Chapter Nine
Ryan’s Birthday
Liv woke up in a panic. Last night she’d been so wrapped up in Mason and his passionate kisses that she’d gone to bed dreaming of him. She hadn’t dreamt of Ryan at all and surely that was wrong; she felt like she’d betrayed him when he should have been on her mind. It was his birthday today, the day she’d been dreading was here, it was one more year that he’d been away from her, while she’d grown older, one more year of her being alone and holding her dead dream tightly because she didn’t want to let it go. She looked over at his bedside table, at the wedding photograph that sat there and she burst into tears. She cried for him; she cried for the life she’d had torn away from her. How could she leave him behind? The positive attitude she’d had last night disappeared like a popped bubble and it left her filled with despair. All of her thoughts about moving on were wrong. She couldn’t replace Ryan or leave him behind. Pushing the duvet off her body, she climbed out of bed and headed straight to the shower. She was going to see him. The flowers she’d bought yesterday sat in her kitchen sink waiting for her to place them on his grave. The shower was hot, and she needed that to warm her cold bones. Quickly washing and drying herself, she pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and then slipping on her trainers, she made her way to the kitchen to grab the flowers. Locking the door behind her, she headed towards the churchyard; it was only a short walk, a couple of minutes at most, but to her, it felt like hours. She needed to be near Ryan. She felt almost hysterical from the need to be close to him. Walking as fast as she could, she finally made it. She sat down cross-legged on the grass next to him and burst into tears. He was gone; she knew that, but somehow it felt to her like she was losing him all over again and her pain was intense. Moving on with Mason, accepting him into her life as more than a friend meant letting go of her old life for good, it meant letting go of Ryan and her heart felt like it was breaking.
“Hey,” the softly spoken word dragged her out of her misery. She rubbed her hands over her cheeks trying to remove the tears flowing down them. Looking up she saw Mason. He walked towards her with his hands out in front of him as if he was trying not to scare her. She got to her knees, feeling like a trapped animal, any sudden movements and she’d bolt. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way because she wasn’t afraid of him, he made her feel safe, but her fear was starting to make her panic. Her breathing increased until she couldn’t suck in enough air, she tried to calm herself down. Her frightened eyes met Mason’s, and he sucked in a breath before quickening his pace. He sat next to her on the grass and pushed her head between her raised knees. His hands caressed her hair, and they sat in silence for a while until her breathing even out. Once she’d pulled herself together, she raised her head and his hand dropped into a fist on his lap.
“Honey, do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “It’s too hard.”
“Fair enough. Can I hold you?”
She raised her eyes to his. “I’d like that.”
Liv had expected him to hold her hand or maybe slip an arm around her shoulders, she had not expected him to lift her up and slide her on to his lap, but that’s exactly what he did. She froze for a second before relaxing into his hard frame. His hand rubbed her back in a soothing motion and she burrowed her face into his warm neck.
“I thought we’d grow old together, that we’d have children, and watch them get married and have children of their own. I never thought one of us would die and leave the other behind.” She rubbed her cheeks as her tears started to fall again, her face still safely burrowed in his neck she continued. “They keep telling me to move on, but how do I do that? How do I forget about Ryan and make our dream come true with someone else?”
“Olivia, baby, you don’t forget about him. You hold him here, always.” He said as he placed a hand over her heart. “Ryan was special to you; he’ll always be with you. The dream you had with him was yours, you have to make a new one.”
“You make it sound easy.”
He shook his head, the movement dislodging Liv, and she looked up at him. “It’s not easy, but it’s essential. If you keep holding onto the old dream, you will never be happy.”
“I am happy.” She argued.
“Sometimes when you let yourself be, but I see your sadness. You don’t think you deserve to be happy, but you couldn’t be more wrong. You deserve it more than anyone does. Ryan would agree with me.”
Laying her head on his shoulder, she sighed. “I know you’re right, he’d hate to see me like this.”
“You need to acknowledge he’s gone.”
“I know he’s gone.” Liv snapped.
“You need to let go in here.” He touched her chest again with the palm of his hand and she sucked in a breath.
“It’s hard to let go, but I think I’m more frightened of moving on. Remembering Ryan, keeping his ring on my finger works like a barrier.”
“It keeps people away.” He raised his eyebrows in surprise as if he’d just realised something. “It keeps me away, doesn’t it?”
She nodded. “When I watched you from a far you were a sexy man with no name and you weren’t a threat.”
“And now I am?”
“Yeah, you are.” She admitted.
“I would never hurt you Olivia.”
“You might not mean to.” She looked at her toes. “What if you get sick like Ryan did? I can’t lose you as well.”
“I can’t promise you that won’t happen, but you can’t run from me and the life we could have because of your fears.”
“I don’t know how to stop feeling scared.”
“Don’t you want children, pretty little girls with golden hair?”
She caught her breath at his words. “Yes.”
“With me?”
Pulling in a shocked breath, she stared up at him. The answer was in her eyes, but she couldn’t find the words, especially not here while they sat at Ryan’s grave.
“I want to have your children, Olivia. I want to see you grow large with my babies, see you be a mother because I know you’ll be a fantastic one. You’ll be a pushover though, so I’ll have to be the strict one.”
Liv laughed. “You couldn’t be any stricter than me.”
“Maybe not, but we’d have to work on that. We don’t want spoilt brats.”
“We wouldn’t have. We’d teach them better than that.”
Mason grinned.
“What?” Liv asked him confused.
“You said we.”
“I guess I did.”
“So you do like the idea?”
“Yes I do, I just need time.” She admitted.
“I understand that and I’ll be here waiting for the day you are ready for me.”
“I can't expect you to wait, Mason.”
“There is nowhere else I would rather be.”
“You could be in for a long wait.” She warned him.
“I don’t think so. I have a feeling you’ll be ready sooner than you think.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Baby steps, Olivia. You’ve moved on, you’re just not ready to admit it to me yet, but you will.”
She sighed. He was right, they'd gone from strangers to friends, to sweet kisses, and now they were talking about babies. She thought he might be right. “I can't believe we've had this conversation by Ryan's grave.” She said.
“I can. I think you needed to have him close to make the decisions you have.”
She climbed off his lap and moved closer to Ryan’s headstone. She touched it gently and rubbed her hand over it.
“He’s always been my constant. He was my safety net. When I lost him, I lost a piece of myself.”
Mason nodded in understanding. He looked sad, and she knew she was hurting him, but she was trying to explain.
“Slowly, I’ve gained that piece back. You’re helping me do that. I love Ryan, I will always love him, but you came along, all darks looks and sexy attitude and you broke through my defences. Little by little you’ve claimed a piece of me.”
Tears pricked her eyes when she caught sight of Mason’s face. His eyes were blurry with tears and the look of awe on his face astonished her. He stood up and held out a hand to her and she almost ran to him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and she cried as she realised what she’d said without actually saying the words. “I love you Mason.” She said calmly as her tears poured down her face. “I’m not sure how it’s happened so fast, but it’s the truth.” She murmured.
“I love you too, Olivia.”
“I know, I’ve always known. That’s why I ran.”
“I’m a patient man, I knew you’d come around.”
“I knew too, I’m just more stubborn. Hang on, how did you know I was here?”
“I followed you. I was just coming to your door when I caught sight of you walking up here.”
“I’m glad you did.” She gave his arm a squeeze. “Can I have a minute?”
“Sure, baby, I’ll take the rubbish from the flowers to the bin.” He picked up the bouquet and took the paper away handing the flowers to her.
“Thank you.” She felt his lips brush her forehead and then he left her alone. Moving to Ryan’s grave, she lay the flowers down. She sat down crossed legs just like before, except this time she didn’t cry. Instead, she told Ryan a story. The story of how she'd met a lovely lady on their pier and how she'd told Liv to embrace her second chance. She told him she loved him and she would always love him. She’d mourn him forever; she’d miss his cheeky grin and his sweet ways and he would never leave her heart, but she loved Mason.
Standing up, she ran her hand along his stone. “I love you, Ryan.” She whispered. She saw Mason walking back to her, and she smiled. “He is amazing, Ryan. He treats me so sweetly and I know I’m safe with him.” she bit her lip. “I have to say goodbye now.”
Mason cradled her face when he reached her. He understood, without words how much it had cost her to say that. “It’s not goodbye, Olivia, its farewell.” He turned to face Ryan’s grave. “Farewell, Ryan, I’ll look after her, you have my word.”
Liv sobbed quietly in his arms, her body shaking from the grief she was finally letting go of, she hoped wherever Ryan was, he was looking down on her knowing she wasn’t alone anymore and that Mason made her happy. At that thought, a butterfly flew past where they stood. It landed on Ryan’s headstone and she gasped. Ryan had always thought butterflies were lucky, Liv thought he was giving them his blessing.