Chapter 7
Michelle
The evening is marred and I don’t feel the same joy I usually do when I attend something of culture. He sits there staring at me and I know he’s watching even though he thinks I don’t recognize the leering gaze. I can only imagine what is going through his dirty mind.
We left early and the ride back to my home is uneventful.
I grab for the door frantic to get out, but he holds me back with my anger evident by how I turn toward him with the stare of Medusa. He’s lucky he’s not frozen in stone, but this is the story of mythical legends.
“We need to work together and this better not affect our working relationship. I know you don’t want to hear this, but whatever happens outside the office stays there. If you can’t do that then tell me now and we will dissolve this relationship. I won’t be the topic of water cooler gossip in the morning. This thing is private and will remain that way. Do I make myself clear?” He barks like a rabid dog.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing happened. Let me be as clear as you were. Nobody is going to hear from me because this never happened. We didn’t have an awkward moment in the limousine and you breathe one word of my secret and I will know you’re not a man to be trusted. Treat this as a test to see if you are worthy of being in the same room with me,” I chide with my teeth showing for emphasis.
He doesn’t even bother to walk me to the door and I find myself wondering how the evening would have ended had things gone differently. We would probably be at the ballet during intermission mingling with those with something to say about the first act. We would return and he would soldier through until the end.
I actually had designs on being a little bit more naughty than usual. I might have even let him get to second base. It’s a sports metaphor, but I really don’t know what it actually means.
I’m sure if he were driving the car it would have fishtailed down the street in his haste to get away from the silent torture.
It’s not going to be easy to see him and the facts were pretty damn clear. I’m a virgin and he knows it. What the hell am I going to do? I have this feeling he’s not going to let it go and this new information is only going to encourage him. I can only hope he won’t reveal my secret to anybody else.
I walk into the building anxious and looking for somebody to talk to. I’m not expecting visitors, but Jennifer is in the fetal position at my doorstep. She looks distraught and I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m in no mood to listen to her whine about her boyfriend yet again.
She looks up and forces herself to smile.
“It looks like I’m not the only one who has had one of those nights. We can talk about it over some rocky road ice cream you have in the freezer. It’s always there when we need it the most. We shouldn’t give guys this kind of power over us, but we are emotional creatures of habit,” She said, pulling herself together, but I could tell from her body language her smile didn’t match her mood.
“I don’t know why we put ourselves through this. I don’t need a man to be happy and complete. I’m doing just fine without one and there’s less drama.” I open the door and she follows me in until we are in the kitchen off to the side.
It is a galley type with not much room to move around, but perfectly fine for one person.
I still have the ice cream and found it where I left it. We are always running to each other looking for advice of the lovelorn variety.
“One of us is going to have to break the silence and I really don’t know if I can talk about it. Tell me what the jerk did this time to get underneath your skin. We both know you don’t come to me unless it’s about him,” I remark and dig my spoon into the carton.
I don’t want to mention his name. They have this love-hate relationship going back and forth for the past five years. Jennifer is always going back to something familiar afraid of trying something new. We actually found each other to be open books when it came to unburdening ourselves.
“He comes home reeking of alcohol and screaming obscenities to wake up the neighbours. Did he really think he was going to get me into bed under the influence? It was disgusting and I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him to go sleep it off, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. I went to the bathroom to get away from him and snuck out the window. I know he’s only going to get angrier, but maybe when he wakes up he might recognize his bad behaviour. What do you think?” She asks with her spoon pointing in my direction putting me on the spot.
“I would really love to give you advice, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It’s not like I have any reference when it comes to relationships. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is two months. It’s a sad state of affairs when two beautiful women like us can’t find one of the good ones.” I motion to the calendar of some beefy hunks from my fireman calendar.
“They are pretty damn spectacular, but we both know words can be their worst enemy. Sometimes it’s better to keep their mouths shut. Don’t get me wrong, I love a fine looking man in shape, but there has to be something going on between the ears as well as between the legs. It’s hypocritical of me to say that considering whom I have been in an on and off relationship with.” She’s referring to Jonathan and I have been telling her to run for as long as I can remember.
I savour each bite wallowing in the decadence of the rocky road flavour on the tip of my tongue.
On the exterior, I look confident, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I have no idea how to play the dating game with any degree of success.
“You’re beating yourself up for no reason. It’s time for you to make a clean break. Nothing good comes from going back to him. The meaning of insanity is thinking that you can do the same thing over and over again expecting different results,” I said harshly feeling the encouragement of the ice cream to tell her the unvarnished truth.
“I know exactly how you feel about Jonathan. That’s not why I came over here. Maybe it is… I don’t know,” She mutters underneath her breath with the spoon up to her lips ready to give her a momentary reprieve from her problems.
I can admit Jonathan is an acquired taste. He sees women as sex objects and recklessly talks about them without a filter. It’s actually a little refreshing, but galling at the same time.
He somewhat reminds me of Tyson. His attitude toward women is much the same way. It makes me wonder whether or not they compare notes when they get together for football season. Talking about us during intermission and commercials wouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination.
“I guess misery does love company. Do you remember what I told you at Christmas after I had too many spiked apple ciders?” I ask and she nods her head with understanding without saying a word. “Tyson might’ve found out about it and I don’t know what to do about it,” I said with her looking at me over the rim of the ice cream carton.
She points at me and then smiles, but there’s no way that she could possibly know what had happened.
“I knew there was something going on between the two of you. It’s in the way that you look at each other. I’m surprised nobody else felt it in the room. It was pretty clear to me he had his sights set on you. Do you want to talk about it or is the wound too fresh?” She questions and I have this inclination to get it off my chest.
“He kissed me like no other man has ever done before. I literally felt like I was hovering over my body watching as a disinterested bystander. I’ve never had butterflies, but his hands touching me turned a switch inside of me. Feelings I’ve never had before began to churn inside of me. I was momentarily distracted to realize what he was doing until it was too late,” I said lifting my finger and giving her the basic idea of how dirty a boy Tyson was being.
“You can’t come back from that. How did he react when he found out? If I were to hazard a guess, I would say he was startled and might have responded inappropriately. Don’t hold that against him. Every guy has the fantasies involving virgins, schoolgirl outfits, naughty librarians, pigtails, and a petite body they can wrap around their waist,” She said not telling me anything I didn’t already know, but the confirmation helps to put things in perspective.
“It’s almost like they’re trying to reclaim their lost youth. Sex is never far away from their thoughts. It only takes one look to know what they’re thinking. They might think they are subtle about it, but we see through them.” I put the ice cream back in the freezer and I could hear her sigh with dissatisfaction.
“I never said that I was done with that. It’s a good thing you took it away when you did. I get the feeling we could talk all night about boys and their shortcomings. I’m not talking about a certain part of their anatomy, but sometimes that can be a problem. They can be very sensitive.” She stretched her fingers wide enough to let me know there was a certain acceptable average.
“I can assure you, Tyson has no problem in that department. I’m not saying there isn’t a bit of curiosity, but I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I could, in theory, propose an experiment without the emotional entanglements. What the hell am I thinking? My virginity is not some commodity to be brokered in a deal,” I said with some disgust for my momentary lapse in judgment.
Jennifer tells me often of her exploits with Jonathan. She also tells me about those guys that she seeks out when they are on a break. I can’t seem to get away from the explicit way she describes a man with vivid clarity.
“It looks like you have a problem and the only way you’re going to be able to deal with it is face to face. He won’t be happy about talking about his feelings, but don’t let his awkwardness stand in the way. Tell him what you are thinking. To remain silent is a crime that might prevent you from finding something you’ve always been looking for,” She advises and then I lead her down the hallway to the guest room that’s already made up.
It’s a vicious cycle and Jennifer has yet to find a way to break it. I will always be there for her and it felt good to discuss things without the interference of testosterone in the air. She gives me a good idea and now I have to run with it with a conviction I don’t feel.
I go across the hall and climb into my bed with the flicker of the lamppost outside my window. It’s the reason why my rent is cheap enough to afford on my salary. Nobody else will tolerate being blinded all night by a fluorescent bulb.