With my back against my front door, Justin leans into me with a smile. “Do I get to come inside tonight?” He keeps coming closer as if he’s going to kiss me, but stops himself. It’s adorable. He does this dance after every date. By not kissing me, he’s not pressuring me. He does eventually kiss me, keeping it relatively short. This is the first time he’s asked to come inside, though.
Tonight was fantastic. I don’t think I’ve laughed that much in a long time. I’m definitely infatuated with Justin. He makes me feel good every time I’m with him. He rubs his nose against mine and sighs as if we just kissed. It makes me laugh.
“You can come inside.”
Justin grins and gives me a quick kiss before grabbing my hips and turning me toward the door. “Let’s go then.”
My cell phone rings as we step inside. I forgot to take it with me. I rush over and answer FC’s call.
“Hey. I can’t really talk right now.” My eyes flick over to Justin who looks over my apartment.
A slurred mess of words respond to me. It sort of sounds like he said he misses me. I don’t want to deal with a drunk FC, not tonight. I’m also disappointed and a bit sad. He never reaches out to me when he’s an incoherent drunk. I don’t know if that means I should worry or shrug it off.
Regardless, I say, “Go sleep it off, FC. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
He slurs something, but I can’t understand him, so I just say goodbye and hang up. Justin comes over and eyes me curiously.
“Sorry,” I say. “FC’s one of my friends.” A friend I might just have to kill the next time I talk to him. The fun, flirty, sexy mood that filled the air moments ago has disappeared.
Justin comes closer and trails his fingertips under my fingers. Such a small act, but goosebumps rise up all along my arm. “Is he something you want to talk about right now? You seem upset.”
“We can talk about him another day. What happened tonight, I can’t change, so I’d rather not talk about it.” Last time I talked to FC, he didn’t want to stop drinking. Telling Justin about my worries won’t help FC or my concerns.
“How about we sit and watch a movie then?” Justin suggests. He tugs me toward the couch and pulls me so close to him, I might as well be sitting in his lap.
“I thought you only wanted to come in to have sex with me?” I tease with a raised brow.
Justin’s jaw drops as he grabs my knee. “Now, Idaline, I’m a gentleman. Gentlemen can watch a movie until the girl’s more relaxed and in a better headspace after a not-so-good phone call from her friend before he makes a move. It’s not nice to point out the reason I wanted to come in when I’m being a gentleman.”
I laugh and smile. “Maybe if you make your move now, I’ll be ready.” Is it so bad to want our date to return to normal? I’ve been enjoying my time with Justin so much and I’m ready to take this next step.
He brings his hands up, one to cup my jaw, the other moving around to the back of my neck to float up into my hair. His mouth brushes over mine. “You want this?” he asks quietly. The silence in the apartment seems to amplify our breathing, his question, and our heartbeats.
“Yes,” I whisper.
I expect his mouth to crash to mine, but it doesn’t. His greets mine with ease and a familiarity. We’ve kissed before, but this kiss will be leading to something new between us. Like a slow, antsy build, our kiss intensifies. Justin stands, pulls me to stand, and sweeps his hand out for me to lead the way. My heart pounds in anticipation of the anxiety that should flood my veins any second now. With every step I take, I wait for it to hit me. It never fails that I have anxiety prior to sex with a person for the first time. Rationalizing that some nerves is normal doesn’t always help.
But I’m blown out of the water when I reach my bedroom with Justin and not a nerve can be found. That has to mean something huge, right? Maybe I’ve been wrong about FC being my soulmate. Maybe it could be Justin, the guy who relaxes me and keeps my anxiety at bay without even trying. The sex even seems better than with men I’ve been with in the past. Afterward, I don’t hesitate to invite him to spend the night, just so I can fall asleep in his arms.
“Idaline,” Justin whispers in the morning, kissing my bare shoulder.
“Hmm?”
“Your phone is going off like crazy again. Want me to go get it?”
I sigh. I was sleeping so soundly and contentedly in his arms. “No, I’ll get it.” With eyes half-closed, I get out of bed and walk all the way to the living room for my phone. It’s a videocall from FC. I answer. Before I can scold him about last night, I stop and stare. “Are you okay?” I whisper.
“Are you naked?” he asks incredulously.
“Oh. Sorry.” I bring the phone closer, so it shows only my face. “What happened to you?” He has a busted lip and one of his eyes is swollen shut.
“Had a bad run-in with the doorknob,” he says. “Don’t worry about me. I’m sorry about last night. All I know is I texted and called you a bunch of times.” He squints his eyes as much as he can. “Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just been busy.”
“But you didn’t answer my texts even before I fell off the wagon.”
I frown. “What do you mean you fell off the wagon?”
“I’m trying to get sober and last night was a huge fail. I didn’t even last a week.” There’s a bitterness in his tone I’ve never heard before.
“Oh, FC, I’m so sorry.” And the guilt swallows me whole for feeling the way I did last night. “Try again. Maybe go to meetings.”
“Idaline?”
I twist to see Justin walking out of my bedroom with his shorts he wore yesterday hanging on his hips. “I’m just talking to FC.”
“Who is that?” FC asks.
Justin raises a brow at me and rests his hand over mine, tilting my phone up where FC can only see my eyes and upward. “Get dressed, Idaline. I’ll start breakfast and keep FC occupied while he waits for you.”
Right. I’m naked. And though FC can’t see me, I should put some clothes on. Glancing at FC, I say, “I’m going to leave you with Justin long enough for me to get dressed, okay? Don’t hang up.”
“I just wanted to check in on you, Idaline,” FC protests.
I shoo Justin and mouth, “Don’t let him hang up.” I quickly disappear to my room and get dressed. My instinct says I shouldn’t leave the two of them alone for too long.
My footsteps are soft on the carpet and I hear FC. “All I’m saying is I don’t know who you are and I don’t care if Idaline thinks the sun shines out of your ass, treat her right or I’ll beat the shit out of you. Idaline deserves the best and if you aren’t going to give that to her, you should walk out and leave her the hell alone.”
“I don’t need you to tell me how to treat my girlfriend. I don’t particularly care for the protective older brother shit either.”
“It’s not older brother shit,” FC fires back. What does that mean? “I didn’t get to beat up the last asshole, but I can already tell, I’d enjoy beating the hell out of you.”
Justin snorts. “Keep on, man, and you won’t even be in Idaline’s life anymore because I’ll make sure of it.”
Okay, they’ve talked enough. I walk into the kitchen. “How’s it going, guys?”
Justin smiles while I hear FC say, “Take the phone and get away from him, so I can talk to you.”
I roll my eyes. “No one likes it when you’re bossy, FC,” I tell him as I pick up the phone. “I won’t be long,” I say to Justin, kissing his cheek before going all the way back to my bedroom for some privacy.
“I don’t like him,” FC declares.
“And you’re basing this on what?” I ask.
“He’s a nosy dick who bosses you around, telling you to get dressed. He might have a jealousy problem too.”
“FC, I was naked.”
“I couldn’t see you!” I give him a pointed look. “Okay, so I saw some cleavage, but after that, I only saw your face.”
I shake my head. “You’re reaching, FC. Justin is a great guy. You’re only cranky because your face hurts, you’re hung over, and you relapsed.” Although, I don’t like how Justin said he’d make sure FC wouldn’t be in my life anymore. I don’t want FC going anywhere.
“And because you haven’t been talking to me,” he adds.
“I’ll fix that and you can sober up again. I’m so proud that you’re trying. Did you quit smoking too?”
“Yeah. That one is easier with the patch.” He frowns for a moment and then his face is stoic again. “You look happy. Doing better?” He points to his head.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I haven’t told Justin yet.”
FC nods. “You should go. Be careful.”
“I will. I’ll be in touch, too. I have missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Idaline,” he sighs.
He quickly hangs up with me and I’m left staring at a black screen, once again feeling conflicted. I almost feel as if I should have kept him talking for as long as possible. I definitely feel as if I’ll need to keep my phone close by in case he needs someone to talk him off the ledge the next time he’s tempted to drink. He might reach out to me and I don’t want to miss that call.
“Idaline?” I glance up to see Justin standing in the doorway of my room. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Did FC behave while I was getting dressed?”
Justin walks in and climbs onto my bed. “You don’t want to know if I behaved?”
“Well, yeah, but I’ve known FC for twelve years and I feel like I should ask about him first. Out of the two of you, I already know he’s more likely to misbehave.” Although, this is the first time he’s ever spoken to one of my boyfriends.
“We barely talked,” Justin lies. “We just waited for you to get back.” Then, he frowns. “How comfortable are you with him? It didn’t bother you that you were naked while you were talking to him?”
“He couldn’t see anything. And I got so distracted by our conversation that I forgot about it anyway.” I lean over and give him a quick kiss. “Don’t worry. We’re only friends. If it makes you feel better, I’ve only met him in person twice.”
This intrigues Justin. “Breakfast is ready. I made myself at home since you told me to cook. Why don’t we eat and you tell me all about FC?”
Justin made egg sandwiches for us. For some reason, this makes me smile. As we eat, I tell him how my friendship with FC began, that we only first met the other week, and our friendship is almost sacred. Justin eyes me the entire time. He’s listening, I know, but it seems like he doesn’t quite believe me either.
“And you two are friends. You don’t care for him more and he isn’t in love with you?” he asks.
I frown; not because he asked, but because it hurts to think of how I will say I don’t care for him more than a friend and that FC doesn’t love me. That part I’m almost certain of, but I’m not sure at times. Regardless of how we actually feel, or don’t feel, we aren’t together and it doesn’t look as if we ever will be. “He’s my best friend and no, he’s not in love with me. I won’t be hiding my friendship with him; I never have.”
“I know. You proved that last night. You didn’t even hesitate to tell me who was on the phone.”
I shrug. “Guys are weird when it comes to girls having guy friends, and FC isn’t going anywhere. I figure it’s better for me to know now if you’re a jealous kind of guy. I’m over those.” Without thinking, my hand lifts to rub my neck. Sometimes, I still feel Daniel’s hands around my throat. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I’m being suffocated, only to find it’s my own hands clutching my throat.
“Hey.” Justin’s voice is soft as he reaches out to loosely grasp my wrist. “What’s wrong?”
My eyes find his. “You aren’t going to be jealous over FC or any other guy I come in contact with, are you?” I ask.
“Maybe if you look hot and you’re flirting, but only for two and a half seconds. Then I’ll remember you’re with me and I’ll give you an extra long kiss the next time you’re close enough and it’ll be gone. Why are you so worried about this?” His hand flexes over my wrist and inadvertently tightens. His eyes are focused on where my fingers still rub my neck. “Does this have anything to do with why you wore a scarf on our first few dates?”
All I can do is nod. His nose flares with anger, but his grip eases slightly. “Come here, Idaline.” He tugs, I stand, and I sit in his lap, right where he appears to want me. “I won’t promise you much, not right now, but I can and do promise you that I will never harm you physically. You could purposely make me jealous. You could piss me off until I’m madder than I’ve ever been. I still won’t lay a hand on you.”
Not quite sure what to say, only two words manage to slip out. “Thank you.”
Justin shakes his head. “You don’t have to thank me for being a decent human being.” He dips his head, kissing my neck with a kiss so soft and light that I’m not even sure his lips touched my skin. “I hope you don’t mind, but this neck is now my favorite. I’m going to make it yours too.”
I hope so. Maybe then I won’t have those panicky nightmares anymore.
FC: I need to get away for the night to stay sober. Can I crash at your place? You’re closer than my parents. If not, that’s fine. I’ll go to a hotel.
I can hear my grandpa in my head right now, telling me not to let FC come back here. But this is different. FC is reaching out because he needs a safe place to go to stay sober and apparently, he can’t do that with Lila. Grandpa has one strike against him.
The second is that I’m supposed to have a date with Justin tonight. I’ve never had to cancel because of FC before and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I text FC and tell him this.
FC: Either way, you can still go on your date, Idaline. I’ll go to a hotel. That makes more sense anyway and it’s closer. Have fun and text me later.
Well, now I feel like I should have simply told him to come. What if being alone at a hotel is too tempting for him? He might stay at one that has a bar either in the hotel or one nearby. I told him I would be there for him and so far, I’m not doing a good job. I’ve let another week go by without talking to him.
With guilt and a desire to see him, the latter of which I try to ignore, I text FC back.
Me: No. Don’t go there. Come here. I’d love to see you.
FC: Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely positively.
FC: Thanks, Idaline. Be there soon.
It wouldn’t feel right to leave FC here while I go out on a date, not when he needs support to stay sober. With that thought in mind, I call Justin.
“Miss me so much you can’t wait until you see me to talk to me?” Justin says when he answers.
“Yes and no.”
“That doesn’t sound good. What’s going on?”
I take a deep breath. “I need to take a rain check on our date tonight.”
“No, Idaline,” he says with obvious disappointment. “The last two days have sucked for me. I was looking forward to seeing you.”
“I’m sorry. You can still come over.”
“Okay, now I’m confused. If I can come over, why are you canceling?”
“FC really needs me tonight and he’s on his way here. I don’t feel comfortable going out and leaving him here alone. So, you can come over and hang out with us, or accept my rain check.” I hold my breath, waiting to see which way he’ll go and unsure of which way I want him to go.
Justin takes his time thinking about this. “Do you really want me there, Idaline? Would FC? Why exactly is he coming?” Thankfully, there’s only curiosity in that last question. “Why can’t he stay there by himself while you go out with me? You don’t need to cancel on me for him.”
I struggle with whether to divulge this information about FC to Justin. Yes, he’s my boyfriend and we’re having a great time, but FC is on a different level than Justin and I don’t know how FC would feel about me sharing that kind of information with him. I decide to be a bit vague. “He said he needed to get away. It was either here or a hotel because I’m closer than his parents.”
“And you told him to drive an hour to come to you?”
“He’s told me some of what’s going on and he doesn’t need to be alone; that’s why I can’t go out. I was worried about what he’d do if he went to the hotel.”
Justin sighs. “I think I lied. I don’t think I like this friendship of yours.” Before I can process my emotions at what he’s said, he continues with, “But I know this friendship means a lot to you, so I’ll deal. I’m coming over for just a few minutes to see you, and then I’m leaving to let you be a friend.”
I perk up. “You’re coming to see me?”
He laughs. “Yeah. I’ll bring supper for everyone. Anything in particular you want?”
“Surprise me.”
We hang up a moment later. Is it weird to be so excited about seeing two different guys? It’s not the same kind of excited for them both, either. For Justin, I’m relieved and eager for his relaxed personality to fuse into me. For FC, I’m bouncing on my toes, standing by the window, peering out and waiting to see him kind of excited. My soul yearns to be near him, hear his voice in person, and lay my eyes on him.
All I have to do is remember we’re friends and I have a boyfriend. FC and I need to keep a friendly distance. As long as those two things are done, tonight will go smoothly.