Addie was finally sound asleep. She fussed for an hour before drifting off. As usual, Puck had to fight his instinct to pick the baby up and rock her in his arms.

For the first two weeks, after he brought Addie home from the hospital, Puck couldn’t bear to hear her cry. His choking tears over Miranda were enough crying to handle. As soon as the baby began to sob, he picked her up and rocked her to sleep.

Now, more than a month later, a routine developed. A round of fitful tears before sleep was a regular occurrence. Instead of scooping Addie up, Puck lingered by the side of the bassinet listening, ready at a moment’s notice to sweep her up if he heard any screams of intense distress.

Assured that Addie was sleeping restfully, Puck padded across the living room in his bare feet. He settled on the couch and picked up the framed photo of Miranda from the side table. He wondered if Addie remembered anything about her mother. Maybe the memories were subconscious. Every time Addie cried, Puck wondered if she missed Miranda.

He held the photo up less than an arm’s length from his face. When they were celebrating the news of the pregnancy, they hired a local photographer to shoot individual portraits as well as a few of them together. After the sudden death, Puck couldn’t bear to look at any of the couple photos, but he also believed Miranda’s presence should remain out and visible somewhere in the house. He didn’t believe in traditional ghosts, but he wanted her spirit to feel welcome.

Puck spoke in a soft voice just above a whisper to avoid waking Addie. “I know you’ll forgive me for thinking this way, but I’d bet your parents assume they finally got their revenge.”

Puck never wanted to feel ill will toward anyone. Miranda was right that everyone has some amount of good in them, but he couldn’t avoid negative thoughts about his former in-laws. They fought the relationship from the moment their daughter met the “rough and tumble guy from the hick town by the river.”

More than once, cradled in her husband’s arms, Miranda said, “They must love me, but it’s so hard to tell. I think they are only against you and me together because they are worried about how things will look. Maybe it’s just the tattoos on your arms. You have a good job. I don’t know what they want.”

To avoid more family controversy, they got married at the local courthouse with Puck’s father, their respective best friends from high school, and Miranda’s sister, Paula, as witnesses. When Miranda called her mother with the news of her pregnancy, the response was stony silence. Puck clenched his fists as he watched Miranda hang up from the phone call, shudder visibly and then shed tears.

Puck traced his index finger along the outline of the face in the photo. He remembered how soft her skin felt, and he recalled her incredible, loving heart. She cared for everyone, even those who didn’t love her back. More than anything, in the final months before Addie was born, she was determined to be the kind of parent her own mother never was. She planned a consistent world of love, support, comfort, and discipline for her daughter. Puck was content to let Miranda take the lead, but he knew that he wouldn’t shrink from his share of child-rearing responsibilities.

One night just before falling asleep, Puck gently rubbed Miranda’s belly and then laid his face against her skin. He listened to the swishing sounds and hoped to feel a gentle kick. Miranda said, “Promise me that you’ll make sure I’m a good mother.”

“How could you not be? You’ll be the best mom in the world. I’ll work hard trying to keep up so that I can be the best dad.”

Then she was gone. After a whispered, “Goodbye,” she stopped breathing forever.

Puck’s well-trained ears heard a soft grunt from the corner of the living room. He rose to his feet and crept across the hardwood floor to take a peek. Addie was lying on her belly with her rump pushed up into the air and her face turned to the side.

“Your Daddy and Mommy love you more than anything little girl. Don’t you ever forget Mommy. She’ll always be there for you even if you can’t see her.”

Addie didn’t move. Her mouth was slightly open, and she breathed easy. Puck imagined that she was opening her eyes. He treasured those moments because he was certain that he could still see Miranda reflected in the eyes of his little girl.

Stepping up to the bassinet, Puck reached down and tucked Addie’s favorite stuffed bear up close to her body. She didn’t move or wake. He leaned over and kissed her cheek touching it with the softness of a butterfly wing whispering, “Goodnight, little girl.”

Puck tugged his sheets, blanket, and pillow out of the hall closet and returned to the living room. Although he was a widower of two months already, he still couldn’t bring himself to sleep in the bed that he shared with Miranda. Instead, he made the sofa into a makeshift mattress, and he set up a corner of the adjacent dining room as a nursery for Addie. Puck slept using his cell phone as an alarm clock on the coffee table.

Just before sliding under the blanket on the couch, Puck headed for the kitchen to pour a single glass of wine before bed. The slight sedative effect helped him sleep. He was pleased that he never did require pills to drift off. Miranda’s doctor handed him a prescription the night she passed away and said, “Just in case. Don’t be a hero. They will help for as long as you need them.” The prescription was still resting on a shelf in the bathroom medicine cabinet.

As he lay his head down on the pillow, Puck pointed the remote control at the TV. He found a news channel. He never actually watched the news. It only disturbed him when he paid attention. He set the volume to a level that he could barely hear. Somehow, the constant voices were soothing any time that Puck woke in the middle of the night. They were soft enough that any cries from Addie would easily cut through the noise.

It was a night filled with tossing and turning. The alarm clock was set for 5:00 a.m. because the front walk needed to be shoveled clearing snow before taking Addie to daycare and driving to work. Puck knew that Addie was likely to wake him up two or three hours before that when she decided she needed a meal. Letting all the thoughts slowly drift through his head while the wine relaxed him, Puck was soon sound asleep.

At just after 2:00 a.m., Puck woke with a start. Disturbing, restless dreams faded into nothingness when he opened his eyes.. The blanket lay on the floor, and the sheets were torn free from their moorings between the cushions and the back of the couch. As if on cue, Addie began to cry. After blinking three times, Puck pushed himself to his feet and made his way to the corner of the living room.

The first actions unfolded on auto-pilot. Changing diapers, warming formula, and cuddling Addie against his shoulder were easy tasks relegated to muscle memory. According to the few friends Puck called since bringing Addie home, she was a relatively easy baby. The doctor proclaimed her healthy and said she was gaining weight slightly above a normal rate.

As Addie quieted against his shoulder, the dream that caused Puck to wake suddenly drifted back to him in pieces like shards of broken glass coming together. The dream was filled with the presence of an unidentified man. He had blue eyes and straw-colored blond hair.

Puck remembered laughter and relaxing together somewhere warm. Perhaps it was a beach. He’d never seen the ocean, but he could smell it in the dream. It was like the slightly briny scent of the seashells his grandparents brought back from their retirement trip to Florida.

Addie squirmed and fussed. She was ready for her late-night feeding. Resting in the crook of her father’s arm, she sucked greedily at the offered bottle. Puck carried her to the couch and sat. He closed his eyes to try and force the rest of the dream to return.

Puck’s eyes opened wide, and he gasped when the specific moment returned that woke him. He kissed the man. A shiver raced up his spine while he stared down at Addie. She was the picture of peace sucking gently on the nearly empty bottle.

Puck played around with his buddy, Jack, one long, hot summer in high school, but they’d never kissed. They did nothing more intimate than mutual jerk off sessions. They didn’t even consider something like kissing.

At the end of summer, a week before the new school year began, Jack’s father transferred to a new job in Denver, and in a matter of days, Jack disappeared from Minnesota.

Puck and Jack weren’t close friends, but the separation had an emotional impact. Puck occasionally thought about Jack, but he didn’t see what they had as any kind of romantic relationship. It was just buddies hanging out and getting off together.

For a few moments, Puck tried to figure out what the dream meant. He wondered about the identity of the man that he kissed, but none of his close friends were blonde. Yet, the man looked somewhat familiar.

Puck closed his eyes tight to try and see the man again, but the image was already drifting away like a puff of smoke headed for the clouds.

The bottle was empty. Addie was a good baby. She was hungry when she was supposed to be, and she wasted no time downing her meals. She was perfect like her mother.

Puck gently placed Addie over his shoulder encouraging her to burp out any swallowed air. It didn’t take long. While he waited, Puck pointed the remote control at the TV to change channels. Finding quality TV in the middle of the night wasn’t easy. He settled on a home improvement show. Addie was already drifting back to sleep, so kids’ programs on the TV were unnecessary.

While the couple on TV tore into old walls with sledgehammers and ripped up floorboards with a crowbar, Puck dreamed of the house he would someday have with Addie. Their current home was a rental. It was cozy enough, but he hesitated to make any improvements knowing someday they would move and not take any of the changes with them.

Puck closed his eyes and saw a bright pink room for his little princess. A mobile of butterflies and sunflowers hung from the light fixture in the center of the room. One wall was decorated with boards resembling overlapping shingles on a roof. The rows alternated pink and eggshell white. In his mind, he saw an eight-year-old Addie walk into the room and turn her head to look up at him. She looked so much like Miranda, but she had Puck’s deep-set brown eyes.

He imagined rambling through the rest of the house. It wasn’t huge. It was a traditional ranch home, but it had a brand new kitchen with an open floorplan and the fireplace of his dreams in the living room. Puck listened closely and heard another voice. It was a masculine voice.

Resisting the urge to open his eyes and stop the dream in its tracks, Puck rubbed Addie’s back to keep himself calm. He heard footsteps on hardwood floors. A man stepped around the corner with his arms opened wide for a hug. His eyes were blue, and his hair was blonde. It was the same man from the earlier dream. Startled by the appearance, Puck opened his eyes, and the vision disappeared. He shook his head. He wondered if too much time alone was introducing some crazy thoughts into his subconscious mind.

The couple on the TV show had two children. One was a boy age ten, and the other was a girl age eight. Puck tried to put his dreams out of his head and focus on the show. He said to Addie, “We’ll have the house of our dreams one day. I’m saving up, little girl. Believe me, your daddy is going to make it happen. You’ll be proud of your old man.

“You’ll grow up to be a beautiful young girl, and I can already see you at your senior prom. That boy taking you is the luckiest one in the world. And there you are at graduation. I see your smile already, and your old man is the proudest parent around. He has a little gray in his hair, but he’s still handsome.” Puck laughed to himself.

Addie gurgled against his shoulder, turned her head, and drifted back to sleep. Resisting the urge to fall asleep on the couch with Addie in his arms, Puck stood and carried his precious infant back across the room to settle her into sleep with the bear at her side. Bending down to kiss Addie on her cheek, Puck whispered, “I love you, my princess…forever and ever.”