Chapter 17

 

 

HOW TO Introduce Your Friends to the Friends of Your Lover

Well, isn’t this interesting? You’ve decided to introduce your friends to those of your significant other. Much like was taught in the lessons of How to Make Friends with a Cat, this may require time and patience before you—

 

 

HOW TO Make Friends with a Cat.

So, you have a cat who is not your friend. Right, right, because why else would you be here? That would be weird if you didn’t own a cat or want to own a cat or even knew a cat to befriend. But since you are here, you obviously have the heart of a cat to win.

Step 1: Let the Cat Make the First Move

Yes, this can be difficult when you see a pile of fluff and you want nothing more than to put your face in it and blow. But, as is well known, cats are inherently evil and this could lead to significant injuries to your lips, gums, and eyes. Whatever you do, do not blow on a cat that you don’t know.

To begin, keep your distance, but make your presence known. For example, when you are entering a room where the cat is known to be, simply bang lightly on the walls or say, “Hey, cat. I’m announcing my presence. It would be cool if we could be friends.” If you do this every time you enter a room, the cat will get more used to you. This is called conditioning, and is sometimes used on prisoners of war, only not as politely. You don’t need to waterboard your cat to get it to be your friend.

Once the cat is conditioned, it will potentially begin to acknowledge you as a being worth its time and energy. That’s when you know the true battle has begun—

 

“What the hell am I reading?” Gus demanded. “How did I even end up here? Goddamn you, Internet. Come on, Gus. Focus.”

 

 

HOW TO Introduce Your Friends to the Friends of Your Lover

Well, isn’t this interesting? You’ve decided to introduce your friends to those of your lover. Much like was taught in the lessons of How to Make Friends with a Cat, this may require time and patience before you are able to achieve the results you desire. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are bonds between two groups of people united by lovers.

 

“So gross,” Gus muttered. “Lovers should not be used to describe anyone anywhere ever.”

 

Step 1: Pick Neutral Ground

It is very important for everyone to feel comfortable during the first meeting, which means picking a place that neither group of people claims as their own. For example, if your friends are metalheads and your lover’s friends are Christians, it’s probably not a good idea for the first meeting to be at a death metal concert with a band named Boners for Satan. The Christians might not feel comfortable as they won’t have immediate access to hymnals to counteract the satanic sex lyrics. In this case, an appropriate meeting place for metalheads and Christians might be a farmer’s market or a mariachi festival.

 

Gus had this first part down. Lottie had graciously invited everyone to her house where she and Casey would be cooking. The Three Ironic Amigos weren’t staying there, and Gus had only been in Lottie’s house a few times since he and Casey preferred Gus’s place.

It was the second step he was more worried about.

 

Step 2: That One Friend

We all have them. You know what I’m talking about. That One Friend. Yes, That One Friend who you love dearly and enjoy very much, but who can be a bit on the wild side. Their personality isn’t for everyone. What you might consider bubbly, others might potentially consider undesirable. Before you decide which of your friends is That One Friend, make sure you look inside yourself to make sure that you’re not That One Friend.

 

Gus looked inside himself and was most certain that no one would ever use the term “bubbly” to describe him, so he was confident he was not That One Friend.

 

That One Friends tend to not understand certain social situations don’t always require them to tell the story of the time they backpacked through Europe and met a band of roving gypsies, or that one time when they went to the zoo and fell into a hippopotamus exhibit while their drag queen friend recorded the entire thing.

 

“What,” Gus said.

 

It’s best to speak to That One Friend ahead of time. Don’t come across as irritated or demanding. Speak slowly and clearly, making sure That One Friend understands you love them just the way they are, but maybe, just this one time, they can tone it down a little. If That One Friend is truly your friend, then they will understand. Be calm. Be reassuring. Give a compliment, followed by constructive criticism, ending with another compliment. A compliment sandwich will make That One Friend your friend for always!

 

The problem was that Gus didn’t have That One Friend.

He had three of them.

“We need to talk,” Gus said slowly and clearly when the We Three Queens arrived at his house, Harry S. Truman in tow.

“Oh dear,” Bernice said. “Are you breaking up with us?”

“That’s not what this is about,” Gus said.

“Why are you speaking like that?” Bertha asked.

“It sounds like you’re talking in slow motion,” Betty said.

“Please,” Gus said. “Have a seat.”

The We Three Queens sat on the couch and looked at him expectantly.

“You’re meeting Casey’s friends tonight,” Gus said, enunciating each word as carefully as possible.

“Yes,” Bertha said. “We’re aware.”

“Was it supposed to be a surprise?” Bernice asked. “Because if so, you’re terrible at surprises. Because you told us. As did Casey. That’s, like, the anti-surprise.”

“It wasn’t a surprise,” Betty said, patting Bernice’s hand.

“Notice how I am calm and reassuring,” Gus said.

“That’s your calm and reassuring face?” Bertha asked.

“That looks more like a constipated face,” Bernice said.

“Maybe Gus is calm and reassuring when constipated,” Betty said.

“Oh,” Bernice said. “Then why did he want a colon flush?”

“Or the proctologist?” Bertha asked.

“Gus works in mysterious ways,” Betty said.

“Quite,” Bertha said.

“Indeed,” Bernice said.

Gus moved forward with the compliment sandwich. “You all look lovely this evening.”

“Why thank you, Gus,” Bertha said.

“I got these earrings from a Mexican dollar store,” Bernice said. “In Mexico.”

“I was going to shave my head but decided against it,” Betty said.

Now the constructive criticism. “You’re all fucking crazy,” Gus said seriously.

“That is most certainly true,” Bertha said. “But that is why I take antipsychotics.”

“Mexican dollar stores are not like American dollar stores,” Bernice said. “Because Mexico didn’t use dollars.”

“You should have seen some of my crazy during the war,” Betty said. “Bamboo shunts under fingernails are not for the faint of heart.”

And the final piece of the sandwich. “You guys are my best friends.”

“Oh, Gustavo,” Bertha said with a sniff. “You’re a peach and I would eat you so.”

“I don’t think I’ve been this happy since yesterday when I found a coupon for Taco Bell,” Bernice said, wiping her eyes.

“Breathe through it, Betty old girl,” Betty said, bringing a fist to her lips. “Breathe through the feelings.”

“Good?” Gus asked after the emotions died down.

“Good,” the We Three Queens said.

“Fuck yeah,” Gus said. “Let’s rock this joint.”

 

 

STEP 3: COMING Together Always Feels Good

Now it’s time. You’ve picked a neutral location. You’ve had the necessary discussion with That One Friend. Now it’s time to bring your friends and the friends of your lover together in what is sure to be a pleasant and enjoyable time had by all.

Start with the basics. Make sure to introduce each of your friends and tell a fun, memorable fact about each of them so your friends know you care and your lover’s friends learn something new. However, be careful by what you reveal. For example, you should never say, “This is my friend Tammy. She likes eating grape popsicles, and when she was sixteen, she had unprotected sex, got pregnant, and gave up the child for adoption. She doesn’t know where the kid is and the father of the child is in jail on drug charges.”

Once the introductions are complete, keep the conversation moving. Don’t allow those awkward silences to stretch for too long, otherwise the first meeting might be considered a bust. Don’t try to force it, however. Forced conversation, especially among a large group, can come across as shallow and desperate, neither of which you are.

You and your lover were brought together for a reason. You have similar interests and goals and ideas. Chances are both sets of friends do too, which will make for an unforgettable first meeting!

 

“So,” Xander said. “You’re… an elderly biker gang. On Vespas. And you’re Gus’s best friends.”

They were all sitting in Lottie’s living room, the We Three Queens on one couch, the Three Ironic Amigos on the other. Casey and Gus stood side by side near the edges of the couches, ready to facilitate if needed. Well, Gus was ready to facilitate. Casey was a little bit stoned, as were the Three Ironic Amigos. Apparently, bonding after not having seen each other for a couple of months meant getting baked. Casey had assured Gus that he hadn’t gotten that stoned, only smoked half a joint. Gus had rolled his eyes and sighed. Then Casey had kissed the tip of his nose and Gus had felt a little bit stoned too.

“That sounds like an apt description,” Bertha said.

“You all smell like Woodstock,” Bernice said,

“Ever been in the Army, boys?” Betty asked.

“I don’t think—” Gus said.

“I thought about it,” Serge said. “But at the time, I always asked, always told, so it really wasn’t a place for me. And I like weed too much.”

“I dressed up like I was in the Army once,” Josiah said. “I wore these cutoff fatigue shorts and danced on a box. Strange men gave me money.”

“A little bourgeois, if you ask me,” Xander said, sounding almost bored. And stoned. Definitely stoned. “Why do you wear matching jackets?”

“Maybe we should—” Casey tried.

“It helps to show others we’re in this together,” Bertha said. “They are my family.”

“Why were strange men giving you money?” Bernice asked.

“Bourgeois,” Betty snorted. “Glad you even know the word as you apparently know nothing about serving. What do you do for a living?”

“How about we—” Gus said.

“I’m a yoga instructor,” Serge said. “I help people soothe their chakras and find enlightenment in their souls.”

“Probably because the shorts I wore were wet and really short,” Josiah said. “And I was dancing really sexy. You know how it is.”

“I do tattoos,” Xander said. “Did all of Casey’s. Why are you friends with Gus?”

“I have a good idea—” Casey started.

“Because he is a beautiful soul who is bitchy and can probably hold his own in a knife fight,” Bertha said.

“I definitely know how it is to dance sexy,” Bernice said. “People often say that it was I who brought sexy back and not Justin Timberlake, the poor boy.”

“Gus was the first person to welcome us to town,” Betty said. “He also has nice hair and ears. Why are you friends with Casey?”

“Oh my god, why—” Gus said.

“Casey helped me come out to my parents,” Serge said. “He’s like a brother to me.”

“Thank you for bringing sexy back,” Josiah said. “I don’t know what I would have done without your generation.”

“Casey is one of the best people I’ve ever met,” Xander said. “I don’t think I know anyone better. Why should he be able to date Casey?”

“That’s not even—” Casey snapped.

“Because Gus knows how to treat other people nicely, especially those he cares deeply about,” Bertha said. “He may look and act gruff, but he is like sunshine on your face.”

“I have never danced on a box before,” Bernice said. “Is it much like dancing on the ground?”

“Gus will always put others before himself,” Betty said. “It may not always be blatant, but he sacrifices a lot for other people. Why should Casey be able to date Gus?”

“Why does this sound like an interview and—” Gus said.

“Casey makes people happy wherever he goes,” Serge said. “Gus is like sunshine? Casey is literal sunshine and I want to bask in him forever.”

“Almost like dancing on the ground,” Josiah said. “Except a lot more crotch shaking because everyone is eye level with your crotch and pretends not to be staring.”

“Casey makes everything better,” Xander said. “All he has to do is be in the room and I know everything will be okay. Do you think we need to have the talk?”

“I am too stoned for this—” Casey said.

“I think that might be the best idea,” Bertha said. “Especially if this is going the direction I think it is.”

“I am down with crotch shaking,” Bernice said. “I had a hip replacement last year and everything moves better now. I am like a well-oiled machine.”

“I don’t see what it could hurt,” Betty said. “We have them both here and we might as well. Do you think we need to have the talk?”

“No, no talking, no talking—” Gus growled.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” Serge said. “But I’ve never seen him like he is with Gus. I think it’s time.”

“New hips that obviously don’t lie,” Josiah said. “We should find a box and dance on one together and try it out.”

“As much as I hate to say it,” Xander said, “I think it’s probably for the best. Though, I don’t know how long it could possibly last. You take Casey?”

“Where are you taking—” Casey said.

“Agreed,” Bertha said.

“I’m going to get down with my bad self,” Bernice said.

“That should be fine,” Betty said. “You take Gus?”

“Let’s not and say we—” Gus said.

“Perfect,” Serge said.

“Ooh,” Josiah said. “Shake it, Bernice!”

“With pleasure,” Xander said.

Bertha and Betty stood.

Bernice said, “I have no idea what’s going on.”

Serge and Xander stood.

Josiah said, “Me either. I’m so stoned.”

“Stand up,” Bertha whispered. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Bernice stood up. “You’re embarrassing,” she muttered.

“Stand up,” Xander snapped. “We have work to do.”

Josiah stood up. “You’re work to do,” he muttered.

They all turned to Gus and Casey.

“What’s going on, guys?” Casey asked with his lazy smile.

But Gus knew. Gus knew right away what was going on. “Oh no,” he whispered in a blind panic. “It’s the if-you-hurt-him-best-friend speech. Of doom.”

 

 

STEP 4: The If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech

Chances are, if the two groups of friends get together, there is going to be the dreaded If-You-Hurt-Him-Best-Friend Speech, also known as the “Shovel Talk.” This speech allows the friends of the lovers to casually threaten death and dismemberment should one of the lovers do anything to hurt the other lover.

It is a necessary rite of passage in order to grow as lovers. Regardless of that fact, it can be rather intimidating when you have people intimidating you over the happiness and well-being of another. Bear in mind, that if you get to this point, it’s a good thing! The friends have deemed you worthy enough to threaten your life.

It’s best to take this speech seriously. Maintain eye contact the entire time with whoever is speaking. Nod your head in acknowledgment while they speak to make sure they know you understand them. Do not get defensive at any point, or you might come off as cold and callous. Assure the friends that you have your lover’s best interests at heart and you will never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

Here is an example of the wrong reaction to have:

“I hear what you’re saying, Mai Lin. But you know what? Go jump off a building into a stack of cement blocks. I can do what I want, whenever I want. You ain’t the boss of me. And if Joaquin has a problem with me, he can tell me himself. If he has the guts to bring it up, that is, that poofter. He knows who butters his bread. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go flirt with that waiter over there carrying the couscous. He’s got buttocks that just won’t quit.”

Here is an example of the right reaction to have:

“Thank you, Mai Lin and other racially diverse friends of my lover. I hear your concerns and appreciate you relaying them to me. As you know, Joaquin and I are very much enamored with each other and I believe in an open line of communication. I can’t promise he will never be upset, but I will always do my best to fix it. I will never intentionally hurt him. He is a great guy and I am super thrilled to be a part of his life almost as much as I am to be a part of yours. We should play tennis next week, or some other activity that will allow us to get to know each other better. I’ve got a racket if you’ve got the balls.”

 

 

GUS WAS very, very sweaty.

Casey had disappeared with the We Three Queens while the Three Ironic Amigos forced him to sit on the couch across from them. They all sat up straight, arms across their chests, staring (glaring?) at Gus. Josiah had a bit of a dazed smirk on his face. Serge was frowning slightly. Xander was openly scowling.

For a brief moment, Gus was pissed off that these three had the gall to try and intimidate him after only having met him a few hours before. Who the fuck did they think they were, coming here and trying to act like they had any right to speak to him about his boyfriend.

And wasn’t that just a strange thought he hadn’t yet wrapped his mind around? Gustavo Tiberius, of all people, had a boyfriend. An asexual hipster stoner boyfriend who smiled like sunshine and shit talked when playing Scrabble. There was a little hurt in his chest at the thought of having someone to call his own—

(One hundred and fifty-seven days before he died, Pastor Tommy said, “It’s not working anymore, Gussy. The chemo. The proton therapy. The synthetic drugs that feel like poison. It’s not working anymore. They said there’s nothing more they can do. A specialist gave me two months. Another gave me four. And all the while, during the whole time I’m sitting there listening to them tell me I’m going to die, that I’m going to waste away into nothing, you know what I thought? I told myself how could I be leaving so soon? How could I be crawling off this earth when there is so much left to do? There are so many things I never got to see, okay? The aurora borealis. Mount Rushmore. People leaving their guns and their hate behind. I’ll never get to see someone make a rational fucking decision on House Hunters International, oh my god, what is their problem? But the one thing that I’ll never get to see, Gussy, the one thing I’ll regret more than anything else in the world, is never getting to see the day when you fall in love. God, how beautiful that day is going to be. How perfect. How wonderful. You listen to me, okay? You listen to me. When that day happens, when you find him, you hold on with all of your might, because if there is anyone in this world that deserves that, it’s you. It’s you, Gussy, I promise.”)

Whatever. He wasn’t in love, but it still pissed him off.

“Gus,” Xander said. “We wanted to talk to you, one on one.”

“Three on one, but okay,” Gus said.

“He’s our friend,” Josiah said, eyes slightly glazed. “We’ve known him a long time.”

“And we worry about him, you know?” Serge said. “Things weren’t… good. For him. For a little while before he left. A lot of stress with books and agents and movies and people thinking they had his best interests at heart but only caring about their bottom line.”

“He decided to get away,” Xander said. “To clear his head. To find perspective. And almost immediately, it was Gus. Gus. Gus.”

“That’s not my fault,” Gus said, trying very hard not to scowl. Normal people did not scowl when getting interrogated by a boyfriend’s friends. Normal people probably had a Stepford smile and asked if they could refresh anyone’s lemonade.

Except.

No one was drinking lemonade.

Gus scowled briefly.

“No one is saying it is,” Josiah said. “At all.”

“Absolutely not,” Serge said.

“Mostly,” Xander said. “Look, Gus. You seem like a… nice guy, but are you even remotely prepared for what it means to be with Casey?”

Gus narrowed his eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”

They all exchanged looks. “He’s told you about himself, right?” Josiah said carefully.

“About his… preferences?” Serge asked.

Gus was confused. “You mean the hipster thing? I know I give him shit for it, but I really don’t care about that. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t Instagram every single little thing, but it’s not hurting anything aside from my sense of propriety. I may not understand you hipsters, but that doesn’t mean I dislike you. To be honest, I’m not really sure I know exactly what a hipster is. You all have facial hair and sometimes dress like a fancy homeless person, but that doesn’t mean that’s all you are, right?”

They stared at him.

“Right,” Gus said, even though he wasn’t sure if he was right.

Xander coughed. “I wasn’t talking about the hipster thing.”

“Oh. Then what are you talking about?”

“Casey’s asexual,” Serge said.

“I know,” Gus said.

“You do?” Josiah asked. “When did he tell you?”

Gus rolled his eyes. “Like, two days after I met him.”

They all looked stunned. Gus tried not to squirm.

“Well, then,” Xander finally said. “What do you think about it?”

“What’s there to think about? It is what it is. It doesn’t change anything.”

“Do you know what being asexual means?” Xander asked, and Gus was getting even more annoyed.

“I may not know some stuff,” Gus said. “Like technology, or whatever. But I’m not stupid. I didn’t know at first, but I asked and he explained. So yes. I know.”

“Good,” Xander said. “So that means you know that you won’t be having sex with him.”

Gus bristled. “I am aware of what it means. I don’t care about that part.”

“Really?” Xander asked. “So what’s going to happen when you want to get fucked, Gus? Or when you want to fuck someone?”

“Xander,” Serge admonished. “Don’t be crude.”

Josiah was frowning. “Seriously, man. Casey said you shouldn’t be a dick. And you’re being a dick.”

“I’m just making sure our new friend here understands what he’s getting into,” Xander said, his eyes never leaving Gus. “I worry.”

“Well don’t,” Gus said. “Because you have nothing to worry about with me.”

“Really,” Xander said, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “Did he tell you that he and I dated?”

“Yes,” Gus said, voice neutral.

“Did he tell you for how long?”

“A few months.”

“Did he tell you why we broke up?’

“No,” Gus said. “Because I didn’t ask. It’s none of my business.”

“I love him,” Xander said bluntly. “I don’t know what kind of love it is anymore. Friend, family. Or more. I don’t know. But I am also a sexual person. I’m not asexual. I’m not demisexual. I’m homosexual. I like sex. I like fucking. That’s not all that I am, of course, but it is a part of me. I knew what I was getting into with Casey when we decided to try and make it more. I knew what would and wouldn’t happen. I thought I knew myself better. It was fine, at first. I jerked off more than I’d ever had in my life, but it was fine. Until it wasn’t.”

Gus wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to this, so he said nothing at all.

“It was embarrassing,” Xander said, averting his eyes. “I thought I was stronger than I was. But when it came down to it, I needed more than he could offer. So I told him this. And you know what he told me? He told me it was fine for me to go and fuck other people. As long as there were no feelings involved, it was fine. As long as I came back to him, it was fine. It wasn’t fine, though. Because even though he doesn’t want a sexual relationship, he’s just like everyone else. He got jealous. I got mad. He got mad. We broke up. We didn’t speak to each other for almost two months. But he was my friend first, so I made sure I got that back.”

“I don’t know what that has to do with me,” Gus said when it looked like Xander had finished. “I’m not you.”

“No shit,” Xander snorted. “You are the furthest thing from me there is.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem,” Xander said, “is that eventually, you’re going to want to fuck. He can’t give that to you, and so you’ll look elsewhere. And it will crush him.”

“But you just said I’m nothing like you,” Gus said. “So why would I do what you did?”

“Oh snap,” Josiah muttered, looking uncomfortable.

Xander ignored him. “What do you identify as?”

Gus narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Gay?” Xander asked. “Bi? Asexual? Demisexual? Gray-sexual? What are you?”

“I’m Gus,” he said. “That’s it.”

“Everyone is something, Gus.”

“I know,” he said. “But that’s really it. I’m Gus. I work in a video store that no one really goes to. I own some buildings. I have a pet ferret. I read an inspirational message off a calendar every morning even though I don’t want to. My friends are all two times my age or more. I read encyclopedias. I miss my dad. And I think I might worship the ground Casey walks on. That’s it. That’s who I am.”

“That doesn’t cover your sexual orientation, Gus.”

“Maybe,” Gus said. “But why does it matter? Why do I need to be defined as anything? Why can’t I just be who I am without some asshole trying to make me into something I’m not?”

Serge laughed, but covered it up with a cough.

“Look, Xander,” Gus said, trying to ignore the way Xander was glaring. “I’m not you. I’m not any of you. Maybe I don’t quite know what I identify as. And maybe it really doesn’t matter. I’ve had sex. It was fine. But I don’t need it to be a person in a relationship. I jerked off last like four months ago. Maybe I have a low sex drive. Maybe I don’t want it at all. And maybe all I can think about is how when I get to hug Casey, it feels like the best thing in the world. And maybe, just maybe, none of that concerns you. So do me a favor and back the fuck off.”

“Dude,” Josiah breathed. “So fucking badass. This was like Mortal Kombat. Finish him!”

“Just be cool, yeah?” Serge said to Gus. “Casey really likes you. Honestly, I’ve never seen him that way with anyone. You’re a cool dude, Gustavo. I have mad respect for you.”

“Thank you,” Gus said nervously. “I also have mad respect for you as well.” Well, as much as one could have for a stoner hipster yoga instructor with imported Italian tiles. Gus kept that part to himself, though. He wasn’t one to rock the boat, and he thought he’d used up his bravery quota for the day.

Xander said, “You’re all right, Tiberius. I guess we can see where this goes.”

Gus huffed. “Thanks. Now that I have your approval, I can rest easy tonight, oh my god.”

Maybe not quite all his bravery quota for the day.

 

 

LATER, WHEN Casey was walking him home, Gus asked how it’d gone with the We Three Queens.

Casey paled slightly. “They can be very scary when they want to be.”

Gus grinned.

Casey said, “I really like it when you smile.”

And they hugged on Gus’s porch for a very long time. When Casey finally pulled away, he pressed a brief, dry kiss to Gus’s lips. He walked down the stairs and whistled as he disappeared into the dark.