Chapter Thirty

 

 

“KYLE!” FORRESTER called from their bedroom in a singsong voice. “I’m naked!”

He glanced at the nightstand where Kyle kept his processor and saw the dish empty. Knowing Kyle heard him, he chuckled to himself, wondering how quickly Kyle would rush up the stairs.

With summer coming to a close, today was the first Sunday of the off-season at the bookstore and the first weekend day he’d had off in weeks. They’d been officially living together a month now, Forrester’s things mingling perfectly with Kyle’s. They’d both had to donate several boxes of books to the store to make room.

“Babe, you might wanna get dressed,” Kyle called up, much to his surprise. “We have company.”

Forrester cursed.

So much for Sunday Afternoon Delight.

He plopped back on the bed and snatched up his underwear, calling out through the open door, “Who is it? If it’s Lucas, tell him to take his cockblocking ass home. I haven’t gotten laid in three days.”

“Um,” Kyle called up, sounding awkward and amused. “It’s not Lucas. It’s Amanda and Dino. They brought the baby.”

Forrester froze, one leg in the hole of his underwear and the other firmly on the floor. A deep flush of embarrassment went through him, knowing his brother heard what he’d just said.

“Just fucking great,” he muttered to himself.

He hadn’t talked to Dino since the drama with Joey. Not even when they’d lost the playoff game the next week. The few occasions Forrester ran into Dino—like while picking Ma up or dropping her off for treatments—he’d gotten little more than one-word greetings. When Ma’s chemo ended, Forrester could avoid all accidental contact with Dino until Thanksgiving. He’d already missed the birth of their new daughter, Francine Maria Giordano. Dino hadn’t bothered to even text Forrester to come to the hospital like he had with his other three children.

Though those invites had been for Frankie the Fake, not Forrester the Fag.

What the hell was he doing here now? It had to be Amanda’s doing. He’d gone to her salon for a haircut right before the baby, and she’d pestered him about making up with Dino. He should’ve known she would do this.

Knowing Kyle would be a gracious host and that he and Amanda would be able to make polite chatter, Forrester got dressed. He didn’t rush, but he didn’t take his time either. He pulled on a pair of khaki shorts and one of his new A Novel Idea T-shirts, then looked at himself in the mirror. Staring back at him was someone very different than who he used to see. This was a somewhat confident man, learning to live openly as himself for the first time. The man who visited his father’s headstone several weeks ago, crying and trying to figure out how to forgive him and move on.

He didn’t know if the visit had really changed anything, but Ma had been right. He needed closure if he wanted happiness. But as with everything, it would take time. Kyle suggested Forrester write Dad a letter—a therapist had made Kyle write one to his attacker, and Kyle said it helped. While Forrester decided to give it a try, he hadn’t gotten much further than Dear Dad, I’m gay before he’d felt his hands shake and his eyes burn, and then he’d just shut his computer down.

Maybe one day he’d know just what to say.

Despite his unresolved issues with Dad, his life was better than it ever had been. Ma had gotten a good prognosis, and while there was still work to do, the fear of losing her had lessened. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Joey—God love him—was the same old goofy Joey. He’d managed to escape the entire Alfie situation unscathed, and his enrollment in the apprenticeship program started in a few weeks.

Oddly enough, Tony and Missy had been over to Forrester and Kyle’s for dinner several times, and he and Tony didn’t bicker as much as they had in the past. Perhaps it was because the unspoken tension in their relationship had finally been exposed, turned out, discussed, and accepted. Missy and Kyle had quite a bit in common, like their weird affinity for vegetables. They’d even gone shopping several times together. He caught them jokingly calling themselves “the outlaws” instead of in-laws once, and Tony and Forrester liked that they were getting along.

But Dino?

Forrester had no idea how or if he could fix that.

Barefoot and awkward in his own home, he took the steps one at a time. A sense of trepidation poured down Forrester’s scalp, over his cheeks, the back of his neck and shoulders, flushing and pulsing like the weight of hot, yellow anxiety, throbbing behind his eyes.

No doubt Amanda had dragged Dino here, but at least he came.

It was a good sign, right?

The voices of his family drifted out of the small living room. Hands stuffed in his pockets and shoulders hunched up, Forrester entered. “Hey, what’s up?”

All smiles, Amanda rushed over to him for a big hug. Her belly still had a little roundness but the puffiness of pregnancy had left her face. He pulled back from the warm, welcoming embrace and smiled at her, kissing her forehead. “You look amazing. How are you feeling?”

“I’m good. Do you wanna meet your niece?”

“I’d love to,” he said, throat constricting.

A bundle of pink blankets and squirming baby filled Kyle’s arms. Jasper sat calmly on the arm of the couch, staring at the interloper in his daddy’s arms. Forrester’s heart lurched with yearning and affection, seeing his partner, the man he loved, holding a baby. He didn’t really know how many times Kyle had experienced the joy of holding an infant—maybe never. Coming from a big family, Forrester had held more than his share. He liked seeing the happiness and wonder in Kyle’s expression as he examined her little face.

He’ll make an excellent father….

When Jasper spied Forrester, he jumped off the couch and did a circle around his feet. “Settle down, Spaz.”

Forrester glanced at Dino sitting in the armchair—right where Forrester had given Kyle a blowjob a few days ago. For a quick second, he thought about saying as much, but he was done throwing stuff like that in his face. He did it the once, and it didn’t make him feel any better.

In fact, the whole thing with Dino had become downright depressing.

He nodded at Dino. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much. Just the new baby,” he said, which might be the most words Forrester had heard from him in months.

“Am I allowed to hold her?” Forrester asked around the lump in his throat.

“That’s a stupid question, Frankie,” Amanda said. “Of course you can hold her.”

Dino frowned, and Forrester held his breath, fearing he would say no. But Dino just shrugged and said, “Of course, go ahead.”

He sat next to Kyle and carefully took the bundle from him, noting how awkwardly Kyle passed her over.

“You got her head?” Kyle asked nervously.

Forrester smiled. “I’ve done this a time or two.”

Kyle nodded, and Forrester looked down at his niece’s face for the first time. He was instantly transported back in time, holding a different little girl. “She looks just like Natalia.”

“Only calmer.” Amanda chuckled. “She rarely cries. It’s like someone else’s baby.”

Forrester placed her in his lap, cradled between his thighs, and gently unswaddled her so he could get a good look at her. Her face was round, her nose tiny, and she made those wonderful cooing baby noises, her toothless smile grimacing as she squirmed in his lap.

“Ciao, bella bambina,” he whispered, feeling teary-eyed. “Aren’t you the prettiest thing?” A surge of love and wanting whipped through him, and he longed for the day he could hold his own baby. He hadn’t given it much thought in the past, but now that he was in a serious relationship, the longing was palpable.

Kyle and Amanda chatted about her going back to the salon and Kyle wanting a new hairstyle, while Forrester lost himself studying Francine’s features. Her little fingers wrapped tightly around his pinky as he caressed her cheek, her tiny earlobe, and down to her pink ruffled booties. There was always something so warm and nurturing about holding a baby. Despite the unspoken monster of tension in the room, Baby Francine anchored Forrester. He lifted her tiny body and put her over his shoulder, gently patting her small, warm back while she wriggled to get comfortable.

“You look good with a baby.” Kyle gave a gentle smile to Forrester.

The hazel eyes of his lover filled him with as much warmth as holding his niece. “You do too.”

“How are Ma’s tomatoes?” Amanda asked. “She wants me to help her can them. And apparently you volunteered to help. Don’t think you’re getting out of that.”

“I wasn’t gonna try,” Forrester assured her. “We’ve been eating a few of them, but I bet next weekend they’ll be ready for the big harvest. Kyle and I can pick them, and bring them over. Sunday maybe?”

“Any day is good for me. I’m still on maternity leave.”

“Oh yeah, well, I’ll check my schedule at the bookstore.”

“How is the bookstore, Forrester?” Dino asked. “That freezer still running good?”

He flinched, and Francine squirmed and fussed a little. Startled, he patted her until she settled back against his chest. He gaped at Dino. “What did you just call me?”

Dino glanced at Amanda, then back to Forrester. “I said how’s the bookstore—”

“No,” he interrupted. “What did you call me?”

“Um, Forrester?” Dino sounded like it was a trick question.

His stomach sank and not even the warmth and tenderness of the sweet baby in his arms could soothe the ache inside him.

Suddenly he wanted to be anywhere but there.

Carefully he stood and handed Francine and the blanket back to Amanda. She hastily took her daughter. “Oh,” she said, surprised.

“I think I hear Jasper at the back door,” Forrester lied. “I’ll be right back.”

And then he tried not to run from the room.

Behind him, Dino said, “What was that about?” and Kyle’s reply was lost as Forrester rushed out the back door and onto the porch.

He gulped in a lungful of summer air, his cheeks flushed and his hands shaking again. It was one of those beautiful September days people forget about because, in some minds, after Labor Day, summer no longer existed. A bright blue sky towered above him, the sun shone warm, and a perfect seventy-five-degree breeze ruffled his hair.

Forrester rubbed his face, trying to get his emotions under control. He hadn’t expected it to hurt so much to hear Dino call him by his real name.

The door behind him opened, and Forrester turned, surprised to see Dino step outside.

Dino surveyed their little backyard. “Nice deck.”

The back porch had a pergola roof over half and stepped down to a stamped concrete patio with a grill and some lawn furniture. The annuals were still blooming in pots, bursts of pink, yellow, and purple. Practically by himself—though Forrester was home to help carry the stones and put them in place—Kyle had created a new garden bed with stone edging. It extended the outdoor living space via a little path Kyle stood on almost every morning to admire his handiwork. They spent countless nights out here, splitting bottles of wine, chatting and laughing. Even making love after Jasper’s privacy fence went up. They’d hired a Gilead local because Forrester’s cousin Mike didn’t do fencing. They were pleased with how nice it had turned out.

“Yeah, the deck was here before Kyle bought the house,” Forrester managed. “It is nice. He did all the flowers.” He pointed at the new bed with the flagstone path. “Might add a water feature next summer.”

“Huh.” Dino joined him at the railing. A small garden shed was in the far-right corner, and shrubs with rocks had been landscaped along the white fence. It was sparse but pretty, although Forrester knew, one day those shrubs would be surrounded by a whole lot more flowers. A maple tree grew in the center, creating some shade, a low-hanging branch perfect one day for a child’s tire swing.

“You should cut that down.” Dino pointed at the pine tree growing closer to the deck, dropping the pine cones. “It’s killing the grass.”

“Yeah, I was gonna call Mike.”

“He won’t cut you a price, ya know? We could just do it.”

“Maybe.” Dino wanted to help him cut down a tree? Was that his idea of a truce?

They stood side by side, three feet apart, Forrester with his arms crossed, and Dino mirroring the stance.

“I got a flyer from the Ford Club,” Dino said. “That car show in Gilead is next Sunday. I was thinking we should bring the Shelby out.”

He nodded, almost feeling like things were normal. “We could park it in front of the bookstore.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.”

“So why’d you run off?”

“You called me Forrester,” he managed. “You’ve never done that before.”

“Isn’t that what you’re always complaining about?” Dino sounded confused. “You hate it when we call you Frankie.”

He gave his brother an openmouthed stare. “But you never cared that I didn’t like it. Why the change? Why now?”

“Dammit.” Dino uncrossed his arms, then crossed them again. “I don’t even know what to say without pissing you off. I just asked you about the bookstore, and you storm off.”

“I’m not pissed off.” But he could be any second. “And I didn’t storm off. I had to let Jasper out.”

“The dog’s still in the house.” Dino pointed to the door, where the bug-eyed pooch in question stared at them through the glass.

Forrester cursed and hurried to open the door. “Sorry, buddy.”

Like a rocket, Jasper shot off into the grass, braying at some imagined squirrel or just announcing his presence to his little kingdom.

Dino studied Forrester from across the deck, face consternated. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t know what to call you, because I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

He drew up short. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Incredulous, Dino dropped his arms to the side. “You serious? One minute I’m playing pool with my brother Frankie. Then he starts talking crazy shit at me. And then he doesn’t talk to me anymore. In one night, Frankie’s gone and there’s this new guy in town, Forrester. I don’t know anything about him, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me. So I’m sorry if I don’t know what to call you.”

Not wanting to fight with his brother, he was quiet for a moment as he absorbed those words. He wanted to be angry at Dino’s frustration, but hadn’t he had similar thoughts, questions about his two different selves?

“I’m the same person I always was,” he finally said.

Dino let out a disbelieving laugh. “Oh no, you are not.”

“What’s so different about me?”

His brother gestured around at the house, the deck, the flowers, and the dog. “Everything.”

“The only thing different is that I have someone who loves me. You have Amanda and Tony has Missy. That didn’t make you different people.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why? Because Kyle is deaf?”

His face scrunched up. “I didn’t say that.”

“I see,” he said sarcastically. “It’s because Kyle’s a man.”

“Exactly.”

They didn’t say anything, but just stared, sizing each other up, maybe?

Weary, Forrester stepped down to the patio and sat on the chaise, raising his knees and setting his bare feet on the cushions.

To his surprise, Dino followed and took the chair across from him.

Was it a good sign he hadn’t gone back into the house?

Eventually, with a thick voice, Forrester said, “When you laughed at me….” He pinched the bridge of his nose, holding back the pain. “That hurt worse than anything else. I didn’t even really care that Joey told everybody or Tony made a bet. Not really. But you laughing, that really hurt me.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Dino managed. “It’s just weird. You being with a dude and all.”

Forrester didn’t hide the anguish in his face. “Being gay isn’t about who I sleep with. It’s who I am. Who I’ve always been. And I’m the same person I was before I fell in love with Kyle.” He sat back on the chaise, pulling his knees closer to his chest. He propped his elbow on them and chewed his thumbnail, unable to look at Dino anymore. “I’ve always wanted what you and Amanda have. Now I finally have that, with Kyle. I love him. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Forrester… I mean, Frankie—dammit!” Dino slammed his fist into his hand. “What the hell do you want me to call you?”

He quit chewing on his nail long enough to glance at his brother. Then he dropped his hands to his sides. “Dammit, just call me Frankie, okay?”

That wasn’t what he’d expected himself to say. He’d always hated it, but now it was like some sort of desperate attachment to his family. Like if he wasn’t Frankie, he wasn’t part of la famiglia anymore.

And he couldn’t handle that.

Not even a little.

“Fine, Frankie. I don’t like any of this,” Dino declared, looking at his feet and shaking his head. “I don’t like that my stomach’s in knots every time I see you. The whole time I drove out here I thought I was gonna throw up.”

“How do you think I felt when you just surprised me?”

“I didn’t think it was a surprise. Your boyfriend and that scheming woman in there with my baby must’ve planned it all. I thought you knew we were coming over. I thought you all were gonna go off and yell at me or something.”

“Well, I didn’t know.”

Kyle must’ve assumed Forrester would’ve gone to the bookstore if he’d known Dino was coming over.

He probably would have.

Dino gave him a pleading look. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings by laughing, but you shocked me. You gotta see this from my point of view. I always pictured that one day you’d finally talk Holly into marrying you and we’d go on these great couple vacations or take our kids to Disney or something. This changes everything.”

“We can still do all of that.”

Dino waved his hands. “Yeah, maybe, but everything’s different now, and I don’t know if it’s different good or different bad. But it’s just different, and you know it. And you never gave me a chance to get used to any of this. You just told me Kyle was your boyfriend, then you started yelling at me and ran off. I’m just shocked. I mean, you had girlfriends.”

“And I’ve had boyfriends. I just didn’t let any of you guys know about them.”

“How come you never told me?”

“Do you know how many times over the years I’ve tried and never had the courage?”

“Why not?”

“Because I thought you’d be like Dad,” he said, throat tight.

They sat in silence, and Forrester brushed his forearm across his cheek, his hands trembling. Unable to stop the quivering in his lip, he refused to look at his brother for fear he’d lose it and start crying.

“And you think I am just like him,” Dino said after a long while.

The genuine regret in his tone eased the bands tightening around Forrester’s chest, but he said nothing, didn’t look up, only nodding in answer.

“I didn’t mean to be,” Dino said sincerely. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know.” He glanced up. “What do you wanna do?”

“More like, what do you want from me? How do you want me to act? Just tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

He sounded so much like Ma, it forced a small laugh out of Forrester. “Stop acting like I’m some kind of freak, for starters.”

“You can’t exactly accuse me of that when we haven’t even been around each other for months.”

“Exactly, months,” Forrester said. “You didn’t even invite me to see the baby.”

“Because I didn’t think you’d come. Would you have?”

“Probably not.”

“See, that’s your attitude there, not me,” Dino declared.

Forrester sighed, not wanting to argue anymore.

Somewhere off in the distance a dog barked, so Jasper barked and ran around the yard in answer. They watched him circle the perimeter several times, barking nonstop.

Finally, Kyle came to the door. “You just gonna let him bark and annoy the neighbors like that?”

Forrester shrugged. “He’s not bothering anybody. He’s just having fun.”

“Jasper,” Kyle scolded, and his wild little pooch barked a couple more times, then ran back to the deck. “Be quiet, you.”

Jasper jumped on the chaise, and Forrester smiled at him. “Is Daddy being mean to you?” he asked in baby talk. Jasper snorted, did a circle, then lay down.

“Traitor,” Kyle said to his dog. Hands on his hips, he looked back and forth between them. “Everything okay?”

“Fine,” Dino said at the same time Forrester did.

“They beating each other up?” Amanda asked from the doorway.

“No, we ain’t fighting,” Dino groused.

“Well, did you pull your heads out of your asses?” She shut the door behind her.

“Where’s my baby?” Dino wanted to know.

“She’s sleeping in her carrier,” Amanda said, beer in hand.

“Should you be drinking that?” Forrester asked. “Aren’t you breastfeeding?”

She handed the bottle to Dino. “Yes, and I haven’t had alcohol in so long, I’d probably be driving the porcelain bus if I drank a beer.”

Kyle chuckled and looked at Forrester. “Hon, you want a drink?”

“I could have something.”

Nodding, Kyle returned to the house.

Dino pulled his wife to sit on his lap. She went easy and natural, kissing his cheek. She looked around. “This patio is awesome, Frankie. And all these plants and flowers. They’re just gorgeous.”

But Forrester only stared at his brother, wife in his lap like it was no big deal. Didn’t he realize that was what Forrester wanted? The one thing he’d been denied by society and his family. To be able to love and show affection without fear?

Kyle returned with a rocks glass of something green and a small bar-top ice bucket with beer and Diet Coke inside. He handed Forrester the appletini.

“Grazie, bello,” he said easily, ignoring his brother’s head snapping up at the endearment.

Kyle placed the cooler on the small end table beside Dino.

“Oh, I could kill for a Diet Coke,” Amanda said, taking a can and popping it open.

“I figured.” Kyle smiled as she took a big swig. “You guys hungry? We have some salmon we could throw on the grill. And potato salad from Millie’s.

“I could eat,” Dino said. Then he cleared his throat and nodded at Kyle. “Sure, that would be nice, Kyle.”

Kyle smiled, and Forrester wondered if he was trying to take a page out of Ma’s book. Feeding people like it was a Band-Aid.

Grabbing a beer, Kyle joined Forrester. He scooted Jasper over and sat on the end of the chaise. Forrester shifted, almost opening his legs for Kyle to slip in between and lean against him like they usually did.

But he couldn’t do that.

They weren’t Amanda and Dino.

They were two men.

Dino could kiss Amanda and pull her into his lap, so why couldn’t Forrester at least touch Kyle?

Seized with a burst of attitude, pride, boldness, or whatever emotion struck him, he scooped up Jasper. Then Forrester shifted his long legs and stretched them over Kyle’s lap. Kyle flinched, adjusted his seat closer, and gave him a strange look. Forrester mouthed, “Please,” and Kyle nodded and rested his arm on Forrester’s knees. Jasper settled easily into Forrester’s lap, because this was his norm.

Forrester took a sip of his cocktail. He would not act weird or treat Kyle different in their damn house.

If Dino didn’t like it, he could go home.

Kyle reached down to give Jasper a scratch behind his ear. The dog kicked happily.

“Watch it, Jasp,” Forrester said, shifting him. “That’s my nuts you’re kicking.”

Kyle laughed.

At the sight of those love-filled hazel eyes, his inviting dimpled smile, Forrester’s tension faded. Kyle was here, he loved him, and everything would be okay.

“Aren’t you guys cute,” Amanda said. She elbowed Dino, beaming at them. “Aren’t they cute, Dino?”

Forrester raised his brows and the words Yeah, aren’t we cute almost came out of his mouth, but Kyle spoke up first. “Amanda, let’s just chill. No need to make it awkward.”

“I wasn’t making anything awkward,” she cried. “I just thought you guys looked cute.”

Kyle gave her a smirk. “Yes, you were making it awkward. You’re trying to force it. It’s a nice day, no need to manipulate it.”

Forrester and Dino both chuckled.

“Somebody’s got your number,” Forrester said.

“My wife, the meddler. How come you didn’t tell Frankie we were coming over?”

“Fine, I was meddling,” she said. “But it was Kyle’s idea not to tell him. I just want everybody to get along. I want us to be a family again. Is that so much to ask?”

Dino gave his wife a sad, awkward smile. “No, it isn’t.” He glanced at Forrester and Kyle, brown eyes sincere. “I want that too.”

Saying nothing, Forrester looked back at him. His brother had come today and apologized. They’d both had a chance to say their piece.

It was a start, right?

Kyle poked him in the leg, nodding his head in a silent prompt.

“Yeah,” Forrester managed. “I want that too.”