Chapter Six
“Grady and Charli dropped by and brought barbecue,” Etta announced when Deacon opened the door. “They said it was from the Honky Tonk Angels Bar and Grille.” She opened the paper bag and Deacon inhaled.
“If it tastes as good as it smells, it’ll be a hit.”
They went inside and as Deacon put placemats, plates, napkins, and utensils on the table, Etta unloaded the bag. “Good grief, they must think we’re bottomless pits. There are four sandwiches, fries, coleslaw, potato salad, fried okra, and two sweet potatoes.”
“So we’ll have leftovers. Want a beer?”
“Sure, thanks.”
They sat, filled their plates, and started eating.
“Oh my God this is good,” Etta mumbled around a mouthful.
Deacon nodded, swallowed, and took a drink from his beer. “Want to explain to me the logic behind having JJ chasing two bobcat cubs all day?”
“Have you spoken with him about what he’s supposed to be doing?”
“He mentioned it.”
“And?”
“And I’m still waiting on your logic.”
“It’s good for him.”
“How so?”
“I know you don’t have time to spend watching him, but if you did, you’d see. He focuses on those cubs for hours without having an episode. He’s making progress and doesn’t even know it.”
Deacon wiped his hands on his napkin and got up to get a bottle of hot sauce from the cupboard. “You’re propping him up, aren’t you?”
“Only when he can’t do it alone.”
“You can’t be his crutch, Etta.”
“I’m not trying to be.
“Aren’t you?
“No.” She stopped eating.
“I hope you’re not lying to yourself about this because you’re running a big risk here.”
“I know.”
“Okay then. I’m just going to say this once. He’s a patient.”
“I know that.”
“Yeah, in your head. But you’re thinking with your hormones, Etta.”
“That’s a shitty thing to say. It’s not like I’m trying to get in his pants or get him in mine.”
“I didn’t say you were trying, but you’re thinking about it.”
“You’re crossing a line, Deacon. Even for you.”
“Am I? I thought there was honesty between us.”
“There is but… shit, okay fine. I have thought about it. Jesus, I’m human, so sue me. He’s hot and I haven’t been laid in so long I think I’m shriveling up inside and it’s a sure bet you’re not gonna man up and help me out on that front, so yeah, I’ve imagined it. But I haven’t and wouldn’t act on it and I thought you knew me well enough to know that.”
“Okay, first, low blow, friend. It’s never been about manning up and you know that would screw things up for us. And second, I do know you well enough and I do believe you’ll always do what’s best for your patient, but I needed you to say it out loud and to promise me that as long as he’s in your care you won’t sleep with him.”
“Okay.”
“No, say the words, Etta. We can’t dance to that tune again. Say it.”
“I promise that I will not sleep with Jasper Jacks as long as he is in my care. Satisfied?
“I am.”
“Well, I wish I was.” She picked up her fork and stabbed a big chunk of potato.
Deacon laughed. “Girl, you need to get out more.”
“Amen to that, brother.”
“So what’s next? For JJ?”
“I’m not sure. He honestly does pretty well here on Sanctuary land, but we know that’s a far cry from functioning in the field, or even out and about in civilian life. I was thinking maybe it would be good for him to get into town. Are you headed in for anything?”
“Maybe a supply run later in the week.”
“Would you consider asking him to go with you?”
“Sure. Maybe I’ll treat the man to a steak dinner. Greene’s Steakhouse serves one fine ribeye.”
“That’d be great.”
“What about you? Have you left this place since you arrived?”
“Once—no, twice. I ran into town for personal stuff.”
“So you’re not exactly putting your best foot forward to make friends here, are you?”
“Are you?”
“Touché.”
Etta smiled. “We might not be a couple, but we’re a damn pair, Deac. I don’t know which one of us needs to get a life more.”
“You might have a point.”
“Which is Deac speak for nothing is going to change, right?”
“Life is nothing but change, Etta. You know that. We’ve been going through one change after another for six years. What’s the longest we’ve stayed in one place in that time?”
“Eighteen months. In Maryland.”
“I rest my case. Change is the one constant in our lives.”
Etta leaned back and looked at him. “Why do you think that is?”
“You know why. Because like JJ, we haven’t stopped running from the past.”
“You mean I haven’t.”
“We. I told you I wouldn’t leave you until you ‘re ready, and I always keep my word.”
She brushed away a tear that escaped from one eye. “I don’t know why, Deac. You give up so much for me and I honestly don’t know why.”
“Sure you do, kiddo.”
She smiled and reached over to put her hand on top of his. “I’ll let you go now if it’s what you want. You mean more to me than anything, Deac, and I want you to be happy.”
“I’m not unhappy, so don’t fret. When the time comes, we’ll both know and then we’ll do what’s right.”
“What’s right. It’s always so easy for you, isn’t it? Just do what’s right.”
“Life is as simple as you make it, kid. Now, let’s get this grub put away. I’ve got a new book I want to start.”
“Aye, sir.”
In ten minutes, everything was put away, the kitchen was clean, and Deacon had given her a hug and shooed her out of the door. Etta walked back to her little house, thinking about the conversation with Deacon.
Was she keeping him from moving on with his life? Was there something he wanted to do and was sacrificing his own desires to honor a promise to her? If he was, then what kind of friend did that make her if she allowed him to continue?
Etta stopped as it hit her. What would she do if Deacon left her? He was all she had. Her parents were gone, she had no siblings, and no relatives that she knew of since both of her parents were only children and all of her grandparents were dead.
She turned and looked back at Deacon’s house. Maybe Jasper Jacks wasn’t the only one who needed to work on standing on his own. Maybe she had some work to do on that as well.
*****
Etta slowed to a brisk walk. These days she was putting in more miles during her morning runs and making a point not to coincide her runs with JJ’s. He’d been there for six and a half weeks and in that time, she’d learned a good bit about him.
He was an honest man, but a private one. He’d tell her flat out if he didn’t want to answer a question or discuss a topic she brought up. She respected that, but also knew he was avoiding talking about things he kept bottled up, and those things were causing him distress.
His unease was less than in the beginning, and he was relearning to focus on something enough to take his mind off memories that caused him panic or pain. Working with the cubs had helped tremendously and now they followed him around like he was their mother.
She chuckled to herself as she thought about his first week with them. The hunting was an epic failure. So much so that he went out alone, set snares, and captured mice that he put into a small pen and kept fed so that he could release one a day for the cubs to chase and kill.
Etta appreciated that he thought outside the box and was trying to accomplish the task she’d assigned to him. She never let him know that the cubs could have been set loose at any time and the probability they would survive was far better than average. Cats of any species were natural hunters.
She never mentioned that to JJ. He’d grown attached to the cubs, and always seemed more at peace after being with them. She planned to introduce him to some other animals in the center soon.
But for now, she was content with their progress. Well, to be honest, his progress. There were times when she felt she was losing a battle and she honestly didn’t know what to do about it.
Etta had treated a lot of military personnel for PTSD, and most of those had been men. There’d been a good many handsome, charismatic, or charming ones, but she’d never seen them as anything other than a person who was trying to heal and needed help.
With JJ, her feelings got in the way. She acknowledged his disorder, along with the physical injuries from which he was still in recovery, but she couldn’t disregard his appeal. She’d tried to ignore it, and that hadn’t worked at all. She’d tried to accept it, but that didn’t dampen its power. There was something about him that got to her. In a big way.
So what was a woman to do? She couldn’t act on it. Not even when she knew it was reciprocal. That was the biggest drawback to being empathic. Knowing. And knowing that he was attracted to her made it all the more difficult to remain detached and professional.
Shit. Just her luck. For the first time in years, she found a man who appealed to her and he was off limits. She had to figure something out, and fast.
Etta stopped and looked out over the lake. She loved the glassy stillness, the reflection of the sun’s rays streaking the eastern sky, giving the illusion of dual worlds. Perhaps it was the duality that drew her. Air and water, real and illusory. Both beautiful and fragile.
Today it was the cool and dark beneath that glassy surface that called to her. She quickly kicked off her shoes, peeled off her socks, unfastened her watch and stuffed it into one shoe, and then took off at a run.
Three steps into the water and she dove. The coolness enveloped her, soothing hot skin. She swam until her breath ran out, then kicked to the surface.
That’s when she saw him. JJ. Wearing running shorts and nothing else. Diving into the water. Etta treaded water, watching for him to surface. Seconds ticked by, then more, then enough that she started to feel concern. She turned around, scanning the lake.
Concern turned into a small squeak of surprise when he rose silently in front of her.
“Oh! You scared me.”
“Sorry.”
“Yes, the grin on your face tells me you’re quite contrite,” she teased and hoped he took it as such. It wasn’t often he wore such an open smile on his face. All too often there was an under-layer of tension. This morning it was gone and she was struck by just how handsome he was.
“You got me.”
If only. She couldn’t help letting that statement inspire a little fantasy.
“I thought you ran at five?”
“Usually I do, but today Deacon needed a hand getting some cattle rounded up. Mason’s selling twenty head.”
“You know how to round up cattle?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. Deacon needed them on the truck by six so I delayed my run.”
“That was nice of you to help.”
“Seems like I don’t have anything but time these days, so might as well put it to good use. Oh, that reminds me. Mason said there’s a festival coming up in town. Spring Fling or something. Most everyone who works here is getting time off, and he wanted to know if I wanted to join him and Grady and their wives.”
“I think that’s a great idea. You haven’t been to town since you arrived and I’m sure you’re getting stir-crazy.”
“Would you like to go?”
Etta wasn’t sure who was the more surprised by his invitation, but felt his surprise as keenly as her own. If ever there was a time she wanted to say yes, this was it. But he was her patient.
“I’d say yes, but it would be inappropriate. You are my patient, after all.”
“Only until you sign the paper saying I’m fit for duty.”
“Correct.”
“So, sign it.”
“I can’t.” Rather than let the conversation continue, she pushed off and started swimming toward the shore.
He was a much faster swimmer and beat her there by a good margin. He stood in waist-deep water and waited for her to swim in. “Why?” he asked when she reached him.
“Because you’re not ready.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not”
“How do you know?”
Etta didn’t want this. It would set them back. “I just do.” She tried to move around him, but he deliberately got in her way.
“That’s not good enough.”
“Fine.” She jumped on him, putting the entire weight of her body into it and managed to shove him under the water.
That was when the hard part came in. Using every bit of strength she possessed, she held him down. At first, he didn’t struggle. Then time passed and she knew his oxygen had to be getting low. He couldn’t hold his breath forever.
There. He pushed back and she bore down, trying to make it difficult for him to rise to the surface. Like a vibration, she felt his panic reverberate through her. He shoved and pushed and literally lifted her out of the water. His eyes were wide with rage and fear and his breath was great heaves.
JJ continued to lift her and with a roar, threw her. Fortunately, hitting the water was a lot less painful than if they had been on dry land. She sank beneath the surface and immediately pushed up.
His chest was still heaving and his eyes were wild. She knew full well that he was in a fragile state at the moment, and a dangerous one. “JJ, I need you to listen to me.” She didn’t try to approach him.
“Fuck. Off.” His words were a feral growl that alarmed her. Until now, he’d always maintained a level of control.
“JJ, please. You need—”
Etta would have screamed, it startled her so bad, but she didn’t have time to make a sound before he had hold of her by the upper arms. His fingers dug into her skin, his grip as tight as a vise.
“Let go.”
He jerked her close, so close she could feel his breath in her face. His gaze was wild, but sought to connect with hers. She wasn’t strong enough to fight him so there was no point in physical resistance.
Etta willed her body to relax despite the pain his grasp caused. She looked into his eyes. “You’re hurting me, JJ, and I know you don’t want to do that.”
It took some effort to keep her voice calm and soft, and even though she felt genuine fear that he was out of reach, she lowered her guards and allowed all his rage and fear to buffet her in waves like that of a giant storm.
At present, rage held sway over fear. No, that wasn’t right. Fear was driving the rage. He needed to strike back at what made him afraid, vanquish it so that it no longer had power over him.
“You can’t beat it with hate and anger, JJ. Hate and rage only beget more of the same. But you can beat it. Can’t you see that? In my eyes. It’s there. The answer is there. Just breathe.”
She dared to raise her right hand up to his right wrist. “Please.” She tugged gently.
After a moment, his grip released. She guided his hand to the center of her chest. “Feel that? Do you feel my heart? My breath? Let your breath match mine. Let your heart beat with mine. We can overcome it, JJ. Together we can make it disappear. But you have to let go. Surrender. To me.”
She saw the panic in his eyes and then the clench of his jaw and knew he struggled with what churned inside him. Would he be strong enough to surrender?
He yanked her closer, pinning his hand between her chest and his. She had to tilt her head back to maintain their locked gaze. “Breath, JJ. In…” She inhaled slowly and then before she exhaled spoke again. “And out.”
It took her four rotations before he joined. The unevenness of his breath told her how difficult it was, and she worried that he would give up before he found the pace. “Stay with me, JJ. Feel my heart beating. Feel my breath. Be here. With me.”
Time lost all meaning. Etta couldn’t say whether it was their fiftieth or five hundredth breath, but when his breath fell into sync with hers, relief made her feel a bit weak.
On and on, one breath, one heartbeat. Joined by touch and breath and gaze, they merely were. Etta began to feel him. Inside her mind, in that part of her that had the ability to not just sense the emotions of others, but to share them.
She felt the pain beneath the calm, the fury and hate at those who had hurt him and the deep-seated fear that he’d not endure another such event. She felt the shame that nearly crippled him, and it made tears spill from her eyes.
He’d suffered so much horror and pain, and despite all that had been done to him, he’d found a way to fight back, to escape and to get back to his unit with information Command turned over to those higher up the chain of command. That information was the key to the elimination of one of the most dangerous terrorist cells in the world.
JJ had paid more than his fair share and continued to pay because his shame at thinking he couldn’t endure it all again made him feel disgraced and dishonored and that, more than anything, stripped the fabric of his being. He was, first and always, a Navy SEAL. His entire identity was inexorably entwined with that and if he couldn’t go back to being that again, then he was nothing at all.
Etta saw and felt it. It broke her heart and it changed everything. What she’d said was a lie. They weren’t just patient and doctor. They were far more and no matter what it took or how long, she was going to help him find his way back to wholeness.
“Etta.”
Dear God, how was it that those two syllables, spilling from his lips were the sound of an invocation, spoken with enough reverence and emotion to sanctify the word and brand the sound and emotion forever in her heart and mind?
How was she supposed to resist? Or was she?
“I was wrong, JJ.”
“About?”
“About the festival. I’d really love to go with you if the offer still stands.”
“It does.”
“Then it’s a date.”
“And the other?”
Damn. Her answer could blow the moment to smithereens, but she couldn’t lie. She could, however, play it a different way.
“What do you think, JJ? Are you ready?”
His gaze turned inward, but not for long. “Not yet. But I will be.”
“Yes, you will.”
“And until then, I’ll do what you ask, and I won’t fight you. But when I’m ready, you have to sign those papers, Etta. I have to go and prove I’m me again.”
“Yes, I know.” She did know that, and she wanted it for him. What that meant to her was a mystery. She hadn’t and didn’t know that she would share her feelings with him. It might be her caring, her love that would help him find his way to wholeness again, but after that, he might just not need her anymore.
And despite what she felt for him, she needed to start preparing now for the day he walked out of her life. Forever.