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Does he have a name yet?” she asks as she gets me all ready to hold my son’s hand.
“Sawyer Nash Hart. Lila didn’t tell y’all?”
“She didn’t.”
I swear, if she tries to change his name, I might explode. One minute I’m talking to the nurse and the next, my hand is inside the incubator, my son’s hand clutched around my finger. My heart has died a happy death just now.
“FC?”
The sound of Lila’s voice causes me to whirl around.
“What are you doing out of bed?”
“I heard you were here.” She slowly shuffles over to us. “Does this mean we’re okay?” she asks as she stares at Sawyer. There’s no emotion on her face. None. She looks as impassive as ever. She doesn’t ask to touch him either.
“This means I wanted to see my son.” I turn away from her, angling so my back is toward her, but I keep my hand with Sawyer’s.
“We have a child together, FC,” she whines.
“Doesn’t mean I have to be with you,” I fire back. “You shouldn’t have come in here. There’s a restraining order and you should avoid me as much as possible.”
The fire in her eyes is there in a flash. Here’s the Lila I’ve become so close to. “What the fuck was that even about, FC? How could you do that to me?” Her voice rises enough that a nurse looks our way.
“Why don’t you return to your room? We’re not arguing in a room of babies, especially ours. If you continue to argue with me, it’ll just show me how much you don’t give a shit about him.”
The glare she gives could kill me. If we were at home, she’d hit me. Thankfully, a nurse comes over and convinces her she shouldn’t be out of bed yet and she really should go back to her room.
Every second I can, I spend with Sawyer. Every second I don’t have to spend with Lila, I don’t. She does allow me to name him still. By that time, my parents have arrived. Poor Sawyer has to have a feeding tube to help him eat, but we are able to hold him.
Everyone does.
Except Lila.
She has zero interest. Every time she denies an offer, I pointedly look over at her parents. As if to say, See? She doesn’t care about him. She’s too busy being pissed I’ve left her than to care about him.
Sawyer does have to stay in the hospital for a bit, but I stay at Lila’s apartment while she’s at her parents’. I get in touch with a lawyer to get the custody case started. Not once does Lila visit Sawyer in the hospital. How do I know? Because if I’m not there, my mom is and Lila never shows up. She breaks her no contact order multiple times, too.
She calls me, wanting to get back together.
She apologizes for what happened.
She promises nothing like that will ever happen again.
She never speaks of Sawyer.
When I mention him? She changes the subject or ignores what I said.
But it’s okay. I’m in love with my son. He’s growing and doing well as a premature baby. He’s keeping me busy, though, so it’s been two months since I’ve talked to Idaline. My son has done so much growing in that time, however. He’s spent all of that two months with me. Lila has only seen him when I take him over to Karen’s for visits, and that’s if she happens to be there to break the no contact order.
My mom has been with me almost the entire time. We’ve been in an apartment, with a month-to-month lease, just waiting until I can move to Raleigh. Sawyer could be in daycare, though I don’t like the idea of that, but there’s a waitlist at the majority of the daycares around here.
Today is a good day. I can feel it. On my lunch break, instead of calling my mom to check on Sawyer like I usually do, I call Idaline.
“It’s been two months, FC,” she snaps when she answers. I wince at the anger in her voice. It’s rare I hear that from Idaline.
“I’m sorry. There’s been a lot going on. Have you been doing well?” I ask. She’s quiet for so long that I worry she’s hung up on me. “Idaline?”
“You sound happy,” she says softly.
I laugh. “I am.” It’s been so good to be away from Lila as much as I can be. And having Sawyer around? Life is ten times better than it ever could be.
“You don’t know how good it is to hear your voice and it sound so happy again. I’m glad things are better, FC.”
“Me too. Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”
“I guess,” she sighs, making me laugh. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. How’s your anxiety and everything?”
“I’ve been stable, but I have my days. Are you back in Raleigh?”
“Not yet. I’m working on moving back, though. Are you seeing anyone?” I can’t help but ask. I’m anxious to know, especially since every day I get closer to moving back to Raleigh, the closer I get to being with Idaline if she still wants me at that point.
“No.”
My smile can’t be helped. “After I move back to Raleigh, I think that’ll be it, Idaline. And I have a good feeling it’ll be soon.”
“Raleigh is farther away,” she says quietly. “Why don’t you move here?”
Sawyer and his sweet face pop into my mind. “I can’t.” I don’t want to move away from my family and their help.
“We’re going to be in the same position, FC.”
“You could always move here, Idaline,” I point out.
“That’s true,” she admits. “You’d want me to?”
“Of course.” It sounds a bit crazy to talk about another relationship right now, but this is Idaline. I wouldn’t consider such a thing so soon with anyone but her. There’s an incoming call from my lawyer and my heart breaks a little. “Idaline, I’m sorry, but I have to go. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
“I’ll hold you to that. Bye, FC.”
“Bye.” I switch over to my lawyer. “Hey. How are you?”
“Forget pleasantries. FC, you won’t believe this.”
“What is it?” I don’t know whether to be concerned or excited for whatever he has to share.
“Lila is giving up her parental rights. Her mother came in with her this morning and had me do it. It’s all but done. You don’t even have to fight her for full custody. Sawyer’s yours.”
“You’re not kidding me, are you?” I ask. “Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know, but she did.”
While I feel a shit ton of relief, I’m skeptical. Lila has an ulterior motive. What that is, I don’t know yet. She wouldn’t give up her only link to me unless she has some other plan. I don’t think for one second she’s through with me. Lila didn’t get her way and she must be good and pissed about that. A bud of anxiety plants itself in the back of my mind because she’ll show up in my life at some point and it won’t be pretty.
But my lawyer wasn’t lying and I’m soon able to move to Raleigh. At first, I live with my parents until I can get my feet underneath me, finding a job and an apartment. Sawyer is six months old when I feel settled. I work. My family helps watch Sawyer while I work. And all my free time is spent with my son, watching him grow and learn.
I wake up on June first and my soul tells me it’s the day. A piece of paper and pen call to me. I write down my name, not FC, but what FC stands for. With a smile, I mail it to Idaline. I once told her this is how she’d know I was ready and it seems like exactly what I should do. Not to mention, it puts the ball in her court. I haven’t heard from her in about a month, so I’m not sure what’s going on with her, but I hope she’ll be happy to discover my name and that my life is finally in order.
I pick Sawyer up from his crib and rock him gently in my arms. “It’s you and me against the world, son. But maybe Idaline will be with us soon.”
I can only hope.