Michael had been texting her constantly, sending heated messages that made her ache for his touch. She had let go of the confusion in her mind about the kiss that she had shared with Aaron, and she turned her attention back to the heat that Michael drew up in her so easily.
It felt to her as if it had been a long while since they had been together, and she told him she wanted to see him in the city. She had given it some thought and decided that perhaps part of the problem that they had had when he had stayed over at her home with her was that it was too personal.
It might have been crossing a boundary that felt more like an invitation into her private life – her home, her bed – and she wondered if that had had anything to do with why he had pulled away so much and so fast. She thought that perhaps if they were intimate together in San Francisco, it might be easiest to do it at a hotel. A hotel was as impersonal a place as she could think of where they could be comfortably intimate.
She texted Michael and asked him if he’d like to meet her at a hotel. He wrote back with an enthusiastic yes, and they agreed on Wednesday night. She reserved the room and sent him the information.
That night after work, she dressed in one of her sexier dresses and had roses and champagne delivered to the room. She lit a few candles that she’d brought, and turned on some music perfect for an evening with a lover.
She picked up a book that she had been reading and waited, anticipating the hot passionate night that lay before her, and she tried to turn her attention to the pages in her hands. When she looked up at the clock a while later, she realized that much more time had passed than she expected. With a frown, she looked over at her phone and saw that it was already almost ten. There was no message from Michael.
She set her book down and wrote out a text to him, asking him what time he expected to be there, and she waited. Minutes passed and became an hour, which became two hours, and there was no word from him. She worried that he was alright, and she wondered what might be keeping him.
Raina blew out the candles out and decided to wait until he got there before lighting them again. She curled up in the bed with her book and read, trying to keep her mind on the words instead of on the cold empty pillow beside her.
She woke up in the morning and discovered that she had fallen asleep reading. She reached for her phone and saw that there was no message from Michael. Anger burned at the edges of her and she set the phone down and went to take a long hot shower.
The steaming water calmed her and when she got back out of the shower, she wrapped herself in a thick robe and went to her phone. There was still no message. She typed one out and sent it to him. ‘Where were you? Thought we were meeting up at the hotel?’
She tucked her phone away and got dressed, feeling angry and foolish for having been left at the hotel alone all night. When she was ready to leave, she went to pick up her phone and found that he had finally texted her back.
‘Sorry, I had to take care of some things with my family.’ It was all he said.
She felt a little wave of guilt wash over her. She hadn’t thought about Joanna. She had only been thinking of herself. She realized that she was trying to have a relationship with a man who had other responsibilities, and she reminded herself that she needed to remember that.
She texted him back. ‘No worries. I understand. Please text me next time to let me know. Maybe we can meet up another night’.
He answered her shortly after that. ‘Definitely. I’d love to.’
Raina knew that she was going to have to forgive him for standing her up, and take into account that there might very well be times when he wouldn’t be able to be where she wanted him, when she wanted him there.
‘Friday night?’ she texted back.
‘Absolutely. Same hotel, same time?’ he asked in his response.
‘Yes,’ she agreed.
‘I can’t wait! Just think of it… two days from now. I can almost feel you in my arms already,’ he replied.
It made her smile with anticipation, and she sent back another message to him. ‘I’m looking forward to it, too.’ And she was. She spent the next couple of days thinking of Friday night with him. She even went out and bought new lingerie to wear for him, and a new perfume. She had a manicure and a pedicure, and had her hair styled.
She set up roses and champagne again, and turned the music back on the way she had before. She smiled to herself, knowing that it was going to be an incredible night together with Michael. He had been texting her about it over the last two days as well, and both of them talked about how much they wanted it to happen.
With her book in her hands, she focused on the story she was reading, and she waited to hear from Michael. He said he would text her to let her know what time he would be getting there. She tried not to look at the clock, but she found herself watching it more than she wanted to, and the hours slid by, one by one, as the sky grew darker and her patience began to grow thin.
There was no message from him again, and again she blew out the candles and turned off the music, climbing into bed with her book. She sent him a text asking him what time he would be there, and there was no reply.
She stayed awake until midnight, and without a word from him at that point, she put her book away and went to sleep, furious with him for no-showing again, and furious with herself for having waited for a man who didn’t care to show up at a hotel for a night of passion with her.
Feeling foolish all over again, she showered in the morning and didn’t bother to look at her phone until she was ready to leave. She was a little surprised and greatly annoyed to see a message from Michael.
‘So sorry, phone died. Wasn’t sure if you stayed there or not. Didn’t know if I should go.’
She worked through the anger that she felt and texted him back. ‘I stayed at the hotel all night waiting for you.’
He responded right away. ‘I’m so very sorry. I wish I could have been there. Will you be there again tonight?’
Raina sat on the sofa in the room and put her head in her hands. She sighed long and slow, blowing the frustration out of her. He was asking her for her time and she had been waiting and wanting to give it to him.
With a sigh of resignation, she texted him back. ‘Yes, I will stay here tonight if you come.’
‘I’ll definitely be there,’ he answered almost immediately.
She called down to the hotel desk and asked them to keep the room for her one more night. The hotel staff happily obliged.
Raina worked that day and all the while she was wondering what would happen that night. She was comforted by the constant flow of sexy steamy texts that Michael sent to her, talking about what he wanted to do with her, and what he was looking forward to doing with her later.
By the time she left work and got dinner, she was excited again, and looking forward to her evening with him.
She waited for him, watching a movie to pass the time. The movie ended, and she started another movie. There was no word from him. She wanted to text him to ask him where he was and what time he would be there, but she couldn’t let herself do it, feeling already as though she had lowered herself enough for him, and he needed to be putting forth some effort for her.
She started a third movie, and a cold stone formed in the pit of her stomach as she watched the clock passing time more than she watched the movie on the television. At eleven o’clock she turned the television off and went to bed. She told herself that if he ever did show up, he could wake her up and make it up to her.
She awoke alone and disgusted in the morning, promising herself that it was never going to happen again. She didn’t even bother to look at her phone. She didn’t want to hear from him. She didn’t want to know what might have happened. Instead, she showered and dressed and had room service bring up breakfast for her. She thought about the breakfast that she and Aaron had shared in Seattle at the hotel. It brought a sentimental smile to her face and she found herself thinking that Aaron would never keep a lady waiting.
Raina went to work, and she didn’t bother to check her cell phone for messages until she had gotten her coffee and settled herself at her desk, and turned her computer on. Then she looked at her phone, and she wasn’t surprised to see a message from Michael.
‘I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t wait for me. I fell asleep. I slept for sixteen hours straight! I can’t believe how tired I was.’ He added a smiley face to his note.
She didn’t answer it. She just turned her phone over and went to work. The anger in her that she felt toward him was so deep that it was cold; not a burning raging anger, but a slow burning bitterness and resentment. She felt a bigger fool than ever.
Her phone buzzed a few times, and finally she glared at it and picked it up, seeing that she had received a few texts from Michael.
He apologized again, and told her that he really was sorry.
She texted him back. ‘Look, you’re making me such a fool; if you want to end this, just be honest and say so, but don’t keep standing me up like you are and then acting like it’s no big deal. We can end it right now if you want to.’
She had barely set the phone down when it buzzed and she sighed and picked it up again. ‘No! I don’t want that at all. I do want to see you, and I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out. It’s been a crazy week. I have had so much going on with Joanna. I do want to keep seeing you.’
Raina crossed her arms over her chest and looked at her computer screen. She ignored the text and decided to make him wait a little while, just as he had made her wait so many times. It was a subtle form of punishment, and it might be childish, she admitted to herself, but he definitely had it coming.
He texted her again ten minutes later. ‘Please, let’s try again. One more night. Give me another chance. I need to see you. It’s just been crazy over here.’
With a long sigh, she rubbed her fingers over her forehead and realized that a teenage girl probably did cause a lot of drama and problems, and while she was angry with him about his lack of communication, she understood that sometimes life can happen and cause some chaos.
She relented, and texted him back. ‘Okay. I’ll get it one more night. That’s it.’
‘I’ll be there,’ he answered. She doubted it, but she was going to wait and see if he really did show up.
She brought the lingerie she had purchased for him, and had champagne and roses sent up once more. She settled herself in with a few movies she had been wanting to see, and she didn’t kid herself one little bit that he probably wasn’t going to show up that night, but she did reserve the slightest bit of hope that he might actually stay true to his word.
She waited through one movie, and then through a second movie, and then she opened the champagne and poured a glass of it for herself. She never once looked at the clock until the third movie was halfway gone.
Her phone had stayed silent, and it was eleven when she finally turned off the television. She texted him. ‘Don’t bother showing up.’
It shocked her when he answered her almost right away. ‘Sorry, got caught in traffic! Unavoidably delayed.’
She glared hotly at the phone. With fury boiling inside of her, she picked up her phone and texted him back. ‘Traffic at eleven at night? Don’t come.’
She set the phone down and brushed her teeth, readying herself for bed. When she was settling into the sheets, her phone buzzed and she picked it up. ‘I’m almost there. I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
Raina groaned and set the phone on the bedside table, closing her eyes and rubbing her fingertips on her temples. She didn’t know if she should believe him or not, but fifteen minutes later, there was a soft knock at the door, and her eyes widened as her heart skipped a beat.
She could hardly believe that he had finally showed up. She opened the door and the moment it opened, he rushed inside and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her hard and hungrily. She was angry with him at first, but the more he kissed her, the more her anger dissolved into passion.
He moved her to the bed without letting her go, and without breaking his kiss. Pushing her clothes from her body, he paused only when he looked down and saw the lingerie that she was wearing. Gasping with desire, he shook his head.
”You are so beautiful. What sacrifice did you make to Aphrodite to look like that?” he asked as he closed his mouth over hers again and lifted her to the bed.
Heat engulfed her and all of the anger and disappointment that she had felt for days dissipated as he pulled the last of the fabric from her body and slid his condom onto his hardened erection.
“I need you, now.” He spoke hoarsely as he spread her thighs apart and entered her.
He filled all of her, and moved in her deeply, holding her tightly to him as he closed his hands around her breasts and kissed her ravenously.
Raina wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, losing herself completely in the incredible way that he made her feel; in his skin against hers, in his dark hair tangled in her fingers, in the way he moaned and gasped as they moved together. Sweat beaded along their bodies until it became a coating on their skin, heating and cooling them at the same time. She rode him astride his hips for a while, and then he rolled her to her back and thrust himself fully into her, arcing his back as he filled her, throwing his head back as his orgasm overtook took him and he cried out.
“Ah! I’m going to come… I’m coming…. Oh, Joanna… Jo…” he shouted, and Raina froze beneath him.
His body shuddered, and he stilled, his breathing ragged as he moved off of Raina and she sat up and stared at him.
“What did you say?” she asked quietly.
He was turned away from her. “Nothing… I didn’t…” he began.
“Yes, you did! You called out Joanna’s name!” she snapped at him. “What in the hell are you playing at?”
She pushed herself from the bed and grabbed her robe off of the back of a chair, pulling it onto herself as she turned and glared at him.
He rose up off of the bed and threw the condom away, going for his clothes. “I’m not playing at anything.”
“You just called out Joanna’s name while you were having an orgasm!” Raina covered her mouth with her hand as she stared at him, and the truth finally washed over her like a tidal wave. “Oh my god. That’s it… you’re in love with her!”
He turned and looked at Raina, his dark eyes filled with anger and resentment. “I’m not in love with her!”
“Yes, you are! Oh my god… everything makes perfect sense now. The way that you say you’re constantly thinking about her, that she is always on your mind, that you worry about her all of the time… it’s not because she’s your daughter, it’s because you’re in love with her! I can’t believe I didn’t see it! How many times did you tell me that I was a pleasant distraction for you? Now I know what I was distracting you from! I was distracting you from wanting a child!” She raised her voice and planted her hands on her hips.
“She’s seventeen! You sick bastard! She’s half your age! She’s exactly half your age!” Raina felt like throwing everything within her reach right at his head.
He pulled on the last of his clothes and buckled the belt on his pants. “She is going to be eighteen two weeks from tonight!” he shot back defensively.
“You used me! You used me to keep her off of your mind until she was old enough for you to have! That’s what you’re doing!”
Raina had not known rage before, the way she knew it at that moment, searing through her like a wildfire, burning her up as it engulfed her.
Michael’s eyes were filled with a cold fury as he glared back at her. His voice was strong and even as he pointed his finger at her. “You used me just as much! You were paying me so that you could use me!”
“I was falling for you! Oh my god… I can’t believe that I was stupid enough to fall for you at all!” Her heart and mind were reeling with the hard ugly truth of what she was facing.
He shook his head. “I did not encourage that. I didn’t do anything but keep this strictly sex, just like you said you wanted. I can’t help the way I feel about Joanna! I’ve tried, but there’s nothing I can do. I love her, and I want her. I couldn’t be with her before; everyone has seen me raising her as my daughter, but she’s not my daughter, and now she’s a woman.”
“She is a teenage girl who doesn’t know what she wants and has no idea what’s really out in the world! You’ve been grooming her these last two years so that you could have her exactly the way that you want her when she’s old enough to legally be yours! You’re beyond disgusting! You should be in prison!” Raina shouted furiously at him.
“I’m done here.” He turned away from her, walking out the door and slamming it behind him.
Raina collapsed on the floor where she stood, sobbing into her hands as she felt the horror of everything that had happened drown her. She had given herself to a man who wanted nothing more from her than her body, to use solely as a distraction from the teenage girl he’d been obsessed with.
She could hardly make herself believe that it was true and that she had given so much of herself to a liar and a pedophile. She didn’t know how she couldn’t have seen it before. She didn’t know how she could have missed anything so obvious and so disgusting.
Michael had lied to her, used her in a horrible way, and treated her with absolute disregard. She had never been treated so badly by any other man in her life. It was almost paralyzing to her to be consumed with the anger, grief, and devastation that he left her in.
She wept until she had cried herself to sleep there on the floor. When she woke up, she didn’t know how she found the strength to get up and stand. Raina looked around the room, feeling exhausted and ripped into pieces. She wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t even look at the bed where Michael had been inside of her just hours before, fantasizing that she was some teenage girl he wanted to screw. She went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, and took her time washing out her mouth and splashing cool water on her face.
When she was somewhat able to breathe again, she stood up and walked back into the bedroom. What a disgusting joke, she thought to herself as she looked at the roses and the champagne, thinking of how she had believed there could be romance between them. There was nothing of the kind. There was nothing but lies and deceit, and she couldn’t stand to be in the hotel room any longer.
She dressed and gathered her things, thinking she would love to burn the lingerie and see it go up in flames. Minutes later, she walked out of the room and drove herself home. She collapsed into her bed and wept again, crying until she had fallen asleep.
She only woke when there was a ringing at her doorbell. Raina opened her eyes and looked around in confusion, feeling disoriented. With a heavy sigh, she pulled on a robe and walked to the front door, glancing through the peephole to see who it was.
Willow was standing on her step, knocking insistently at the door. With a grateful sigh, she turned the knob and pulled the door open. Willow took one look at her and her jaw fell open. She didn’t say a word, she just walked in and wrapped her arms around Raina, hugging her close. Raina dropped her forehead onto Willow’s shoulder and her body quivered as she cried. Willow held her until the crying stopped, and Raina took a deep breath.
She walked with Willow into the kitchen and Willow set to work making tea as Raina sat in one of the cushioned chairs at the table.
“I’m not going to pry, but if you want to tell me what’s going on, I’m here for you and I’m glad to listen,” she said supportively. She pulled two mugs down from the cupboard and dropped a tea bag in each one.
“It’s Michael,” Raina said quietly.
“I’m not surprised. What happened?” Willow asked, reaching for the honey jar.
“I met him at a hotel last night and we… we were together. When he had his orgasm he called out Joanna’s name.” Raina spoke the words, and though she had thought of nothing else, saying the words aloud brought a whole new meaning to them, and they pierced her heart and her mind as she relived the disgusting horror of the moment it had happened. She hated that she had let a man like that ever touch her body.
Willow stared at her. “Wait… Joanna… his daughter person? His ward? That Joanna?”
Raina nodded. “That’s her.”
“Seventeen-year-old Joanna?” Willow asked, not really asking.
“It’s revolting.” Raina groaned.
The kettle began to whistle, but Willow didn’t move to pick it up. “I can’t… wow.”
“I can’t either. All of the things… I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he did it, I can’t believe I didn’t see it, or that I ever let him touch me, or that I was falling for him, or that someone else hasn’t seen this happening over the last two years and stopped it, or that I ever hired an escort in the first place… Will, my life was good before Michael. There was nothing wrong with it. It was sailing along happily at a nice steady pace. What in the hell did I ever go and mess with it for? I was fine before him. I didn’t need him. What in the hell was I thinking?” She shook her head and rubbed her hands over her face.
Willow turned and picked up the kettle, pouring the steaming water into the mugs. She set the kettle back on the stove and brought the mugs to the table, setting one before Raina and then sitting down with her own.
“I accused him of being in love with her, and at first he denied it, but then when he knew there was no way out, he finally admitted it. He has been using me to distract him from his desire for her, because he knew he couldn’t have her, and he had to have something or someone to keep his mind occupied… and I guess his body, since he wanted her so much and there was nothing he could do about it. I’ve never felt so thoroughly disgusted with myself as I do now.” Raina stared at the mug of darkening water before her and Willow reached her hand out and closed it over Raina’s.
“Raina, he is a sick bastard, and you got roped in. He’s an actor… don’t feel bad that you didn’t see this. It’s his job to trick people and make them believe he’s something that he’s not. That’s what he gets paid to do when he isn’t getting paid to romance women. He’s not important. He’s really not. You weren’t in love with him. I know you were starting to feel something for him, but it wasn’t real love. What you had with him was based on chemistry and lust, and sex, and that’s it. It’s not love. It’s not real emotion. He has no real part of your heart. You never gave that to him, so don’t let this hurt you. It isn’t a mistake that you made, it doesn’t mean that you’re stupid or that you did anything wrong.
He’s a user and a piece of trash, and he never deserved to be with anyone like you, as a lover or as a friend, or even as a passerby on the street. Don’t hold on to this, Raina. Let it go.” Willow squeezed Raina’s hand and watched her closely.
Raina nodded. “I know you’re right, but…” she began, but Willow continued.
“I am right. He’s a gross, vile person who does nothing but use other people for whatever he needs. He doesn’t even deserve the time we’re taking right now to talk about him. We should be talking about anything else, rather than wasting our precious breath and energy on him. What a loser. You know what we should be thinking about? The future.
I am confident that there is a guy out there; a truly good man, who will come along one of these days… someone who you can love, and who will love you back.” Willow’s gentle voice took on an encouraging note.
Raina scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know about that. I don’t think I quite believe that. I’m not sure that there’s someone out there for everyone. I’m not even sure if I want anyone. I was doing just fine on my own, thank you very much. I should have left well enough alone. I had no business going out and looking for something like that… I should have just stayed put where I was, content with my life, and moving forward happily.”
Willow sighed slightly. “Well, yes and no. You were happy, and you’ve been happy for the most part, though that piece of trash did put your life into a kind of chaotic tailspin… but you weren’t totally satisfied, or you wouldn’t have gone out looking for him in the first place. I think maybe something was missing out of your life, and I think you knew it, and that’s why you did go ahead and go looking for him. For someone who could fill that empty space.”
Taking a long drink of her tea, she set the mug back down, and Raina looked at Willow and spoke assuredly. “I might have thought that something was missing, yes, but what I didn’t know was that nothing was missing. I was fine on my own before Michael. I should never have gone looking in the first place. I am not going to look again, and I am never, ever going to be used like this again.
“You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go right back to focusing on my business, which is what I should have been doing the whole time. I never should have let myself get distracted and confused by a liar and a monster.”
Willow frowned and her shoulders sank slightly. “I know you’re hurt and angry right now, and you have every right to be. I know it’s going to take some time, but I am going to say this. Keep your heart open, and don’t let this destroy you. Don’t let Michael have that advantage. He’s done enough damage to you as it is.
Let him go, and let the pain he caused you go. You gave him enough of yourself and your life already. If you hide yourself away from any future romance with anyone else, it’s just you giving him your future too… not letting anyone else into your heart because they might hurt you the way that Michael did.
“That’s letting him have your past and your future, and he doesn’t deserve another second of your time. None of it. Don’t lose out on something good that may come your way just because you were taken down momentarily by him. He’s not worth it, and you are worth being loved by someone who can really love you. I promise.”
Raina nodded and drank her tea. “I know you’re right, but it’s hard to see past the pain right now. I guess I can’t really say that it will never happen, but I’m not going to go out and look for it again, at least for a long, long while.”
*
Raina took a week off of work. She stayed at home and rested. She cleaned. She walked alone on the beach. She told herself that everything that Willow had said was true, that she wasn’t at fault, that she shouldn’t be angry with herself for what had happened, but she had a difficult time believing it.
Everything in her made her feel that if she had been smarter, if she hadn’t been so wrapped up in the passion and sex, his good looks and charming demeanor, and in the way that he made her feel when he poured all of his attention and affection over her, that she might have seen the truth much earlier.
She knew she was an intelligent and smart woman, and she should have seen what was coming. She knew that she hadn’t missed the signs as they rose up along the way with him, but she hadn’t managed to put them all together to see the whole picture until it was too late. By then she was hurt and used, and she found herself ripped up by devastation.
Willow had pressed her to let it all go and to focus on the future. She had urged her to remember that not all men were that way, in fact, far fewer of them would ever be the way that Michael was. He wasn’t the norm; she was just unlucky in her choice of men from the escort service.
Willow told her that maybe she ought to meet men in other places; perhaps more reputable places. Raina didn’t want to meet anyone. She wanted to heal and forget the whole thing. She wanted to focus on her business and her own life, and nothing more. She might have been lonely when she went looking for a lover and found Michael, but what he had given her and done to her was not worth it; she knew she’d take the loneliness any day over all that he had done to her, good and bad.
When the end of the week was over, she told Willow that she would be back to work on Monday, and Sunday she spent relaxing at her home. The weather was cold and she had lit a fire in the fireplace, and snuggled up under a blanket with a good book and a pot of hot green tea.
There was a knock at the door and she looked up in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting anyone, and she knew it couldn’t be a delivery on a Sunday. She answered the door, delighted when she discovered that it was Aaron standing there.
They grinned at each other and she almost launched herself from the doorway into his arms to hug him. She held him tighter than she usually did, and she didn’t let go for a long time. He held her back, sensing that something wasn’t right, and he didn’t let go until she let go of him first.
Looking at her with curious, concerned eyes, he tilted his head a little. “What’s going on? Are you okay? I mean… I’m really glad to see you too, but it hasn’t been that long since…” he trailed off as he saw the pain in her eyes. “Oh no,” he said quietly.
Taking her hand, he walked with her into her home and closed the door behind them. She went with him to the living room and sat on the sofa beside him.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” she asked, looking at the teapot instead of right at him.
“You can tell me what’s going on. I’m worried about you,” he said kindly and firmly. “You’re not okay.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m really not.”
“Okay… well, what’s going on?” he repeated, watching her closely.
She sighed. “It’s Michael. We were together and he called out the name of the teenage girl he’s taking care of.”
Aaron’s mouth fell open and he stared at her. “You’re kidding,” he began, but then he waved his hand dismissively. “I’m sorry. It’s very obvious that you’re not kidding.” He leaned back into the sofa and raised his eyebrows. “Wow. That’s… disgusting.”
Raina nodded. “It really is. On every level.”
He looked back at her. “Well, now I can see why you aren’t doing so well. What happened with the two of you?”
She shook her head. “I accused him of being in love with her, and he denied it at first and then admitted it, and we had a nasty fight. I told him he ought to be in prison and he left. We haven’t spoken since. I guess she’s turning eighteen in about a week or less, and that means she will be legal for him. He was just using me to distract himself from wanting her until she was old enough for him to have.”
Aaron covered his mouth with his hand, nearly gagging. “Does she want him like that?” he asked, his eyes wide with horror.
Raina shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything at all about her side of it. I don’t know if she realizes that he’s in love with her, I don’t know if she has any feelings for him, but having seen the way that she is with him, playful and adoring, I would guess that it wouldn’t be a far jump to suppose that she could have a teenage crush on him.
“If and when he takes advantage of that, it’s going to hurt the hell out of her when she’s older and realizes what a piece of trash he is. I don’t know if she’s waiting until she turns eighteen so she can be with him, too… or if she even likes him like that at all. He might be springing it on her when she isn’t expecting it.
“All I know is that he’s a monster. He’s been grooming her for the last two years, getting her interested in the things he’s interested in and showing her that she needs to rely on him, that she needs him, that he’s there to spoil her and give her whatever she wants, and that he’s the only one who will take care of her. It’s sick.”
“That it is,” Aaron admitted, raking his hand through the slight tangle of blonde hair at the side of his head. “I have to tell you, I feel totally responsible for this. I do. I’m the one who suggested to you that you find someone… that you have someone in your life like that.
I don’t think you’d have even thought of it or come up with it on your own if I hadn’t said something to encourage you. I’m so sorry, Raina. I never wanted you to be hurt. I just wanted you to be happy… taken care of. Lacking for nothing.” He sighed and planted his elbows on his knees, resting his forehead in his hands.
She gave him a weak smile and reached her hand to his shoulder, giving it a gentle rub. “This is not your fault. None of this is your fault,” she told him earnestly.
He sat up and looked at her intently. “I just wanted you to be happy. I love you… all I want is your happiness.” He reached his hand up to touch her cheek, and as he did, warmth spread through her and a light realization that had never occurred to her before, struck her.
For the first time ever, as she watched him, she realized what it was that he was really saying to her. “You do love me…” she said quietly, and everything in her seemed to slow to a halt. “Aaron…” she spoke in a low voice, “how do you love me?” she asked, her eyes locked on him.
He looked away from her and shrugged. “I love you, you know… we’ve loved each other for years… we just…” He trailed off and she closed her hand around his shoulder.
“Look at me please,” she requested gently.
He took a breath and looked up at her. His eyes were shining. “Do you love me… romantically?” she asked him, just above a whisper.
Her heart began to pound at the realization and the prospect. It had never occurred to her, not once in all of the years that they had been friends. Best friends, and nothing more, ever. She had never dreamed that he might feel something more for her than friendship.
He seemed to choke on his words and his emotion as he stared back at her. There was a stillness in the silence between them and finally, an eternity later, he drew in a breath and answered her in a quiet voice. “Yes, Raina. I do care about you that way. I do love you romantically. I always have.”
She gasped and stared at him, unable even to blink. “You’ve never said a word… you’ve never acted like you had even the slightest notion of love for me, other than a friend…” She trailed off, shaking her head slightly.
He sighed and shrugged, looking down at his hands. “I fell in love with you in college, pretty much right away. You came in for that audition… and… I just fell, watching you speak, seeing your confidence and your joy, your intelligence and your humor… you made me laugh, you made me feel alive… I just wanted to walk right up to you there on the stage and kiss you, but… I knew I couldn’t do that.
“I knew full well that I couldn’t put you in the role you were auditioning for. There’s no way I could have survived having you acting for me for six weeks and been able to keep my distance from you. It would have been torture for me. I’ll be honest; that’s why you didn’t get the role.” He pointed his finger in the air as he punctuated his statement.
“I went to you to tell you that you didn’t get the role, and I was going to tell you how I felt then, but you were dating that guy… Ryan, or whatever his name was, and I knew that I never had a chance. I knew that the only way that I could be with you would be if we were friends. Then I could have you… I could be around you. I could keep you, and it would be safe. You were always happy to just be friends, and I knew that I was going to have to satisfy myself with that, because I’d rather have you as a friend and be in love with you, than have nothing at all with you.
“It was a sacrifice. You got kind of serious with one of the guys that you were dating, and I knew that I was never going to have you. Cathy was after me then, and I thought I might as well be with her since I couldn’t be with the woman I loved, and I gave in and dated her. She tried to get me to love her like she wanted me to, but I couldn’t.
“She thought maybe marrying me would make me love her more, but it didn’t. I was never in love with her, and she knew it. She finally left me for some woman, and more than anything, it’s been a big relief. Except that now she’s gone and I’m alone… and now… you know. You know the truth.
I just hope that you can forgive me for it all, for falling in love with you, for keeping it from you, for telling you now. I hope I haven’t done anything to ruin our friendship. You mean everything to me, and our friendship means everything to me, and I would never do anything to damage or destroy it.” A worried look came into his eyes.
Raina could barely breathe. She was completely astounded by him. He had managed to surprise her more than she had ever thought possible. “Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think that… that you could care about me that way. Not once. You kept that hidden so well that I never saw even a moment of it,” she whispered.
He sighed and shook his head. “I thought after Cathy left me and you and I were spending more time together and growing closer… I thought maybe there might be a chance, and I actually imagined that you were going to kiss me a few times, and I let myself kiss you, twice. I’m not sorry about that, but I hope it was okay, just those two times. I’d never do anything to risk losing what we have. Not in a million years. I can’t lose you, Raina. Not ever.”
She felt her throat tighten as tears flooded her eyes and she realized that in the blindness of the saltwater in her eyes, she could finally see the truth. “You can’t lose me, Aaron, because I love you, too. I didn’t know it until recently, and when we were in Seattle it just… it just felt so right. I did want to kiss you then. I think I wanted more than that, even, but I wasn’t sure what I was feeling and what you were doing and feeling.
“Like you, I didn’t want to risk our friendship. Now I know what that feeling is. It’s so clear, so crystal clear that I can’t believe that I didn’t see it before. I love you, Aaron. I have loved you so much, for so long. You are my best friend, and my family, and if you ever wanted to be more, my heart would always be open to you.”
A single tear rolled down Aaron’s face and he gave his head another shake, just once, before reaching his hand up to cup it around her cheek. He gazed into her eyes, and she could finally see all of the love that he had for her. Slowly, he brought his mouth to hers, pressing his lips softly on hers and kissing her tenderly, moving his lips so gently that when she closed her eyes, she was sure that she must be dreaming.
That familiar heat rose up in her and flooded through her, and the butterflies in her belly began to dance wildly. She could taste tears in their kiss, and she wasn’t sure if they were hers or his, but as he parted her lips and tasted her, gliding his tongue over and around hers, she knew that both of their tears were healing, and that love had found them both at last.
She kissed him in return, taking her time in discovering him as she slid her fingers up into his locks of blonde hair. He closed his arms around her and held her to him tightly as their kisses grew stronger, and everything in her began to burn and ache for him.
Breathlessly he lifted his mouth from hers and looked into her dark eyes. “Is it… is it too soon to make love with you?” he asked in a whisper.
She could see the desire in him and it mirrored everything that she was feeling.
“It’s long past overdue,” she answered with a smile, standing up and taking his hand in hers.
She walked with him to her bedroom, feeling lighter than air, knowing that she was at last going to feel the love that she had always wanted to feel, in the arms of the right man, at the right time.
Aaron took his time taking her clothes from her body. He gazed at her, taking in the view of her as if he was looking at a priceless piece of art, his fingers brushing gently over the skin that he revealed piece by piece until she was bare before him, and he was bare before her.
Lifting her chin with his finger, he met her eyes with his. “I love you. I have wanted this with you since I fell in love with you, all those years ago, and it means everything to me. You are so precious to me, and I love you.” He brought his lips to hers again and she kissed him breathlessly, smiling as she held him close.
“I love you, too.” she answered, meaning it with more than all of her heart.
They laid back together in her bed, and as he entered her, she felt everything in her ignite as it never had, and she was drawn to him, body, heart, soul, and mind, like a magnet. They moved together in perfect tandem, holding one another, caressing each other, kissing and loving in their impassioned embrace until their love was full, and they clung to each other as their releases bound them together, consuming them with pleasure and love.
They lay still with one another afterward, holding each other, touching each other gently. They laughed softly and smiled in earnest, discovering a love that was going to last them both a lifetime.
Aaron stared into her eyes and kissed her fingertips. “Raina… when we are able to, will you marry me? Will you let me love you for the rest of my life, and be my wife? Please… please say yes.” He stroked her cheek gently.
She thought her heart might swell so much that it could explode. “I’d be honored to be your wife,” she answered him. “Nothing would make me happier.”
Aaron was so thrilled that he laughed and kissed her, gazing at her and then kissing her again. “I can’t believe this. This is the happiest day I have ever known, and I owe all of that to you. I’m going to give you a life you could only dream of. We might have good days, and a few hard days, but I am always going to love you, I’m always going to be by your side, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of every day of my life with you, forever.”
“That sounds like a promise to me, and I’ll make you the same promise. I love you, Aaron. Thank you for telling me, and for giving us this chance. You’re the one who has made this love come alive, and it’s going to last always.” She kissed him, and he took her in his arms to make love with her again.