Chapter Two
Dreams of Ryan
Liv should have known she would dream of Ryan, after all, he’d been in her thoughts constantly. This dream hit her on the raw though, Ryan was telling her to forget about him, to move on and let another man take care of her. She knew it was mostly her subconscious pushing the thoughts into her head and making her dream that way, but it had seemed so real. It had felt like Ryan had been standing right next to her on the pier as she’d watched the sea crashing against the beach. The sea had been turbulent just like her feelings. Ryan had stood there and kissed her hair, his arms wrapped around her, her cheek pressed against his chest, and she’d listened to his beating heart. The memory of the dream damn near killed her. He’d told her to let him go and then he’d let go of her and walked towards the end of the pier disappearing in the mist that surrounded it. Liv had woken up then, feeling as if her entire world had exploded all over again. Her grief was back full force and she couldn’t stop her sobs. He’d left her again, and it hurt so much. Once she calmed herself down, she jumped out of bed and headed to the shower. A look at the clock told her it was six in the morning. As she washed herself, she decided she was going to the pier. Western-Super-Mare was their special place, so to replace the bad dream she would embrace the good memories they’d shared there. Once she finished washing, she rinsed the bubbles and climbed out. After drying herself with a fluffy towel, she pulled on clean clothes pausing long enough to pour a coffee into a takeaway cup she headed out the door and to her car. Sliding into the driver’s seat, she turned the key, and the car purred to life. She turned the radio on finding a station playing rock music then she pulled out into the quiet road. It was only a couple of hours drive; she hoped she was doing the right thing; going to the place they’d loved would hopefully bring her a little peace.
∞∞∞
The pier was familiar and while it made her feel closer to Ryan; it didn’t help with her feelings of isolation. Children were laughing, parents were chasing after them on the beach, some were making sandcastles, and Liv stood watching them, feeling even lonelier. She missed Ryan and knowing they would never have a family together or be the parents chasing their children on the beach made her heart heavy. This trip was supposed to make her feel better, but instead it reminded her of what she was missing. She wanted a family of her own; she didn’t think she could go her whole life and not know what it felt like to love a child like a mother did, but how could she think about having them when Ryan was no longer with her? Guilt washed over her when she pictured brown-eyed, curly haired children in the arms of the unnamed man. How could she picture that image when she was standing here in her and Ryan’s special place? Her dream came back to her and tears poured down her cheeks. She didn’t know what to do. Her feelings were so jumbled. Two years was a long time, she’d forgotten what his voice sounded like, his smell had disappeared from his clothes, but she could close her eyes and see his image in her mind. See his beautiful blue eyes the colour of the sea, his lips always curved in a grin. Even when he’d been dying, he’d kept his sense of humour. She knew it had been mostly for her benefit and that made her love him even more. Even in his suffering, he had still put her first. How long would it be before she forgot his face and had to look at a photograph to remind herself? Time might have moved fast, but it hadn’t healed her. She was still so angry that he’d been snatched away from her. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and wiped her cheeks.
“Excuse me, Miss.”
Liv turned in the direction of the voice. It shocked her to see a white-haired woman standing so close to her. “Yes?” she asked quietly.
“Are you ok?” the lady asked her.
“Not really.” Liv admitted.
“Anything I can help you with?”
Liv sniffed. “You could tell me how I’m supposed to move on from my husband’s death like everyone thinks I should.”
“Young lady you cannot move on until you are ready. Stuff everyone else.”
Liv laughed.
“It’s true. How long has it been?” she asked.
“Two years.”
“I lost my husband twelve years ago. It gets easier, but he’s never far from my mind.”
“I never stop thinking of Ryan. He’s on my mind when I first wake until I go to bed at night. Except…” she trailed.
“Except what, dear?”
“Lately, there is someone else intruding on my thoughts.”
“And you feel guilty for this?” the lady guessed.
“So guilty.”
“You shouldn’t. Would your husband want you to be unhappy?”
“No.”
“Then you shouldn’t be.”
“It’s not that easy. I’ve pictured this man with our children, children I wanted to have with Ryan. I don’t even know this man’s name.” Liv sighed. “I think there is something wrong with me.”
“There is nothing wrong with you. This unnamed man has caught your attention, it means you have a second chance at love or at the very least it shows you are capable of moving on.”
“I don’t want a second chance, I miss Ryan.”
“Few people can say they’ve been lucky enough to have two loves in their lives.”
“How can it be lucky when my first love died? If he was still here, we would still be together.”
“Yes and your unnamed man might have grown old alone waiting for a woman who wasn’t coming.”
Liv shook her head. “Ryan was my soulmate.”
“And maybe you are this unnamed gentleman’s soulmate.”
Liv frowned. “I don’t want to be.”
“The world works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it hurts us, but then sometimes it heals us. This man may be your reward for the pain you’ve received.”
“Did you ever remarry?”
“I wasn’t lucky enough to find a second chance at love. My husband was my one and only and I’m not sad about that, but I do think you would be silly if you didn’t at least find out this man’s name.”
“I’ll think about it.” Liv promised.
“Good. It would be a shame if you both grew old alone because you were too stubborn and afraid.”
Liv grinned. “You say what you think, don’t you?”
“Life’s too short not too.”
“You’re right. It was nice to meet you.”
“It was nice to meet you too. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.” she pressed her hand to Liv’s cheek and smiled. “Take care, sweetheart.”
“You too. Thank you.” Liv watched her toddle off down the pier and smiled. Ryan used to call her sweetheart. Sighing, she made her way towards her car. The lady had a point, Liv was stubborn, and Ava would be the first to remind her of that. She was stressing herself out, and she didn’t even know the guy’s name and had never spoken to him. After seeing her crying in the coffee shop and then in the wine bar afterwards, he probably wasn’t very impressed by her. Liv climbed in her car and checked her phone; she had a few missed calls from Ava. Deciding to ring her back before heading home, she dialled her number. Ava answered on the first ring.
“Liv, where are you?” she demanded.
“I’m in Western.”
Ava’s sigh was loud. “I should have guessed.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Tony is worried about you.”
Liv frowned. “Why?”
“Because he asked you to be your nephew’s godparent and you haven’t given him an answer.”
“My brother is an idiot. Of course, I answered him. Why would I say no?”
“He wasn’t sure.”
“Why are you telling me this and not him?”
“Because you’re still avoiding him.”
“I’m not. It’s just that he was Ryan’s best friend. If Ryan wasn’t with me, he was with him. I just…” she trailed off.
“Memories?”
“Yeah. I’m trying to let go of my sorrow, I just need to do it in my own time, nobody else’s.”
“I agree. The christening is tomorrow, remember?”
“Of course I do.” Liv snapped. She was grieving not ill.
“Just checking.”
Liv rolled her eyes. “What time is the latest we can be there?”
“The service starts at eleven so about a quarter to.”
“Ok.”
“I’m still getting ready at yours. I want to make sure you wear the yellow shoes.”
“I will wear them. They’re gorgeous.”
Ava was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to stay over tonight?”
“Would you mind?”
“You only have to ask, Liv.”
“I know, but I hate being weak.”
“It’s not weak to want company, especially at this time of year.”
“Apparently time heals. I met a nice lady today; she lost her husband twelve years ago. She gave me a little advice.”
“Advice that’s coming from someone in your position would be good advice to take.”
“Yeah. She was lovely, but she was so sad.”
“Did she remarry?”
“No, she’s been alone ever since. She told me not to pass up a chance of finding love again.”
“I think you should listen to her.”
“I will. When I’m ready.”
“Good. Drive safely, Liv. Ring me when you’re home and I’ll come over with chick flicks and pizza.”
“I feel like watching something scary instead.”
“I’ll see what I have. See you soon.”
“Bye, Ava.”
Liv cut the call and placed her phone back in her bag. Her brother was silly. Why would she say no to such an honour? It was true though, she had been avoiding him, and it had to stop. It wasn’t fair to any of them.
∞∞∞
Three hours later, Liv pulled up outside her house. The traffic had been ridiculous. She needed the toilet, and she had to ring Ava because she knew she’d be worrying about her. Rushing into the house, Liv nearly tripped over her own feet in her haste to use the bathroom. Her phone rang just as she was washing her hands, drying them quickly on the towel she ran to her bedroom. “Hello,” she said breathlessly into the phone.
“Why didn’t you call me, Liv, I’ve been worried.” Ava scolded her.
“Ava, I’ve only just walked in the door. There was an accident, and I got stuck in traffic.”
“Sorry,” she said sounding sheepish.
“It’s ok. Anyone would think you were my mother.” Liv laughed.
“Nope, more like your sister.”
“The sister with the better hair.” Liv said smiling into the phone. It was an ongoing joke. Liv had straight hair that fell to the middle of her back. Ava’s hair was just as long when it was wet, but dry, it was a mass of beautiful curls and ringlets. Liv was jealous of it. Ava hated it.
“So you say.” Ava muttered. “You try having to spend a fortune on hair products so you don’t look like you’ve had a bad perm.”
“Your hair is gorgeous, stop complaining. Come over, I’m waiting for pizza, I’m starving.”
Ava huffed. “Fine, I’ll be over in about ten minutes.”
“Great, see you soon.” Liv grinned. Ava was still muttering as she cut the call. Ava wasn’t kidding about the amount of money she spent on products, but it was worth it. Liv had always wanted curly hair, she’d tried curlers and all sorts, but nothing worked and it just stayed straight. She’d learned to live with it. Liv cast her eyes around her house making sure it wasn’t too messy. Her eyes caught the photograph of her and Ryan on their wedding day. The love shining in his eyes always shocked her, it was clear how much he loved her, and the photograph had caught that look forever. It had been the happiest day of her life. She walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. The early morning was catching up with her and she needed coffee to help her stay awake. She needed to have an early night tonight to make sure she was refreshed for tomorrow if she looked like crap everyone would notice and the pity would get worse. Pulling a cup from the cupboard, she was just spooning the coffee into it when she heard a knock at the door. Putting the spoon down Liv headed to the door. When she opened it, she had a hard time hiding her dismay.
“Liv, your brother was just getting out of his car when I arrived.” Ava exclaimed.
“That’s so funny.” Liv said not believing her in the slightest. She opened the door wider to let everyone pass.
“Hi Liv, how are you?” Tony’s wife Maggie asked as Tony gave Liv a sheepish look and tugged her into his arms for a hug.
Liv smiled at Maggie. She was a pretty woman. “I’m fine, where is Joshua?”
“He’s with my mother. We had some things to do last minute, and we thought it would be nice to have some alone time. We love Joshua, but it’s been such a long time since we’ve had grown up time.”
“A really long time.” Tony added with a look at Maggie. He let go of Liv and headed towards the kitchen, Liv heard the kettle start to boil again. She’d been avoiding them both when she should have been helping them out with Joshua. Maggie’s mum was retired and Liv knew they didn’t like to ask her to have Joshua too much as she has health issues. She sighed. “I’m sorry Maggie. I should be around more to help.”
Maggie shook her head. “You don’t need to apologise. We understand, Liv.”
“Who is having coffee?” Tony called from the kitchen. Instead of shouting back, they all followed him in.
Liv caught Ava’s eye, and she shrugged. Ok, maybe, they’d all turned up together a coincidence. She took a seat at the table, Maggie sat one side of her and Ava the other. When Tony sat in front of her, she sighed. “What’s wrong?” she asked her brother.
“We’re concerned about you.”
“I’m fine.” Liv said.
“You always say that, but we know different.”
“I’m getting there.” Liv offered.
“That’s more honest at least.”
“What do you want from me?”
He reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. “We want you to be happy.”
“I miss him.”
“We do too.” Tony said quietly.
“I know you do, but it’s different for you. You have Maggie, and now Joshua. I have a cold, empty bed and my memories.” Liv blinked back her tears.
Tony grimaced. “I don’t want to upset you. I just… I want my sister back, we want Olivia back.”
“It’s going to take time for that to happen.” She said as she rubbed her wet cheeks. “How is my nephew?”
Maggie smiled. “He’s wonderful. He’s growing so fast and looking more like his daddy every day.”
Liv smiled at the love so clear on Maggie’s face for the little boy. “I’m glad. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow.”
“About tomorrow, that’s why we are here. Will you be Joshua’s godmother?”
“I gave you my answer the first time you asked me. I told you it would be an honour.”
“We weren’t sure. I wanted to double check.”
There was more. Liv waited for Tony to tell her something he clearly didn’t want to.
“Aunt Sue will be there tomorrow. She’s been talking about setting you up on a date.”
“What?” Liv screeched in horror.
“Don’t worry. I’ve told her she cannot bring along a plus one as we have too many guests. I think she planned on having the man as her date so she could introduce you at the christening.”
“Oh my gosh. She is such an interfering woman.” Liv said. It irritated her that her Aunt thought she knew what was best for her.
“She loves you.”
“If she loved me, she would leave me alone. Two weeks after Ryan’s funeral I had a phone call from a man named Alfie. He asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.”
“You’re joking!” Tony exclaimed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’d put it from my mind to be honest.”
Tony nodded. “Understandable.”
“I’ll keep her away from you, Liv.” Ava promised.
“I can look after myself.”
“We know, but you don’t have to do things alone. You have us.” Tony told her.
Liv sniffed. “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.”
“I can’t say it hasn’t hurt, but we know why you’ve been doing it. We wish you would let us help you.”
“I need to do this alone.”
“You’re not alone, that’s the point.”
“I know, and it makes me feel better knowing that, but I need to work things out on my own. Ava is right; Ryan would kick my butt if he could.”
“We’re here for you.”
“I promise I won’t avoid you anymore.” Liv whispered. “It’s just… you are more of a reminder of Ryan than anyone. When I see you I’m reminded of our loss and I can’t even…” She broke off in tears.
“Liv, I get it, believe me I do, but you have to let us in. By avoiding us you’re just hiding from your grief.”
“I’m beginning to see that.” She admitted.
“I hope you are. You need us and we need you.”
Liv nodded trying to stop herself from breaking into uncontrollable sobs. She’d missed her brother so much, Maggie too. Tony and she had always been close and pushing him away had hurt her so much. She’d done it out of self-preservation, but it had been the wrong thing to do.
“How many people are going tomorrow?” Ava asked giving Liv time to pull herself together.
“About fifty.”
“Fifty, wow. Anyone single and on the market?”
“Maybe.”
“Interesting. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date.”
“You went on a date last Saturday.” Liv reminded her.
“It doesn’t count. The guy was a moron.”
“He was a banker from Jersey.”
“Yes and he thought if he bought me a glass of expensive champagne I would show him the goods.”
“You didn’t tell me that.” Liv accused.
Ava shrugged. “I forgot. Other things got in the way.”
By other things, she meant Liv’s grief. God, Liv thought, she was a rubbish friend. She was so consumed with her grief she was blind to anything else. “What did you do?”
“I drank the expensive champagne and then told him I had to freshen up. His eyes were full of lust, as I’d left him, giving my bottom an extra wiggle as I walked away. Then I walked straight to the front door and hailed a taxi.”
“You didn’t.” Liv giggled.
“I did. I also sent him a photo of the expensive underwear I’d been wearing, after I’d taken it off of course, and told him it cost more than the champagne.”
Liv was crying with laughter by the time Ava finished her story. She was wiping the tears from her cheeks when she realised everyone was staring at her. “What?”
“We haven’t seen you laugh like that since…” Tony trailed off.
“Since Ryan died?” Liv finished for him. “You can talk about him. I’ve accepted he’s gone guys, I’m just not over the fact I will never see him again.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For you losing Ryan. If I lost Maggie, I don’t know how I would cope.”
Ava tutted, “No more sadness. Tomorrow is Josh’s big day, and it calls for happiness.”
“Joshua.” Tony corrected.
“He will be known by Josh, eventually.”
“Yes, when he’s five.”
“If you say so.”
Tony opened his mouth to argue. It was something that happened frequently between him and Ava.
Maggie rolled her eyes at Liv making her grin. “Tony, no arguing. We need to get back to my mum. She’s had him long enough now.”
“Ok, dear.” Tony grinned. “We will see you at the church in the morning.”
“You will indeed,” Liv said as she stood up.
Tony pulled her into a hug squeezing her tightly. “Don’t be a stranger.” He whispered. Liv nodded into his chest before pulling away.
“Bye, Liv.” Maggie said. She moved towards her and kissed her cheek. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bye, guys.” Liv called after them.
“I’ll walk them out. You put the oven on, I’m starving.”
“Ok, bossy.” Liv grinned. She watched them pile out of her kitchen feeling like a weight had lifted from her shoulders. When Ava came back, Liv pulled her into a hug.
“What was that for?” Ava asked her.
“It was for knowing I needed my brother.”
“I figured you’ve been hiding long enough.”
“I have, but now I’m going to stop.”
“I’m glad. I want my Olivia back.”
“With time, I think she might make an appearance.” Liv smiled. It would take a while, but she would get herself together and stop hiding. She was determined to stop thinking about what she’d lost and start thinking of what she could gain. She wanted her family back.