Sitting in my room, I held my phone to my chest as I stared at the map above my desk. The circles Sebastian and I had drawn all over blurred and each breath I drew in felt shaky and raw.
I’d finally done it.
I’d read Megan’s texts.
There were a lot of them, since my phone was set to keep messages until I was forced to delete them.
The tears that had welled up and fallen had mingled with laughter as I read through some of her most random, nonsensical messages. I wanted to reach into the phone and see her one last time. The real her. Not a picture. Not a set of letters and sentences.
But I knew I couldn’t.
Memories would have to be enough.
Exhaling heavily, I placed my phone on my desk and plugged it into the charger. I wheeled back, turning the chair toward my closet door. It was cracked open, overflowing with clothes and books.
When I left school the day before, I had taken a big step. One not outlined by Dr. Perry but that I felt was one of the best ways I could honor Megan’s memory, or at least do right by her.
And do right by myself.
I left the chair and padded over to the closet, my thick socks whispering along the floor. I opened the door and knelt down to push aside the crumpled jeans. Carefully, I shoved the stack of books against the wall and then leaned in. I reached blindly, knowing I found what I was looking for the moment my fingers brushed over them. With my prize in hand, I sat back and looked down.
My knee pads were scuffed from sliding across the gym floor, but they’d lasted me almost four years of playing volleyball. They’d last at least another year.
I’d visited Coach Rogers after class yesterday.
The season was over, but he knew of the different rec leagues that played throughout the year in the county. One was going to be starting up in February, and I was planning to go to tryouts, which meant I needed to get my butt back in gear, and Coach had set me up with a plan to make it happen.
I wouldn’t land a scholarship, but I fully intended to do tryouts at whatever college I got accepted to. I was still hoping for UVA, and I still had a bit of waiting before I would find out if I got early admittance.
Tomorrow I would hit the gym at school, and I would willingly run the bleachers with these knee pads. And I would do it thinking Megan would be...would be proud of me.
But today wasn’t over.
Today was just starting.
* * *
I sat in the Jeep, staring over the rolling hills, over the tombs and stone wings. Bare-limbed trees dotted the landscape. A faint dusting of snow carpeted the ground.
Winter had come fast and hard, spreading frost over the grass and icing the roadways. It was December 19, exactly four months from the day everything changed.
I hadn’t planned it that way. Coming to the cemetery today was more of an accident. But now, as I sat in the warm Jeep staring out the window, I guessed it was kind of fitting that I ended up here on this date.
I swallowed hard as I stared out over the cemetery. “I found my knee pads today.”
“I can’t believe you can find anything in that closet,” he teased, and a small grin cracked my lips. “I’m going with you tomorrow.”
As I glanced over at him, my gaze immediately connected with his bright blue eyes. “You don’t have to. I’m sure sitting in the gym or running up and down bleachers is the very last thing you want to do.”
“If I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t offer,” he returned. “Plus I’m not just there for moral support. It’s very possible you’ll fall and hurt yourself.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes, my grin spreading an inch and then fading again as I focused on the silent tombs. I still struggled with accepting an offer of help, because that was what Sebastian was doing. He was offering to be there with me, for me, because he knew it would be hard, both physically and emotionally. Just like he knew what I was doing right now wouldn’t be easy.
And I wasn’t going to shut him out. One of the things I’d learned was that when someone offered you a hand, you took it. And sometimes it was hard to see that offer or accept it, but life was easier when you did.
“Okay,” I whispered. Then silence fell between us.
Sebastian curved his hand over my knee. “You ready to do this?”
Dragging my gaze from the window, I nodded.
He was watching me closely. “We don’t have to do this today. We can come back—”
“No. If I don’t do this today, then I’ll keep pushing it off till tomorrow and I’ll never do it.” I thought of my dad, of the once-a-week phone calls we now had and held each other to, even when neither of us had a thing to say to one another. Our relationship was truly a work in progress. “I have to do this.”
“Okay.” Leaning over, he slipped his hand around the nape of my neck and brought my mouth to his. The kiss was sweet and brief. He pulled back. “You look good in my hat.”
Laughing, I touched the gray knit cap I’d grabbed from his bedroom. He was wearing a black one. “Really?”
“Of course.” He tugged the sides down, straightening it.
My smile faded as my gaze shifted to the windshield. I inhaled deeply. A shudder worked through me, and I twisted back to Sebastian.
“You’re not doing this alone,” he whispered, eyes intent and body still. “I’m here. Abbi and Dary are here.”
And my friends were. They were in the car behind us, waiting for me to open the door and get out. Things had improved between me and Abbi. We were hanging out again, talking to one another like we were actually friends, and I knew that eventually it would be like it was before. I knew it in every part of my being. It just needed a little more time, because when I cut Abbi out, I’d really hurt her. Repairing that definitely took time.
Just like dealing with everything took time.
Living when others died wasn’t something you just woke up one day and got over, even though sometimes it felt that way. Even when I realized I’d gone an entire day, or maybe two, without thinking about Megan or the guys. And sometimes I still felt guilty about that. And sometimes I still cried when I thought about everything they’d had to live for and all the opportunity that had been wiped away in a matter of seconds.
It just took time and family and friends and love to come to terms with the fact that life did move on. Life kept going, and you couldn’t be left behind, living in a past that no longer existed.
But the other guilt I carried deep inside me? That was still a work in progress, harder to untangle and much messier. Working through my part in that night was the one thing that was going to hurt for a while. That was the one thing I was going to have to carve out of myself. And it was going to leave some scars behind. But I was learning how to live with my part in that night, my silence, and I was learning to live with the fact I was a lesson, not just for myself but for others.
My friends’ pasts and futures had been erased in seconds. Mine could’ve been, too, and all those comments on the news articles could’ve been about me and, in some way, some of them were. I knew I could never go back and change anything about that night. I could only do better. I was alive—I was still here.
I knew I couldn’t go back and start a new beginning. I couldn’t rewrite the middle. All I could do was change tomorrow, as long as I had one.
Swallowing hard, I wrapped my gloved fingers around the door handle. Cold air rushed in as I opened the door and climbed out, gravel crunching under my booted feet.
I looked out over the cemetery, letting the brisk, snow-scented air fill my lungs. Car doors opened and closed all around me. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Abbi and Dary approaching me. A second later, Sebastian’s fingers found mine, and I knew as I took the first step that while tomorrow was not guaranteed, never promised, there was going to be so much possibility.
* * * * *