Chapter 32

Across from me, Jake's face lost any trace of emotion. The words lingered in the quiet room. Did I regret saying them? I still wasn't sure.

When he spoke, his voice was cold and flat. "Yeah, I fucked her. What of it?"

"Sorry, it's just that, you know, I heard you two last night, and it seemed like you were getting along pretty well."

"You didn't hear me," he said.

Now that I thought about it, it was true. I hadn't heard him. Okay, so maybe I'd heard the muffled sounds of a male voice, but as far as sounds of passion, they were all female.

"Fine," I said. "So I heard Maddie."

"And?"

"And now you're calling her a low-life. So excuse me for being confused."

"If you've got a question," he said, "come out and ask it."

"Okay." I tried to choose my words carefully. "Well, what exactly was she to you?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all?" I said.

"Nothing but your roommate."

"So you used her?"

"Did it sound like she was complaining?"

Actually, it sounded like she was screwing a hockey team, and loving every minute of it.

He leaned back, and his voice became harder, colder, the voice of a stranger. "Yeah. I fucked her. And I'd do it again. Come to think of it, I did do it again. And a couple more times after that. And you wanna know why?"

Images of Jake and Maddie skittered across my brain. I tried to shut them out, but they kept on coming. I mumbled, "Not really."

"Too bad," he said. "Because here's the truth. I wanted her good and tired." He gave me a smile that looked devoid of any real happiness. "And if she couldn’t walk, even better."

"You know what?" I said. "That's disgusting."

"You think?" His voice grew sarcastic. "But hey, anything for a friend."

"Oh, please," I said. "You're saying you did it for me? How noble of you."

"I'm a lot of things, Luna," he said, "but not noble."

"Yeah. And you're not my friend either. Are you?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning," I said, "back in Riverside, I thought we were friends, and then—" I looked away. "—one little thing happened, and you totally ditched me."

"Yeah. I did," he said.

Okay, maybe to call us friends was a bit of an exaggeration. But I worshipped him. And for whatever reason, he'd let me hang out with him and his friends. Maybe I'd been like a puppy to him. And once I grew up, and tried to be something more, he took me back to the pound.

Jake laughed without humor. "So you wanna know why I stopped letting you hang around?"

I felt myself nod.

"Alright," he said. "It's because you grew up."

Something inside me twisted. "I knew it," I muttered.

"You don't know as much as you think."

"What do you mean?"

He was quiet a long moment, and then said, "You remember Loke?"

I did remember. Loke wasn't his real name, but it was the name everyone called him. The guy was crazy, and not in a good way.

"Yeah," I said. "What about him?"

"He was the first one to notice."

"Notice what?"

"That you weren't a little kid anymore."

"So?"

"So you wanna know what kind of shit came out of his mouth?" Jake's expression darkened. "Forget it. Don't ask, because I'm not gonna repeat it."

Knowing Loke, I could only imagine.

Jake glanced toward the windows, and his voice ground to a low menace. "But the shit he says, it gets the rest of the guys talking."

"About me?" I asked.

"Yeah. About you. And you're like a kid sister to me."

"Oh." That was nice. Sort of.

"But you're not my sister," he continued. "So yeah, I could kick Loke's ass. But then what? What happens when the next guy steps up, wanting a piece of you?"

I tried to laugh. "You could've kicked all their asses." 

His gaze returned to mine. "Yeah. I could've. But then what? What happens when I’m not there? What happens when one of them takes a shot at you for real? And what happens when you say yes?"

With some of Jake's friends, it might not have been an entirely bad thing. They were wild and dangerous, just like him. But there were others – I tried not to think about it. Loke in particular, he was bad news. "About Loke," I said. "Whatever happened to him?"

"He's upstate," Jake said. "Serving ten to twenty."

"For what?" I asked.

"You don’t want to know."

He was right. I didn't want to know. Besides, I didn't care about Loke. I cared about Jake.

"But the Maddie thing," I persisted. "I don't get it. How could you have sex with her if you didn't even like her? I mean, that's pretty cold."

"Want to know what's cold?" he said. "Some girl who sells out her roommate for a guy she just met."

"You mentioned that before," I said, "but I still don't know what you mean."

"It's how I found you," he said.

"Through Maddie? But how?"

"You know the strip club she works at?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Maybe a week ago, you called your sister from there. Right?"

I tried to think. Oh yeah. I had. I'd dashed into the club for only a minute, after giving Maddie a ride to work, in her car no less. At the time, I'd been between cell phones, thanks to Rango. We didn't have a landline at the apartment, and Maddie's cell phone had been shut off for non-payment, so I'd been a little desperate at the time.

Okay, a lot desperate.

It was the first and only time I'd set foot in that club. But I still didn't understand what Jake was getting at. That night, I didn't even talk to my sister. All I got was her voicemail. I hadn't even left a message.

I shook my head. "But how would you know I called her?"

"I got a look at Selena's phone, checked her incoming calls."

My gaze narrowed. "How? Through your brother?"

"Yeah, right," he said. "Like he'd let me within five feet of your precious sister."

Jake was right, so I didn't bother to deny it. There had always been a lot of tension among them, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand what caused it. "Why is that?" I asked.

Jake gave a hard laugh. "For one thing, because he's mainstreaming."

"What do you mean?"

"Pretending to be a good boy." Jake's voice grew sarcastic. "An upstanding, law-abiding citizen. Just like your sister wants."

"Oh please," I said. "Selena knows exactly what he is."

"Sure she does," Jake said.

"Forget that," I said. "How'd you get a look at her phone?"

He shrugged. "I borrowed it."

"Oh." I didn't bother to hide my sarcasm. "Like I 'borrowed' Rango's little book of passwords?"

"No," he said. "You got caught. I didn't."

I rolled my eyes. "Goodie for you."

"And just for the record," he said, "the book's not his."

"Oh shut up," I said. "It is, too."

"Wanna bet?"

I waved away the distraction. "Forget the book. Finish your story."

Jake gave me a long look, and then continued. "So I go to the strip club–"

Ugly images flashed in my mind. Not of the girls. Of Jake. Well, Jake and the girls. Together. Damn it. "I bet you just hated that," I said.

"And," Jake continued as if I hadn't spoken, "I start asking around, throw some money here and there…"

"Don't you mean tuck some money here and there?"

He gave me another look. This one stretched out so long, I started to squirm. "Sorry," I mumbled. "So you throw around money, and…?"

After a long moment, he continued, "And I hear that Maddie's got a roommate that fits your description. Different name though. So I start asking Maddie about you. At first, she's all tight-lipped, thinking I'm an ex of yours looking to track you down."

"So, she was protecting me?" I asked.

"No. She was worried about competition."

"Oh come on. How do you know?"

"I know," he said, "because as soon as I mentioned settling a score, she gets real chatty about you."

"Really? What'd she say?"

"Nothing you wanna hear."

"Oh come on," I said. "Yes, I do."

"Alright," Jake said. "She said you were a deadbeat."

"Me?" Well, that was rich, considering she still owed me fifty bucks and a security deposit.

"And a thief," Jake said.

"What?" I sputtered. "I am not." Well, not in the technical sense anyway.

"And," Jake continued, "she said you got busted last month for hooking."

My blood pressure shot through the roof. "Oh come on!" I said. "That was her other roommate. Not me."

"That wasn't the story she told."

Flabbergasted, I sank back against the sofa. "I knew she wasn't the nicest person in the world, but…" I shook my head. "Wow."

"Yeah," Jake said. "So the next time you stick up for her, remember something."

"What?"

"She thought I was there to hurt you, and she didn't give two shits one way or another."

"And yet," I reminded him, "you had sex with her."

"Yeah. So?"

"So, aren't you seeing the disconnect there? I mean, you just proved she's not a nice person, but you still got intimate with her."

"Intimate?" He gave a hard laugh. "No. I fucked her. Big difference."

"Oh come on," I said. "It's the same thing."

"No," he said. "I don't fuck nice girls."

I almost didn't know what to say. "So, uh, what do you do with them?"

"Nothing."

I felt my brow wrinkle. "So you don't have sex with nice girls? Is that what you're saying?"

"Pretty much."

"But what happens if you're on a date, and, well, you know?"

"I don't date 'em," he said.

I shook my head. "I don't get it."

"Want me to spell it out?"

Actually, I wasn't sure. I felt myself nod anyway.

"Alright," he said. "I don't date them. I don't fuck them. I don't 'have sex' with them. I'm not 'intimate' with them. I don't kiss them. I don't hold them. And I sure as hell don't lie to them."

"Lie to them. How?"

"By claiming to be anything but a bastard."

I stared at him. "You are not a bastard."

"Right," he said.

"I still don't get it," I said. "Why would you think that way?"

"Because," he said, "I'm not a nice person. What am I gonna do with a nice girl?"

I could think of lots of things. Was I a nice girl? I always thought I was. I was a lot nicer than Maddie, that's for sure. But the truth was, tonight, I'd been exactly the opposite. Ever since that stupid kiss, I'd felt foolish and disappointed, and I'd been taking it out on Jake.

I was still trying to process everything when his voice broke into my thoughts. "You think I'm gonna involve some nice girl in my shit? You think I'm gonna drag her into the gutter and call it okay? You think I'm gonna let her hang with my friends when I'll have to watch them every fucking minute?"

"Watch them?" I said. "Why?"

He gave a hard laugh. "To make sure they don't hassle her. Or worse."

Worse?

His voice rose. "You think I'm gonna let someone like Loke try something when I’m not there to protect her?"

"Wait a minute," I said. "Loke's in prison. So who exactly are we talking about?"

Jake got to his feet. "No one." He turned away and strode toward the door.

"You're not leaving?" I said.

Wordlessly, he kept on going.

"Wait," I said. "I need to tell you something."

With obvious impatience, he stopped and turned around. "What?"

"I'm sorry," I said. 

I didn't know what, exactly, I was sorry for. But I was really sorry to see him like this, especially if I'd somehow triggered it.

"Forget it," he said. "No big deal."

He was lying. I could see it all over his face. Maybe I shouldn't have pried. But his reaction was a total surprise. During all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen him lose his cool, not once – not during any fights, not with any of his girlfriends, not even the time I'd seen him arrested for mouthing off to some cop.

He had plenty of attitude, but nothing got under Jake's skin. Ever.

"Jake," I said. "Seriously. Don't go. Okay?"

He glanced toward the kitchen. "If you want anything, help yourself. That's what it's there for."

I stared after him. "But where are you going?"

"To kick the shit out of someone."

I stood. "You're kidding, right?"

He stopped near the door and turned around. "Yeah. I’m kidding. See you later."

"You don't look like you're kidding." Desperately, I racked my brain for a way to make him stay. "But wait," I said. "I never got to ask my question."

"You asked plenty."

He was right. I'd practically driven him out of his own home. "Seriously Jake, hang on. Alright?"

He shook his head. "See you later," he said. And with that, he opened the door and strode through it.