Chapter 36

I stared into the darkness. "Me?" My thirst forgotten, I moved toward him. "Why?"

"You want the truth?" he asked.

Wordlessly, I walked through the shadows. Soon, I was standing barefoot beside the sofa where he sat. I was so close, I could have reached out to stroke the side of his face. But I didn't. Jake and I were just friends, and I needed to remember that.

"I always want the truth," I said. "Don't you?"

"No."

"Who not?" I asked.

"Because it's ugly."

I felt myself stiffen. "So you're about to tell me an ugly truth? Is that what you're saying?"

"Pretty much."

I stood, stupidly, beside the sofa, waiting for him to say more, and dreading what it might be.

Unlike me, Jake wasn't dressed for bed. From what I could tell, he was wearing the same clothes as earlier. But now, his shoes were off, and his shirt was open, leaving his chest and stomach nearly bare. Determined not to stare, I lifted my gaze to his face, hoping for a hint of what he might say.

Into the darkness, he finally spoke. "I knew you were there."

"Where?" I asked.

"In that shitty apartment. Last night."

"Oh." I sank down onto the sofa beside him. "When you were with Maddie, you mean?"

Through the darkness, I saw him nod. I stared at his profile, still cast in shadows. "Is there a reason you're telling me this?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "But not a good one."

"What do you mean?"

He turned toward me. "You're important to me. You know that. Right?"

Funny, I never knew I was important to him. Still, I felt myself nod. "You're important to me too," I said. And I meant it. Okay, so I hadn't seen him much lately, but he was such a fixture in my memories, it was almost like he had never left.

"Are you ready for that truth?" he asked.

Oh yeah. The ugly one. No. I wasn't ready. But I squared my shoulders anyway and made myself say, "Sure. Go ahead."

"Alright, here it is," he said. "I didn't want you interested in me."

Heat flooded my face. I couldn’t say it was a surprise. For as long as I could remember, I'd had that stupid crush on him. In my fantasies, Jake someday felt the same about me. But life wasn't a fantasy, and the idea of him crushing on me was too far-fetched to consider. Somehow, I'd always known that. But it still hurt to hear those awful said out loud.

"Wow," I said, getting to my feet. "Thanks for sharing that. I guess." I turned to go.

"Luna," he said.

"What?"

"Wait."

I heard myself sigh. "For what?"

"The rest of it. Sit back down. Alright?"

Oh God, there was more? Well, it's not like it could get any worse, right? Wordlessly, I sank back down and tried to ignore the sudden ache in my heart.

"I wanted to scare you," he said, "to show you what a bastard I was, to let you see for yourself how I treat the girls I’m with."

From the sounds that I'd overheard, he treated those girls pretty darn good. But somehow, I didn't think he meant in the bedroom. "What do you mean?" I asked. "How do you treat them?"

He made a hard sound deep in his throat. "Like garbage," he said. "I use them a time or two. And when I'm done? I just throw them away."

The more he talked, the uglier this truth was sounding. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Because," he said, "there's a fucked-up part of me that wishes you never saw that side."

"Only a part of you?" I said.

"Yeah. Because there's another part, maybe a bigger part, that's glad you did."

I shook my head. "I'm not following."

"The thing is," he said, "girls like Maddie. I've had my share."

Probably, he had more than his share, but that wasn't the point, was it? "So?" I said.

"So it's what I'm used to. I never wanted anything else. I never wanted to want anything else."

"What are you saying?" I asked. "That you want something else now?"

The question hung in the air, and the longer he went without answering, the more I regretted asking it.

But then he did answer. "Yeah," he said. "I shouldn't. But I do."

Fearful of embarrassing myself, I tried to keep my tone casual. "What is it that you want?"

"I dunno." He shoved a hand through his hair. "It's all messed up. That's why if you're smart, you'll go back to bed and forget you saw me here."

I gave a little shake of my head. "Why?"

"You know why," he said. "Because, the girl who's got me thinking, you know who it is."

I held my breath, wondering if he'd actually come out and say it. And then I wondered if this was just a stupid dream. Maybe I was still in bed and just didn't know it.

But then he spoke in a voice filled with such longing that it took my breath away. "It's you."