Normally I would’ve been on the phone with my friends immediately. The conversation with Sebastian was a five-alarm-fire-level emergency that I needed to hash out until I was just repeating myself over and over again, talking in circles.
But things weren’t normal anymore.
I wanted to call Abbi and Dary. I’d almost done it Sunday morning, but as I’d stared at my phone until my vision blurred, I couldn’t get up the nerve to do so. It didn’t feel like something I should do. I seriously doubted they wanted to hear about my boy drama, or whatever it was that had gone down with Sebastian.
Sitting on my bed Monday night, nibbling on my fingernail like it was dinnertime, I had other things on my mind.
I’d been cleared to return to school tomorrow. There was no fighting it, even though I knew if I told my mom I wasn’t ready, she would contact the school. But that would mean she’d call off work. There was no way she was going to leave me home alone right now, and Lori was back at Radford. That did leave my father, wherever he was, but she knew I wouldn’t be okay with that. Her boss was being amazing with all of this, but I didn’t want to put her job in jeopardy. So I would be going to school tomorrow. I would be seeing everyone. There was no more hiding.
Sebastian would drive me tomorrow morning and, oh God, I didn’t want to think about him, because when I did, I thought about what he’d said Saturday night.
That’s when I fell in love with you.
My heart skipped a beat.
I can’t think about that. I tried to push what Sebastian said aside, but that was as successful as walking down the stairs with my ankles tied together. A shiver curled down my spine. I turned to stare at the world map above my desk. Several years ago, I’d taken a blue marker and circled all the places I wanted to visit one day. Sebastian had grabbed a red marker and joined in. A lot of the places were the same. We were thirteen or fourteen when we did that.
He’d been in love with me this whole time?
I squeezed my eyes shut and, for a few seconds, just for a couple of heartbeats, let those words he’d spoken seep through my skin, invade my muscles and tattoo my bones. My right hand curled against the center of my chest and my stomach dipped like I was on a roller coaster. In those seconds, I envisioned what it was supposed to be—what my life was supposed to be like.
Sebastian would tell me he loved me. We’d kiss, this time deeper and stronger than before. I’d kiss him back, and maybe we’d get caught up in the moment. Maybe things would go further, and it would be glorious and perfect. We’d go out on dates. Hold hands at school. Travel to parties together. Everyone would smile and whisper “About time” to one another. We wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off one another and—
Reaching up, I swept my hand under my eyes, wiping away the wetness gathering on my cheeks. I scooted to the end of my bed and placed my feet on the floor. A few seconds passed and then I opened my eyes and stood. A sharp stab of pain shot out across my rib cage, snapping me back to reality. I drew in a shuddering breath.
Guilt settled heavily in my chest.
How could I even think about this kind of stuff? It felt so, I don’t know, self-absorbed. Wrong. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, how I was supposed to move on from this point, but I knew I didn’t deserve something good like this.
Not now.
Maybe a hundred tomorrows from now.
But not now.
* * *
“Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?”
I looked up from the kitchen table, brushing the crumbs from my Pop-Tart off the tips of my fingers. I hadn’t been hungry but had forced myself to eat. The sugary breakfast coated my throat like sawdust. “Yeah.”
Mom stood by the sink, dressed for work in a light blue blouse and black slacks. Everything about her was well manicured on the surface, but her eyes were weary. “If for whatever reason you start to feel ill or worn-out, you call me immediately. I will come and get you.”
“I’m going to be fine.” I stood, crumpled up the paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “Don’t spend all day worrying about me.”
“I’m your mom. It’s kind of my job to do so.”
A faint smile formed on my lips. “But I’m going to be okay. The doctor said I was healing and he doesn’t expect there to be a problem.”
“I know. I was there. But he also warned that up to fifty percent of people who’ve suffered a collapsed lung can have a reoccurrence.”
“Mom.” I sighed, but before I could say anything else, there was a knock on the front door. A second later, we heard it open. Heart thumping heavily, I turned toward the entryway.
“Hey,” Sebastian called out. “It’s me.”
Mom smiled like the sun had just entered the house. Footsteps neared the kitchen and then Sebastian was standing in the doorway, hair damp and the worn cotton shirt clinging to his broad shoulders.
He looked good, really nice.
I smoothed my hands across my jeans, suddenly nervous for reasons that had nothing to do with going to school. Sebastian had come over on Sunday and hadn’t mentioned the conversation we had Saturday night, but it was there when he looked at me, in every brush of his hand or press of his leg against mine.
“Mornin’,” he said, striding into the kitchen. “You about ready?”
Nodding, I told myself to pull it together.
“I want you to do me a favor,” Mom said as he walked over to where I stood somewhat petrified in front of the sink. “Keep an eye on Lena.”
“Mom,” I groaned this time.
She ignored me. “I don’t want her overtaxing herself. This is going to be a long day for her.”
My eyes widened slightly as he draped his arm over my shoulders. The weight was minimal and he’d done it a million times before, but I shivered in response.
Sebastian felt it. I knew he did, because that half grin formed as he looked down at me. “Don’t worry, Ms. Wise. My eyes will be glued to her.”
Oh dear.
The urge to lean into Sebastian, to press my cheek to his chest, was hard to resist, but I stepped out from him and picked up my backpack. Slinging it on my shoulder did not feel good, and I needed to remember that next time. “We better get going so we’re not late.”
“The world is your oyster.” Sebastian grabbed the armful of books that I would need to stash in my locker.
Mom followed us out the front door, stopping me before I went down the steps. She clasped my cheeks. “I love you,” she whispered fervently. “Today is going to be a long day.” Her eyes searched mine. “For a lot of reasons.”
“I know.” That burning knot of hysterical tears was back.
Slipping her hands off my cheeks, she turned and looked up at Sebastian. “I’m handing her over to you.”
Handing me over? I made a face, but neither of them saw me.
“I got her,” he promised, and there was a heavy meaning to those words, as if he was staking some sort of claim, accepting unspoken responsibility.
“Thank you,” Mom said, patting his shoulder.
I barely stopped myself from rolling my eyes as I hit the walkway. “We should get going,” I reiterated.
Chuckling under his breath, Sebastian came down the steps to join me. I waved goodbye to Mom and started across the driveway, through the tall hedges, toward Sebastian’s house.
“You know,” I said, shifting the bag on my shoulder, “you don’t ‘got’ me, whatever that means.”
Sebastian’s long-legged pace put him in front of me. “Yeah, I do.” He transferred his load to his other arm, opened the Jeep’s back door and placed the books inside. “I’ve had you for longer than I realized.”
My lips pursed as I glared at him. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” His fingers slipped under the strap of my bag. I sucked in a soft breath as he lifted it off my shoulder. “You look good today.”
Not expecting that, I blinked and looked down at myself. I was wearing an old shirt, jeans and flip-flops that were days from coming apart. “Really?”
“Yeah.” He placed my bag in the back and closed the door. Facing me once more, he stepped out until his feet were nearly touching mine. I craned my head back as he looked down. “No bruises.”
I almost didn’t get what he was saying.
“They’d faded for the most part, but there was a little bit of it that was here.” His thumb brushed along the left side of my jaw, causing my breath to hitch. His deep midnight-blue eyes flicked to mine. “It’s gone now.”
“It is?” I managed to say.
“Yeah.” His thumb traveled the line of my jaw. “It was just a faint bluish color, but I saw it.”
I shuddered.
His thumb skimmed my chin and coasted along my lower lip. His head lowered.
“Today is going to be rough,” he rasped out, voice deeper than normal. “You’re going to tire out physically...” His thumb made another sweep. “It’s going to wear you out emotionally. The first day for me... Yeah, there are no words.”
Everything inside me, every cell and muscle, tightened and loosened at once. It was hard to pay attention to what he was saying when he was touching me like this. Touching me in a way he never had before. In the way I’d always wanted from him.
“Sounds...sounds like you’ve been reading up on psychology again,” I forced out, sounding breathless.
His lips kicked up on one side. “Or I’ve been talking and listening.”
I tilted my head to the side, brows fitting together. I started to ask what that meant, but he suddenly pressed his lips to the corner of mine. It was brief—briefer than the one kiss at the lake—but it rocked me straight to the core.
“What are you doing?” I gasped out.
Stepping back, his heavy hooded gaze swept over me. “Doing what I said I was going to do.”
* * *
A note was waiting for me the moment I walked into homeroom. I didn’t even make it to my seat before the teacher waved me over and handed me a slip. A sympathetic look was etched into her heavily lined face. “You need to go to the front office, sweetie.”
Sweetie? Pretty sure I’d never been called that in my entire high school career, but I nodded, took my note and walked right back out of class.
I kept my head down—when I walked in and out, when I was out in the hall, and even at my locker, where Sebastian had helped unload my books and get everything situated before kissing me again, on my cheek this time, and leaving to head to his class.
Everyone was staring, they were whispering, and when I made the mistake of looking up as I closed my locker door, a girl who’d never spoken to me my entire life had rushed up to my side, awkwardly hugged me and spewed out this rambling paragraph about how sorry she was for me and how glad she was that I was okay. I had no idea what her name was. I was pretty sure she’d had no idea who I was before the accident.
I’d been left standing there, utterly confused.
Now the note crinkled in my hand as I made my way to the front of the school and pushed open the double glass doors of the main office. One of the administrative volunteers was at the front desk, an older lady who had the brightest pink lipstick I’d ever seen on a person.
I approached the desk. “I was told to come to the office. My name is Lena Wise.”
“Oh.” Recognition flared in the rheumy eyes. “You stay right there and I’ll let them know you’re here.”
Them? I stepped back from the counter, tensing. What was going on? I watched her shuffle down the narrow hallway that led to all the offices. I didn’t have long to wait. A tall silver-haired man came out just a few moments later.
“Ms. Wise?” He walked up to me, extending his hand. “I’m Dr. Perry. I’m with the team that has been brought in due to the recent events.”
Oh.
Oh, dammit.
“Let’s step back and chat for a few minutes, okay?” He moved aside, waiting. Not like I had much of a choice.
Swallowing a sigh, I trudged down the hall and followed Dr. Perry into one of the meeting rooms usually reserved for parent meetings. The kind filled with stupid motivational posters of kittens clinging to ropes, talking about teamwork.
I dropped my bag on the floor and eased into the hard plastic chair as he walked around the desk to sit across from me. An obvious Father’s Day gift—a mug proclaiming his greatness—sat on the desk next to a closed file that had my name scribbled along the tab.
“May I call you Lena?” he asked.
I nodded, shoving my hands between my knees. That didn’t feel good on my arm, so I pulled my arm up and laid it on the table.
“Perfect.” He smiled faintly. “As I said, my name is Dr. Perry. I have my own practice, but I work for the school district, brought in as needed in certain circumstances where staff may be overwhelmed by the need for counselors.” He fired off credentials at that point, and they were impressive. Undergrad at Penn State. Grad school at Brown University. A ton of certifications that were like a different language to me. Then the conversation turned to me. “How are you feeling about starting school?”
“Okay,” I answered, crossing my ankles. “I’m...I’m ready.”
He rested an arm on the table. “It has to be tough missing nearly two weeks and dealing with the deaths of your friends.”
I jolted at the unexpected bluntness. He was the first to just put it out there like that. “I... It’s been...” I blinked. “It’s been tough.”
“I can imagine. The deaths of four young, bright people who had their entire futures ahead of them is a very hard thing to grasp, to fully comprehend.” His brown eyes were sharp as he spoke. “And it’s more difficult for you. You were in the car with them. You were seriously injured, and according to your file, these injuries will affect volleyball? A lot has happened.”
Tensing, I winced as pain shot across my ribs. I glanced at the door, debating on making a run for it.
“We’re not going to go there today,” he said softly. “You can relax.”
My gaze shot back to him. “Today?”
“We’re going to meet three times a week for the next month,” he announced, picking up his Greatest Dad Ever mug. “I’m not sure if your mother mentioned that to you.”
Mom had so failed to mention this part. Too irritated to speak, I crossed my arms over my stomach.
“Typically our sessions will be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Today is a little different, but we’ll get together tomorrow and get on schedule.”
Three days a week? Oh my God. I exhaled roughly as I looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think this is necessary.”
He sipped his coffee. “It’s necessary and you’re not the only one that our team has been meeting with. You’re not alone in this.”
My gaze darted to him, and I wanted to ask who else he was meeting with. Was it Sebastian? That would explain why he was so incredibly on point with some of the stuff he’d been saying.
I didn’t ask, because I figured he couldn’t answer that.
“No one is going to judge you for meeting with me.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, since this was high school, after all, and everyone judged everyone for everything.
“And this is needed, Lena. You may not feel like it, and at first it may feel like it’s doing more harm than good.” His gaze was unwavering. “You got some stuff in there you’re going to need to get out.”
Clamping my jaw shut, I didn’t say anything.
He studied me a moment, and I had this unnerving sensation that he saw right into me, gazing upon the stuff I didn’t want to speak out loud.
“The guilt of living when everyone else has died is a heavy weight to carry, Lena, all on its own. Survivor’s guilt is no joke. You’re never going to truly get rid of that burden, but we can lessen it. We can make it bearable.”
I exhaled softly. “How?”
“I know it doesn’t sound possible now, but your life is still going to go on. You’ll have tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. You will eventually move past this.”
I didn’t see how that was possible. “I...I didn’t expect this to happen,” I whispered, briefly squeezing my eyes shut. “I know how stupid that sounds, but I never thought this would happen.”
“It’s not stupid, because no one ever does. No one ever thinks it will be them.” When he paused, I knew right then he knew. He knew. My gaze dropped to the file in front of him, and my heart started racing. Had he spoken to the police? My mom? And when he continued, I wanted to get up and run from the room, but I was rooted to the chair.
“I know what happened.”