Trixie
Waking up, I feel chilly. That’s odd, Chris is usually cuddling me, so I wake up overheated. Rolling over I find him sleeping on his side, facing the other way.
Ever since we lost our daughter, Lola, two years ago, we’ve started drifting apart. We still do little things together, we have date nights, but it doesn’t feel the same. Two months ago, I asked him if we could try again as I so badly want a baby, but he lost it, saying it wasn’t worth the heartbreak. He didn’t raise his voice, but there was this look in his eyes. I wasn’t expecting that reaction from him. He wanted our daughter so badly, I thought trying for another child could repair this rift between us.
Since then we’ve barely spoken, no matter how much I want to. He seems to avoid me. I hate it, I just want my husband back, the man I love with all my heart, the man I gave my friends up for.
I check the time and see the alarm is about to go off, so I shut it off myself and decide to wake Chris up in a much better way, praying he won’t shove me off him like he did last time.
My hand glides over his back and I place soft, feathery kisses along his arm, hoping to get him to move. He finally does and looks at me. “Not this morning, babe,” he says, turning away to glance at the clock.
I sit up on the bed. Looking at him getting up. “We haven’t made love in months, I miss you. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” he says distractedly. I take in his appearance. He looks haggard, run down. Nothing like the fun-loving joker of a guy he’s always been. His short blonde hair is sticking up all over the place, and his hazel eyes no longer have that sparkle anymore.
“Chris. Something is wrong. What is it?” I ask, standing up, getting in his face.
“This is what’s wrong, you never give me fucking space!” he snaps, practically spitting in my face.
I rear back in shock. He’s never spoken to me this way before, not even when we lost Lola. I bite my tongue. Anything I say will be more of a fight. I know the signs. Considering we only ever fight about his parents, us actually fighting is rare.
He was a virgin when he met me; I sure wasn’t, I was loose. His parents liked me at first, but once they found out he proposed to me, it was like something switched, they’ve hated me ever since. Causing problems left and right. In the eight years since we got together, they have refused to come to our wedding, hoping Chris wouldn’t go through with it, tried saying our daughter wasn’t his, and then even blamed me for her death.
It’s been an ongoing battle, and I refuse to visit them, although they do visit us once every three years. They miss so much, I’m not used to it. My family is close, phone calls, pictures and text messages at least once a day. Visits at least once a week for family time. I almost feel sad for his family.
I look to Chris and he’s now sitting on the bed, the palms of his hands rubbing at his eyes.
“What’s going on, Chris?”
“I think we married too young, too fast,” he suddenly blurts out.
I still, shocked at what he’s saying. “What?” I finally whisper.
“We were going to break up before you found out we were pregnant with Lola. But instead we stayed together, wanting to be a family for her.” I know all of this. We were, we fought too much, and it wasn’t working, then we got pregnant, and that was the end of the fighting and we worked on our relationship. I figured we’d be over this by now. “Lola is dead, and since her death we’ve been an emotional mess. You throwing it out there you wanted to try for another baby. I can’t. I don’t. Fuck…”
“Just say it, Chris,” I demand, growing impatient.
He looks away from me but I don’t miss the words that come flying out of his mouth as though speaking them is an answer to his unspoken prayers. “I want to separate for a while.”
“What?” I mouth, his words almost knocking me on my ass.
“I want to experience life more. I just don’t know if this is what I want, we need space, we need to find ourselves again.”
“What the fuck?” I finally spit out.
“Trixie,” he says slowly. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t feel so strongly about this right now.”
“So that’s it? You don’t love me anymore or something? Eight years of marriage and you just want to throw it all away?”
He shakes his head. “Trixie, I love you, I love you more than anything, but we can’t be together right now. This won’t be forever, I promise. I just need to figure shit out.”
Tears run down my face, I swear I’m not used to being so emotional, but since Lola’s death, it’s all I have been.
He throws a hand out at me as I cry. “This is part of the reason why. You cry at the drop of a hat, almost every damn day. I can’t live like this. I want the old Trixie back—my Trixie back. The one that loved adventure, that was outgoing, sure of herself, even bitchy.” He gives me a small smirk when he says that.
“Well sorry my whole world practically fell apart after Lola. Sorry you can’t handle my emotions. And sor-fucking-ry that I grew the hell up. I’m not the same girl I was. I never will be again.”
He looks at me sadly, and without a word starts packing up his clothes. I can’t stand to see this so I go down to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee.
An hour later I stare after his car as he pulls out of the driveway. I’m in shock, he really did it. I thought maybe he was just talking out of his ass, but he wasn’t. He left without speaking another word to me and I didn’t try to stop him. He didn’t seem to want to stay. I won’t beg him to be with me but I wanted to.