CHAPTER EIGHT
Sam stared at the letter and downed a couple more shots. The whiskey warmed his belly but never took the edge off. The writing on the outside of the envelope was his father’s. He knew it the moment Deke set the letter down. He hadn’t seen his father’s handwriting in years but he knew. Sam just wasn’t sure he wanted to read it. He hadn’t spoken to the man since the night Benny died and he wasn’t sure he wanted to ever again.
His father had let him down most of his life and he couldn’t wait to leave home. He’d done just that after his brother was gone. He couldn’t even stay to see him buried and had only come back one time. He cried when he saw Benny’s grave on that one visit. He felt he let him down somehow, as if he were responsible for Benny being where he was. He tried to tell Benny this, the very night he died, but he couldn’t get the words out.
Sam poured and drank another round and as he placed the glass on the table, he reached for the letter. Tearing it open, he read the words his father wrote,
Sam,
I know you have no interest in whatever I have to say and maybe I should have told you this a long time ago but I think you need to hear the truth at long last. I know I never seemed like much of a father to you or Benny and maybe I wasn’t there when I should have been but that’s on me. I have to live with that fact the rest of my miserable life.
I made a mistake when I got hooked up with your mother, a mistake I compounded when I stayed. I never should have gotten mixed up with the crazy woman you called Mom. She wasn’t much of a mother to you or your brother either. The only reason I stayed was because she threatened violence against you if I left. She once told me she brought you into this world and she would take you out if I left her high and dry, but she wouldn’t have been left high or dry. She had other men in her life, Benny’s father being one of them.
I knew I wasn’t his dad as soon as she told me she was pregnant. I hadn’t been with her in years the day she told me she was pregnant but I knew I couldn’t leave. I tried to look after you boys but I wasn’t always there and for that I’m sorry. I was a selfish bastard and found me a real woman with a heart in another town. I know there is no excuse for what I did but there it is. I know I made mistakes and you probably hate me but I always loved you. You are my son and I truly wish we had a second chance to discover each other.
Carla is the daughter I had with Shawnee. Shawnee is the woman I found my happiness with. Your mother was cruel and crazy. She was so high most of the time that she didn’t know her own name. The biker she was sleeping with when Benny was killed had been passing her around to his brothers and she didn’t care. She thought they loved her but they were using her the whole time.
I’m not telling you this to hurt you, I need you to understand what was happening at the time you left. Estelle’s body was found the day after Benny died. The man you shot had a brother and he killed your mother the same night. I buried Benny where you told me to, but I buried your mother as far away from him as I could. I didn’t want her to taint him in death as she had in life.
I know I have no right to ask this of you but I would give anything to see you one more time before I die. If nothing more than to apologize for what I didn’t do, when I should have been a father to you and Benny. But I feel I owe you more than that.
I’m being selfish again, in hoping you and Carla will meet one day and get to be friends. I know I have no right and if we lived in a perfect world, one of you would not exist but the world we live in is not perfect and neither am I.
Shawnee, Carla and Caitlyn are my whole world but there has always been something missing and that something was you. I’ve watched out for you over the years but I never got too close. I know you found your own son a while back but I also know he didn’t stay long. I have a feeling that was my fault. I couldn’t teach you how to be a dad when I didn’t know myself how to be one.
I have a lot of regrets in my life but you are not one of them. From the moment you were born, I loved you and I will love you until the day I die. You may not believe it but I do. A man only has his name and his honor, if he loses his honor his name doesn’t mean much. For a while, I lost my honor but I finally have it back. It was partially because of the good woman I found in Shawnee. I don’t know what your life has become because I tried to respect your wish and stayed away but I pray that you found a good woman and have with her what I found with my Shawnee.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday, for the mistakes I made with you and your brother. I loved that boy as much as you did and the day he died, a big piece of me died with him. When you walked out the door that night, you took another huge piece of me with you. I was so lost for so long without you, I didn’t know how I could go on living but Shawnee and Carla showed me I could. They healed a big part of my soul but there is still another part only you can heal.
I know I don’t have the right but someday, I want to be buried next to Benny. I’ve already told Shawnee this but I wanted you to know as well. You may or may not ever read this letter but I hope you will someday.
I love you son, Dad.
Sam grabbed the letter and held it tightly in his clenched hand. The words were forever burned into his brain, as he tasted the ashes of his childhood in his mouth. Memories he thought long forgotten flashed in his mind. Benny’s face smiling at him, the sound of his brother’s laughter ringing out, Benny calling out his name, even the sounds of the many nights Benny sobbed himself to sleep, tired and scared. Sam’s arms around him holding him in the dark while they both had to listen to the sounds of yelling and screaming from their parents.
These were the memories of his childhood Sam had tried to block out. There wasn’t any good moments between him and his parents’ only harsh words, slaps, sneers and yelling. Sam had secretly hated his mother long before he ever knew he was supposed to love her. He’d cringed when Benny made the mistake of trying to tell her that he needed her. She had shown the boys that she didn’t need or want them near her.
She kept pushing them both away and while Sam finally figured it out, Benny hadn’t yet. He died because Estelle couldn’t be the mother he craved.
Sam poured another drink and slowly sipped it. Now this woman came to him and told him she was his sister and that she knew his father. She knew him and loved him. Sam felt furious. His father had told him in a letter that he had loved this woman. He loved her as he had never loved Sam or Benny. He told Sam he loved his daughter while all Sam could remember of his father was nothing.
Sam got to his feet and walked out of the clubhouse. He got on his bike and roared off. He didn’t know where he was going he just had to get away from his demons. Riding on the open road gave him some peace and the longer the ride, the more he felt at peace. When he finally stopped, he was surprised to find himself at the Haven Cemetery in Quincy, Massachusetts.
Looking down at the headstone buried in the ground he saw the name Benjamin Daniel Tory etched onto the stone marker. Sam got off his bike and sat down next to his brother’s grave. “Ah Benny, how did our lives get so fucked up?” he asked softly.
“I think I can answer that,” a woman’s soft voice spoke from behind him.
Sam twisted around and stared at the older woman. He hadn’t seen her sitting on the bench behind his brother’s grave.
She was older but she stilled looked good. Her hair was mostly grey but he could see dark strands running through it. Her eyes were brown and she gazed at him with warmth.
“Who the fuck are you?” Sam growled.
“I’m Shawnee,” she told him quietly.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sam seethed. “You have no right to be here.”
“I know I don’t have the right. But somebody had to come. Your dad couldn’t make it today, so I came instead.” She motioned to the fresh flowers at the base of the stone.
“Why would you come here?” Sam sneered. “You didn’t even know Benny.”
“I came here because this boy meant a lot to Nick and Nick means a lot to me.” She turned her head and stared at Sam. “Nick should mean something to you too.”
“Nick Tory means nothing to me.” Sam seethed as he turned around to stare at the marker with his brother’s name on it. “He lost that right a lifetime ago.”
The silence between them was filled with tension. Sam didn’t know why he had come here but he was glad he had. It’d been too long since he’d been here last. He couldn’t make up for his absence but he could sit here for a while.
Shawnee got up and left without saying a word.
Sam was happy to see her go. He resented the fact that she’d been here at all. She didn’t belong here. Sam waited for a long time before he began talking to his brother. Then without warning, everything began spilling out. Sam ranted and raved for a while, then his words grew calmer. At first, he’d been angry. All the pent up anger had spilled out, the rage of the way his parents treated them, feeling so helpless as a kid to protect his little brother. At the events of the night Benny died, at what happened after he left. Next came the disbelief of what happened earlier when Carla came to Troy to explain who she was.
Sam held his head in his hands as tears dripped down his face. “I couldn’t fucking believe it, Benny. She came to see me and claimed she was my sister. Said Dad had her with another woman but kept her a secret. God, I wanted to fucking kill him. He couldn’t bear to be in the same room with you and me but he raised her? He lived with them after you died and I left. Ahh Benny, why did you have to leave me all alone like you did?”
For a moment, there was silence then Sam heard footsteps behind him. He turned and asked, “What the fuck are you doing here?” He glared at the one man he never wanted to see again.
Nick Tory gazed at his first-born son for a long time before he answered, “Shawnee told me you were here. I had to come.” He motioned at the headstone and sat down on the bench behind Sam. “I come here often to talk to him. We both take care of his grave.”
“You have no right, no right at all!”
Nick nodded. “Probably in your mind but in my mind, he’s still my son.”
Sam’s grabbed a handful of grass. “But he wasn’t your son, was he?”
Nick shook his head. “Not by blood but by love he was. I loved that boy.”
“Yeah, you had a funny way of showing your so called love.” Sam scorned.
Nick hung his head. Then he raised it and glared at Sam. “I admit, I made my share of mistakes, what man hasn’t? Have you been right in all your decisions? Or has the infamous Sam Tory never made one fucking mistake in his life?”
Sam matched his father’s stare. “I’ve made mistakes but my kids were never one of them. I took care of them all the best I could.”
“Them?” Nick frowned. “I thought you only had the one boy?”
“I have four kids,” Sam admitted. “Deke is my oldest, then I have Quinn and Adriana and finally, I have a baby, Talon.”
Nick’s eyes rounded and soon a smile split his face. “Four kids, huh? That’s great.” Then his eyes went to the headstone again, and his smile faded. “Why did you come here today?” he whispered. “You haven’t come back here in years.”
Sam turned around, so he couldn’t see his father. “I came here because I had a visitor today. She claimed to be your daughter.” Sam scoffed. “I didn’t know you had another kid. You weren’t much of a father to Benny and me but you could be to her, I guess.”
“Son, there are so many things you could never understand—”
“Don’t call me your son!” Sam seethed interrupting his father. “You lost that right the night he died.” He motioned toward the headstone.
Nick pressed his lips together and anger flashed in his eyes. Very carefully, he reached inside his jacket, pulled out a small wooden box and laid it carefully on the bench beside him. “I lost more than Benny the night he died. I know that. I buried him just the way you wanted him buried. I hoped I would be able to talk to you finally, but you won’t let me, so I’ll leave this for you. Benny had some things he wanted you to have.” Then he got up and with a defeated look in his eyes, Nick Tory turned and made his way down the hill.
Sam turned his head away and didn’t watch him go. He waited until he knew the old man was gone before he turned and looked at the box. Getting to his feet, he walked over to the bench and sat down.
With shaking hands, he lifted the box and smiled. He knew this box. It used to hold his own treasures. It was an old box of cigars that old man Weston had thrown away when it was empty. He smoked only the best cigars. Sam could still remember the scent of burnt tobacco.
Benny had seen the cigar box one day and begged Sam to give it to him. He needed something to keep his treasures in. Sam had given up the box without any trouble. He’d only been using it to keep his cash in anyway. But Benny had been ecstatic about having a place to hide his treasures.
Sam opened it and the first thing he saw was a letter with his name on it. The handwriting was childlike and scrawling—it was Benny’s! For a moment—Sam couldn’t breathe. He carefully lifted out the letter and opened the envelope. A single sheet of paper was inside. Sam pulled it out and began reading the words Benny had written over thirty five years ago.
Sammy,
You’ve been the best big brother a boy could ever have. I love you so much. You loved me even when you didn’t have to. I know you’ve always taken care of me, better than mom ever did. I hate her so much sometimes. You may not know this but Nick isn’t my real dad. Mom made sure she told me about it one day. She told me that my real dad was some guy by the name of Brett Matthews but he’d left her when she told him about the baby she was carrying. The baby being me.
She said she hated me ever since then. She thought Brett would take her away with him but she’d been wrong about him. She stayed with Nick only because he would take care of us both. She told me she never loved him and she really didn’t like you, even if she gave birth to you.
I know this makes no sense to you and I don’t understand it all either but I want to tell you about a man called Tobar. He’s the man she’s been running with the last few months. He’s a mean bastard but she doesn’t care about that.
Something else you might not know is that I’ve been sick a lot lately. I try not to worry you. Nick took me to the doctor and he told us I had a blood cancer. I don’t remember the name of it but it’s bad and the pain is getting worse all the time. Nick wanted me to get treatment but Mom told him no. She told him I wasn’t his kid and if she didn’t want me to get treatment, then there was nothing he could do about it.
She told him she had a new man now, and he didn’t want her kids. She told Nick she was leaving him. Nick begged her to leave me behind, so he could take care of me but she told him she wanted me to die. He tried to tell her the cancer would be painful for me, but she just laughed. She didn’t care. Sam, I was in so much pain all the time I could barely stand it and it was only going to get worse. You were gone, with school or working at the garage, I barely saw you anymore, not that I blame you. I wouldn’t stay here either if I was old enough to get out.
Tonight I plan to face Tobar and Mom. I found out Mom is pregnant again, this time with Tobar’s kid. From what I understand, that isn’t going to make him happy. I’ve been watching them and when Nick is gone, Tobar comes here and they drink a lot and he’s mean to her when he gets drunk. He hits her and tells her she’s a slut. Why she puts up with that shit I’ll never know but she does.
I know you won’t agree or allow me to do this but for once, I’m going to prove to her that I am worth something, even if I die trying. Please don’t hate me. I love you so much big brother, but I have to do this. Not so much for her sake but for mine. Nick always told us we needed to stand up for ourselves, well this is my way of doing that. Tobar might kill me but at least I stood up to the bastard.
I just hope you can forgive me someday. I hope you can forgive Nick someday too. I know you hate him and so did I until I got sick. Then I saw a side of him he never showed either of us before. He does love us, unbelievable but true. He told me he planned to take us both away from her soon and keep us safe, so I can get treatment. He’s not a bad sort when you sit down and talk to him.
Please don’t be mad at me for doing this.
Benny
Sam felt the tears rolling down his face and he made no attempt to hide them. He finally understood what was behind his brother’s death that night. He hadn’t known Benny was sick and that made him feel so small. The last year he’d been home, he hadn’t been around much. He was busy in school and every moment he hadn’t been in school he’d been working his ass off, trying to get enough money together to get both him and Benny out of Quincy. He’d wanted to take his brother and get away from their parents. Neither one deserved to have kids. Sam thought Benny would be better off without their mother and father.
At seventeen, Sam believed he could take care of Benny himself, then Benny died and he found out the hard way he could barely take care of himself.
Sam gripped the letter in his hand and something in the box caught his eye. He had to laugh when he realized what the item was…a small tin soldier Benny had played with when he was small. The paint on the toy was faded with time but even so, it brought back memories Sam thought were long gone. He lifted the soldier out of the box and searched the remaining items in there. He found Benny’s birth certificate and a couple hundred dollars. He frowned when he saw the money but he shrugged. It didn’t matter where the money came from.
Then Sam found something in the bottom of the box that took his breath away. It was a picture of him and Benny. They were still kids but Sam remembered the day the picture was taken. He’d been sixteen and that was the day he’d gotten his driver’s license. The two boys were standing in front of the heap he was able to buy with his earnings. It wasn’t much of a car but it was all he could afford. The two boys had spent hours trying to get it to the point it would run, then one day it ran, and he took Benny for a ride. Benny laughed and smiled that day until his face hurt, at least that’s what he told Sam.
It hadn’t mattered that the car broke down two miles from home and the boys had had to walk back the whole way. All that mattered was the fact they had been together. Sam grinned as he remembered it. Then his eyes caught sight of the letter again, and the grin faded from his face.
Carefully, he replaced the items into the box. He pulled the letter Carla left for him on top and before he closed it, he took note of the return address. He got up and carried the box over to his bike then carefully placed it into his saddlebag.
Throwing his leg over his bike, he stared the engine. He had questions about what really happened the night his brother died and there was one man who had the answers he was looking for. He would see his father one more time and this time…he wouldn’t leave until he had his answers.