Berger

 

I was sitting on the couch watching the news but I couldn’t concentrate. There was a feeling in my stomach that was making me uneasy. Like I’d forgotten some place I needed to be.

The talking head on the screen was saying something about the Dow Jones but it meant nothing to me. I sipped my coffee and lit a cigarette, hoping my two favorite substances in the world would make me feel normal again.

They did nothing. The gnawing feeling only grew stronger and I got up to look out the window. Down in the parking lot, Miranda was climbing out her car with bags of shopping in her arms. I wanted to go down and help her but I also wanted to be alone for a few more moments.

I wanted to hold her, kiss her and feel the softness of her body, but I also wanted her to go away. Just for now anyway. Just until my head was straight.

She blustered through the front door, looking annoyed that I wasn’t helping her.

“Well don’t just stand there. Grab a bag.”

“I thought you were a feminist,” I said. “I didn’t want to offend you.”

She looked at me deadpan, as though she was imagining strangling me.

“You can be a feminist and still have too many bags to carry, Franklin.”

“Oh, it’s Franklin now. You must be really mad at me.”

She dropped the bags in the kitchen and huffed, slamming cupboard doors open and shut as she unpacked the shopping.

“What did I tell you about smoking in here?” she said without turning to face me.

“The kids aren’t home yet. Thought it would be okay.”

She slammed another door closed and reached for a bottle of air freshener before spraying it around me as though she was trying to exorcise a demon.

“Don’t, please,” she said. “You know I hate it when the place smells like smoke.”

“I’m going for a walk.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“See you later,” I said and kissed her before she could start an argument.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back soon.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

I answered her by closing the door and taking a breath of relief once I reached the silence of the hallway. She didn’t annoy me, per say, she just… made me need my own space.

Maybe it had something to do with her being so sensible, so respectable with a home that was immaculate and children that were dressed like brats from GAP commercials.  She overwhelmed me, made me want to retreat into my head where everything was dark and morbid. It was a place that I knew too well, a place that made me feel safe. 

Outside, I shivered as the Atlantic blew through the tunnels between the high rise apartment blocks. Up here was a far cry from the almost Martian landscape of San Lucrezia. At least I was still reminded of my time down there by the strip of sunburn that was still lingering on the top of my nose.

I touched a hand to it now and felt its roughness. As I climbed into my car, tossing my cigarette butt into a nearby frozen puddle, I thought that maybe there was a way I could drive out of here and simply keep going. Just keep driving until I arrived at the border and then I’d drive some more and see the desert, see the way the sunlight changed as it grew closer to the Earth.

Stepping on the gas, I thought about leaving Miranda behind. She was perfect. Too perfect. I’d only fuck her up eventually. Better to leave her now before I could properly hurt her.

I found myself swerving out onto the highway driving at a reckless speed intent on getting to a place that only existed in my head. The uneasiness in my stomach began to dissipate as I drove faster, as though my body knew what I was doing before my head did.

“Fuck it,” I said.

Driving to my own apartment, I stepped into the living room and looked at all my things scattered around and thought that it was all meaningless. I didn’t need any of it. Grabbing a bag, I thrust some underwear and clothes into it along with a half-empty bottle of shower gel and took off. As I reached the front door, I stopped and looked back.

I took my keychain out my pocket, carefully removed my apartment key from the ones attached to my car’s and dropped it on the coffee table.

“Fuck this place.”

I strode out to my car with a new sense of purpose. After everything, there was no way of ever returning to normality. No, I needed to join my fellow friend of perversion. Bosworth had twisted my brain up but he was the only person who knew what it was like to live inside my head.

He’d know how to get rid of the uneasiness inside me, he’d no how to straighten out my mind.