Chapter 19

 

 

GUSTAVO TIBERIUS didn’t consider himself to be a petty person. Sure, there might be an instance or two in the past where his actions could have been considered petty, for instance: Firstly, when he was seven, toward a classmate with the presumptuous name of Reginald Brubaker who had accidentally beheaded Gus’s Fidel Castro action figure just when Gus had been in the process of reenacting the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of the class for show and tell. G.I. Joes were about to put a peaceable end to what had been a narrowly close nuclear encounter when Reginald had picked up Castro, then dropped him at Gustavo’s shriek of anger at having been interrupted, causing Mr. Castro’s head to pop off and roll under the teacher’s desk. Eleven years later, Gus had denied Reginald Brubaker’s application for a video rental card from Pastor Tommy’s Video Rental Emporium when Reginald was at home from Rutgers for the summer.

Secondly, when Gus was twenty-four, toward a Mrs. Catherine Clarke, who had resided in Abby, Oregon, for two years and six months. She’d returned a DVD copy of Forrest Gump scratched to the point where it was no longer watchable. Gus, regardless of the fact that he’d never really been a fan of such treacly fair, had been outraged that a DVD could be treated so poorly. He’d sent a letter to her certified US mail requesting a penalty charge of $4.95 be paid within thirty days or she’d face a cancelation of her membership. By the twenty-ninth day, she still hadn’t paid, and Gus canceled her membership early and with great satisfaction. He’d found out six days later that Mrs. Catherine Clarke had died two weeks previous while on a Nile River cruise in Africa when she’d fallen from the tour boat and been eaten by a bask of Nile crocodiles. Apparently, she’d leaned too far over the edge of the boat and had gone into the water, only to be consumed moments later in quite a ferocious manner. The family settled with the cruise company out of court two years later for an undisclosed sum. Gus had felt bad for eight full days after hearing the news.

So, no, Gus wasn’t petty, per se, but like most normal human beings, he did have his petty moments where he acted irrationally, unbecoming of the level of maturity he’d reached in his nearly thirty years of life.

Upon hearing that his boyfriend, the asexual stoner hipster known as Casey Richards, had plans to move back to Los Angeles, California, Gus’s first reaction was an irrational one.

He closed the Emporium early (leaving a hastily written note on the door: SICK AGAIN. NOT PLAGUE—OR BIRD FLU-RELATED. BE BACK SOMEDAY), turned off his phone (but not before sending a hastily written text to Casey that he hoped would be believable and not require any follow-up questions: SICK AGAIN. I AM FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. TALK LATERZ HOMIE), and ran home, avoiding anyone and everyone he could (it helped that his door to the Emporium was a hundred feet away from the door to his house; granted, he was seen by multiple people on the street who would later attest that he was running like a crazy person, a ferret cage at his side, his eyes wide, mouth hanging open as he took in great gulps of air).

It was only after closing the door behind him that he realized that Xander probably went straight to Casey to tell him of the slipup. After all, one who is planning on moving away from their boyfriend probably wants to be in control of such information. So Casey was probably on his way to the house, or would be momentarily. Gus hadn’t seen which way Xander had headed upon leaving as he had been in a hurry to close down the store before the low-level panic attack became something more.

It hit him then that Casey could be on his way over right now.

Gus wasn’t ready to hear that Casey was moving back to California and therefore their relationship was over.

And honestly, a part of him was terrified that Casey would tell him their relationship wasn’t over and that Casey wanted Gus to move with him to Los Angeles. Nothing in this world scared Gus more than becoming a Californian. He didn’t have anything against Californians; as a whole, he understood them to be polite, healthy people who were sometimes famous and/or made sex tapes that they would release on the Internet and then say their phone or computer was hacked while they cried to Barbara Walters (who would then make said celebrity one of her ten most fascinating people of the year). No, that didn’t bother him, and the people didn’t bother him. It was the idea of becoming a Californian himself that was scary. For one, Gus was not a vegan and did not enjoy fruit smoothies with added boosters to help his immune system but instead tasted like grass. Two, he did not like to jog everywhere he went, and especially not along a beach in slow motion. Three, Michael Bay lived in California. Four, he would not know anyone in California aside from hipsters. He knew not all people in California were hipsters, but all the people he knew from California were hipsters, and he’d taken the SATs. He knew what kind of question that could be. A trick question. Five, from what the movies had shown him, Los Angeles was filled with three things that set Gus on edge: smog, murders, and food trucks, all of which would have no qualms against causing his death. Especially the food trucks.

Since Gus was in no way prepared to face such a conversation with the boy that he was possibly in love with (and when the fuck had that happened?), he decided the best course of action would be avoidance until he could properly research his next steps.

He closed all the blinds in the house. He turned off all the lights. He hoped that from the outside, it looked like no one was home. He knew his car was still in the driveway, but since he usually only drove it on Sundays, he hoped no one would think any differently.

Just to be safe for when he started his research, he grabbed the comforter from his bed and hunkered down behind the couch with the laptop resting on his knees. He pulled the comforter up and over his head, blocking the light from the laptop from escaping and alerting anyone to his presence.

Harry S. Truman was confused by what Gus was doing, so Gus pulled him under the blankets too. Harry S. Truman thought that was possibly the greatest thing that had ever happened and proceeded to curl up near his feet, his tail flicking against Gus’s ankle.

Gus pulled up the Internet because he had to have answers and the Internet (mouth pregnancies and Tumblr aside) had yet to fail him.

The problem was that he didn’t know what to look up first.

He had too many issues.

He opened up a tab. Thought for a moment. Then:

How to be in a long-distance relationship

Good. That was a start. But it wasn’t enough. He opened up another tab.

How to move to California

That one didn’t feel as right. In fact, it felt way off.

So he opened up another tab:

How to tell someone you don’t want to move to California

Better, but what if he was selling himself short?

Just because he could live in California, didn’t mean that he would be Californian, right?

He opened up four more tabs:

How to survive in Los Angeles

How to breathe air that is essentially all smog

How to not get murdered in California

How to avoid food trucks

Good. This was good. But what else was California known for?

How to survive earthquakes

How to not get stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits

How to not get raped by Kobe Bryant

Okay, so he had a baseline now. Now, he had to focus on what he really wanted.

How to know if he’s the right one for you

How to disappear in Canada

How to make a sex tape

How to find Michael Bay

How to not get arrested for assault

How to breathe through a panic attack

How to know if you’re overreacting

How to make little fuss out of a big deal

How to act calm in scary situations

How to surf

How to know if you’re cool enough to surf

How to find a new job in a new city

Someone knocked on the door. Repeatedly. For minutes.

He ignored whoever it was and closed his eyes until they went away. He knew who it was, but he wasn’t ready to face them yet. He was on a mission, after all.

How to be happy even if your heart is breaking

How to do the right thing

How to let someone go

How to lose something precious

How to be an idiot and ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me

He stopped then. He stopped because he knew he was getting out of control. He stopped because if he didn’t, he would keep going and he knew it would do him no good. He took a breath, and then another, and then another. He let them out slowly all in turn until his vision was less hazy, and he could lightly chide himself for his reaction. Why did he care so much? Three months ago, he was fine. Three months ago, he was okay. Three months ago, he never sat huddled under a blanket halfway through a meltdown because of a hipster. The idea alone was laughable. That wasn’t who Gus was. Gus was surly and grumpy and worked in a video store and didn’t give a fuck what other people thought about him. Sure, that Gus was lonely and slightly sad and not living like he should, but at least that Gus was safe from all this bullshit. At least that Gus knew what he had, what he wanted, what he needed to get by day to day. That Gus didn’t take chances and he was fine with it. He didn’t need it. He didn’t want—

(Eleven days before he died, Pastor Tommy said, “Did I ever tell you about when I saw your mother for the first time? I was in Seattle working as a day-laborer. She was a waitress at this shitty little diner near a construction site. She asked if I wanted fries with my burger. I asked her if she believed in love at first sight. She said she hoped I had better lines than that. I told her I wanted cottage cheese instead of french fries. I left with her phone number because I was enraptured by her. I waited three hours before I called her, like a real man should. Five months later, she was pregnant. I was over the moon about it. I thought she was too. We moved to Abby because it was the first place my finger touched on a map of the Pacific Northwest. You were born here. I thought it was good. I thought we were all good. Then you turned three and she left. One day she was here and one day she wasn’t. She left a note that said she was sorry but she couldn’t do it anymore. She wasn’t cut out to be a wife or a mother. She wanted to be free and she couldn’t do that with us. So she left. And I was angry, Gussy. I was angry for such a long time. I was angry with her and myself and this place and this house. I was so angry at all of it. But I was never angry with you. I was never angry with you because I loved you more than anything I’d ever loved in my life. My heart was broken but you helped me put it back together. You said, ‘It’s okay, Daddy. It’s okay,’ even though you didn’t understand what was happening. And I believed you. And I realized something then. That regardless of how much it hurt, I would have made the same choice again and again and again. Because even though I felt like my heart was breaking, I still had you, okay? I had your mother for a short time too. But you? I’ve had you all of your life. And that’s the thing, Gussy. Some choices hurt. Some decisions hurt. But the only reason they hurt is because you care about them so much. You were my good decision, Gustavo. My right one. I’ve always thought so.”)

Gus squeezed his eyes shut. He knew it was stupid, being this freaked-out. Over something like this. He missed his dad. He wished he was here. Pastor Tommy would have wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close and said, “Gussy, here’s what we’re going to do.” And it would have been right. It would have been so right and Gus would have made the decision knowing it was for the best.

He kept one window open.

How to be in a long-distance relationship

He opened a second.

How to break up with someone

And a third.

How to know if you’re in love

He had a decision to make. Which one to read first. It was a small decision in the grand scheme of things, but it felt important. He felt like it mattered what order he read these tabs in because he would read them all.

He chewed on his bottom lip, eyes flickering between the three tabs.

Making a decision, he clicked on the one he thought was most important.

 

 

HOW TO Know If You’re in Love

Well, now. Isn’t this interesting? Found yourself a lover, have you? And not just a lover, but someone you think you might actually love. Congratulations! Love is a wonderful thing to experience. But it can also be absolutely terrifying by the sheer weight of it. So how do you know that what you’re experiencing is truly love and not infatuation coupled with a bout of intestinal gas? Luckily for you, you just need to follow these simple steps to determine if you are in love. By the end of these steps, you’ll either know the joys of the power of love, or you’ll fart and all will be made clear, including your back passages.

Step 1: Make Sure the Object of Your Affections Is Interested

Unrequited love can be quite painful and damaging to an individual’s psyche. In order to avoid what could cause irreparable harm, make sure that the object of your affections is aware of your affections. If they are already your lover, then you are off to a great start! A lover will have some level of affection for you, as one typically will not engage in carnal relations with someone that repulses them, so you have one foot in the door!

However, if your lover is not yet your lover, you need to ask yourself some questions. First, does your lover know you exist? Secondly, have you actually had conversations with your lover? Third, do you stand outside their window at night and watch them sleep? And if so, do you dream of blood and darkness and was your father distant at best? If so, you might not be in love as much as you might be a serial killer. If that’s the case, please click on the following link which will guide you to learning How to Know If You Are a Serial Killer.

 

Gus was tempted to click on the link, but figured it was probably best not to tempt fate. He didn’t know if he’d survive if the Internet told him he was a serial killer.

 

Step 2: What Do You Think About Your Lover?

This step is more about introspection. While it is always good to know what your lover desires, you have to also know what you want. Simple questions can be asked or activities performed in order to determine the mindset you have about your lover.

Some questions you could ask are as follows:

Do you see a future with your lover?

 

Yes, Gus did, but he couldn’t help but cringe anytime he read the word lover. One day, he’d have to find out who had written all of this. He thought maybe it was an older man with long white hair and a penchant for turtlenecks, tiny mustaches, and hairless cats named Bouffant El Gato. But yes, Gus could see a future with Casey. In fact, the idea of him not being there was causing his palms to sweat.

 

When you think about your lover, what do you feel?

Current panic aside, Gus felt happy and at peace with a large portion of exasperation mixed in and topped off with just a hint of fond annoyance. Gus wasn’t really sure what that said about him (or Casey for that matter), but he thought maybe he was on the right track.

 

Does your lover make you laugh?

 

Yes.

 

Does your lover make you stronger?

 

Yes.

 

Does your lover make you want to wake up in the morning?

 

Yes.

 

Does your lover make you happy?

 

Yes. Always yes.

 

Does your lover allow you to maintain your individuality?

 

And Gus paused. Because he wasn’t quite sure what the question was asking. Gus didn’t know if he was sure who he was anymore as an individual. He certainly wasn’t the same person who’d scraped by in the last years following Pastor Tommy’s death. And who was he before his dad had died? He was his father’s son. He was Gustavo Tiberius. Sometimes he was cranky. Sometimes he had a hard time smiling. Sometimes he thought he wasn’t enough for his mother to stick around. Sometimes all he wanted to do was make his father happy so he could see Pastor Tommy’s quiet smile for the rest of his days.

And now? Now he sat huddled under a blanket, hiding in his house wearing his father’s Hawaiian shirt because someone had once said they thought he was abnormal and weird and strange. And maybe he was. Maybe that’s who he was. He didn’t think that clothes made the man or a sudden attempt at a personality shift. He was who he was and—

But really, though. Maybe he wasn’t normal, okay? Maybe he wasn’t like everyone else. But even though he’d tried to become something better, pieces of who he really was still poked through and those were the pieces that Casey seemed to cherish the most about him.

Casey had never asked him to change.

Gus had done that all on his own.

 

Would you do anything for your lover?

 

Yes. Wait. No. Gus wouldn’t do heroin for Casey. And he wouldn’t eat cow tongue. Nor would he tell Michael Bay that he thought he was a great filmmaker and that Armageddon had no plot holes whatsoever. Also, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t go up against a dance troupe all trained in capoeira, the art of dance fighting, if Casey asked him to. That would just be ridiculous.

But he would play Stoner Scrabble.

And he would talk about Pastor Tommy.

And he would meet his friends.

And he would hold his hand.

And he would hug him. Gus could finally hug him without feeling embarrassed, without feeling like he had to ask, or that he even had any right to ask. And Casey never pushed him away. Casey never told him no. Casey always held on as tightly as Gus did, fingers digging in, chin hooked over shoulder, ears and cheeks brushing and if he was lucky, the hug would stretch on far longer than it normally should and would only end when Gus ended it.

Yeah, okay, so maybe there were some things he couldn’t do for Casey. And yeah, there were some things that Casey would never be able to do for him, but what they could do for each other? That was enough. That was more than enough.

In fact, it might have been everything.

And if that wasn’t just a punch to the dick.

Well shit.

It appeared Gustavo Tiberius was in love.

Possibly.

There were thirty-seven more steps listed under How to Know If You’re in Love but Gus was too busy hyperventilating into his knees to read them. By the time he’d finished, he didn’t need to reach the remaining steps. He was pretty goddamn certain he was in love and it was the most terrible thing in the world.

And no, if asked, Gus still didn’t believe he was prone to hyperbole.

Once he was able to breathe, he told Harry S. Truman, “I blame this whole thing on the entire hipster movement, oh my god. Seriously. What the hell. What are they even doing?”

He closed down the love tab and glared at the remaining two.

 

 

HOW TO Be in a Long-Distance Relationship

Is your lover moving because of a job? Or perhaps you are. Or perhaps, you’re reading this far into the future and the machines have taken over and your lover is going to fight in the Great War for Survival in order to take down Steve Jobs who has since risen from his grave and infused his body with iOS in order to infect the human race with a diabolical Terms of Service unlike the world has ever seen before.

Regardless of the why, you and your lover are going to spend a great deal of time away from each other. It can be hard to be separated and can put strain on any relationship. The following steps can help to provide an easy solution for any long-distance relationship, and even to help it thrive. Also, if you need to figure out how to deal the overlord Steve Jobs, please follow the link on How to Destroy the Robotic Machiavellian Steve Jobs.

 

Gus was very tempted. Somehow, he resisted. He thought maybe it was because of the power of love. Then he decided that he should never think of the phrase the power of love ever again, what the hell.

 

Step 1: Trust That Everything Will Be Just Fine

Trust. It’s the key in maintaining a healthy and happy long-distance relationship. If you have trust in your lover and your lover has trust in you, it will create a bond of positivity and love between the two of you. It’s when distrust sets in that that the seeds of doubt can be planted only to grow into the weeds of suspicion and the bushes of disbelief.

For example, you begin to hear the name Mary in conversations with your lover. It starts off slight at first, just a mention or two a week of your lover’s new coworker. But then it escalates until almost every conversation has a mention of this Mary.

Do not allow the bushes of disbelief to take root. You should not accuse your lover of being a cheating slattern. Nor should you hire someone to follow them to see what your lover and Mary get up to outside of the office. It is also inadvisable to go online and learn everything there is to possibly know about this Mary while making plans to infiltrate her life and destroy her from the inside because that could be considered an invasion of privacy and/or the actions of an unstable person.

Instead, ask questions that show you’re interested about what your lover has to say. For example:

Lover, this Mary person sounds interesting. What sort of hobbies does she have?

Lover, that was a funny story about Mary. Can you tell me another one?

I think I should meet this Mary, lover. How about the next time I visit, all of us grab dinner?

Guess what?

You do. You do meet Mary.

And you find out she is in a long-term homosexual relationship with her lover Sarah.

See? Had you gone psycho-crazy, you would have never learned that Mary is a lesbian and has no interest in your lover. Mary is also good at wood-cutting and shaving and shows you how to shave a beaver out of pine. She also makes a wonderful cup of oolong tea she learned from her sensei down at the dojo where she is a brown belt.

Because you trusted, you and your lover now have a lifelong lesbian friend and a carving of a large, semiaquatic rodent. This is what trust can bring you.

 

Gus trusted Casey, yes. Of course he did. And it wasn’t like Casey was the type to go and sleep around. Casey probably knew lesbians, though. Gus wondered if lesbians could be hipsters. There was certainly enough plaid to go around for everyone. However, Gus didn’t think that he’d want to do woodworking with a lesbian. The last time he’d tried to work wood, he’d nicked his finger and had bled. Gus didn’t like bleeding.

But he liked Casey.

And he could trust him.

 

Step 2: Make Sure to Be There for the Good and Bad

It’s easy to remember to celebrate the good things. Birthdays, promotions, anniversaries. Those are all things worth celebrating and are far easier to remember. Surprising your lover with flowers or a love note on their special day can mean the world to them, even if you’re far apart.

However, sometimes bad things happen. Illness and injury are a part of everyday life. The hands of a lover when one is injured or sick can be balm to the weary soul. We sometimes forget, though, the need to be there during the bad times. They are not as much fun to deal with, and don’t typically involve balloons or cake or jumping castles. But it is just as important to remember to be there for the bad times as it is for the good.

For example, you receive a phone call from your lover. They tell you that they failed to get the promotion they worked hard for at their place of employment. In addition, they seem to have come down with a cold. To top it all off, while hiking with Mary and Sarah last Sunday, your lover was attacked by a bear and lost both their legs. While it could be easy to pass this off because it does not involve balloons or cake, remember that this is one of those bad times that you still need to be there for.

Send a card that lets your lover know you’re thinking about them, keeping in mind that laughter is the best medicine. For example, you could write the following message:

Dearest beloved:

I “bear”—ly have a leg to stand on to show you how much I love you.

Love,

Your Lover

 

Gus wasn’t quite convinced anymore at the validity of this website. He was beginning to regret that very first day that he clicked on the link that told him how to be a normal person. The fact that this website had what seemed like thousands of scenarios all written by the same person made him wonder just how much time said person had on their hands.

That being said, Gus thought that bear-ly having a leg to stand on was quite possibly the greatest thing he’d ever read and while he didn’t want Casey to ever get attacked by a bear, he would be ready should the situation arise. He made a mental note to look up how to fight off a bear so that he could teach Casey later on.

If they were still together, of course.

That sobered him up quite a bit, knowing Casey might not be around to have Gus help him fight off bears or hear inappropriate amputee-humor. That didn’t make him feel very good because Gus wanted to be there for Casey to help him fight off bears and hear inappropriate amputee-humor.

Gus could do that, though. He could trust Casey. He could be there for him through the good and the bad. He could even consider traveling to LA to visit him, though the thought of driving across state lines and/or flying put a knot in his stomach. Sure, it would suck to not see him every day, to not be able to hug him when he wanted, but he could do this, right? He could—

But he hadn’t heard that from Casey, had he? He hadn’t even been told. He’d had to hear Casey was leaving from someone else, someone who had no real business in their relationship. Gus could be planning these ridiculous trips, these grandiose plans to help Casey shave beavers after he lost his legs to a bear attack, when Casey probably didn’t even want the same thing. Why else would Casey not bring up the fact that he was leaving? Why would he have kept it a secret?

Gus was not a stupid man. And for the longest time, Gus had been a cautious man, guarding what was left of his heart completely and fully, barely letting any light in for fear it was a trick and would only lead to more dark.

But in came Casey. Casey with his stupid hair and stupid tattoos and his stupid smile that made Gus squirm with everything he felt at the sight of it. Casey systematically tore down all the walls Gus had constructed around himself and he did it with a joint and a hug and Gus had fallen in deep.

Casey was leaving.

Maybe that meant Casey didn’t feel the same way.

Maybe that meant Gus had been nothing more than a summer fling.

That didn’t mesh with what Gus knew about Casey, but then Gus remembered he was abnormal.

And weird.

And strange.

And the bushes of disbelief began to grow.

 

 

HOW TO Break Up With Someone

Sometimes, a relationship will have run its course. Whether it’s because two people want different things or they no longer have the same feelings they once did, it is a fact of life that for every beginning, there is an ending. It might be your fault, or your lover’s fault, or it might be both or neither. The fact remains that a decision must be made that is in the best interest of both lovers, even if it hurts at first to consider.

However, before you read the sensitive, easy steps that are to follow, ask yourself one question.

What are you doing?

 

“What,” Gus said.

 

Seriously. What are you doing?

 

“Uhh,” Gus said.

 

Are you making the right decision? Is it because there is legitimately no way to save your relationship? Is it because you have explored every viable course and found no way to proceed? If the person cheated on you, leave them. If you no longer feel romantic attraction, end it. If your lover hurt you beyond repair, then by all means, take the next steps and move on. There are many valid reasons to end a relationship.

So. What are you doing?

The right thing?

Or are you being a butt-hurt, self-sacrificing asshole?

 

“Uhh,” Gus said.

 

Think about it. If you well and truly have a reason, then skip to the steps. Have at it and end your relationship. But if you’re still reading this, most likely it’s because you’re about to make a huge mistake. So things have gotten hard. So you have more questions than answers. Here’s a thought: why not try having a conversation like an adult before making a decision that potentially affects your entire life? This isn’t a romantic comedy filled with quirky friends and mischievous misadventures that don’t seem to happen to real people. There is no meet-cute, no zany sidekicks, and there doesn’t need to be a big misunderstanding before you get to your happily ever after. There doesn’t need to be unnecessary angst to drive you apart while you try and pull your head out of your ass. You are not Jennifer Lopez and you are not a maid in Manhattan (disregard if you are actually employed in cleaning services in New York). If only people talked as much as they overthought everything else, the world would be a much different place. Miscommunication is ridiculous and can be avoided if you just talk about it. Talk about your problems. Talk about your concerns. Don’t be a douche and end something because of assumptions made.

Before you break up with someone, remember this: love is a precious thing. The fact that you feel it must mean something, right? You have given your heart away. Maybe you should trust in the person you gave it to, to care for it as you care for theirs. If they’ve done nothing to betray that trust, well.

What are you doing?

 

Gus was convinced that Skynet was real.

The machines were becoming sentient.

Steve Jobs would rise and Gus would need to bookmark the page on how to take him down for future review. He would become the savior of mankind. He might even get a parade dedicated to him.

That sounded just awful.

And also?

Gustavo Tiberius loved Casey Richards.

He threw off the comforter.

He closed the laptop and placed it on the floor.

He stood.

He felt good (ish). He felt right (ish).

He could do this. (Probably.)

Harry S. Truman blinked up at him.

“I read inspirational messages on calendars,” Gus said.

Harry S. Truman yawned.

“I read encyclopedias and don’t have a cell phone with a stupidly large screen.”

Harry S. Truman stretched his paws out in front of him.

“I don’t take pictures of my food and post it online because what the hell is the point of that, oh my god.”

Harry S. Truman rose to his little feet.

“I own an outdated business and sometimes, I like to get stoned.”

Harry S. Truman licked himself.

“I fucking hate the Strawberry Festival and think beef jerky is an acceptable dessert.”

Harry S. Truman rolled onto his back.

“And I’m pretty sure I have a lot of awkward feelings for a stoner asexual hipster.”

Harry S. Truman squeaked.

Gustavo Tiberius said, “Come on, Harry S. Truman. We’re going to go openly communicate with Casey and make sure he knows I care! Like an adult.”

Gus felt good. He had this.

He had this.

Gus then tripped over Harry S. Truman and belly flopped onto the ground.

“Motherfucker,” Gus wheezed as the ferret with merit licked his face. “My spleen. Ow, my spleen.”

Ten minutes later, a sufficient amount of air had gotten back into Gus’s lungs and he was able to slowly lift himself off the ground.

“Okay,” he groaned. “Now we’ll go.”

He moved slowly toward the door.

He grimaced as he picked up Harry S. Truman and put him in his carrier.

He stood, ready to face his romantic destiny.

“Fuck yeah,” he said as he winced. “Let’s rock and roll.”