Killian

 

I tried to distract myself, but with no television, no one to call, and one book about dog breeds on the shelf, Heather still filled my mind. Out of desperation, I picked up the dog book left behind by a previous tenant. They’d circled pictures of dog breeds they were apparently interested in, and a few of the breeds—included Yorkshire Terriers, naturally—earned an extra special star scribbled in pen in the margin.

 

I flipped through the pages, making a note of all the hypoallergenic dogs and then tried to list them all back by memory. After the fourth attempt and another bitter failure, I slammed the book closed and threw my head back, a cloud of dust rising up from the couch. I wanted to talk to Heather.

 

I’d never wanted to see a particular woman before. The feeling was new to me. Typically, I wanted to have sex, and then I would call around until a woman was free. Any woman would do. Now, though, I just wanted Heather. I wanted her long red hair, her shapely legs, her pouty mouth. Even more shocking, I wanted her company.

 

She was nice to be around. I felt at ease with her, a feeling I rarely felt when in the company of women. Perhaps it was because all of our time together so far had been for purposes other than sex. Ordinarily, when talking with a woman, the talking was just a prelude to sex. I was trying to woo them, lure them in with my charm and my wit.

 

With Heather, though, there had been too many other things to worry about. Sex hadn’t entered my mind until much later, and by then she’d already seen the real me. The me who let his guard down and let his real feelings show, the me who was vulnerable and emotional. Suddenly, I felt naked.

 

When my phone rang, I reached for it and then dropped it on the floor. Mostly out of shock. Heather was calling. She had never called me before. I felt exposed, as if someone had walked in on me dancing naked in my bedroom. As if she’d somehow overheard my crude thoughts about her and was calling to tell me what a sick creep I was. Of course, I realized that was insane, but I felt ashamed nonetheless. Then, I realized she might be in trouble. I’d told her to call me if she ever needed something. Perhaps she needed something.

 

I lunged for the phone, which had slid under the coffee table.

 

“Heather?”

 

She laughed. “Hi.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Sorry. Is this phone for emergencies only? I wasn’t sure.”

 

I relaxed, glad to know she was safe. “No, no. It’s for…whatever. So, what’s up? Is anything wrong?”

 

She laughed again. “Okay, clearly this phone was for problems only. I shouldn’t have called.”

 

“No, it’s just… I’m just trying to figure out why you called. It doesn’t matter why. You can call me anytime.”

 

“Okay. Well, I guess there isn’t a reason.” She paused. “Is that okay?”

 

I nodded, and then remembered we were on the phone and she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, that’s great… err… fine. No reason is a reason. What are you up to?”

 

“I’m just looking at the sonogram picture the doctor gave me. The baby is so tiny.”

 

“Hearing the heartbeat was pretty amazing,” I said.

 

“I know, right? I didn’t realize it until she started the ultrasound, but I was actually really afraid that it wasn’t true. That somehow all of the tests had been wrong, and she would look in there and not see anything and send me home.”

 

“You’re really excited about this baby, then?” I asked.

 

Silence.

 

“I-I mean.” I stuttered. “I just mean that you really want it. Dang. That didn’t come out right, either.”

 

She laughed. “I know what you mean. And yeah, I am. I wasn’t at first; I was terrified. The day I found out, I thought I could’ve died. But I’m excited now. This baby will be mine. It will be all mine, and I’ll get to raise it and… I don’t know. This probably sounds stupid.”

 

“No,” I said, my voice almost a whisper. “That doesn’t sound stupid at all. Growing up the way we grew up can make you want to take more control of your life, make your own decisions.”

 

“Exactly,” she said. “Have you ever done it?”

 

“What?”

 

“Taken control of your life? Made your own decision?”

 

Suddenly the conversation felt too personal, but for some crazy reason, I wanted to answer her. I wanted her to know me more. To understand me. Whatever of me there was to understand anyway.

 

“I’m not sure. In a lot of ways, I think my decision was always to avoid making a decision. I just did whatever was in front of me at the time without too many questions.”

 

“Now, are you talking about tasks or women? Because from what I’ve seen, it could be either.”

 

“Oh, geez,” I said, awkward laughter bubbling out of me. “You’ve seen my dates, I take it?”

 

“You call them dates?” she asked, laughing. “I didn’t know going back to your place constituted a date. I thought those were hookups.”

 

“Hey now. Don’t downplay the romantic nature of a quality hookup.”

 

She laughed so hard she snorted. “Okay, so hookups aside, how many women have you taken on an actual date?”

 

“Oh, man.”

 

I quieted, trying to remember the last real date I’d been on. Most of the women I took home I met at a bar or a club. We didn’t arrive together, but we left together. For some reason, I didn’t think Heather would count those as dates.

 

“Is it bad that I can’t remember?”

 

“Yes!” she shouted. “That’s horrible! Not just for the women, but for you, too. You deserve someone…”

 

“Someone?” I prodded, hoping more than anything she’d finish that sentence.

 

“Well, I’m not sure. But you deserve someone. A companion. A partner.”

 

“What about you?” I asked, shifting the focus to her. “Why don’t you have a someone?”

 

“My dad,” she said flatly. “I’m never going to meet someone while I’m living in the compound, and I don’t think there is a reality where my dad would let me leave.”

 

“You’re an adult,” I reminded her. “Make a decision, take control of your life.”

 

She went quiet for a long time, and I began to worry I’d offended her, when suddenly, she said, “What are you doing right now?”

 

“Umm… talking to you?”

 

“But you’re at home?” she asked, her voice growing excited.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay. I’m coming over.”

 

I sat up, my eyes wide. “What?”

 

“Yeah. I have an emergency set of keys to the car, my dad and brother are out on enforcer duty, and you just told me I should take control of my life.”

 

“Okay,” I said, my legs bouncing with nervous energy. “But I meant in the grand scheme of your life. Not right now.”

 

“Well, I have to start somewhere. What’s your address?”

 

When we hung up the phone, I glanced around the room. The apartment was shabby at best, definitely not nice enough for Heather to see, but I didn’t have any time to do anything about it. I went around and dimmed the lights, hoping that at the very least she wouldn’t be able to see the dingy space very well. Luckily, I still hadn’t bought anything for the place, aside from a few groceries, so there wasn’t any clutter to be seen.

 

I then moved to the bedroom. I threw my dirty clothes in the hamper and made the bed, smoothing it out and arranging the pillows, knowing it was a fruitless exercise. She probably wouldn’t even come in the bedroom.

 

Then, I lectured myself. She shouldn’t come in the bedroom. Still, though, even with my own advice running through my head, I found myself tucking in the corners of the comforter, hoping she’d see it.

 

I’d only just finished spraying air freshener and then fanning it away with my hands, so she wouldn’t know I’d been spraying air freshener, when I heard three soft knocks. I threw the can of Gentle Sea Breeze under the sink and ran to the door, smoothing out my shirt with my palms as I went.

 

“Hi,” she said, raising one flat hand into the air and then lowering it.

 

I stood aside to let her in, and couldn’t help but watch her hips as she walked past me. She had on low-rise black jeans and a small red T-shirt that revealed one strip of pale, smooth skin around her waist. She’d only walked in the door, and already I felt my jeans growing tight.

 

“Welcome to mi casa,” I said, closing and bolting the door.

 

“It’s nice,” she said, running her finger across the carving on the coffee table.

 

“Yeah, it’s a real palace. All of the furniture was here when I moved in, and the Super said they spray for bugs once per month. What more could a man ask for?”

 

She laughed, and I instantly felt more at ease. “At least you have your own place.”

 

“It has its perks,” I said, gesturing to the couch.

 

She dropped into the cushion, the springs squealing loudly.

 

“I’d give anything for my own place.”

 

“Anything?” I asked, incredibly dirty thoughts running through my mind.

 

She smiled, and I thought I noticed a slight blush creep into her cheeks. “Well, maybe not anything. But a lot. I’d give a lot to have my own place.”

 

“Well, I know this wouldn’t be your place, but you are more than welcome here anytime.”

 

I couldn’t help but imagine a reality in which my place would be Heather’s place. Where we’d have the same place. We’d share a place. My brain kept rolling the thought around, trying to make sense of it. I’d never imagined living with someone before, sharing my life with them. It was obviously way too soon to do that with Heather, but still, I thought about it.

 

“You say that now,” she said. “But wait until I’m thirty-six weeks pregnant and waddling around your apartment. Or when I actually have the baby. Do you really want a screaming infant in your hookup lair?”

 

“My hookup lair? You make me sound like a vampire. Like I’m some kind of predator out stalking women all night and hypnotizing them to come back to my apartment with me.”

 

She laughed. “Well, people talk. Lots of rumors have gone around about you.”

 

“Oh yeah?” I asked, sliding imperceptibly closer to her, my arm resting along the back of the couch. “Do you believe any of them?”

 

She looked at me and squinted her eyes as if she were looking at an optical illusion, trying to figure out what was real and what was the trick. She shrugged. “Hard to say.”

 

“I don’t think I’m getting a very fair deal here,” I said, rotating towards her, one of my legs resting between us on the cushion. “I’m not the only one in the room whose had random hookups.”

 

“Fair point,” she said, pointing to her stomach.

 

Suddenly the air seemed thick. Her smile faded until it was paper thin, barely holding itself up.

 

“So, you and Niall weren’t…?”

 

She shook her head. “No. It was a fling. He seemed nice, but if I’m being honest, I barely knew him.” She paused. “I feel bad about it all now. I wish I’d known him better.”

 

“You would have liked him,” I said.

 

“I think so, too,” she said. “Not many guys would have responded to a surprise pregnancy the way he did. He asked me what I wanted, and promised to take care of us. He was one of the good ones.”

 

“Yeah, he really was.”

 

She leaned forward, placed her hand on my leg. “I think you’re one of the good ones, too.”

 

“You think? You don’t have much to go off of.”

 

“True,” she said, pouting her lips and nodding. “But I know that you were an exceptional brother, and you still are. You’re doing everything you can to keep your promise to Niall. And you’ve gone above and beyond to help me out when you didn’t have to. So far, you seem pretty selfless.”

 

I scooted forward, this time making my intentions obvious.

 

“My motives weren’t all selfless,” I said, leaning towards her, placing my hand on her arm.

 

“They weren’t?” she asked, her eyebrows pulled together in the center while she bit her lower lip. She was wide-eyed and unbelievably sexy.

 

Heat rolled through my midsection and down my legs. “Definitely not.”

 

She leaned forward until her shirt draped open, exposing two perfectly round, pale breasts. My mouth fell open, and she reached forward, swiping her finger across my lower lip. “Then what were your motives?”

 

###

 

Heather

 

In a moment, Killian was kissing me. His lips were soft and gentle, but persistent. He nibbled on my lower lip, his teeth pulling on the skin and then sucking it into his mouth. It made my joints feel unhinged.

 

I’d imagined this moment a few times. It was hard not to. Killian was sexy. Though I’d convinced myself it would never happen, that it couldn’t happen, here I was. It was hard to think of anything when his tongue was inside of my mouth, the taste of him so close and strong, but I wondered how far this should go.

 

As the thought crossed my mind, Killian leaned away from me. Instantly I felt the loss of him, like an essential organ had been taken from my body. My lips missed the feel of him, my hands missed the hard edges of his body. He smiled down at me, his blue eyes sparkling, and grabbed the hem of my shirt. I arched my back and lifted my arms, giving him access.

 

He pulled the shirt off as though he were savoring every inch, lifting it slowly over my body, taking extra time as the shirt revealed my bra. I should have worn a sexier one instead of the plain black, but there was no time to think of that now. Once the shirt was off, he threw it across the room where it landed in a puddle next to the bedroom door.

 

His eyes looked dark and glassy as he inclined forward and his lips found my collarbone. He trailed fire across the bones and down between my breasts. My head fell back onto the armrest, and I closed my eyes, giving myself over to the feeling of his skin on mine. His hands found my rib cage and followed it to my spine, and with a simple flick of his fingers, my bra was undone.

 

The straps slid down my arms until I was naked from the waist up. My nipples were standing to attention, straining against my own skin, and Killian flicked one with his tongue. Electricity flowed across my chest and down my arms. I moaned. My hands found his neck, my fingers tangling in his dark wavy hair.

 

I needed more of him. More of him to see, to touch, to taste. I reached down and found the hem of his shirt and tugged on it. He lifted off of me and helped pull the shirt over his head where it joined mine on the floor. He dropped back on top of me, my legs wrapped around his waist. I thought we were going to continue kissing, but he buried his face in my hair, nuzzled the side of my face, and I took the opportunity to kiss my way up his neck, down his defined jawbone, and suck on his earlobe.

 

His breathing grew heavy as I ran my fingers down his abs, feeling the hills and valleys of his toned stomach until I found the waistband of his jeans. I popped the button open and undid the zipper. Immediately he bulged through the gap, and I could feel the hardness of him in my hand. I cupped him with my fingers, and he groaned.

 

He lifted himself off of me again and slid out of his jeans. Not wanting to waste any time, I undid my own jeans and began sliding them down. Before I could get them all the way off, Killian grabbed the waistband and pulled it down my legs, his fingers trailing along my skin as he did so. Then he reached for the waistband of my underwear.

 

Again, I could have worn any number of sexy, lacy pieces, but I’d gone for plain black cotton. His fingers hesitated there, and I lifted my hips, letting him know I wanted it. Instantly, he pulled them down my legs until I was naked before him, spread out on the couch like an offering.

 

He looked down at me, his lips parted, his tongue and teeth playing at his lower lip. Then he went to the end of the couch.

 

I sat up, confused, until he kissed along my inner thigh. Instinctively my eyes closed, my head rolled back, and I lifted my hips to him. His lips found me and sucked. I moaned, unable to keep it in. His tongue swirled around, and I thought my body would break apart, fall to bits around me. I felt like I was floating, getting higher and higher every second.

 

With every flick of his tongue, my body was closer and closer to the edge. I grabbed handfuls of his hair and held him there, no longer able to control myself. My hips bucked against him, my legs tensing around his neck. Then, like tumbling down the other side of a roller coaster, my body released. Warmth flooded through me in waves, my muscles contracting and releasing with each surge of pleasure.

 

Killian didn’t stop until my body stilled, until my muscles were useless and I was a heap of a human on the couch. He crawled up my body, my eyes remaining closed as he trailed kisses up my midsection, my chest, my neck, then ended with one soft kiss on my lips.

 

“Whoa,” I whispered, opening my eyes to look into his. He was smiling, his expression amused.

 

“We’ve only just begun,” he whispered back.

 

In a flash, he had scooped me up and was headed towards the bedroom. I buried my face in his neck, smelling the warm, sunny smell of him. He laid me on the bed and slid out of his underwear. I stared as he popped out, my eyes widening, wondering how I could take all of him at once.

 

There wasn’t much time to consider it. Before I knew it, he had unwrapped a condom from his bedside drawer and was on top of me, his knees spreading my own apart until he had access to me. He slid inside of me in one hard push, and I moaned, my fingers clawing at his back.

 

Unlike so many men, Killian didn’t rush anything. He made a slow rhythm of our bodies, savoring each sensation, the push and pull.

 

I felt drunk. My brain was fuzzy, unable to think about anything but what I was feeling. Heat coursed through my veins as if Killian were pumping me full of fire. Unable to lie still, I began lifting my body up to him, meeting him halfway. Then I pushed on his chest until he pulled out of me and rolled over.

 

Wasting no time, I straddled him and slid down his length. His eyes had a wild animal look in them, and I loved knowing I’d put it there. I rode him back and forth, my hips bouncing out a rhythm on his body until his hands were shaky on my hips. He grabbed at the soft flesh of my backside, pushing and pulling me along him.

 

I leaned back, my hands on his thighs, and his thumb found me. He rubbed my most sensitive spot until I could hardly hold myself up. Once again, my body tumbled down, pleasure soaking into every nerve until my legs trembled.

 

He grabbed my hips and lifted me off of him. I was like putty in his strong hands. He propped me up on my knees, and I rested my chest on the bed, my arms and face in the comforter. He pushed into me, but this time there was no gentle build. Our bodies slapped together as he grabbed my hips hard enough I thought I’d bruise.

 

He grunted with each thrust, and I arched my body into him, giving him as much access as I could. My hands became fists in the comforter as I scrambled for a better grip. He was pushing into me with such force that I was afraid I’d fall off the bed, but I didn’t care. I moaned and screamed, sounds pouring out of me I’d never heard before until his thrusts became long and languorous.

 

He pushed in slowly and pulled out nearly all the way before sinking in again. His weight fell onto my back, and I felt him twitching with pleasure. Eventually, he slipped out and rolled next to me on the bed. I collapsed onto the covers.

 

His breathing was heavy, and his cheeks were flushed, but he looked peaceful, his eyes closed. I reached out and stroked his cheek, and he nuzzled into my hand like a cat.

 

I leaned forward and kissed the bridge of his nose. “That was good.”

 

He opened his eyes and quickly snuck a kiss on my lips. “No, that was perfect.”