Chapter Seven
“Are you okay?” Savannah lowered into her chair with a worried expression on her face.
“Yes, fine.” Etta couldn’t look at Savannah and lie so she busied herself finishing the pitcher of lemonade.
Surprisingly, she and Savannah had become friends. Etta gave credit for that to Savannah. She’d not stopped dropping by Sanctuary and every time, she made a point to seek Etta out.
“You don’t sound fine.”
Etta kept her back to Savannah. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Like?”
“Work.”
“You mean JJ?”
Etta cut a look over her shoulder at Savannah. “What makes you say that?”
“Maybe the fact that every time you look at him, you get that look.”
“What look?”
“The one that says you’re crazy about him.”
Etta wanted to lie and say it wasn’t true, but she also had a bone-deep need to be honest with someone about her feelings. She poured two glasses of lemonade and took them to the table.
“Thanks.” Savannah accepted a glass and waited until Etta sat before continuing. “You can trust me, you know.”
Etta did know that. Savannah had trusted Etta with things from her past. Terrible things that could have done massive psychological damage to her. It was a testament to her strength and the goodness inside her that Savannah had not only overcome all that horror, but also had such a capacity for love and compassion.
“I know. It’s just…”
“You’re not supposed to talk about patients.”
“I can’t talk about patients.”
“But this isn’t about JJ the patient. It’s about JJ the man.”
“I may have screwed up, Savannah.”
“How?”
“I said I’d go to the Spring Fling in town with him.”
“So?”
“So, he’s my patient.”
“Well, are you planning on sleeping with him?”
“Of course not.”
“Then what’s the problem? I mean, doesn’t he have to be able to integrate back into society before he can return to active duty? If he can’t swing a town festival, then he sure isn’t ready, so it seems like a good exercise.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“Well, there you go.”
“And I also used it as an excuse to be with him. He gets to me.”
Savannah reached over to take Etta’s hand. “And that doesn’t happen often, does it?”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Then maybe you should just go with the flow. I know, I know, that sounds trite, but it’s true. Sometimes you have to stop trying to control things and just go with it. You’re too much of a professional to cross any lines, but you might figure out if you’re really into him or just think you are.”
“Maybe.”
“And you need to get out now and then.”
“Are you and Mason going?”
“Girl, these days, Mason and I see a night where Tommy goes to sleep early and we get to snuggle in the bed and watch TV as a big deal.”
“It won’t be long you’ll have another one to put to bed. Are you still feeling good?”
“Yes. It’s funny but aside from being a roly-poly, I feel amazing.”
“You’re sure one of the few women I’ve ever seen who looks incredible pregnant.”
“I don’t know about that, but I don’t mind it. It’s pretty amazing, feeling a life growing inside you.”
“I bet that will be one beautiful baby.”
“You’re kind and also nice job on turning the conversation away from yourself. Are you ever going to be comfortable talking about yourself?”
“I’m working on it.”
“It’s okay. I’m just glad we’re friends. Which reminds me. Can women be MPs?”
“Sure.”
“Oh good. I want a female MP in this book I’m working on. Could I email you a list of questions?”
“Sure. I’m not an expert, but I’ll tell you what I can.”
“Thanks.” Savannah’s phone rang. She fished it out of her purse. “It’s Mason,” she announced with a smile, then answered. “Hey, handsome. Sure. Okay. All right.”
She put the phone back into her purse. “He’s headed over to pick me up.”
“I’m glad you stopped by while you were here.”
“So am I. You want to get together the first of the week? Maybe for lunch?”
“Yes, that would be great.”
“Okay. I’ll give you a call on Sunday to set it up.” She took a sip of the lemonade. “God, I love this stuff.”
“Then take it with you.” Etta got up to transfer Savannah’s drink to a plastic cup and also to pour the pitcher of lemonade into a big container.
“Let me take this out for you,” she offered.
“Thanks.” Savannah got up and they headed out of the door. Just as they stepped onto the porch, Mason pulled up.
He parked and got out of the car to open Savannah’s door for her. Savannah gave Etta a hug. “Try and have some fun tonight, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
After Savannah was in the car, Etta handed her the container of lemonade and the cup. She smiled at Mason. “Have a good weekend. See you on Monday.”
“You too, Etta.”
“Talk to you on Sunday,” Savannah reminded her.
“Looking forward to it.”
Etta closed the car door and watched as Mason backed up and then pulled away. Finally, she turned and went into the house.
It had been years since she’d had a date, and while this wasn’t officially a date, she still wanted to wear something aside from her typical outfit of cargo pants. She went into the bedroom and opened the closet door.
Now, what kind of outfit was appropriate to wear on an outing with a man you wanted to jump and one you couldn’t touch?
*****
JJ got out of the car and walked around to the driver’s door. Etta smiled at him when he opened it for her. She got out, locked the car, and took his arm. The look of surprise he gave her was iced with pleasure and it caused her smile to linger.
The drive into town was pleasant. She gotten him to talk about his childhood in Kentucky and that seemed to relax him. Etta enjoyed listening to him, and the stories he shared gave her a lot of insight into who he was and where he’d come from.
They laughed a lot and she found herself thinking how much fun he was to be around when he could step away from his trauma. She prayed she could help him make that the norm. It would be a real shame for someone who seemed to have so much zest for life and love for family and friends to be crippled with PTSD for life.
Etta just wasn’t going to let that happen to JJ. He deserved better. She looked up at him and he smiled at her. “Is it okay if I tell you that you look pretty?”
“I don’t see why not. We’re not here as doctor and patient, after all.”
“In that case, you’re beautiful tonight, Dr.—”
“Etta.”
“Etta.”
Her heart leapt at the way he said her name. “Thank you, JJ. That’s very kind.”
They reached the end of the parking area and stepped onto the sidewalk.
“It’s not just words, you know. You are beautiful.”
She shook her head. Etta knew she wasn’t a troll, but she wasn’t exceptional either. Her hair was white, for goodness sakes, her eyebrows as black as night, and her eyes were light enough that it made some people uncomfortable, particularly since she had the bronze skin of a Pacific Islander, thanks to her mother.
Striking was a word people had often used to describe her, but not beautiful.
“You’re kinda like that girl on that TV show that everyone went nuts over. You know the girl who’s heir to the throne and amassing an army and has dragons that hatched from eggs?”
“Oh yes, I know what you’re talking about, but I haven’t watched it. I don’t get much time for television.”
“Well, you remind me of her a little.”
Just then, a voice had them both stopping to look behind them. Grady and Charli walked up, hand in hand. Etta was struck again by what a beautiful couple they made. If there was a Halloween festival, then those two should definitely do superhero costumes because they sure filled the bill.
JJ shook hands with Grady and smiled at Charli. “You get the night off, Deputy?”
“That I did,” she said, grinned and looked at Etta. “Is this your first time in town, Dr. Whitestone?”
“Etta, please, and no, but it’s the first time I’m here for something other than running a fast errand. It’s a beautiful little town.”
“It is,” Charli agreed. “And full of good folks. You guys want to meet up in a bit to grab some dinner?”
Etta looked at JJ and he said, “It’s up to you.”
“Then yes, we’d love to,” Etta replied.
“Okay, then you’re gonna want to drive,” Grady said. “Did you park in the lot behind the church?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, when you come out, take a left, go one block, take a left onto Maple, another left onto Curry. That’ll take you down to Vine. Turn right, go to Main street, turn right and Honky Tonk is on the right about a half a mile down.”
“Got it. What time?”
“Seven?” Charli asked.
“Sounds great. See you then.”
“See ya,” JJ added.
Charli and Grady waved and headed across the street. Etta noticed them stopping to talk to two men in sheriff’s uniforms on the sidewalk. She looked around and then at JJ. “So you want to just wander around for a bit?”
“Sure.”
She took his arm again and they headed down the sidewalk. There were a lot more people than she’d anticipated. In fact, there were times when people ahead of them would stop to look at something a vendor had for sale and it would basically bottleneck foot traffic.
The road was closed off to cars, so she tugged on JJ’s arm and stepped out into the street. It was a bit better and for a little while they just followed the crowd, stopping now and again to check out wares from a local vendor, or to sample goodies people had to offer.
The closer they got to the main square, the more crowded it was. She could hear music. There must be a band playing. It was what was drawing the crowd.
Within minutes, it was next to impossible not to bump into or be bumped into by others. Etta suddenly realized that JJ had stopped talking and she looked up at him.
Oh, oh. This wasn’t good. There was a sheen of perspiration on his face, which seemed a bit pale.
“Come on.” She took his hand and tugged.
He didn’t argue, but she saw the strain on his face. As she tried to work her way back through the people, the crowd just seemed to get more packed. She felt JJ’s hand grow damp in hers and cut a look at him over her shoulder.
Damn, damn, damn. They weren’t making quick enough progress. Being hemmed in by the crowd was working on him; she could see it in his expression, in the tension that radiated from him. She had to do something and fast.
But what? In near panic, she looked around, searching for an exit. She spotted an opening and went for it, shouldering her way to the sidewalk. It was just as crowded, but she managed to get to the back of the crowd and to the local bakery that was now closed. She backed up against the brick wall and pulled JJ in front of her.
“Look at me, JJ. Just me.”
“I—can’t—can’t do this.”
Etta had to get him focused on her, get his mind off whatever had triggered his reaction. She saw him look around, recognized the panic-stricken look in his eyes, and acted without thinking.
“JJ!”
The moment he looked at her, she grabbed his shirt in both hands, jerked him to her, and kissed him. At first, he tensed, and she thought he would pull away. She moved her arms up, around his neck and hung on.
His lips were stiff and his eyes wide.
“Trust me,” she said against his lips.
When he rodeoed her up against the wall, slanted his mouth over hers, and parted his lips, she opened hers in surprise. Assault was the first thought that came to mind, then plunder. That’s how it felt. He plundered with his kiss, taking as his body held her captive, pinned to the wall.
She would have pushed him away, would have turned her head from the kiss, but it changed. It was no less demanding, but the feeling of being attacked vanished. In its place was need, a deep emptiness that yearned to be filled, a wish that couldn’t be put into words, and a passion that had been too long dormant.
Etta could feel it all and it nearly overwhelmed her. She didn’t know how to fight it, so she didn’t. Instead, she surrendered. Whatever he gave, she took, becoming the receptacle for his hunger and his fear.
And in that giving she felt something quite unexpected. She felt him stop taking. His kiss gentled. He teased, pleasured, aroused, and incited with his lips and body. Etta yielded to the passion he awakened and became aware that he no longer was in a state of panic.
“Oh, my lord!” A high-pitched female voice right behind JJ startled them.
JJ turned his head to look over his shoulder and Etta looked around him. A very short, very round woman, who was most likely in her late seventies, stood with a very skinny woman of probably the same age whose hair was as black as a crow.
“You should be ashamed going on like that in public!” The short woman dressed in pink denim and rhinestones with the teased-up blonde hair exclaimed. “Come on, Netta, let’s find us somewhere people aren’t doing the hoochie coochie in the street.”
The woman identified as Netta took the chubby one’s arm. “Honestly, Nellie Mae, did you see that? Why that gal was practically letting him you-know-what her right there on the sidewalk. And what’s with that white hair? You think she’s one of them Goth people?”
“I don’t know, Netta, but I tell you, ever since that Annie broke down in the middle of town in that RV, Cotton Creek’s been on a fast slide to perdition. Need I remind you about all that going on with Mason James before he married that writer woman?”
Etta and JJ both listened until they couldn’t hear what the women were saying before they looked at one another. When they did, Etta tried to hold it back, but the laugh broke free. A split second later, JJ joined in and before long, they were holding onto one another howling.
When Etta could finally talk again, she wiped her eyes and blew out a breath. “Well, that was—”
“A definite mood killer.”
“Nah, just two old ladies who probably like to gossip and now have something new to talk about. You know, the Goth girl with loose morals and all.”
JJ smiled. “Goth, right.”
Etta returned the smile, trying not to let her mind go back to the kiss. Wow. What a kiss. That was one for the record books for sure. Even thinking about it made her feel warm and…needy.
Definitely not what she should allow herself to feel. It had probably been a huge professional mistake and quite likely even a bigger personal one to kiss him in the first place. She’d only done it because she was desperate to take his mind off the panic.
But she may have opened a door she shouldn’t have. Since it was too late to go back, she decided she would deal with the fallout when the time came. Etta took his arm and headed back the way they’d come. She figured the smartest thing they could do was drive over to meet Grady and Charli. While JJ had overcome his panic attack, she didn’t want to risk another. With luck, the Honky Tonk wouldn’t be so crowded.
They walked in silence, navigating their way through the crowd, which became progressively thinner the nearer they came to the parking lot. Etta had never been one to mind silence, but wondered if the lack of talk was because they were comfortable or the fact that neither of them knew what to say after that kiss.
When they reached her car, she cut a look at him to find him looking back. “I guess it’s kind of an elephant in the room, so to speak, isn’t it?”
“It’s a helluva lot more than that.” He backed her to the hood of the car, then lifted her up and sat her on it. Before she could protest, he wedged between her knees. “And before you say anything about it, can I say thank you?”
“Pardon?”
“I know you did it to get me focused on something besides the monsters in my head and God knows it worked, so thank you.”
Etta was relieved that he recognized her intent, but she wasn’t about to lie to him about what happened. “It was an entirely unprofessional thing for me to do.”
“Then why did you?”
“Well, for one, it beat slugging you in the face.”
JJ chuckled as she continued. “But also, in the spirit of complete honesty, I guess subconsciously I chose to kiss you because I wanted to.”
“Did you? Why? I thought you were involved.”
“Involved? What would make you think that?”
“I’ve seen you coming out of Deacon’s house several times in the morning.”
“Oh, I see.”
“I guess that means you are involved with him, right?”
“I am.”
She saw the disappointment in his expression but didn’t speak again. “So, you and he are—”
“Friends. Best friends. We have been for a long time.”
“Best friends?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, oh. Well, so if you’re not, you know, involved with him that way and you liked what just happened, does that mean you want to again?”
“Kiss you? You already know I do, JJ, I’m just not sure it’s smart. I’m supposed to be your therapist.”
“And you are. You helped me get through that attack without drugs, I didn’t get violent, and I didn’t get sick the way I do sometimes and puke my guts out. So, I’d say it worked.”
Etta knew better even as she reached up to touch his face. “You’re going to get me fired, you know that?”
“I’m not trying to and if you want me to back off, just say so and I swear I won’t ever put a move on you.”
At that moment, Etta wished she wasn’t empathic. She could feel the tint of anxiety that swam in like watercolor, thin but present, to alter his mood and emotions, and not in a positive manner.
The last thing she wanted was to cause him distress, but honor demanded that she admit to herself that it wasn’t just his feelings that made her want to tell him that she didn’t want him to back off. As concerned as she was about what it might to do her standing at Sanctuary, with Grady and Mason, not to mention her and Deacon, and her career in general, she honestly cared for JJ and not simply as a patient.
She’d fallen for him and it wasn’t that she didn’t know how to “unfall,” it was that she didn’t want to. Still, there was that professional side of her nature that had its own needs and that part wanted to see JJ healed. Completely and fully, able to stand on his own without the help of an empathic friend or lover.
That both complicated and simplified things. Etta knew her answer. “That’s the last thing I want.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.” She moved her hand to his chest when he leaned in as if to kiss her. “But, we’ve started on a path here, JJ. One that needs to lead to you being healed and whole. You came to Sanctuary for one reason. To get beyond what happened to you so that you could return to active duty. Do you still want that?”
There was no hesitation in his answer. “Yes.”
“Then that has to be our priority, because once you reach that goal, you’ll be ready to decide if this thing between us is something real and lasting. And honestly, I don’t want to end up with a broken heart, so let me ask you. Can we move forward acknowledging there’s something between us, but not letting it advance physically beyond what it already has?”
“You mean you don’t want to sleep with me.” She could hear the hurt in his voice.
“No. I do. More than you can imagine. But that will shift my focus away from our goal and I need you to reach that. Do you understand? Healing is as much what I am as being a SEAL is to you. And your healing is the most important thing in my entire life. I don’t just want you to be whole again. I need it.”
He was quiet for a long time and she waited, unwilling to say more. She could feel emotions churning inside him. Finally, he took her hands. “I can’t promise that I won’t touch you or kiss you and no matter what, I’ll want you. But I want to be whole again, too. For myself and for you. When we do make love, I want to be me again, not your patient or a man who can’t stand on his own.
“See, I feel you, Etta. In my head. I know you prop me up and help me battle the demons, but I want the day to come when I can not only battle them on my own but also vanquish them, and I believe you can help me get there.
“But stand warned. When that day arrives, I’m coming for you and there’s nothing in this world that will keep me from you except you saying you don’t want me.”
“I’ll not be saying that.”
“Then what will you be saying?”
She gave his hands a squeeze and pulled him in a bit closer. “Here I am.”
“Do you have any idea how much I’d like to put you in that car and act like a horny kid?”
Etta laughed. “No more than I, but we promised to meet Grady and Charli. And, color me superficial, but I’m kind of keen on the idea of showing up at the in place with the hottest guy in town.”
JJ’s smile lit more than a fire in her libido. It stirred embers that had been so long buried under the piles of emotional ash, she didn’t realize they still existed. For the first time in a very long while, Etta felt her heart truly open to the potential of love.
And as thrilling as that was, it terrified her.