Amie

I feel broken. Shattered might be a better word.

As I stand in the middle of Lex’s room, I acknowledge for a moment that so much of this is my fault. This position I find myself in is my own doing. I’ve created this situation, maybe not consciously, but I’m still the one who should be held responsible for my emotional state.

I hate that Armstrong still has the ability to make me question myself and the people I trust.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Lex asks softly.

I think I’m even in love with his voice.

“Please.” It’s more whisper than word.

“Do you have any preference? I have sparkling water and orange juice.”

I close my eyes against the razorblade edge of pain that simple offering brings. Because Lex knows what my favorite things are. He knows the exact ratio of orange juice to sparkling water I like. He pays attention to the small details. The little things are what made me fall. I want him to fall with me. I don’t want to be alone in this love.

“That would be perfect, thank you.”

“Why don’t you have a seat?” He gestures to the couch.

My legs carry me weakly across the soft carpet and I drop down on the plush red velvet. Hours ago I’d considered how I’d planned to change into sexy lingerie and make good use of this particular piece of furniture. Now I’m sitting here, watching my life fall apart all over again, and the only constant is Lex and my bad decisions. I don’t want them to be one and the same.

I try to breathe through the pain in my chest as the conversations over the past several hours filter through my head, starting with Bane and Lex in this room, mine with Ruby next door, Armstrong’s vicious attempt at blackmail and finally the overheard conversation between Lex and Armstrong.

Dominos line up just to knock each other over, the last one threatening to tip me over the edge.

Lex sets a glass in front of me and sits at the other end of the couch, giving me space. He stretches his arm across the back of the cushions, regarding me sadly. “I think I should probably start with the discord between Armstrong and me.”

“Was I one of your competitions?”

“For Armstrong? Possibly. For me, no.”

“And I should believe you because?”

Lex exhales a heavy breath. “I don’t have a reason to lie to you, Amie. It’s not going to get me what I want and it’s only going to widen the chasm between us. I’d prefer to narrow that gap with long overdue truths.”

I motion for him to continue. My hands are shaking so much I have to hold my glass with two hands to keep it steady.

“Armstrong was my best friend growing up, as much as he could be anyone’s best friend, I suppose. Gwendolyn and my mother had very different approaches to parenting. Gwendolyn wasn’t interested in being a mother, and if she’d had her way, he would’ve been sent to boarding school like Lincoln, but for some reason that didn’t happen. My mother felt bad for him, and as a result Armstrong spent a lot of time with my family.”

“He doesn’t have a relationship with his older brother at all?” I’ve only heard mention of him in passing, Gwendolyn and Fredrick don’t even talk about him. I’m not even sure if he was invited to the wedding at all.

“He didn’t while we were growing up. Armstrong and I are the same age, so for me it was like having another brother. We were in the same classes together all the way through to high school. We joined a lot of the same teams, shared a lot of the same interests. The competitiveness started out innocently enough. It was just the usual kid stuff, who got the highest marks, the most goals, the best golf score.”

He pauses to take a sip of his drink. “We got into a lot of trouble together. I got in more when I was with him, but he was really good at pushing the blame on me, and I took it most of the time because my parents weren’t as hard on me as his were on him.

“Anyway, in high school things started to change. You know how it is, new friends, new interests. I had an easier time making friends than he did, and he didn’t really like that. One day me and a bunch of guys decided to go down to the river and Armstrong wanted to come even though water and heights freak him out.”

“The bridge-jumping accident?”

“Did Ruby tell you about that?” He taps restlessly on the back of the couch.

“She didn’t have much in the way of details. I can’t imagine Armstrong jumping off a bridge into water.”

“He shouldn’t have done it, and it was my fault he did.” He sighs but keeps talking. “Armstrong had managed to steal a bottle of his dad’s scotch, so the guys were all over him being there, even though most of them didn’t really like him, because as you know, Armstrong can be a dick when he wants to. I was used to it, but sometimes it got tiring. We were drinking and being stupid. Armstrong wouldn’t stop one-upping me on everything. It was petty teenage posturing. I should’ve just let it go, but I’d had enough that day, so when the guys decided to bridge jump, I dared Armstrong to do it. At first I didn’t think he would, but I just kept pushing. I should’ve known better.”

“I can’t believe he went through with it.”

“Neither could I, to be honest. He’d had a lot of shots. He was trying to be cool. We all were. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was a really bad idea. He full on panicked as soon as he hit the water. One of the guys took a bunch of pictures of the whole thing, from Armstrong jumping to me going in after him. He almost ended up drowning us both. He pulled me under trying to use me to stay afloat. That’s when I ripped my back open on the rocks. Eventually I managed to get us out.”

I can only imagine how terrifying that would’ve been. And how guilty Lex must have felt after that. “What happened with the pictures?”

Lex exhales a tired breath. “He posted them all over the place. Most of the school saw them and drew their own conclusions. They weren’t flattering for Armstrong.”

“Oh God.” The humiliation must have been awful for him.

“Yeah. It was like teenage social murder for Armstrong. It made me look like some kind of hero and Armstrong just like this self-indulgent brat, when really it was my fault he jumped at all. If I hadn’t gone in after him he might not have survived. I couldn’t have lived with that. Eventually his family was able to have the images removed, but the damage was already done.”

It’s hard not to feel for both of them in that situation. Kids can be cruel to each other, and it seems like there were no innocents here. “What happened after that?”

“Gwen blamed it on me, and my mother blamed it on Armstrong. They separated us. For me it was manageable, I had two brothers, but he had no one, and school wasn’t a great place for him. After that the competition between us got a lot worse, and became less . . . innocuous. He couldn’t get over what had happened so he went out of his way to do things to mess with me. If I was interested in someone he’d find a way to fuck it up or get in there before I could. That wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but sometimes it got nasty. I was complicit more than I should’ve been. He’d sabotage me and then I’d do the same to him.”

“Sabotage how?” I don’t know this side of Lex and I’m not sure I like it.

“Some of it was just prank stuff. Once he put laxatives in my protein shake when we were on the soccer team. It was a huge game. I was better than he was, but then I couldn’t play and he got more time on the field because of it. And once I gave him a bogus copy of an exam so he’d memorized all the wrong things and tanked. It ruined his GPA that year.”

I got into trouble, but not that kind. “That’s—”

“Vindictive.” Lex purses his lips, watching my reaction. “It wasn’t good and those weren’t even close to the worst things we did to each other. Armstrong’s retaliations were creative, but mine were just as bad. There were a couple of summers I got sent to work with my dad on projects out of the country because Armstrong and I together was bad news. By college we didn’t get along at all.

“He’d do things to make me look incompetent, embarrass me at family functions, really just anything he could do to make things difficult for me. A few times he managed to hack into my work email and mess with files when I first started working with my father. There weren’t any lines he wouldn’t cross, and it seemed like it was confined to me and no one else. And then he started using people against me.”

“Using people how?” I have to wonder if this is where I come in.

Lex watches the ice cubes swirl in his glass. “He’d screw a girl I was dating just to piss me off. He made relationships impossible for a while and I just kind of took it, because he was already fucked up and I felt like it was my fault that it got worse. But he just kept pushing, and every time I pushed back it would escalate. I didn’t want to keep perpetuating that kind of toxic conflict, it was too consuming, and it was making a mess of my life. So after a while if he wanted something, I just let him have it.”

So much makes sense now. I ask the question I have half an answer to already. “Is that what happened with me?”

“I pointed you out to someone at that event. I didn’t realize Armstrong was listening. I called dibs like an asshole and went to talk to you.”

“And when you went to get me a drink . . .”

Lex smiles ruefully. “Armstrong did what he does best, he stepped in and put on the charm.”

“He warned me about you, said he was saving me from making a mistake.”

“Sounds exactly like something he would say, and I’m sure in his mind it’s true.”

My mouth is dry and my palms are clammy. “And how did you retaliate?”

“I didn’t. I mean, sure, I was annoyed, and yeah, I wanted to, but that’s just what Armstrong does. I figured he would screw up somehow and that whatever was going on between you wouldn’t last long. I was shocked when you got engaged. And then I figured maybe you were really good for him. That you’d been able to bring out better parts in him, if there were any left.”

“But I didn’t.”

“In your defense, I don’t think there is any good in Armstrong to bring out. I just really couldn’t understand how he managed to get you to agree to marry him.” Lex looks at me like he’s expecting answers of his own.

Explaining is hard, because my reasons for agreeing to marry Armstrong weren’t the right ones. “Obviously I made a huge mistake.”

“I want you to know that as much as I didn’t like that Armstrong was marrying you, I never would’ve done anything to compromise that. I get that it might be difficult not to see the coincidences as more than that, but I had no plans to sabotage him, not with Brittany, not with me being in your bridal suite. It was the best place to hide.”

“What about Bora Bora?”

“My being there was another very odd coincidence. I’d like to think of it more as fate pulling strings.” He gives me a small smile.

“So sleeping with me wasn’t about getting back at Armstrong?”

“You were in a bad headspace, Amie. Revenge isn’t a good enough reason to hurt someone who’s already hurting. I really tried to do the right thing, but then you were in the bar, and that guy was hitting on you. The last thing I wanted was you getting taken advantage of by some island rando. I thought I was a better distraction.”

I drop my eyes, unable to meet his gaze right now. “You were an excellent distraction.”

“But I wasn’t just a distraction, was I? I might be able to understand if Bora Bora was a complete fuckfest, but that’s not what it felt like to me. The only time we weren’t together was when I had meetings, and even then I found ways to keep you with me. And what about the past two months? You sleep in my bed. I sleep in yours. You have a toothbrush in my bathroom and the code to my condo.

“That would have to be a pretty elaborate ruse, and I would have to be a pretty awful person to string you along like that, especially after what you’ve been through. That would make me far worse than Armstrong. I hope you don’t think I’m capable of that kind of maliciousness.”

I shift so I’m facing him. “I would never want to believe you could be that spiteful. I just . . . I’ve just made so many bad choices. Even the ones I thought were good ended up being bad.”

“And that’s what you’re worried about? That I’m another bad choice?”

“Not exactly. I’m worried Armstrong won’t sign the papers. And even when he does, can you honestly tell me you want to get caught up in all of this with me?” I want to be right about him. I want him to want me the way I want him.

“Come on, Amie. I thought we were past this. I know you’ve been through a lot and I haven’t wanted to push you into something you’re not ready for, but now . . . I don’t know. Knowing you the way I do, I’m just trying to understand what you were doing with Armstrong in the first place and whether the papers are just an excuse to keep this”—he motions between us—“from being something real.”

I hadn’t really considered that; the possibility that the papers are just another way to keep myself guarded from the things I want but fear I’m not meant to have, like happiness and love. “I just wanted to make the right choice for once.”

“You keep saying that, and I’m not sure I understand what it means.”

“I made a lot of bad boyfriend decisions when I was younger, and that didn’t really change as I got older. Before Armstrong, I got involved with someone who caused a lot of problems.”

“What kind of problems?”

“The kind where I ended up detained in an interrogation room in a Mexican airport with a room full of armed guards.”

His eyes widen in shock. “You want to elaborate?”

“Apparently the import-export business isn’t always aboveboard.”

“Apparently.”

“That was the worst trouble I’d ever gotten into, and I promised myself and my family it wouldn’t happen again. When you introduced yourself that night I was so taken. You seemed like exactly my type; gorgeous, smooth, and that sleeve . . .” I tilt my head to the side, remembering the way his cuff had pulled up when he kissed the back of my hand. How electric that feeling had been. “But when Armstrong followed it up with a warning—”

“You heeded it.”

“He was the exact opposite of the guys I usually ended up with, and he seemed like a safe choice.”

After a brief silence he asks, “Did you love him?”

“I thought I did. I wanted to believe I did, but I fell in love with the idea of him, not the reality. At the time I couldn’t differentiate between the two.” I rub my temple, trying to ease the ache. “It’s hard to come to terms with knowing the entire relationship was a lie. He only wanted me so you couldn’t have me.”

“I don’t know that it’s that simple.”

“It feels that simple.” It’s so much to process, and I worry that this honesty will make Lex look at me differently, make him want me less, or maybe not at all.

“He cared about you as much as he knows how to care about anyone other than himself.”

“It just makes me question everything. All my choices.”

“Am I included in those choices?”

There’s pain in his voice. I don’t want to look at him and see the hurt. So much has changed over the course of this evening, and yet, so much is still the same. “I don’t want you to be. I’m confused. I was already conflicted tonight when we almost got caught, and then all this stuff with Armstrong happened. My head is mixed up. I’m still afraid to trust my own feelings.”

Lex taps the edge of the couch. “And what are your feelings?”

I love you. I want to be with you. I should’ve waited for you to come back with that drink. I say none of those things. I can’t even look at him when I whisper, “I’m afraid I can’t answer that right now.”

He moves in close and runs soft fingertips along my cheek. “Okay. I’m going to stop pushing you for answers you’re not ready to give.”

I lean in to the touch. It’s like everything else ceases to exist as soon as we’re connected this way. I want to lose myself in him, but I know I can’t. Not when there are things I need to take care of first. Not when there are endings that need to happen before we start a new beginning. I turn my face and hold his hand in mine, pressing my lips against his palm.

Lex’s eyes fall shut as a rueful smile curves the corner of his mouth. “You know I don’t ever want to say no to you.”

I nod. “I know.” I think I love him all the more for wanting to be more than just a distraction from tonight.

“I know what I want, and I know exactly how I feel about you. As soon as you figure you out, we can figure us out.”