Chapter 12

 

 

HOW TO Be a Normal Person

Step 18: How to Have a Normal Social Life

Congratulations! You’ve made it this far in your journey to becoming completely normal. You should feel proud of yourself. It can be hard to hold back those pesky eccentricities that make you stick out like a sore thumb, but as long as you continue to follow these steps, people should be commenting on how normal you are in no time!

Now it’s time to take all that you’ve learned and apply it to what can be a risky situation: having a social life. It can be difficult to feel comfortable in a social setting, given that you will be expected to respond and communicate with others in what could potentially be an undisciplined setting. There are no specific guidelines on how each social event can go. It will depend upon the people involved, the setting, the reason for the gathering, and many other variables that should be assessed before you make a decision on how to act accordingly.

For example, if you walk into a room and people are wearing black and crying or whispering discreetly, chances are you’ve walked into a wake or a funeral, and you should not ask anyone in the room if they would like to go play a round of miniature golf because this party is way lame. For more information on how to act at a funeral, please click here to be redirected.

Another example of avoiding awkward situations can be a person’s exuberance. Say that you are interested in someone and would like to get to know them better. What more perfect time to do so than in a social setting surrounded by others? Instead of standing in the corner and staring at the object of your affections like a crazy person, go over and talk to them. Tell them an interesting, normal fact about yourself as an icebreaker. You could say, “Hi, I couldn’t help but notice you like white zinfandel. One time, I smashed a bucket of grapes with my feet and then drank it after it fermented.”

However, and this is more directed toward men out there, it can be difficult to avoid certain instances where your body is more ready for “interaction” than the rest of you is. For steps on how to hide an erection, please click here to be redi—

 

 

HOW TO Hide an Erection

This can be a tough situation, right, gentlemen? Here you are, minding your own business when a pretty girl or a handsome fella walks by or you see that actress on a movie poster or that meat counter guy at the grocery store asks if you want a sample of tube steak or a breeze blows absolutely the wrong way and you find yourself in one of the most awkward situations a man can find himself in: an erection in public.

By following these simple and easy tips, you can learn how to avoid, hide, or disguise your public erection so that no one will be the wiser!

Step 1: Plan Ahead

If you know your erection is going to be a problem, it’s best to plan “a head.” Try to avoid restrictive clothing such as spandex or leather chaps. It is harder to conceal an erection if your pubic region is constricted.

For example, instead of wearing skinny jeans, consider wearing khaki cargo pants. Also consider wearing a long shirt or a fanny pack that can sit low on your waist. These can act as cover in case your erection interrupts at an inopportune time.

Step 2: Uh-Oh, Now What?

So, you’ve got an erection. And you’re in a public place such as an opera or an ethnic food festival. The shame you feel must be extraordinary. But stop! It’s not your fault! Your body has natural reactions to stimuli, and sometimes, you have no control over what your body decides to react to. There are several options you have at this point:

—Pretend your hands are cold and put them in your pockets. Once done, make your hands into fists so that the front of your pants rises from your member, creating less friction.

—If you are at the library, take a book from the shelf and place it in front of your crotch. Act casual when you do it so as to not draw attention to your actions.

—Do math. Nothing gets rid of erections like performing algebra in your head. If you are not math-oriented, consider listing off all fifty states in alphabetical order or humming your favorite church hymn. When people hear a man humming “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” they won’t be thinking he has an erection.

—Try watching television. Remember, avoid television programs that will potentially prolong erections like Baywatch or Golden Girls. Stick with something basic that is guaranteed to kill any and all arousal like Fox News.

Step 3: The Object of Your Affections

Say, guys! Are you out on a date with the gal or fella of your dreams? There is nothing worse than trying to have meaningful and stimulating conversation only to find that you’ve been overstimulated and now are faced with one heck of a problem. If it doesn’t look like it’s in the cards that you’ll be getting lucky, you may be stuck between a cock and a hard place. If you’re out having drinks, consider crossing your legs and placing your ice-cold drink in your lap. Or, carefully make your way to the restroom to give your member some much-needed air. However, be careful doing this in a public restroom. Make sure the stall door is locked and if someone taps your foot underneath the stall or you see a hole in the wall, ignore it because that could only lead to further problems like prolonging your erection or jail time. Either way will most certainly not impress your date!

“Oh my god, who the fuck wrote all of this?” Gus groaned, banging his head against the computer keys.

 

 

IT HAD been weeks since their first hangout (he both loved and hated that word), and Gus was pretty sure he sort of had a not-really boyfriend of some kind. He’d never been in the position before, and he was unsure really of what to do next.

Granted, he could just ask Casey, but that way lay danger (because what if Casey laughed at him? Or what if Casey said no thank you? Or what if Casey said that it was nice while it lasted but he’d found an even more normal person than Gus could ever be and they ran off to live in platonic happiness for the rest of their lives?).

It was all very confusing for Gustavo Tiberius. And if there was one thing he hated more than Michael Bay, it was to be unsure about something. Unfortunately, his encyclopedias were of no help and Gus was starting to get slightly afraid of the Internet (seriously, how were there ads on websites for things he was just looking at three minutes before? Gus wasn’t paranoid by nature, but he was pretty much convinced the NSA was onto him and his browser history was something he most definitely didn’t want released to the public).

So he went with the next best source of information he had on a warm Thursday in June.

He waited until they were inside the door before he looked at them and said, “Welcome to Pastor Tommy’s Video Rental Emporium. Did you enjoy Casablanca? Please help me because I think I have a boyfriend but I don’t know for sure.”

The We Three Queens stared at him.

Bertha said, “I think Casablanca is overrated, to be honest. And what do you mean you think?”

Bernice said, “Ingrid Bergman was all woman, let me tell you. And how do you not know?”

Betty said, “The romance was certainly passable, if I say so myself. And can’t you just ask him if he’s your boyfriend?”

Gus scowled. “You think you’re being logical, but you’re really not. And I’m pretty much convinced now your inspirational calendar is alive and it’s going to murder me because it knows everything that is going on in my life.”

“How so?” Bertha asked.

“I’m having a mental crisis about the state of my romantic life,” Gus said, aware of how ridiculous that sentence sounded and vowing to say nothing of the sort ever again. “And the damn calendar’s message today was that I’ll get the answers I seek as long as I know the questions to ask.”

“Ooh,” the We Three Queens breathed.

“Prescient,” Bertha said.

“Ominous,” Betty said.

“I knew we shouldn’t have bought it from that traveling gypsy,” Betty said.

“You bought it from where?” Gus said, already planning on closing the store and going home to research gypsy curses on the Internet.

Betty rolled her eyes. “Calm down, Esmerelda. We bought it at Walmart on the clearance rack.”

“Oh,” Gus said. “That… that doesn’t really make me feel any better.”

“It shouldn’t,” Betty said. “It was $1.99.”

“Boys are dumb,” Bertha said. “All you have to do is ask and you will have all the answers you want.”

“Well, yeah,” Gus said as Harry S. Truman gnawed gently on his finger. “But what if the answer isn’t the one I want to hear?”

“Then you buck up and move on and don’t forget the lessons you learned,” Bernice said.

“See?” Gus said. “That’s sounds awful. I don’t want to go that direction. I’d rather it be frustratingly vague or ignore it all together.”

“You won’t have to because it won’t go that direction,” Betty said. “Anyone can see that boy is ass over elbows for you.”

Gus grimaced. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing.”

“It’s a good thing,” Betty assured him. “What do the kids say these days? Blast it all. Oh! He like likes you.”

“Ew,” Gus said. “Never say that to me again.”

“The point is,” Bertha said. “You’re telling yourself you’re going to get hurt when it’s most likely quite the opposite.”

“Or you could just kiss him,” Bernice said. “That usually works too.”

“Why do I have to do anything?” Gus muttered. “Maybe he should have to do it.”

“Yeah,” Betty said. “Because he’s the one asking us for advice on how to get a boyfriend.”

“Oh burn,” Bernice whispered.

“Hey!” Gus barked. “I’m trying over here!”

“You should get some cream for those burns,” Bernice whispered.

“We know you are,” Bertha said. “And it’s been just lovely to watch. I don’t think I’ve seen you smile before Casey came to Abby.”

“I don’t smile,” Gus retorted, even though he’d caught himself smiling just two days ago for absolutely no reason other than Casey sending him a text that said I thnk ur supr. He took it as Casey thought he was super and not supper, because one way was nice and the other promoted cannibalism.

“You should probably go to the burn unit for those burns,” Bernice whispered.

“Oh my god,” Gus said. “Bernice. What the hell.”

“Where is your maybe boyfriend?” Betty asked.

Gus rolled his eyes. “I made him stay at the coffee shop to finish up the chapter he’s working on. He needs to turn the next portion in by the end of June and he’s been procrastinating. I told him he can’t come over here until he’s done.”

Almost quicker than he could follow, Bernice was standing in front of him, liver-spotted hand curled in the cuff of his red Hawaiian shirt, pulling him down until they were face to face. “He’s working on DesRinaDale?” she demanded. “Speak, boy. Tell me of the secrets he writes within his pages lest I bloody your nose in glorious retribution.”

“Lest you what?” Gus squeaked.

Bertha sighed. “She really does love those books.”

“A little too much if you ask me,” Betty said.

“Uh,” Gus said. “Guys? Some help?”

“They can’t hear you,” Bernice hissed. “Tell me what I want to know!”

“I don’t know what DesRinaDale is!”

It’s Desmondo, Catarina, and Martindale!” she all but shrieked. “It’s how I ship them!”

“I didn’t understand anything of what you just said,” Gus said, struggling to get away.

“Bah!” she shrieked, shaking him a little. For being an elderly lady, she was frighteningly strong. Gus made a mental note to increase his workout regimen to ensure he could take Bernice in a fight if he had to. He was not looking forward to that day.

She let him go and took some deep, calming breaths. When she opened her eyes again, they were free from fandom rage and she resembled the sweet old lady he’d known for years. “Sorry about that, dear,” she said sweetly. “Sometimes I forget myself when I Hulk out. I take DesRinaDale very seriously. I can’t promise it won’t happen again, but just know I apologize in advance.”

“That is not as comforting as you think it is,” Gus said. “And maybe Casey doesn’t even want to date me. He’s asexual. He doesn’t like that sort of thing.”

Bertha frowned. “Now you’re generalizing and that’s not fair. Sex and romance don’t always have to go hand in hand, Gustavo. And there’s a difference between being asexual and aromantic. Asexuals experience little to no sexual attraction. Aromantics experience little to no romantic attraction. They’re not the same. And you can be one without the other. Or both. Or neither.”

“You just have to decide what you want,” Betty told him. “And decide what he wants. If they’re both mutual, then it goes somewhere. If it’s not, at least you have a new friend out of this.”

She was right, of course. Gus was just trying to pawn off his own insecurities on Casey when he should be dealing with them on his own. He wasn’t quite as normal as he wanted to be, but he was getting there. He figured he would just need to try harder.

“I could invite him to the Strawberry Festival next week,” he said begrudgingly.

“You mean that festival you say is the worst thing in the world?” Bertha asked.

“That festival where the town gathers to interact and the only day every year you actively try to leave Abby?” Bernice asked.

“The festival where you said, and I quote, ‘I would rather burn on the surface of the sun than ever be caught dead at because oh my god, a strawberry festival? Seriously? This is not the nineteen fifties and we don’t live in Mayberry. Shoot me in the face.’ End quote. That strawberry festival?”

“Your impression of me is terrible,” Gus said. “I don’t sound anywhere near that dramatic and what was with your face? Are you having a stroke? Do I need to call 911?”

“That’s what you look like when you scowl,” Bertha explained.

“I regret ever having talked to any of you,” Gus grumbled.

“Well,” Bernice said. “This has been lovely. So, since you will be in attendance to the conveniently timed festival, the only thing that remains is the easy part, which is to formally invite him as your date.”

Gus never understood what true terror was up until that moment.

 

 

HOW TO Ask a Guy on a Date

So! You’ve got your eye on someone, do you? Congratulations! It’s a great feeling to find someone you connect with. And now, you’re ready to take that next step and ask him on a date. It can be nerve-racking, sure, but with these easy-to-follow steps, you’ll have that guy of your dreams on your arm in no time!

Step 1: Set up the Scene

When you are ready to ask the guy out, make sure to avoid high-pressure situations. If you are both police officers, don’t ask him out in the middle of a drug bust of a Colombian drug cartel. If you’re a video store owner, make sure it’s not on a day when you have reduced-price rentals as those days tend to be the busiest.

“What,” Gus said, staring at his computer. “No. Seriously. What.”

Make sure the object of your affections is comfortable. Don’t force an answer and don’t put pressure on him to answer right away. Make sure to act calm, cool, and collected. Don’t get upset if the answer is no. Sometimes, these things happen. And it’s okay if it does! That just means that the timing wasn’t right or the guy sees you as more of a friend than anything.

 

“Hi,” Gus said as he walked into the coffee shop the following week.

“Hey, man,” Casey said, looking up from his laptop. “That time already?”

“Sure,” Gus said, trying to radiate confidence. He glanced at Lottie, who was doing a shit job of pretending she wasn’t listening in, which meant the We Three Queens had already gotten to her. Damn them. And damn her too.

“Cool, man. I got some good word count out today. I think I’ve—”

“Can I talk to you?” Gus blurted.

“Sure,” Casey said, cocking his head. “You know that. Anything, Gustavo.”

“Okay,” Gus said. He looked around, scoping out the scene before looking back at Casey. “Are you comfortable?”

“In this chair?” Casey asked, sounding confused.

“With your surroundings,” Gus clarified.

“Um. I think so?”

 

Good, now that he’s comfortable, make sure you maintain eye contact. It shows that you are confident in your ability to ask someone out, and will help put the guy at ease. Try to show in your eyes that you are paying attention to him and only him so that there is no misunderstanding at what you want.

 

Gus stared at Casey, barely blinking.

“What are you doing?” Casey asked, squinting at him.

“Making sure you understand,” Gus said. “Do you feel at ease?”

“Oh my god,” Lottie moaned in the background.

 

Make sure that if the guy should say no, you have a way to leave quickly and safely. Don’t be rude about it; it’s possible that the timing just wasn’t right. If he should say no, have a planned reason for needing to leave, like you just remembered you left a cake in the oven or you are taking a business trip to Uruguay and the plane leaves in forty minutes.

 

Gus looked at the door to the coffee shop. If Casey said no, he’d remember to tell him he’d left a business cake in Uruguay (or whatever it was, Gus couldn’t really think clearly right now), before running as quickly as he could out the door.

 

It’s okay to be slightly flirty! If you do decide to flirt, keep it clean and low-key. Don’t make overtly suggestive comments as they might make him uncomfortable. Complimenting a person is a great way to flirt, but don’t overdo it.

Also, don’t wear revealing clothing because you are trying to ask a guy out, not hook up in the back of a bar where the techno music is too loud. Keep it sexy, but also keep it classy. Make him work for it!

 

Gus looked down. He was wearing jeans that were frayed slightly and a purple Hawaiian shirt. He’d undone the top button and hoped that it wasn’t too revealing. He didn’t know how sexy it was, but he didn’t think Casey cared about that part too much. He just hoped he didn’t look like a club whore.

And flirting! He could do this. He had practiced in the mirror in the bathroom at the Emporium. He looked up at Casey, cocked an eyebrow in such a way as to hopefully be considered slightly provocative, and said, “Hey. I like your hair and your tattoos and your face and your personality.” And then he winked.

Lottie wheezed something fierce.

“Thank you,” Casey said, visibly struggling not to grin. “I like those things about you as well. I also like your nose and your eyes and the way you scowl at Girl Scouts when they try to sell you cookies but you end up buying them anyway.”

“Cool,” Gus said. “That’s real cool.”

 

Have an event or date already in mind. It will help when the guy you’re asking says yes and you’re not left floundering for ideas. This will be especially helpful if he asks right away what you’ll be doing or if he wants to know what the date will entail before he says yes. Make sure the date is something pleasant and able to be enjoyed by all. You should not be asking a guy on a first date to your parole hearing or to pick you up after having a growth removed from your back. Make it something fun like a lecture on Mesoamerica or a pottery class that you both can make clay plates you will never use.

 

Okay, the flirting was out of the way. He’d botched it a little, but Casey had blushed the tiniest bit, so Gus considered that a win. He’d expected to go down in flames, but so far, he was doing reasonably well, no matter how much Lottie seemed to be choking in the background.

“So,” Gus said. “You’re comfortable. You feel at ease. I winked at you, which honestly, I might be starting to regret. Do you know the Strawberry Festival?”

“You mean that festival that the chamber of commerce has literally covered the town in flyers for?” Casey asked, leaning toward Gus.

“Yes,” Gus said. “That one.”

“No, man,” Casey said. “I have no idea.”

“Oh,” Gus said. “Well, it’s a festival. For strawberries.”

“Really?” Casey asked, not even trying to hold back the smile. “You don’t say.”

“Really,” Gus said. “There is food and music and games. And strawberries.”

“Huh,” Casey said. “And you enjoy that?”

“Not in the slightest,” Gus said. “Er. I mean. Yes. It’s a wonderful event that promotes a sense of community.”

“Okay, you want to go, then?” Casey asked. “It’s on Saturday, right? You could close the Emporium early and we can go together.”

“Yes,” Gus said. “I want that. That sounds nice. Yes please.”

“Cool,” Casey said, sitting back in his chair and looking satisfied. “Then it’s a date.”

“Cool,” Gus echoed. Then, “Wait. What?”

“We’re going on a date,” Casey said. “To the Strawberry Festival.”

“What? But… that’s not… oh my god… you weren’t supposed to… I was going to ask… why did you just take my picture?”

“I have to document this moment,” Casey said. “The world needs to know that this just occurred.” He started typing furiously. “Hey, followers. Just asked Gustavo out on a date. This is his reaction while saying yes. Winkie face. Blushing face. Heart eyes face. Hashtag took long enough. Hashtag Grumpy Gus has leveled up. Hashtag mountain town adventures. Hashtag what will I wear. Hashtag strawberry festival. Hashtag leave no stoner unturned. And posted.” He put the phone down and looked up at Gus expectantly. “You’re very popular with my followers. They ship us and call us Tibards, for Tiberius and Richards. It’s awesome.”

Gus didn’t really know what to do with that. He didn’t really understand what shipping was. And he thought Tibards sounded like tuberculosis. “That’s bodacious,” he said. “Or whatever the kids say these days. I don’t even know.”

Casey demanded, “We need to hug now.”

And who was Gus to argue with that.

No one, that’s who.

And besides, he was getting really good at hugs now, given that this was their ninth one. He thought about looking up how to give better hugs on the Internet, but he didn’t think normal people did that. Because that was just weird.

He didn’t need it, anyway. From the way Casey held on, he was doing good.

And he was almost able to ignore Lottie behind them while they hugged, giving Gus two thumbs-up and winking.

Almost.