Chapter Nineteen

Riley

Lena's pregnant.

The news keeps flashing through my mind even though I'm in the office, which is probably why I don't remember what happened in that meeting that just ended a few minutes ago.

I rest my elbows on top of my desk and clasp my hands in front of my face.

I can't believe it. I definitely didn't see it coming. I thought she was using contraceptives while the show was filming because that was stated in the contract. Apparently, with all the last-minute chaos, Lena didn't think of it. And I didn't even consider it when I took her in the pool that first time.

I bury my face in my hands. Now what?

I don't know what to feel. Yes, I'm glad that Lena doesn't have a serious disease. It could have been worse. But I can't bring myself to celebrate her pregnancy. It's not that I don't want it. Well, I don't know. It's more like I'm not ready.

A lot of things are happening in my life right now. I'm still learning the ropes in running this behemoth company. Lena and I are just settling into our marriage. I can't deal with this right now. And I don't even feel like trying.

"Was that first meeting that bad?" Jerry's voice jolts me out of my thoughts as he enters the room.

I put my hands down on my desk and sigh. "To be honest, I don't remember much of it."

He laughs. "I know. I probably forget half of what's said at half the meetings I go to. The other half? I wasn't listening in the first place."

He sits on the leather couch in front of my desk and grabs the newspaper from the coffee table.

"Anything new?" he asks.

"What do you mean?"

"With you and Lena," he says.

I narrow my eyes at him. Does he have mental telepathy or something?

"You know, Judy went to your house a few days ago," Jerry says. "She says she met Lena."

My eyebrows arch. "She did?"

"Yeah. Apparently they're friends now."

"Really?" I get out of my chair and walk towards the couch.

I understand why Lena would want Judy as a friend. She's lonely, after all. And she did say she didn't have friends. But Judy? Lena's not exactly like the dozens of friends she has. Besides, Lena is my wife. Why would Judy want to be friends with her? Is she over me already?

"What?" Jerry notices my puzzled silence.

"Nothing," I answer as I sit on the couch.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. At any rate, I don't want to think about it. I've got a lot on my mind right now.

"I'm just surprised because Lena didn't mention it."

Jerry shrugs. "Maybe she didn't feel a need to tell you."

"Or maybe it's because she hasn't been feeling well." I rest my head against the back of the couch.

Jerry puts down the newspaper and turns to me. "What's wrong with her?"

I draw a deep breath. "She's pregnant."

"What?" His eyes grow wide. "You're fucking kidding, right?"

I shake my head.

He faces the coffee table. "Unbelievable."

"I know."

"You've only been married for like a week, right?"

"We were married on the show, remember?"

"Right." He touches his chin. "And you had sex with her then. Wait. You didn't use protection."

"I thought she did."

"Fuck." He runs his hand through his hair. "Women can be so wily, can't they?"

I say nothing.

Jerry turns to me. "Does Mickey know?"

I shake my head. "I told the doctor not to tell anyone yet, not until I've figured out how I feel about this."

"Oh. So what? Are you considering asking Lena to get rid of the baby?"

"No." I lift my back off the couch and lean on my elbows. "We're keeping the baby no matter what. It's just... It's a bit overwhelming."

"Of course it is."

"Something tells me I should be happy, but I just don't know what I'm going to do. I've already got a lot on my plate."

"I know." Jerry pats my shoulder. "How does Lena feel?"

I shrug. "After the doctor gave the news, I left the room. I haven't seen her since."

"I see."

"She's probably expecting something from me, but I don't know what."

"It's fine." Jerry gives my shoulder another pat. "I'm sure you'll figure it all out. For now, just let it sink in. Try to get a grip on it. The rest will come to you."

"You think?"

He shrugs. "Hey, I've never been a father so I'm no expert."

I give him a puzzled look. "Why is that again?"

"Because I don't want to be tied down. You used to feel the same."

A part of me still does, but I've known for some time that marriage was inevitable.

Jerry stands up and puts his hands in his pocket. "Anyway, don't think about it too much. Sometimes the more you try to chase after an answer, the more it eludes you."

That makes sense. Just like before. Whenever I consciously tried to beat a record, I usually couldn't.

"Thanks," I tell him.

I get off the couch as well and walk to my desk.

The answer will come to me. It always does. For now, I'll focus on work or I might get into trouble with my dad. I'll think about Lena later.

~

When I come home from work, she's waiting for me outside my bedroom.

Great.

"You sure you should be out of bed?" I ask her.

Lena nods. "Dr. Henrick gave me some stuff for the morning sickness, so I feel better now."

And she looks better. Her skin has more color now.

"That's good." I grab the door knob. "I'm sorry, though. I'm a bit tired--"

She places her hand over mine. "I want to talk about the baby."

Her gaze tells me she won't take no for an answer, so I let out a sigh.

"Fine."

I open the door and let her inside my room. Afterwards, I close the door behind her and sit on the chair by the bed.

"What about it?"

"Are you still mad at me for not being on the pill?" Lena asks.

"No."

There's no point to that now.

"But you're unhappy about me being pregnant? About us having a baby?"

"I don't know, Lena," I tell her. "This is all a bit sudden. Frankly, it's too much to take. You know I've got enough to worry about."

Her eyes narrow. Her hands grip her hips.

"Oh, so you want me to do all the worrying? You think your life is the only one being... inconvenienced?"

"I didn't say that."

"I'm the one carrying this baby, Riley." She places a hand over her tummy. "If you think you're frazzled and overwhelmed, I'm on the verge of keeling over. If you think you're confused, I'm losing my mind. I'm falling apart here."

"So what do you want me to do, huh?" I get on my feet. "Keep you together? Hold you in my arms and tell you everything's alright? Well, I can't do that, Lena. I can't right now. Honestly, I don't know if everything's alright or if everything's going to be alright."

For a moment, Lena falls still and silent. Her gaze falls to the floor.

Then she nods.

"Okay," she speaks softly. "If you want to go through this alone, fine."

I let out a sigh of exasperation because that's not what I said, but I'm too tired to argue further.

"But I can't. Let me go to my sister. I want to see her." She lifts her head to throw me a pleading gaze. "I need her."

I don't answer.

"If you're worried I might run away, don't. I know what it's like to have a broken family and I don't want that for my child. I'll only be gone a few days. And I'll leave my sister's address and phone number in case you want to check on me."

I turn towards the window because I can't stand that look in her eyes any longer.

"And I won't make a scene or anything. I just want to see my family. Please."

"Go," I answer.

I was planning to end her prison sentence anyway.

"Thank you."

She walks to the door and leaves the room. I place my hand on my forehead and sigh.

Who knows? Maybe when she comes back, I'll know how to feel about the baby.