Chapter Fifteen
Melissa
He’s so tiny and helpless my heart shatters every time I see him. Calvin is four weeks old, and while he’s made amazing leaps forward, he won’t be out of the hospital anytime soon. He has to weigh four pounds at the least and have no trouble breathing on his own to be able to go home.
In the last week, they’ve been able to remove the ventilator in lieu of a machine that puffs oxygen into his nose, and so far he’s doing well with it. They’ve also started giving him my breast milk through the tummy tube and he’s gaining weight steadily.
I’m so grateful he isn’t struggling like a lot of other preemies do. Another little girl born at twenty-six weeks is in the NICU and her alarms and monitors always seem to be screaming. She’s been through multiple surgeries and her poor parents are exhausted and devastated.
I’ve been so lucky to have the support system I do, especially since I expected to be handling my pregnancy and raising my baby alone. Now, I’m surrounded by wonderful people who care for him almost as much as I do.
Zoe and Leah have been a godsend. We’ve spent most of the last month together, so we’ve gotten to know each other quickly, but it wasn’t hard to see how amazing and compassionate these girls are. I’d be thrilled to think of them as family.
Jeremy has been busy with work, which makes me a bit nervous now that I know what he does, but talking to the girls has helped. If they live normal lives with their hacker husbands, I don’t see why I can’t too.
Leah sits beside me as the NICU nurse approaches and asks, “Would you like to hold him?”
Has a stupider question ever been asked? I’ve never held my son. It’s all I’ve thought and dreamed about since he was born.
“He’s ready?” My voice wavers.
“Yes, I’ll stay nearby and monitor. We want to try him on a bottle for a bit as well since he’s handling the breast milk well.”
The nurse picks Calvin up, carefully arranging the tubes and wires attached to him, and places him in my arms. He’s so light, a little over three pounds, and I’m terrified of hurting him, but he only snuffles a bit and opens his eyes.
They’re a brilliant blue that makes Leah gasp. “Oh my goodness.”
The nurse smiles down at us. “They’ll probably darken as he gets older.”
“Mine did,” I murmur, running a finger over the short, fine hair on his head. “My sweet boy,” I coo at him. His eyes don’t look for the sound, but his head turns as he searches for it.
“He recognizes your voice,” Leah says softly. Tears spill over, running down her cheeks and she wipes at them. “That’s so beautiful.”
After I cuddle him for a few minutes, the nurse hands me a bottle and cautions me that he may not be interested in it yet. “It may have to be offered many times before he takes it.”
His little mouth opens and closes like a fish, and he latches onto the nipple with no problem. I’ve had trouble with my milk, and now it’s pretty much dried up, but I have some saved up that should last him a couple of months. Once it’s gone, we’ll have to switch to formula. The doctors have assured me that even a few months helps give him the immunity and vitamins that will help him grow.
He doesn’t drink much. His eyes fall closed, and I jump at the sound of his oxygen alarm. The nurse calmly reaches over and removes the bottle, then jostles him a little.
“That’s typical and the main thing we need to watch for now. Preemies have trouble regulating their swallowing and breathing. Whenever that happens, just give him a little rest and try again.”
He ends up eating less than an ounce, but the nurse assures me the first try went really well. “He’ll get better and better at it. Before you know it, he’ll be screaming bloody murder when he’s hungry and you’ll be racing to plug it up with a bottle.”
Leah and I laugh. “I look forward to that day.”
It kills me to leave him a few hours later, as it always does, but I know he’s in good hands. I can’t wait to tell Jeremy that I got to hold Calvin, but I won’t see him until late tonight. Zoe and Leah decide I need a night out now that I’ve recovered. Since I’m not pumping milk anymore, I can actually have a drink.
“Caffeine,” I moan, gulping down a latte, and they laugh at me.
“I think we can do better than that,” Zoe remarks, grinning at Leah.
“Margaritas?” Leah suggests.
“You read my mind.”
#
The bar and grill we end up at must be popular because it’s crowded for a weeknight. “Justus is going to be so pissed when he finds out he missed out on margaritas,” Zoe says with a giggle. She turns to me. “He loves the girly drinks, and the guys always give him shit about it.”
“I know. That’s kind of how I met Jeremy the first time,” I laugh, sipping my drink. Either they make them strong here, or my tolerance is way down after months of abstaining because I feel the warm glow spread through me, and this is only my second drink.
“Oh, we need to hear this story,” Leah exclaims.
We laugh and talk about my early experiences with the In Safe Hands guys, especially Jeremy. When I get to the part where he threw the money at me, Leah’s eyes widen. “He did not.”
“He did. Our next encounter wasn’t much better, but the asshole grew on me.”
Zoe calls the waitress over to order some snacks. When she leaves, Leah says, “He was pretty messed up. You know about Frannie, don’t you?”
I didn’t know her name until now, but I nod. “Justus told me Jeremy’s last girlfriend died. I don’t know the story, but I know he was grieving. I’ve lost people, and I couldn’t hold any of that early stuff against him. Did you two know her well?”
Zoe guzzles the rest of her drink. “She was my best friend.”
Oh no. I reach across the table and squeeze her hand. “I’m so sorry. Does it…bother you that I’m with him?”
A soft smile inches across her face. “No. Frannie would want Jeremy to be happy. And she’d be thrilled he settled down and has a family. He was a bit wild. They both were. They never could get their shit together, but I always hoped.” Her eyes glass over, and she stares into the distance for a moment. “She’d be happy for you both,” she adds.
Maybe I shouldn’t be fishing for information from his friends, but he’s told me so little. “Was it cancer or something? That took her?”
Zoe’s jaw tightens. “No, not cancer.”
Leah waits for our waitress to set our platter of chicken strips and cheese sticks on the table and leave before she continues, “She was murdered. Shot.”
“Oh my god. No wonder he was so devastated.” I lay my hand over Zoe’s arm, and she gives me a little smile. “I’m so sorry. I hope the guy is in jail.”
“He’s dead,” Zoe says, satisfaction clear in her voice.
“Good.”
“Do you remember last year when a mall got shot up in Indianapolis? It made national news so you probably saw it. Twenty-two people died. We were all there, inside. Frannie was the only one who got hit. She survived until we got out and to the hospital, but she’d lost too much blood to be saved.”
A numbing sensation starts at the top of my head and works its way down to my feet. My hands tremble, knocking my glass against the platter.
Dillon.
Dillon was one of those shooters.
The biological father of my baby killed Jeremy’s girlfriend.
He’s going to hate me. These women, who have done so much for me and Calvin, will despise me too. All the hope of being a part of this family was just destroyed. What man would want to raise the offspring of his girlfriend’s murderer?
“Melissa? Are you okay?” Leah asks.
“Shit, she looks pale,” Zoe says, shoving a glass of water my direction.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up while you already have so much on your mind,” Leah says.
Finding my voice, I take a deep breath and try to regain control. “It’s okay. I’m all right. I just haven’t had alcohol in a while. Guess I’m a lightweight now.” I force a smile and sip on the water.
Zoe shoves the platter toward me. “Eat something and you’ll feel better.”
They change the subject, and we spend the next hour laughing and chatting about our favorite music and TV shows. They tell me all about Sadie, Justus’s wife, and Ayda, Dare’s wife. “They have a little boy too. Calvin will have someone to play with when they get older,” Zoe says with a smile.
It’s so hard to grin back and agree. Once Jeremy finds out who I am and who Calvin belongs to, all this will crumble into nothing.
The dread in my stomach kills my appetite, and I only manage to nibble on the finger food, so Zoe insists we stop to grab some pizza for later. “You’ve got to eat and keep your strength up for Calvin,” she insists, and I can’t argue with that.
We tell our cab driver to stop at the nearest pizza place, and he pulls into the lot of a tiny pizzeria. “Uh, I’m not a fan of e-coli,” Zoe says.
“I eat here all the time,” the cab driver assures her. “It’s a hole in the wall, but they have the best pizza in town.” He grins at Zoe. “And it’s clean.”
“Come on Zo, live a little,” Leah laughs, climbing out of the car.
It’s not as small on the inside as it looks on the outside. The main dining room has the service counter at one end, and there’s an adjacent dining room through an arched doorway. We place our order, and Zoe and Leah head to the restroom. For once, I’m not the one who has to pee. It’s nice not to have that side effect of pregnancy anymore.
I wander around looking at the random memorabilia posted on the walls, until a familiar voice stops me in my tracks. “I feel the same way. Any attention we can draw is worth it,” Jeremy says, rounding the corner.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to call his name, but the sound dies in my throat, and I have to blink to convince myself I’m really seeing the man who walks beside him.
Anthony. Dillon’s brother, who “claimed me” after Dillon died in the mall shooting. The man who haunts my nightmares. The man I can never run far or fast enough from. What the hell is Jeremy doing with him?
Jeremy sees me and just barely manages to reign in his surprise and shutter his face. “Excuse me, Ma’am,” he says, and slides between me and a table, since I’m frozen in place, blocking the way.
Anthony doesn’t notice anything but me, and his lip curls up. “Hi there, Lissa. You’re looking well.”
Fear rages through me, and I take a step back. “Stay away from me.”
“No need to be rude.” His smile is greasy and malicious. “Kelly says hi. She’s been a great comfort to me in your absence.”
Jeremy is staring at me, wide eyed, trying to judge the situation. Anthony continues past me with a vicious whisper. “No one leaves, Lissa.”
With that, he walks out the door. Jeremy glances back with a worried expression before following him.
The pieces fall into place. Jeremy’s work, the work I’m not privy to. He’s trying to bring down the men who killed the girl he loved. That’s why he went from hating me to helping me. He knows. I don’t know how, but he knows who I am. Probably some hacker bullshit I’d never understand. It doesn’t matter.
He’s not here for me. He’s here for them. In the end, I’ll be right where I expected to be in the beginning. Raising my son alone.
God, Zoe and Leah must know too. Are they here just to keep me out of the way while In Safe Hands brings down True Life? And what exactly are they planning to do? He told me they’ve killed in the past. Are they planning to wipe them all out?
My sister is still there.
I don’t know what to do or who to trust.
Zoe and Leah return. We pay for our pizza, and head home. They leave me when I convince them that I just want to go to bed, and head next door to be with their guys. I know Jeremy is coming tonight, and I have no idea what to do.
If I push all the personal stuff between Jeremy and me aside, and I’m right in my conclusions, then we probably share a desire to shut down True Life. If that’s his plan, I have no intention of interfering, as long as he isn’t going to hurt the members.
Part of me is sure I was just being used, since this is just too big to be a coincidence, but now that I’m lying on the couch in the quiet dark, where I can organize my thoughts, that doesn’t make much sense. He’s never asked me anything about my past, never pressed for any kind of information.
Oh god. What if I’m way off and he’s working for True Life? What if all the In Safe Hands stuff is bullshit and he’s just monitoring me and the baby for Anthony. Anthony is Calvin’s uncle, after all. I’m sure he’d love to get his hands on him.
Maybe Frannie isn’t even real and it’s just a cover story they were meant to tell if I asked too many questions.
A quick Google search puts that theory to rest. A woman named Frannie died in the shooting. A little deeper of a search even shows me pictures of her with Zoe on a social network. They were her friends.
I’m relieved to find he’s not here to bring me back to True Life, but it doesn’t mean everything isn’t going to change.
The front door clicks when Jeremy opens it. That’s it. Everything comes out tonight. No more secrets. On either side.
#
Jeremy takes a seat on the couch, anxiety clearly written on his face. He sighs when I move to the chair across from him. I’m not trying to be petty. I just need a bit of distance and to see his eyes when he answers my questions, especially when he finds out who Calvin’s birth father is, if he doesn’t already know.
Before he can say anything, I begin, “We obviously both have shit we need to tell each other. I owe you the truth, and I’m asking for the same, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Did you know I was an ex True Life follower? Is that why you formed a relationship with me?” I ask, getting the worst out of the way first.
He leans forward, looking me in the eye. “No. I didn’t know until I saw the tattoo on your ass at the hospital. I’m not going to lie. I researched you when I thought you were carrying my baby. I knew you were off the grid for years, that your only surviving family is a sister, and that you were a successful artist. That was it.” He sits back. “Why didn’t you tell me what you’d been through?”
My laugh is soaked in self-deprecation. “Joining a cult doesn’t exactly make me look bright, does it? I was already the single, knocked up woman living alone. I didn’t want to look stupid as well as pathetic.”
He sighs and rubs his cheek, the raspy sound of his palm on whiskers filling the room. “You aren’t either of those things. It’s not your fault, Mel. I would never judge—”
“You don’t know that,” I interrupt. “It was absolutely my fault. I chose to join them, and I stayed once I saw the type of people they were. Because I thought he loved me, and because my sister was happy there too. We had no one else and we didn’t want to be alone in the world.” My chest rises on a deep breath while I try to keep my emotions under control. “It was a choice. A stupid, naïve choice.”
“Made when you were what, nineteen?”
“Eighteen. Kelly was twenty. She was the one with doubts at first, but once we moved in, she was happy. Things were different in the beginning. The place was more like an old hippie commune. All these people living and working together to make the earth a better place. Eventually, the guys wanted more and more power, started calling themselves The First Men, insisted they handle all of our financials and that we destroy any links to the outside world.” I shake my head. “It was just a way to get us to dispose of any identification. Without that and our money, we were trapped.”
He blinks, and his head jerks back a tiny bit at the sound of my sister’s name, so I’m not surprised at his next question. “Your sister is named Kelly, and she’s still a member?”
“You’ve met her?”
His head bobs with reluctance. “Yeah, she’s still there.”
“I know. I saw her not too long ago and tried to get her to come and live with me, but she’s brainwashed. She believes everything they say. What were you doing with Anthony, Jeremy?”
His chest raises and falls on a deep sigh. “I told you what I do for a living.”
“Yes, but they aren’t child predators.”
“They killed my ex-girlfriend. I moved here to destroy them.”
It’s clear he thought he was dropping a bomb on me and his brow furrows when I don’t react. “I knew about your ex, but not about how she died until tonight. I didn’t realize who she was or that.” My voice cracks, and I pause. This is so fucking hard to say. “Or that the father of my son was one of the men who killed her.”