CHAPTER THIRTEEN | BRADY
After several rounds of sucking, touching, squeezing, and fucking, Cassidy and I had both collapsed under the covers, utterly exhausted and depleted. She had curled up at my side and we had both fallen asleep almost instantly.
And several hours later, when the sun popped up in the sky and the morning alarm beeped from my cell phone on the nightstand, I woke up to find us both in the same position that we had been in when we fell asleep: naked and tangled together.
I didn’t want to leave that spot, but I had to go to work. I reluctantly slipped out of the bed, moving slowly so that I wouldn’t disturb her.
She sighed heavily in her sleep, clenching onto a pillow to replace my chest. I watched her sleep, admiring how beautiful she looked. Her breathing was a soft hum, and her face looked peaceful and content.
For a split second, everything felt perfect. Then she cracked open her eyes.
“Hey,” she murmured groggily as she blinked up at me. “You’re watching me sleep?”
“Maybe,” I grinned.
“Creep.”
“I can’t help myself,” I shrugged. “You look so beautiful.”
She rolled her eyes as she stretched out her limbs, treating my eyes to a display as she pushed away the sheets.
“That’s the best sleep I’ve had in ages,” she purred, coiling back up around the pillow.
“Really?”
She nodded. “Maybe I should get out of my parents’ house more often. When I try to sleep there, all I can think about is cancer and chemo and… other unpleasant realities.”
Unpleasant realities. My heart sagged in my chest as I remembered Josh’s angry tirade from last night.
“But not with you,” she said. “With you… I feel like I can just be free, and be myself.”
I knew she meant it in a good way, but somehow the kind words just worsened the heaviness that I felt.
“Hey,” she said softly, placing a soft hand on my thigh. “You make me really happy, you know that?”
“I’m glad,” I smiled weakly. Then I sighed and stood up from the bed. “But I’ve gotta go to work now. You should get some more sleep.”
“I should get up, too…” she sighed. “My mom and I are visiting the wedding venue later today.”
“Sounds fun,” I said. She just rolled her eyes.
“What’s the venue?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” she winked. Then she rolled around in sheets and asked playfully: “What if I’m still right here in this bed when you get home tonight?”
“Ahh… I’ve gotta work late tonight,” I said. “I’d hate to keep you waiting…”
“Oh,” she said, frowning slightly. Then she shrugged. “Ok, well… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow? Or…”
“Yeah,” I nodded dismissively. I pulled a fresh pair of briefs from my dresser and slipped them on, then I pulled up my discarded jeans from last night. “Something like that.”
Her frown deepened, but she didn’t say anything.
I leaned down on the bed and planted a kiss on her forehead.
“Catch ya later, Ladybug,” I said softly.
The full force of guilt and confusion didn’t hit me until I’d made it down the stairs and out to my truck. By the time I turned the key in the ignition, my mind had gone to work juxtaposing everything that happened this morning with everything my brother had warned me about last night.
She said I make her happy… she said this is the best sleep she’s had in who knows how long… I rubbed my throbbing temple as I drove down the neighborhood street towards Firehouse 56.
What am I doing?! I asked myself. What if Josh is right? What if we’re both just caught up in this lie we’ve created… what if I can’t be the man she’s looking for? What happens if this all blows up in our faces? What happens if I break her heart?
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Cassidy. But I also couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
I slammed my fist onto the steering wheel, trying to distract myself from all of the thoughts that were racing through my head.
For years, I had avoided commitment like the plague. I would abandon ship at the first sign of settling down: leave a toothbrush at my place? I’d stop returning your calls. Leave a tampon in my truck? I’d stop texting back. Ask me to meet your parents? I’d ghost like Patrick Swayze.
Cassidy was the first woman who hadn’t triggered my flight instinct. Being with her felt good… and the thought of having a future made me feel excited, instead of scared.
So why did that all change because of what my stupid brother said? Why had all of those fears and reservations come sneaking back so suddenly? What was I suddenly so afraid of?
Cassidy had made me so happy… and I knew that I made her happy, too. So why was I wondering if this was all one big fat mistake?
My mind was still doing circles when I pulled up to Firehouse 56 and parked my truck behind the station.
The crackle of bacon frying greeted me when I stepped into the firehouse, and I found the guys cooking up a breakfast in the kitchen.
“Brady!” Bryce cheered, slapping my back as I walked into the room. “It’s the man of the hour!”
“What are you talking about?” I groaned. “Did someone write another story about me in the newspaper again?”
“You wish,” Duke scoffed.
“Actually,” Logan said, “We were just putting our heads together and planning your bachelor party!”
“Guys, that’s…” I groaned again, “You don’t have to…”
“I tried to talk ‘em out of it,” Josh said flatly, glaring up at me from the stove, where he was stirring a skillet full of scrambled eggs with a spatula. “But they insisted.”
“Of course we insisted!” Troy said, ruffling my hair. “It’s not everyday that one of our own cuts off his own balls and submits himself to a life of torment and monotony.”
“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘monogamy,’” Logan corrected him.
“Same thing,” Troy shrugged. “Either way, we need to send you off with a bang.”
“Well I appreciate the effort, but I really don’t want to make this into a big deal…”
“Why not?” Josh narrowed his eyes at me. He was still seething from last night. “You only get married once… right, brother?”
I returned his glare as I reached for a piece of bacon and popped it into my mouth.
“Anyway, January,” Duke was saying. “You really shouldn’t be a selfish little bitch about this. This is the first wedding we all get to celebrate, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we want to do things the old-fashioned way: lots of booze, lots of strippers, and a weekend of antics that are sworn to secrecy. So, don’t ruin this for the rest of us by making it all about you.”
“Jesus, Duke,” I rolled my eyes. “You really need to get out more.”
“Relax,” Bryce said, cupping his hands over my shoulders. “Duke isn’t on the party planning committee.”
“There’s a party planning committee for this thing?”
“Just a few of us,” Bryce shrugged. Then he leaned in and hissed: “Ok, it’s literally everyone but Duke. But don’t tell him that…”
I shook my head.
“Well whatever you’re planning,” I said, “Keep it low-key. I really don’t want this to turn into something--”
“Ok, I just found flights to Vegas for $100 bucks a head,” Logan announced, flicking his eyes up from the screen of his iPad.
“No way,” I shook my head. “We’re not going to fucking Vegas.”
“That’s not up to you,” Troy reminded me. Then he waved his finger around the kitchen and said: “That’s up to the party planning committee.”
“I can’t do Vegas,” Bryce said meekly. “Who would watch my daughter?”
“Hire a fucking babysitter,” Duke shook his head in annoyance.
“Vegas is off the table,” I said firmly. “And so is anything else beyond the tri-state area. We’re not flying anywhere.”
“Someone get rid of January,” Duke said, pushing me towards the door of the kitchen. “Before he tries to sign us up for a sober weekend of furniture building and Bible reading at some Amish compound in Pennsylvania…”
“Actually, that might not be such a bad idea. I’ve always wanted to learn how to make furniture…” Bryce said thoughtfully. That was the last thing I heard before I was banished from the kitchen, with the door slammed in my face.
I sighed heavily, then I took the stairs down to the vehicle bay. Without the chatter of the guys debating bachelor party destinations, my mind was free to wander back to Cassidy.
I wondered if she was still in my bed… or if she had already left and gone back home. I felt a pang of excitement, thinking about the way her naked body looked, wrapped up in my black bed sheets. I palmed my phone in my pants pocket and debated texting her, but then my excitement died and was replaced with another wave of confusion.
What’s the real problem here? I asked myself. Is it that we’re lying? Or is the problem that I just don’t trust myself?
I thought back to that day at the cake shop… I remembered the clarity that I felt when I looked across the table at her. I had meant what I told her that day, about knowing when you’ve found the right one. And I sure as hell wasn’t talking about cakes, either.
So where had that certainty gone? What had happened to the excitement I felt that day?
I reached for my cell phone and clicked into my inbox. Cassidy was right at the top. I typed out a quick text and hit ‘send’:
‘I want to see you tonight.’
She responded almost instantly”
‘I thought you had to work late?’
I typed out a response and read through it a few times:
‘I can sneak out early. Would you like to swing by the station and meet the guys, then join me for dinner?’
Then, before I could second guess myself, I hit ‘send.’
I’m not going to fuck this up, I decided. Especially not because of some stupid shit that Josh said…