I sit down and watch Simone bustling around my kitchen dragging out some coffee mugs and setting the percolator.
She is like a well-oiled machine in a crisis as I should know, since there is normally one going on in my life most days. Not like this, though, this is something else entirely.
Pushing a steaming mug of coffee towards me she grabs the squirty cream and finishes it off with a flourish.
‘Lots of cream today I think, just what the doctor ordered.’
I look at her gratefully and then almost spit it out as I take a sip and burn my tongue in the process. I can feel the cream all around my face and know that my face must be redder than an overripe tomato.
Simone looks at me guiltily.
‘Oops sorry Sophie, maybe you should have let it cool down a bit first.’
She grabs me a glass of water and I use it to put out the fire in my mouth.
Simone looks at me with a grim expression.
‘Now tell me everything. We need to work out how to play this.’
I shrug. ‘There's not much to tell. He woke me up this morning and told me that he has met someone else and wants a divorce. Just that, no warning, no nothing. It came completely out of the blue and I never saw it coming.’
Simone's eyes narrow. ‘Another woman you say. Do we know who she is?’
I shake my head. ‘No -WE- do not. The only thing I can think of is that she works with him, I mean he doesn't go anywhere but work, oh and the golf course.’
Simone looks thoughtful.
‘Typical mid-life crisis if you ask me. Debbie Dooley had the same thing. As soon as her husband turned forty, he grew his hair long and took up the guitar. She had to stop him from ditching his job in favour of life on the road.’
I nod remembering the story. Gosh, the playground mafia dined out on that one for a whole half a term and he didn't leave Debbie. I am going to be news for a whole term if not the rest of the school year.
We sit for a moment in silence contemplating what has happened. Mr Tumnus starts chasing a yoghurt pot around the room which brings us both back from our thoughts. Simone suddenly looks at me with a very determined expression.
‘I think I saw a film like this once. There was this other woman, and the wife stalked her. She found out that her husband was not only seeing her but someone else as well. The three of them got together and paid him back. That is what we must do, seek out this trollop and spy on her until we have something against her or him, and then sister we are bringing them down.’
Despite myself, I grin.
‘This isn't a film Simone. I'm sure it's just as he said, he has met someone else and he doesn't want me anymore.’
As I say the words, a huge sob finds its way out of me and I look at my friend in shock. I have actually forgotten to cry about this. For some reason, the emotional part hasn't reached me yet, perhaps it will this afternoon and I will lie on the settee crying into a tub of ice cream like they do on the television. Simone reaches out and grasps my hand.
‘Ok what about this then? You find a super-hot hunk of a guy that is the leader of the mafia. You agree to be his sex prisoner for six months - longer if you prefer, in return for him taking a contract out on Lysander. It's a win-win situation.’
I laugh almost hysterically.
‘You've been reading too many New Adult novels again. As if those guys exist in the real world.’
Simone grins. ‘They do in my head darling, and they come to life in my dreams.’
I brave a sip of the coffee and look at her sadly.
‘How did it come to this? Poor Harry, he will have to face life between two homes and have another woman wanting him to call her mummy. How can I bear it? I will have to share him, and I will become one of those women that must put on a brave face when I see them, and not talk about them badly in front of him, even though I will want to at every given opportunity. I don't want to share my son, and I don't want to share my husband. Why should I?’
Before she can answer the phone rings. We freeze and stare at each other and I whisper, ‘What if that's him, what do I say?’
Simone looks at me angrily.
‘Listen to what he has to say and then answer just yes or no. Don't show any emotion because then he has won.’
I nod and grab the phone and try to say in a strong voice, ‘Hello.’
My heart lurches as I hear my husband's voice coming through quiet and hesitant.
‘Are you ok Sophie? I gave you quite a shock earlier, have you had time to think about it?’
Simone looks at me her eyes wide and I just say loudly,
‘Yes.’
There is a short silence and then he says,
‘Good, then it will be best for all involved if we deal with this quickly and amicably. I will come home later and get some of my things. If you have any questions we can discuss them, then but it may be best to keep emotion out of it, for the time being, I mean we don't want to unsettle Harry, do we?’
I can feel the rage boiling within me as he speaks. I picture him in front of me, and the scene from Kill Bill when she gouges his heart out comes to mind. As the red mist descends all I can do is say,
‘No.’
I hear his sigh of relief and he says in a perkier voice.
‘Good, I will see you at 7 pm. No need to make me any dinner I will have eaten already. Until later then.’
All I can say is, ‘Yes.’
He hangs up leaving me standing here holding the phone in shock. Simone gently takes the phone from my hand and leads me to the settee.
‘There now, that's the first hurdle over with. What did he say?’ I tell her and watch as her eyes widen in shock and disbelief. ‘Ok change of plan. He is going down and you are not going to make this easy on him. Where are your bin bags?’
I look at her in confusion and she grins wickedly.
‘Come on we're going to pack for him and when he comes, he will find his bags out by the bins where he belongs. You will tell him firmly that he is to discuss everything with you via email from now on, and the only person he can speak to is Harry. If he wants out, then he's out- end of. You are not going to be a pushover, and after we have packed his miserable life up into those bags, then we are getting you the sharpest divorce lawyer that we can find. You know, I think I know just the one.’
She laughs at my dazed expression.
‘You know that footballer's wife that lives in Oxshott? Well, she got the lot due to his playing more than a game of football. She's not cheap, but the rewards more than compensate for it.’
I look at her and shake my head.
‘Does she do legal aid because the only money I have is in our joint account?’
Simone screws up her face in thought.
‘Probably not but leave it with me. My sister went to school with her; maybe she will do it as a favour to her.’
I don't have time to argue before I find myself stuffing Lysander's clothes and worldly goods into a roll of bin bags.
It doesn't take us long and Simone turns to me her eyes shining.
‘There let's see how he likes a surprise for once. Now I will have Harry over for a sleep-over tonight to keep him out of the way. You can confront lover boy and pretend you're Uma Thurman. Make yourself look super-hot and in charge so that he knows that you're not going to be messed around. Don't let him in, and certainly don't let him take control. You must gain the upper hand in this and be strong. He will regret the day that he let his dick off the leash.’