I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break into any more pieces.

I was wrong.

The sound of Hope crying, and the knowledge that I was the one responsible, caused whatever was left of my black heart to shatter.

I sank to the floor outside our bedroom door, dropped my head in my hands, and listened to her breaking down a few short feet away.

I wanted to go back in that room and comfort her, but I couldn’t. Not when I was the reason she was crying.

Again…

Disgust filled every inch of my body as I listened to her hushed sobs. I didn't think I could ever look her in the eye again.

I wanted to erase myself from her life, and save her from the horror that was me and everything that I touched.

I should have known better than to take her like that.

I should have fucking known!

Seconds rolled into minutes and I remained exactly where I was, too ashamed and fucking shredded to move a muscle.

Tears filled my eyes and I let them fall, not bothering to wipe them away as awareness smacked me straight in the face.

Hope needed to be free. I loved her enough to spare her this pain.

This fucking torture.

She was the only thing that was right in my whole lifetime and she deserved better than this. She was the best person I knew and I loved her enough to keep my ugliness away from her light.

And I was ugly now.

I was fucking rotten inside.

I had to give her up.

There wasn't any other way around it.

I was filthy. Dirty. Fucking infected with his scum. Dying from the inside out.

More than an hour had passed by when the bedroom door opened inwards and Hope appeared in the doorway, dressed in her pajamas with her eyes puffy and cheeks tearstained.

My entire body stiffened when she lowered herself to the floor beside me. "I'm sorry, Hope," I squeezed out. "For tonight…for everything."

"Me, too," she whispered, resting her head on my shoulder.

"How are you still here?" I choked out, unable to comprehend how she could stand to be around me right now.

She was devoted to me, her actions just now proved it, but I wasn’t sure if it was for the right reasons.

For the reasons that would last over time, over the course of a lifetime…

"Because I love you," Hope replied, shifting closer to me. "Always."

Yes, she still loved me, except it wasn't me she was loving. It was the guy I used to be.

Before…

* * *

Hope

"Do you still feel sad?"

He nodded.

"Can I fix it for you?"

He shook his head.

My heart sank.

"I want to help you."

"Nobody can help me, Hope," he whispered. "I'm beyond repair."

Up until now, I thought I could.

Until tonight, I thought he was wrong.

I had thought I would be the one to save his life.

I had devoted twenty-six years of my life on saving the un-savable.

The truth was, I had been wrong, and I wasted a lifetime on proving him right.

And now here I was, right back in the middle of his world, fracturing my pieced together existence, the center point of his breakdown.

Drowning with him.

"You deserve more than me," Jordan whispered brokenly. "I can't give you a normal marriage." He exhaled a broken sob and tears flowed freely down his cheeks. "I'm here, but I can't… that part of me isn’t there anymore."

He was giving me an out.

I should take it.

After what happened tonight, I needed to take it.

But I wouldn’t.

I couldn’t.

I refused to be another name on the long list of people that had given up on him and let him down.

He deserved so much better.

"I'm not going anywhere," I vowed. "I'm here, I love you, and I'm not leaving you."

"Do you…" His words broke off and he hung his head. "Tonight… did I?" Shaking his head, he forced himself to look at me. "Force you?"

I shook my head. "No," I sobbed, joining him in our united misery. "Don’t you dare think that wasn’t consensual," I choked out, sniffling when my sobs threatened to overtake me. "You warned me it would be different."

"And now you know," Jordan whispered brokenly, tone laced with self-loathing.

"And now I know," I agreed, nodding numbly.

Neither of us spoke a word after that.

We just sat side by side on the floor in his tiny hallway in heartbroken silence.

The events of tonight had signified a monumental fracture in our marriage, and we both knew it.