I can’t stop shaking. I still hear his words in my head. Jay threatened me; he threatened me that if I don’t do as he says he’ll drive my whole race to extinction just to make a point. His other self wouldn’t do something like that. Never. That was the reason I fell for Silver Jay in the first place. He isn’t risky and adventurous, but instead, he’s steady and safe. And right now, I want safe.

My mind is racing; Jay has to change back so that he recovers his powers. Pyro and Cross won’t be enough to protect us all after we arrive at our destination. Silver spend some time triangulating the position of the energy center using the cube and managed to estimate that we should be heading towards Mosa’s City Hall.

We’re close enough to only takes us less than a day to get there, but with the news of the council initiating the Purge anytime now, everything is a big, fucking mess. And in the middle of it, I can do nothing but think if I made the right choice when choosing Jay over Jasih...or the other way around.

“Fuck!” I suddenly utter.

I can’t do this anymore. I just want to take a break from my life and start over. No Esuh, no Nusae, no corrupt Originators, no pressure.

I rest my head on my hands and breath in. I’m sitting in the middle of the camp, close to the generator that Pyro set up to fuel the protective force field. It’s not something extraordinary, but it’s strong enough to keep any zombies away long enough for us to get away. The engine drones serenely, being the only thing right now showing a semblance of normality. It’s soothing in its own, twisted way.

“You should rest.”

“What the?” I squeak when I hear Cross’ voice from behind me. He scared the shit out of me. I would have started screaming if I didn’t see him smiling at me the minute I turn my head. “What the hell, Dale? I could have hurt you.”

He stops smiling and looks at me with a grave look on his face. “You used my first name after so long. It’s somehow...odd hearing it come off your lips.”

He’s right. I haven’t uttered his name for so long now. I do call him Dale now and then, but I never really mean it in a friendly way. A minute ago, though, when he scared me, I went back a year. Back then, he was just a human doctor that was trying to help us save Jay, and I was just a clueless Chronicler that thought that her life’s purpose was to untangle the Nusae Mystery. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe I shouldn’t have saved Jay from his cryogenic pod after all.

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

“You’re troubled about your boyfriend, Jasih, right?” he suddenly says.

He’s still on his feet, watching the engine slightly shake while producing energy. He keeps his arms crossed before his chest. His eyes shine in the dim light of the engine. He looks stunning, as always.

“Yes. And no. I’m concerned about this mission, too. Do you think we have any chance of going through with this? Are we going to survive? Will we manage to save the Phadh?,” I say.

I feel calmer almost instantly. Talking about my fears to him make them real, but seeing Cross not change his attitude or get worried, somehow makes me feel stronger. These men are all miracle workers after all.

“Maybe you’re thinking it the wrong way, Eladia. Up there, in the spaceship, there’s a young girl named Alyce. That girl, and every member of her family, all her friends, even common strangers that have nothing to do with her, will die if we don’t go through with this mission. I don’t know if we are going to survive, but if I’m going to die for something, then I’ll do it in a way that that girl, up in the sky, will get to keep her life instead.”

Cross takes another step towards me and squats next to me. He stretches his hands and plays with the shadows the light casts on the wall.

I’m not sure if I feel better now, but surely I feel confident. This man hasn’t changed a bit since we met. He may be the Organization’s Swamp, devoting his life to the people he’s trying to protect, but he’ll always be that doctor I met a year ago, a person mending other people’s lives.

“You’re right, I guess. I’m also worried about Jay. You did a good job guessing back there.” I stop and look at him. He stares me back. I keep on talking. “He’s not himself anymore, and I think I may be the reason for that. I chose his dark side, and now I think I’ve made a mistake. I couldn’t choose between them, so I thought that the most fun one was the one I wanted. But back there? I don’t know. He was tired and aggressive. He was in no way funny or heroic. He acted just like a wounded animal, growling at me and showing his teeth. And I’m not sure I can live with that.”

He listens to me patiently as I talk. His expression is softer now and against all the odds, a grin appears on his face. Is he trying to mock me by laughing at my problems? Maybe he’s not the man I thought he’s after all.

“It wasn’t your fault, Eladia. Jasih is a troubled person. He always was and always will be. He’s the last of his race and will probably remain like that until he dies. Also, he carries inside him two personalities, both of them damaged and conflicted. Honestly, even if it was the other Jay calling the shots about the cube, I think things wouldn’t be too different.”

Or maybe I’m just a bitch that doesn’t know what she wants. Yeah, that would work too as an excuse. Cross...well, Dale, is a wise person that I’ve met too late in my life. If I hadn’t fallen for Jay, then maybe I would have fallen for him. But now, watching him suffer in his own skin, trying to understand what’s going on with his life as well, I’m starting to feel that my problems are not so big after all.

I smile at him and nod. It’s the only thing I can do without making a fool of myself. He gets back on his feet and turns to walk away.

“You never talk about yourself,” I suddenly say. I don’t know what made me say that to him now, but it feels like the right thing to do. After all, I trusted him with my problems. Maybe he can do the same with his, too.

He turns and stares at me; my heart skips a beat. “What do you want to know?”

He smiles; I smile back at him. I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m cheating on Jay just by looking at him.

“Do you have someone important to your life? Someone you want to protect?”

“Of course. Why do you think I put up with the Organization if not to protect that certain someone?” He sounds like he’s having fun answering my questions.

So, I keep firing them away.

“So, does that certain someone has a name?”

He cracks a loud laugh but quickly stops so he doesn’t wake everyone up. It’s really late and tomorrow we all should be rested.

“Yes, he has. But I’m not in the mood for sharing it.”

Did he just say he? Maybe I didn’t hear him right.

“Also, I want to protect you as well. Does that count as enough people or not?” he says and smiles at me again.

“I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll say yes. We’re more than enough for one man,” I say.

He got me by surprise with that last sentence of his. He wants to protect me as well. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I can’t say anything in return. It would have ruined the moment. Still, there’s something that seems relevant.

“I want to protect you, too. And everyone in this crew. Well, your friend Pyro maybe a little less, but I would hate seeing him die in this mission. He kept Silver and Zan safe throughout this year. That much I owe him.”

Dale turns his back on me and walks away laughing. He’s heading towards his tent, never saying a thing. He moves his head up and down, nodding from behind, but I don’t manage to get more answers from him. Dale manages to remain a mystery to me even after I’ve learned that he has people in his life he wants to protect. Who are they, except me? I really hope I get to know some day.

I stand on my feet and head towards Jay’s tent. Right then, everything that happened back in the shuttle comes back to me. By constantly being in this form, Jay has started to lose his mind. I can’t sleep with him, not when I don’t know if I’ll wake up alive. Every other day I would have trusted him with my life, but tonight, I want to keep it for myself.

So, when I turn and head toward Silver’s tent, I fumble the grip of the laser gun I keep on me.

I have many people I want to protect as well, and I’ll do everything in my power to do so, even if I have to lose everything in the process.