After the girls left, I picked up my phone and walked out to the balcony. Leaning over the railing, I looked over at Sebastian’s house. I could see his mom out in the yard, on her knees, digging in the dirt. She was wearing one of those floppy straw hats, and only a few wisps of brown hair were visible.
Her entire body shook as she jabbed the spade into the landscaping surrounding their patio. Several bright blue and red peonies were still in their cartons beside her. My gaze flipped to their brick patio, and their fire pit sat in the middle. It hadn’t fallen apart like ours had.
Sebastian’s mom was quiet. Out of all the years I’d known him, and all the times I’d been in and out of their house, well over a thousand times, I’m sure, I’d probably held just a handful of conversations with his mom.
She was always kind, always said hello, asked how I was and how my mom was or how Lori was doing at college, but that was it.
Sebastian’s dad did all the talking.
Exhaling heavily, I looked down at my phone. This whole time, Abbi and Megan had suspected what I felt for Sebastian was more than a friend thing. I knew Dary probably also guessed it. The fact that they’d kept it to themselves and hadn’t pushed me on it was huge. They knew me too well.
I backed away from the railing and plopped down in my chair, planting my feet on the edge of the seat. With my phone clutched in my hands, I considered my options.
I could ignore it and pretend it never happened. That had been my MO for, like, forever. I would swear to myself that I would take care of things tomorrow. But I knew how I operated. Tomorrow was always full of possibility and potential for me, but when it came, I pushed things off until another day.
I couldn’t do that.
Chewing on my lip, I opened up my texts and found the last one from Sebastian, the one from the past Friday. My stomach took a tumble as I typed out the words Is everything okay between us?
Several moments passed before I worked up the nerve to hit Send, and when I did, I almost immediately wished I hadn’t. I couldn’t take it back, though, so I stared at my message for twice as long. I knew football practice was over. Sometimes he hung out with the guys afterward. Other times he came straight home.
When he didn’t immediately respond, I rested my forehead on my knees.
I was still a little surprised by the fact I had texted him. My natural response would’ve been to do nothing, let Sebastian eventually come to me or let it work itself out. But I just couldn’t do that.
I considered going next door to see if he was there, but I’d just texted him, so maybe that was a wee bit much. Unable to sit, I got up and walked out onto the balcony and started down the steps. I stopped halfway down, unsure of what I was doing.
I looked to Sebastian’s yard again. His mom was almost done with the flowers. Only the bright pink ones were left in their cartons. I pivoted, went back up the stairs, went inside, then went downstairs to heat up some meatballs. I ate four of them while perched on the arm of the couch, watching the news.
When I’d finished, Sebastian still hadn’t texted back.
Back upstairs, stomach painfully full, I stood in the middle of my room with my phone in hand. Too much restless energy was buzzing around in me to sit down and read. Maybe I could clean something.
I was that desperate to distract myself.
I set my phone on the nightstand and moved over to my closet. Jeans and books were scattered everywhere. Half of the shirts and sweaters were hanging partway off their hangers.
Yeah, I wasn’t that desperate.
I closed the door and pivoted to face-plant on my bed, which did nothing to help my stomach.
I groaned and muttered, “I suck,” into my sheets.
My phone chirped and I launched to my knees. In an instant I’d snatched my phone off the nightstand. Air caught in my lungs. Sebastian had responded. Finally.
Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?
“Why?” I whispered when I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. “What do you mean why?”
I started to respond with exactly that, but I stopped, my fingers hovering over the screen. My heart was racing like I was running sprints.
I could be up front and point out exactly why I was asking that question. I could say a million things, to be honest. Ask what he thought about me kissing him, or ask why he’d then freaked out. I could ask him if he wished I’d never done it. I could even text him and tell him that when I kissed him, it felt like coming home.
I didn’t type any of those things.
My phone dinged again.
Everything is okay with you, right?
No. It wasn’t.
I’d been in love with him since I could remember, and now I was afraid our friendship was ruined and everything was going to be awkward as hell from here on out.
I didn’t type any of those things either.
Instead I typed, Yeah. Of course. Then I tossed my phone onto the pillow. Groaning again, I fell backward onto the bed.
“I’m such a coward.”
* * *
I was so ready for Feyre to kick some serious ass.
I slapped the hardcover shut and pressed my forehead against the smooth cover. My heart pounded in my chest. The last five chapters had been a nonstop heart attack, and I prayed that the third book was already out. If not, I was going to pitch myself off the balcony.
Lowering the book to my lap, I shifted my weight in the old Adirondack chair. It wasn’t exactly the most comfortable, but with the throw pillow under my butt and my legs resting on the railing, it made for a perfect little reading spot.
A warm breeze swept through the balcony, moving over my bare legs and lifting the thin wisps of hair around the nape of my neck. Another book rested on the floor beside my chair. This one was the contemporary.
I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the Saturday before school started than doing nothing but reading and eating.
I switched my hardcover for the paperback with a shiny gold crown on it and rested it in my lap as I quickly checked Facebook on my phone. No private messages. I had a few notifications from Snapchat, so I watched one of the football players drunkenly stumble down a sidewalk last night. Another snapped a pic of himself eating breakfast. There was a snap from Dary of the Washington Monument, followed by a series of street signs. She had this thing with street signs.
I moved on to Instagram, scrolling mindlessly through selfies and end-of-the-summer beach pics. I was about to close the app when I started to recognize a theme from everyone’s recent pictures. All the girls were in bathing suits. Guys were in swim trunks. Everyone was holding red plastic cups. And all the pictures were all at night.
Keith.
He must’ve had a party last night.
My thumb stopped moving as I saw a pic posted by Skylar.
My heart dropped, and all I could think was that I was stupid, so stupid.
She was sitting on the edge of one of those rattan lounge chairs, her hands planted behind her. She had on a royal-blue two-piece that showed off her banging body. Sitting across from her was Sebastian. He was smiling. Both were smiling. They...they looked amazing together.
I stared at the picture for God knows how long. Too long.
Why oh why was I following her?
I knew the answer. I’d started following her years ago because she was dating Sebastian and apparently I was into self-punishment. I even liked her pictures just to prove that I wasn’t a jealous bitch.
But I was a jealous bitch of the highest order.
I couldn’t stop what I did next. I quickly went to Sebastian’s account to see if there were any pictures from last night, but the last post was from three weeks ago. He wasn’t big on social media, sporadically popping on and off.
Now I wanted to pitch myself off the balcony for a totally different reason.
Sebastian had texted a few times since Thursday, but I hadn’t seen him since the kiss. There was no fooling myself. Things had changed. When Sebastian was home, even when he was dating Skylar, I saw him nearly every other day, if not every day. The only time I didn’t was when he wasn’t home.
So he was avoiding me.
I cursed under my breath, tapped out of the app and dropped my phone on top of the book on the floor. Edgy anxiety churned my stomach, and I shook my head as I stared at the large maple in the backyard. Was he back with Skylar, a handful of days after I kissed him? Did it even matter?
It shouldn’t, but it did.
Disgusted with myself, I opened up the paperback, needing to lose myself in something unrelated to me.
I’d made it a couple of pages before I heard footsteps on the stairs leading up to the balcony. I lifted my chin and I froze when I saw the top of Sebastian’s head, torn between wanting to dive back into my bedroom and rush him with my arms spread wide.
I did neither of those things.
Heart thumping heavily in my chest, I slowly closed the book as he crested the last step. All the air leaked out of my lungs.
Oh, come on.
Sebastian was shirtless. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him half-clothed, but each time was like the first time.
Chest defined, stomach chiseled like he was cut of marble and hips lean. He wasn’t overly muscled. Oh no, he was just a prime example of how football could do a body good. And he was wearing a baseball cap. Backward.
I just imploded into mush and goo.
I hated him.
One side of his lips quirked up as he swaggered across the small balcony.
“Hey, nerd.”
For a moment, I couldn’t respond. I was thrust back to the lake, me in his lap and his mouth oh so briefly on mine. Heat flushed my cheeks and spread lower, much lower.
Oh my God.
I needed to get control of myself and go about things as if nothing had happened. That was what he was doing. I could do it, too. I had to, because if I couldn’t, how could we be friends?
He looked up and his gaze met mine for a second before flickering away. I thought I saw a faint pink infuse his cheeks. Was he blushing? Maybe he wasn’t as good at pretending as I thought he was.
Clearing my throat, I cradled the book to my chest. “Hey, dumbass, did you forget to get dressed before you walked out of the house?”
His eyes glimmered as they moved back to me. His shoulders loosened. “I was just so excited to come visit you that I didn’t want to waste time finding a clean shirt.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I thought about texting you.” He leaned against the railing, next to my feet. “But figured you were out here.”
“Am I that predictable?”
“Yes.”
“Well then,” I muttered, searching for something to say. “Did...did you have practice this morning?”
Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. Till twelve. Than I took a nap when I got back.”
“Late night?” I asked innocently enough, but my pulse was spiking.
He shrugged one broad shoulder. “Not really,” he answered, and I tried to determine if that was code for getting back with Skylar or hooking up with someone else.
But really it was just two words that didn’t mean anything.
“Keith ended up getting plastered and setting off a stash of fireworks.” He folded his arms, drawing unneeded attention to his chest. “I’m still surprised he didn’t blow off a couple of fingers. Or a hand.”
“Me, too, actually.”
“Anyway, I’m over here for a reason. He’s having a barbecue today. Actually, his older brother is. Only a few people are going to be over there,” he said. “You should come with me.”
My heart started dancing all over the place, screaming, Yes, yes, yes! My brain recoiled and immediately told my heart to shut the hell up, because my heart was stupid and it made me do stupid things. “I don’t know...”
“Come on.” He grabbed my foot. I tried to pull it away, but he held on, wrapping his fingers around my ankle. I refused to read anything into that. “We haven’t had the chance to see each other the last couple of days and I just got back last weekend.”
Yeah, and I kissed you and obviously you weren’t into it. He was acting normal, totally normal, though. So much so I almost wondered if I’d hallucinated the lake.
“Spend time with me. Quality charbroiled-cheeseburgers time.”
I dropped my book in my lap and grasped the arms of my chair. “I’m not hungry.”
“Turning down grilled cheeseburgers? Now I know you’re just being difficult.”
My eyes narrowed as I tried to pull my leg free again.
Sebastian dipped his chin. “I’ll drive and you’ll have fun. All you have to do is get your pretty butt out of that chair and I’ll handle the rest.”
I froze, eyes wide.
He thought I had a pretty butt?
The grin on his face spread, and a second later his fingers danced over the bottom of my foot. I immediately shrieked. “Stop! Stop it!”
His fingers hovered over my foot as he raised his brows. “Are you going to come out with me?”
I was breathing heavy, paranoid that he was going to start tickling my feet again. “You’re not playing fair here.”
“Why play fair when I can just tickle you into doing what I want?” he replied, placing one finger on the center of my foot. My whole leg jerked. “So, what’s it going to be, Lena-bean?”
“Lena-bean?” I shouted, fingers digging into the arms of the chair. When was the last time he called me that? Before I needed to wear a bra? “I’m not ten years old, Sebastian.”
His lashes flicked down, shielding his eyes. “I know you’re not ten anymore.” His voice deepened. “Trust me.”
My lips parted as his words cycled over and over in my head. His gaze flickered up and met mine. There was no dancing in my heart, only a wild beating I felt in every single part of my body.
Why didn’t you kiss me back?
“Come with me,” he said again. “Please?”
I closed my eyes. I wanted to go, but...if I did, I needed backup. “Can I see if Megan and Abbi can go?”
“Hell yeah,” he replied. “Keith will be ecstatic to hear that. You know he’s—”
“Trying to get with Abbi. Yes.” I inhaled deeply, opened my eyes and then nodded. “Okay.”
“Perfect.” He flashed a wide smile and then lowered my leg back to the railing. His fingers lingered for a few seconds and then he let go. “Knew you couldn’t resist me.”
Deciding to pretend I hadn’t heard him say that, I dropped my legs to the floor and swiped up my books and phone. “Give me a few minutes.” I rose and stepped over to the door, feeling my cheeks heat. “Got to let Mom know.”
“Get a swimsuit,” he ordered, pushing off the railing and dropping into my chair.
I thought about Skylar in her bikini and decided I would accidentally forget mine.
After placing my books on the bed, I quickly texted Abbi and Megan and then dropped my phone in my purse.
Downstairs, I found Mom in the kitchen. Papers were spread out in front of her, some loose and others stapled. Her blond hair was pulled up in a high ponytail and she had reading glasses on, perched at the end of her nose.
“Whatcha doing?” I asked as I stopped in front of the chair beside her.
“Looking over the new underwriting laws.” Mom looked up. “Basically spending my Saturday in the most boring way possible. What about you? You’re not working this weekend, right?”
“Nope.” I smoothed my palms over the back of the chair. “I was thinking about going to a barbecue with Sebastian.”
“That sounds fun.” Mom rested her chin in her palm as she stared up at me. “Kind of sounds like a date.”
“Mom,” I warned.
“What?” She widened her eyes. “I would a hundred percent support that—”
“Oh my God,” I groaned, throwing my hands up as I glanced toward the stairs, praying that Sebastian would decide to make himself known. “It’s not like that. You know that.”
“A mother can hope and dream,” she replied. “He’s a good boy, Lena.”
“Abbi and Megan will probably be there. So will other people.” I pushed away from the chair. “Sorry to ruin your dream.”
“Damn.” She sighed pitifully. “I was thinking about knitting little baby booties for your and Sebastian’s first child.”
“Oh my God.” I gaped at her, horrified but not surprised. My mom wasn’t right sometimes. “You’re ridiculous and I’m surrounded by ridiculous people.”
“Why be surrounded by anyone else?” She grinned as she fixed her gaze on the mass of papers in front of her, and I shook my head. “When do you think you’ll be home?”
“Not before dinner. Maybe this evening?”
“Sounds good to me. At least I don’t have to make dinner tonight.” That was Mom, always looking on the bright side of things, even when it was impossible. “By the way,” she said, looking up again, pinning me with that mom look I only ever saw when she was going to say something she knew I didn’t want to hear.
I knew it had to be about Dad.
I tensed.
“You need to start answering your phone, Lena. This has been going on too long.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I inhaled through my nose. “Not nearly long enough.”
“Lena,” she warned. “You are beautiful, loyal to a fault, but what happened between your—”
“Mom, I promise I’ll answer the phone. Okay?” I so did not want to have this conversation right now. “But I have to get going. Sebastian is waiting for me.”
She looked like she wanted to say more but tipped her head back. “Okay. Have fun, but be careful.”
Bending over, I kissed her forehead. “Always.”
* * *
“All I’m saying is that it’s a double standard.” My feet were on the warm dashboard of Sebastian’s Jeep. The air conditioner was cranked on high, but it was barely beating the heat out of the interior. “You can drive around shirtless, but if a girl drove around wearing a bikini top and no shirt, people would lose their ever-loving mind.”
“And all I’m saying is that I would a hundred percent support the idea of girls driving around in bikinis,” he replied, one hand resting on the steering wheel, the other thrown over the back of my seat. The baseball cap was turned forward, blocking the sun, and he was still shirtless in his swim trunks and Nike sandals.
Behind my sunglasses, my eyes rolled. “Of course.”
“Look, guys don’t care about that kind of stuff. We would not be against equal-opportunity nudity. Ever.” He slowed as we neared the exit off the interstate. “That’s girls hating on girls.”
I turned my head slowly in his direction, but he was focused on the road.
“I could easily see a girl calling another girl a slut for driving their car wearing a bikini top and then telling a guy who’s doing it shirtless that he’s hot.”
Sebastian had a point, but hell would freeze over before I admitted that. I pulled my feet off the dashboard and shifted in my seat as I watched the trees blur past. Abbi and Megan were coming out, catching a ride with Megan’s cousin Chris, who played football with Sebastian.
I had a feeling the little barbecue was going to turn into a massive party before the night was over. Wouldn’t be the first or last one to go from a small get-together to a gloriously out-of-control rager within hours. Especially when it involved Keith.
Sunlight filtered through the trees crowding the narrow, curvy back road. Whoever built this road must’ve followed a snake or something.
Leaning my head back against the seat, I watched the taller maples and ferns give way to apple orchards. They went on as far as the eye could see, lined up in rows, on every hill, and Keith’s family owned most of them.
I’d been down this road so many times with Sebastian and with my friends, and it struck me then that this would be the last Saturday before our last year of school. I wouldn’t have another Saturday like this ever again, and in a year, Sebastian and I wouldn’t be riding down this familiar road in his Jeep. He wouldn’t be randomly appearing on the balcony, and Dary wouldn’t be popping into Joanna’s to rub my bad life choices in my face.
I sucked in a shaky breath as my chest burned.
Oh God, I suddenly wanted to cry like a baby. And I shouldn’t cry now, because everything that was about to change was good. I would go off on my own, and if I was lucky, Megan and I would both be accepted at UVA, and she would still remind me every Friday that I was going to grow old alone, surrounded by cats, eating cheap canned tuna. Dary would point out all my future terrible choices through FaceTime. Abbi would be going to a college not too far away and we’d be able to see each other on the weekends.
Sebastian would go to whatever college offered him a full ride to play ball if he stuck with football, and let’s be honest, he would. And we’d stay in touch. We’d call each other and those calls would eventually give way to texts, and those messages would become more sporadic until we talked only when we were both home for the holidays.
We would grow up and grow apart, and that was terrifying, but for right now, right this second, we had tomorrow. We had next week. We had the whole year. Practically forever, I told myself.
I didn’t have to face the inevitable yet.
Sebastian tapped his fingers off my knee, surprising me. I looked at him.
“You doing okay over there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said hoarsely. I cleared my throat.
A concerned expression settled over his features. “What were you thinking about?”
I shrugged. “I was just thinking about how this time next year we’ll both be at college. That this is the last summer before school, you know?”
Sebastian didn’t respond. He was staring at the road, his jaw a hard line. It got like that when he was mad or had something to say that he was keeping quiet about.
I started to ask him what he was thinking about, but he said, “You’re always going to be a part of my life—you know that, right?”
Not expecting that statement, I didn’t know how to respond.
“Even if we end up at different colleges,” he continued like there was a chance that we’d be at the same place in a year. “We’re not going to become strangers.” It was almost like he could read my mind. But he just knew me so well. Too well. “That’s never going to happen to us.”
I wanted to tell him that happened to everyone no matter their best intentions. My sister swore she’d stay in contact with all her friends who went to different colleges, but she was now a junior and had all new friends and a new boyfriend.
When people left you and they didn’t see you every day, they stopped wanting to see you. I, more than anyone, knew that was the truth.
Even if they said they loved you.
“We’re always going to be friends.” His eyes briefly searched my face. “No matter what.”
Holy crap, was I just friend-zoned?
Yep. That was what it sounded like.
Breathing past the burn, I ignored the hollow achy pain in my chest as I smoothed my hands over my shorts. “Aye, Captain.”
His lips twitched into a small grin.
“Is Skylar going to be at Keith’s?” I regretted asking as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
“Don’t know.” The response was clipped, which was very unlike him.
I nibbled on my bottom lip as he slowed down, hanging a right onto the road that led to Keith’s monstrosity of a house adjacent to the miles of orchards. The home was on a massive farm, and it was the kind of house no one needed unless they were polygamists and had fifty children.
His family had money. They’d run the orchards for generations, and I figured Keith would take over the family business at some point, though I knew he planned to go to college and play football like Sebastian. From what I heard, he’d already been accepted to WVU. He had the size to play college-level defense.
The paved driveway was already lined with cars, a few of which I recognized. I didn’t see Skylar’s BMW or, thank God, Cody’s SUV. “A small party?”
Sebastian chuckled. “Yeah, that was the plan.”
“All righty, then.”
He parked the Jeep behind a Honda, leaving enough space between the vehicles to get out later. I grabbed my purse off the floor and then climbed out. We hoofed it the rest of the way, bypassing the double glass doors and following the large river-rock pathway that led around the side of the house. With each step, the sound of laughter and shouts grew louder, along with splashes of water. I could smell meat grilling, making my empty stomach grumble happily.
Sebastian was right: I would never turn down grilled cheeseburgers.
“Hey.” Sebastian nudged my arm with his. “Whenever you want to leave, let me know, okay? Don’t roam off with someone.”
“I’m pretty sure I can catch a ride home with anyone. No need to worry.”
“Not worrying. I’ll just take you home when you’re ready.”
He slung his shirt over his shoulder. I guess putting it on would take too much effort.
To the outsider, Sebastian could come across as bossy, but he was just the type of guy who didn’t bring someone to a party and then leave it to them to find their own way around or home.
“Maybe I don’t want a ride home with you.” I swung my purse. “I’m sure there are a ton of people who’d give me a ride.”
“Wouldn’t that be stupid, since we live next door to each other?”
“Don’t question my logic.” I stepped around Sebastian, I walked in front of him. “And seriously, I don’t want to stay out forever.”
“I don’t either—”
“Dammit!” I shrieked as he kicked the bottom of my foot just as I raised it. Swinging around, I smacked him with my purse.
Laughing, he blocked the hit with his arms. “Watch your step there.”
“Jerk,” I muttered, turning back around.
“I’m not planning to stay out late either,” he continued. “Got practice tomorrow morning, one-on-one with the coach.” He paused. “And Dad.”
I cringed for him. “How has your dad been?”
“There’s not even enough time in the day for that conversation,” he replied, and before I could push that further, he caught my hand, stopping me. I faced him. “I’m not staying out late because of practice and because—” those vivid blue eyes fixed on me “—I need to talk to you.”
My heart lurched. I wanted to pull my hand free and run screaming into the orchards...but that would be weird. “What do you want to talk about?” I asked even though I knew what it was about.
“Stuff.”
I arched a brow. “Can’t we talk now?”
“No. Later,” he said. He let go of my hand and walked around me. “After I’ve had a drink.”