Chapter Fourteen

 

Sawyer gripped my hand as we waited in the doctor’s office for Gideon’s friend to finish with another patient. The hospital was gigantic and if it hadn’t been for him I would have been lost three times on the way here. The Queen’s Hospital is the largest hospital in Honolulu and the biggest teaching hospital. Gideon’s mother was treated here for her breast cancer, and Gideon got to know the staff well. Gideon and Dr. Keoki became good friends after Gideon hosted the neurology department at the resort for an event. I sensed Gideon found the father figure he lost, when his own dad died, in Dr. Keoki.

It was only nine a.m., but I was already anxious to leave. Sawyer and I had a full day of shopping left to accomplish and I didn’t feel like anything good would come of this appointment. I suppose the fatigue didn’t help my attitude. We only got a few hours of sleep last night, but it was worth it. After we made love in the hot tub, he lifted me out and settled me on the bed, still naked, but tucked inside the sheets until I was warm and toasty. He kissed, touched, and explored every part of me, being careful of my leg, until we couldn’t take it any longer and made love again, and again, and again. With snippets of sleep in between lovemaking sessions, I wasn’t bright eyed and bushytailed this morning. I wouldn’t change it for the world, though.

He squeezed my hand when we heard someone outside the door. “Remember,” he whispered, “whatever he says we’ll deal with together. Nothing is too much to handle when we’re doing it together.”

I gave him a reassuring smile, even though I didn’t feel it inside. “I know. No fear.”

Gideon’s friend pushed the door open. He was short and balding, not to mention nearing sixty-years-old, and not at all whom I was expecting. He stuck his hand out to me. “Hello, Rosie. I’ve heard so much about you from Gideon. I’m Dr. Keoki,” he introduced himself.

I shook his hand and smiled. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Keoki, and likewise, Gideon has nothing but good things to say about you.” I motioned to Sawyer. “This is my boyfriend, Sawyer Kanki.”

The two men shook hands and I noticed Sawyer was flustered when he spoke. Apparently, doctors make him nervous. Dr. Keoki sat at his small desk and laid a computer on the top. He spun toward us on his rolling chair and braced his hands on his knees. Over the next ten minutes he asked questions, had me attempt certain movements, and used pins and other devices to test for sensation in the leg. I described how it spasms at the hip and took the brace off to show him the torsion of the foot.

He picked the brace up and held it, turning it a few different directions. “Who prescribed the AFO?” he asked.

I stared at him confused. “AFO?”

He held up the brace. “This. It’s called an ankle foot orthotic. Doctors prescribe them to stabilize torsion.”

I swallowed and glanced at Sawyer. Would I get in trouble if I told him the truth? Sawyer smiled and nodded once, so I cleared my throat. “Uh, it wasn’t a doctor actually. I don’t want to get him in trouble, though.”

He set the brace back in my shoe. “Someone you know made it?”

I nodded. “My friend, Niko, he works with Gideon. He also works for the Children’s Hospital and makes 3D braces for them. He used a program to map my foot and sent it to his tech at the hospital. I’ve only been wearing it for a few weeks. It helps me stay upright and I didn’t think it would cause a problem to wear it for a few weeks. I wanted to know if a brace would help by the time I came in, so please don’t get him in trouble, he was only trying to help me.”

Dr. Keoki held up his hand to stop me. “No one is in trouble. I’m impressed, to be honest. He managed to create a brace, which for the most part, is exactly what I would have you wear. There’s a few modifications I would make, but I’m glad you were able to get one and try it. Do you think it helps?”

I nodded, thankful Niko wasn’t in trouble. “It’s the only thing that’s helped me since this whole thing began. I can stay upright longer and my hip spasms less. Maybe since my leg is straight instead of twisted when I wear it, the muscles don’t work as hard.”

He nodded his agreement. “You’re correct there. When the foot is twisted in eversion,” he held his hand toward the outside, “which is what it’s called, the muscles of the leg work differently. The strain at the hip would then cause it to spasm after a long day of forcing the muscles to work in a way they weren’t intended to work. He scooted forward on his stool and pointed to the scarred flesh. “The bullet basically destroyed your rectus femoris muscle here,” he explained, palpating on my good leg the top part of my thigh, “and the sartorius, which is a band like muscle running from your pelvis to the inside of your tibia,” he explained. He grabbed a chart and showed us the muscles. “Can you cross your legs when you sit?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No, at least not without lifting the left leg to set it over the right one. If I try to sit with my legs crossed my thigh will spasm almost immediately.”

“You’re saying the hip spasms because one of the muscles is damaged?” Sawyer asked.

Dr. Keoki set the chart down. “It’s one of the reasons, yes. There are others.” He opened his computer and brought up my MRI, which I had done about three months ago. “You can see these areas,” he explained, pointing at jagged white clumps inside my leg, “aren’t smooth and round the way a muscle should be on MRI. We can see the trail the bullet took as it entered her thigh and bounced around inside the leg.”

Sawyer and I both grimaced and the doctor paused. “I’m sorry. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is to see these images and relive the night it happened. I also wish I had better news for you, but this is what we know. The muscles are essentially scarred over now and there is nothing more we can do with them. Muscles scar when they heal, but we can’t always control how they accomplish regenerating themselves. Once they scar over, the human body, as wonderful as it is, will force them to keep working. Even if they aren’t working right. The massive amount of scarring will limit how far you can stretch the muscles before you damage them again. You’ll need to stay active, but I suggest low impact exercise like swimming or water sports. I also want you to start a massage routine.”

I cocked my head. “Like with a massage therapist?” I asked and he nodded.

“In the beginning, yes. Whoever you see will teach you, and whoever else who wants to learn, how to massage the hip, thigh, and foot to keep it supple. After six or seven appointments, you’ll be able to do the massage yourself each day.”

I glanced at Sawyer. “Do we have any massage therapists on Maui?”

He grasped my hand and held it tightly. “Gideon will find someone. Don’t be discouraged.”

Dr. Keoki spoke. “There are several on Maui I would recommend. I’ll give you their names. You can contact whoever you’d like when you return to the island.”

I nodded. “Okay, so if I do the massage will it make my foot straight again?”

The doctor shook his head and leaned on his thighs. “I’m sorry, Rosie, but I think Gideon may have made promises to you I can’t deliver.”

I glanced between the two men. “He said you have clinical trials and other new therapies to help me,” I explained, my voice going up an octave.

He reached out and put his hand on my good knee. “I do, but those are for patients with a specific disease causing their nerve damage. Unfortunately, what’s happened to you isn’t reversible. The damage to the femoral nerve and the saphenous nerve was extensive. The nerves have likely recovered as far as they are going to now. It’s why you have spotty sensation in the leg, pins and needles, and why it gives out on you frequently. I do want to up your dose of your nerve medication, as I think you’d benefit from a higher dosage than what you’re on.”

I swallowed and held back the tears threatening to fall. “It’s always going to be like this?” I whispered, my frustration evident in my voice. “The other doctors told me it would heal over the next year. I have four months left before it has been a year.”

The doctor hung his head. “Unfortunately, we call it practicing medicine because it’s unpredictable and we don’t know for sure how someone will respond to treatment. Everyone is different. The damage to your leg was extensive. I’m honestly surprised you’re even walking on it, and it takes a lot to surprise me. You should be proud of the work you’ve put in to rehabilitate it thus far, and your determination to keep finding ways to stay active even with the limitations,” he said, pointing at the brace.

Sawyer put his arm around my shoulder and held my face, kissing my temple. He could tell how upset I was. “Is there anything else we can do?” he begged. “Anything to make her more comfortable or have less pain. She’s in intense pain a lot and it’s hard to watch.”

The doctor nodded and sighed. “I know. I wish I had better news or I could snap my fingers and make the whole thing go away, but I can’t. I believe an increase in nerve medication and the massage therapy will turn the pain around, though. Has the brace helped with your pain at all?” he asked me.

I stayed resting on Sawyer’s shoulder when I answered. “It has. I can stay upright longer and work without collapsing as frequently. If I wear it, I can even walk on the beach if Sawyer supports me.”

“Excellent, I’m happy to hear it’s made such a difference. I’m going to recommend a more extensive brace, but the foot part of it will work the same as what you have.”

I sat up and folded my hands. “So it’s bigger, or?” I asked.

“It’s bigger, yes, it will go from your hip to your foot.” He lifted the brace from the floor and held it. “Where this one is called an AFO, the one I’m going to prescribe is called a HKAFO, hip, knee, ankle foot orthotic.”

“It will go the full length of her leg?” Sawyer asked.

“Exactly,” he agreed. “It will support her hip, thigh, knee and foot, which will decrease her pain because the damaged and scarred muscles will be supported. It will also keep the foot from everting when she walks. I’m going to ask that you work with a friend of mine in Maui. He’s been trained in HKAFOs and has multiple different kinds. He’ll find the least obtrusive, but most supportive brace for your situation. When he’s done, you’ll hardly know you have it on, I promise you.”

Sawyer spoke before I could. “We’d appreciate a referral to him.”

I nodded. “If you think it’s best then I’ll do it. I shouldn’t have let Gideon bring my hopes up. It’s just, he was so confident, and…”

The doctor shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver on whatever he told you I could. He means well, but doesn’t understand the extent of the damage to your leg. I can’t magically repair the damage a bullet like a Hydro-Shok did. Those bullets are destructive to human flesh in a way we may never understand in the medical field. I don’t have super powers, even though when I see patients like you, I wish I did. We can decrease your pain significantly, and make the leg more functional, though. You can still lead an active, happy life, once you find a routine to keep the leg supple. The key here is preventative measures. The intense pain you have right now is from your damaged muscles being stressed to their breaking point. Once we correct the mechanics of how you walk, and teach the nerves to stop firing at the wrong time, you’ll have significant relief. I wish I had better news for you, but I’m not one to sugarcoat the inevitable. You’re a strong woman evident by the fact you walked in here on a leg as mangled as yours is. I can see you’re determined to live your life regardless of what this animal did to you. A positive attitude is the biggest piece of the puzzle. You’ve got it to spare. You’ll feel like a different woman in a few months when we have the pain under control, you’re sleeping better, and you’re expending less energy to stay mobile. Okay?”

I nodded, my hands twisted together on my lap so I didn’t cry. “I’ll keep trying to stay positive. I’ve lost a lot the last year, but I’ve gained more than I could ever dream possible, too. I’ll be okay.”

He patted my knee. “Of that, I have no doubt, Rosie. You have good friends and a man who loves you. You’ll find your way around this injury if you stay patient and flexible. I can tell you roll with the punches, even when those punches aren’t fair.” He swiveled on his chair and started typing on his computer. “I’m putting in the referral to my friends in Maui. They will call you to set up appointments for massage therapy and for the brace. I’m also sending a prescription to the pharmacy for a higher dose of your nerve medication. The directions on how to increase the dosage will be on the bottle, but I’ll also give you a print out with the instructions. Will you be able to come back in a month? I would like to keep close tabs on your progress, and make changes as we need to. You’ll have my direct number as well, and I want you to call me if the spasming gets worse, or if the sensation or weakness changes.”

I nodded, but only because I couldn’t speak. There was nothing more they could do and this was going to be my life now.

Sawyer held me, and answered. “Either Gideon or I will get her here whenever you need to see her. We just appreciate you seeing her so quickly. What if she does get worse? What are the options?”

He frowned. “I’m not one who likes to speculate, Mr. Kanki. All I can say is if the nerve situation gets worse or she begins to lose use of the leg, we will have to do new nerve studies. Right now, I don’t see any indication to do those for another six months, since you just had them done. I’ve been working with patients like you for a lot of years, Rosie. It’s my professional opinion that once you start wearing the HKFAO, you’ll experience improvement in leaps and bounds. Considering how much you’ve improved already, getting your pain under control, and your muscles working right, might be all you need to get over this hump. Usually, we see an ebb and flow in pain and function the first year after an injury such as this. You’re doing wonderful and your determination should be a lesson to all of us.”

“Thank you,” I said, my voice wobbling. “I don’t feel determined a lot of the time. Vindictive, maybe, but whatever works, right?”

He laughed and nodded. “You have my expressed written consent to be vindictive. You’ve more than earned the right. Are you comfortable with the plan? I know you’re disappointed, but I don’t want to give you false hope by doing expensive, unnecessary tests. They won’t tell us anything we don’t already know, and it only draws out the inevitable diagnosis.”

I sat up straighter and clasped my hands. “I appreciate your honesty more than you know. Gideon was absolutely certain you had a way to help me, but I’m not surprised your hands are mostly tied. I’m well-versed in the extensive damage to my leg and the diagnosis I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I understand the plan and I’m more than willing to do whatever you suggest. I’m thankful you have some other avenues we can pursue. I need relief. I can’t go on like this.”

Sawyer gripped my hand. “We won’t let that happen.”

Dr. Keoki pointed at Sawyer. “Exactly what he said. I know for a fact Gideon will give you some time off if you need it. Don’t push yourself or it will take even longer for you to get the pain under control.”

I laughed quietly. “I learned that lesson the hard way a few weeks ago.”

He nodded, a smile on his face. “Gideon mentioned they’ve moved you to a less physical position, which was the best thing to do. You’ll get through this with a little help from your friends.”

Someone knocked on the door and pushed it open, handing the doctor some printed pages. He accepted them and thanked the nurse. He swiveled back to me and showed me the paperwork. He pointed out the important information and the sheet with the instructions for my nerve medicine. The nurse had already made me an appointment for next month and I promised I would clear my schedule to be here. He assured me his friends in Maui would contact me before the day was over.

We all stood and I shook his hand, thanking him again. He hugged me and assured me it was no problem and he was happy to meet me. He promised to see me again in a month and we left his office. One of Gideon’s friends at the resort lent us his car and we planned to go shopping when we finished at the hospital. As soon as we were back in the car, I rested my head on the seat and he squeezed my shoulder.

“Let’s go back to the hotel for a few hours. I think you need some time to decompress before we go out in public.”

I nodded silently as he left the parking lot and drove directly to the resort. I fought the tears the whole way, knowing I had to get through the lobby and the elevator in full display of the public. I didn’t want people asking me if I was okay. I’m not okay. I will never be okay again. A sob escaped and I clamped my hand over my mouth. He parked in the underground garage and opened my door, lifting me out. Using the employee entrance, he carried me into the building, my face buried in his chest as he strode to the elevator. After a ride to the sixth floor he swiped open the door and laid down with me on the bed, without ever letting go.

“It’s okay to cry, Rose. I know you tried not to get your hopes up, but it’s human nature to have hope. We’ll get through this, together, and be stronger for it. Don’t be afraid to lean on me, and don’t hide your emotions. I wanted to cry sitting there, too. It broke my heart to know I couldn’t do anything to make this easier for you.”

“You did, though,” I said through my tears. “You held me and answered his questions when I couldn’t. You did exactly what I needed you to do. You were here for me and didn’t insist on trying to fix something that can’t be fixed.”

He rubbed my shoulder as I snuggled into him. “I’m twice your size and I don’t have half the strength or determination you do,” he whispered. “You’ve been slaying your own demons, but at the same time, you’re always there for everyone else. You worry about Gideon and Kate’s business nonstop, you focus all your energy on the daycare and the kids in your care, and still find time to talk with anyone who seeks you out for encouragement. You get up every morning and it’s like you flip a switch. You’re determined to have the best day you can, regardless of your situation.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know how else to get from one day to the next, Sawyer. I’m afraid I’d drown in pity if I didn’t have the resort and the kids to keep me going. When I lost the baby, I curled up in a comatose ball for a full day. I had overwhelming guilt for not doing my job as a mother and protecting my baby. I guess now I overcompensate by wanting other people’s babies to get the best care possible.”

He hauled me up tight to his chest and kissed my forehead. “None of this was your fault. You couldn’t have protected the baby from Jarrett. He would have killed you if he’d had better aim, and your choices were limited. If you need to blame someone, it should be Jarrett. It’s his fault the baby died, not yours. He isn’t a father. He isn’t even human. He’s a monster, and you can’t defend yourself against a monster when you’re on the short end of the stick. I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like for a woman to lose a baby. I will never pretend like I do. I will say I’m forever grateful you were able to think on your feet and save yourself.”

“I saved myself, but for what? To have to hide for the rest of my life? To pretend like there isn’t a big red target on my head everywhere I go? To limp around in pain, and suffer with a deformity for the rest of my life? Logically, I knew,” I whispered, my voice thick with tears, “there wouldn’t be anything Dr. Keoki could do, but my heart still held out hope. I wanted him to fix me. I wanted to feel whole again. I realized when I saw the pity in his eyes, I would never be whole again. I would always be damaged. I don’t want you to be saddled with damaged, Sawyer. I love you too much to see you throw your life away on someone like me.”

He shot forward and grasped my shoulders, the expression on his face tortured and yet ecstatic. He held my chin in one hand, his gaze never wavering. “What did you say?” he whisper-asked.

“I said I don’t want to see you throw your—”

“Before that,” he whispered.

I rolled my eyes backward as I ran my words through my head. My eyes held his again and his were hopeful, his expression eager. He leaned forward and kissed me, his tongue as eager as his expression, and his lips as hopeful as his eyes. “Say it again,” he whispered, his lips still pressed against mine. “I want to hear you say it again.”

I moved my head backward and looked down at the bed. “You’ve missed the point,” I said, frustrated I couldn’t successfully get my thoughts across to him.

He shook his head, a smile growing on his face. “No, I didn’t, you have. If you love someone then you fight for them and with them. You forget about the past and search only for the future and how you want to spend it. You trust the person you love and know they’ll always be there for you, no matter what kind of physical condition you’re in. Last night, when I was crying out your name at climax, do you think anything but how beautiful you are and how amazing it felt to be inside you, went through my mind?” He paused for a minute and I finally shook my head no. He caressed my face. “You’re right, I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking about your leg when your breasts were pressed against me and your teeth bit into my lip as you slipped over the edge, your hips bucking against mine. Nothing matter to me in that moment except knowing how perfect we were for each other. And we are perfect for each other. You’ll never convince me otherwise.”

“No matter how hard I try?” I asked, wanting to tease him, but knowing it sounded like a desperate plea for him not to listen to my kind of convincing.

He held my face in his hands. “Not if you took out a billboard, or hired a plane to pull a banner. Maybe you didn’t plan on falling in love with anyone ever again, but here we are. The heart wants what the heart wants. I mean, you did introduce me as your boyfriend to Dr. Keoki.”

My mind traveled back to the conversation. I remembered how doubtful he had looked. I thought it was brought on by the doctor, but it had been my words. “I guess it was presumptuous to introduce you that way. I’m sorry if I overstepped or upset you. I wondered why you seemed off after I said it.”

His hand came up to caress my face. “You didn’t overstep. The look on my face was sheer joy that you could introduce me as your boyfriend without a thought. I want to be your boyfriend, Rose.”

I brought my arms up around his neck and kissed him. My tongue slipped in between his lips and teased his tongue back and forth. I wanted to show him how much I loved him, so I didn’t have to say it again. When we came up for air, I could feel his hardness pressing against me.

“Make love to me, Sawyer,” I said, my head falling backward.

His lips stilled on my chin and he tipped it down, his eyes meeting mine. “Say it again. Say it again and I’ll make love to you until I’m old and gray.”

“I’m afraid to,” I whispered. “I’m afraid to say it aloud and still lose you in the end.”

He laid me down, my arms still around his neck, and his lips on mine. “Only if you walk away, sweetheart. I’m here to stay.”

Painstakingly slow, he dragged my shirt over my head and my bra fell away, allowing him access to my breasts. He nipped and sucked, stroked, and rubbed, waiting for me to say the words he desperately needed to hear. He let my nipple fall from his mouth and shucked his shirt and jeans, his boxers tented painfully until I freed him from the cotton. He swallowed hard and moaned when I repaid the favor. His fingers tangled in my hair and he drew me away, back to the head of the bed. He settled between my legs, his lips back on mine until we were both writhing in need.

“Please, Sawyer. Make me feel the way you did last night,” I begged, wrapping one leg around his waist.

He raised up on his elbow and laid his finger on my lips. “I love hearing you beg, darling, but I’m still waiting for the right words.”

I squirmed under him and guided him toward me. “I can’t wait.”

He caressed my cheek and then froze, sucking air between his teeth. “I forgot, we’re out of condoms.”

“Screw condoms,” I moaned. “I trust you, Sawyer.” His breath hitched and he sucked hungrily on my breast until my back was arched into him and his tip sat at my entrance. His hand slid between my legs and when he touched me, I nearly fell apart. “You make me feel, Sawyer. For the first time in a year, I feel everything. I love you, Sawyer,” I cried, biting his shoulder as he plunged into me, his stipulations met.